Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

[Henzilla]

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Good luck OP and well done for realising a payday loan is a bad idea and you have a right to back out of this. If the bride really is a good friend she will understand. If others think you're a dick that makes them unpleasant people, not you.

[icanteven]

Something else to bear in mind - NOBODY IN THE WORLD ENJOYS GOING AWAY FOR HEN PARTIES.

How many are there altogether? 6? 8? I bet you anything that when you send out that email today that origamiwarrior suggests above there will be HUGE SIGHS OF RELIEF from everybody.

NOBODY wants to go to London for the weekend for a hen party. NOBODY wants to spend hundreds of pounds on somebody else's notion of what would be fun for her wedding (on top of what they are all going to be shelling out on the wedding itself).

You have it in your head that you will be disappointing people, but in reality you are doing the entire group of you a serious favour.

Take charge and get this ridiculous weekend away idea firmly OFF the table and stop worrying. The bride will have a lovely time having a night out with dinner. Or even an afternoon bash at someone's house with ridiculous games, too much Prosecco and a great cake, which is what a hen party SHOULD be, anyway.

[whatsmyusername]

Icanteven...i would disagree with you about hen dos my friends and I have had some great times, you cant judge everyone and say that 'NOBODY' would want to go, you dont know the personal circumstances, everyone else might want to go inc the hen. The OP probably want to go but she cant afford it, If she could she would go without doubt I'm sure.

The issue had isnt wether people want to go its about what you can and cant afford and wether you will be causing rifts in the friendship if you back out. Its fine for others to cast judgement and say things like well 'if she doesnt undestand she is not a true friend', although this may be true to some extent Im sure the OP doesnt want to loose her friends as a result for soehing that can be explained. She just needs to talk to the bride and explain how she feels and her situation and see what the bride says.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Henzilla - can I suggest you start by emailing Friend 2 - something along these lines:

"Hi Friend,
I'm afraid we need to have a chat about X's hen do. When we discussed it before, I did say that a weekend in London would be too pricey for me, and it seems that you didn't realise how serious I was about that. The only way I could come would be to take out a payday loan - which would be a reckless and stupid thing for me to do - so if we do go ahead with the London weekend, I am not going to be able to go. I genuinely don't have any spare cash right now.

X did say she'd be happy with a more modest hen do - so maybe we could reconsider the plans - perhaps dinner and cocktails in OurTown, rather than a weekend trip.

I don't want to let either you or X down - but equally, I can't risk my financial security by taking out a loan - I hope you understand."

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Sorry - I pressed post too soon!

I'd send this email to Friend 2, and see how she responds - hopefully she will understand, and the two of you can put your heads together, and sort out something you can afford, and she can get to - and then you can send out another email to the invitees - just saying that plans have changed and you are now having cocktails and dinner/posh afternoon tea in OurTown instead of the weekend away - I am sure people would understand.

But do it now, before any deposits are paid or bookings made.

Worst case, if Friend 2 is obdurate about the weekend away, you might have to contact the bride directly and explain that, due to your financial situation, you can't come on her hen do, but would like to go out with her for dinner together some other time.

If the bride and Friend 2 are nice people. as you say they are, neither of them will want you to get yourself into financial deep water, and they will both be understanding.

[Bearbehind]

I don't agree that 'nobobdy' wants to go on a hen do. Some people love weekends away but IME those people do it for any excuse anyway ie, they probably would have found another reason even if it hadn't been for a hen do as that's the lifestyle they enjoy.

I do agree that very many of us are not keen on doing something very expensive that we have no say over just for the sake of pleasing the bride.

I would far rather go for afternoon tea locally and I'd be overjoyed to get the 'change of plan' email today if I'd received the London one yesterday.

[JeanGenie23]

I hope this doesn't derail the thread but I have been on two hen dos this year (the only two ever) and the first one we went to the maid of honours house in our pjs and watched films, drank prosecco and ate cake, it was great fun, and as we were all responsible for bringing something (apart from bride) it only cost us about £7-£10 each!!

The second one we went out for lunch in a nice hotel, but I had found vouchers on groupon so again it only cost about £25 each for three courses and a bottle of champagne.

You don't need mega bucks to have a lovely time! The idea of going away for a weekend when the wedding is so soon, probably won't be ideal anyway!

Are you far away from London? Could you come here for a day trip?

You are doing the right thing by not getting a pay day loan, and even if friend 2 isn't happy about it, providing you speak up now it can be rearranged with little bother

[Gabilan]

Well done OP - I think by telling the truth, you'll give other people who might be in a similar situation the confidence to do the same. You might be surprised by who else is struggling too.

[lorelei9here]

Gabilan, exactly. I'm never sure how not telling the truth about stuff like this came into fashion in the first place. I remember in my 20s, wedding gift lists would arrive with nothing under £50 on them. I'd say "fuck it" and just get them vouchers in an amount I could afford but by then flatmate never did.

and I remember one year she spent money on different wedding outfits. I just wore the same thing with a different jacket or shawl.

she was in a lot of debt too, (about £30k by her late 20s) but I did manage to talk her out of spending £400 on an activity weekend where she literally didn't want to do any of the activities and would have paid that money to stand around while others did things.

[whatsmyusername]

I dont get the over priced hen do activities, all our hen dos, some local some not, some posh some not so much ;-), have always been done to the cheapest possible price. I have been to london lots of times with hubby for the weekend (before dd) but not on a hen do way too expensive IMO. I do that that no matter where you are you will have a laugh, trying a new town or city if local is always good for a change. Im old now so tea and cakes and lots of prosecco sounds good. It depends on your circle of friends.

I dont know what your buget is but i did a spa hen do once, I thought it would be boring but it was lovely. It was something like £120 each but that inc, 4 course tea, overnight in the spa, breakfast and lunch a treatment and a bottle or two at the table. (We took our own fizz to drink in the hottub and in the room) we also took games and made games to do at the table and back in the room that was lovely and didnt need any spends as was all inc just depnds what you want.

[wizzywig]

This isnt the maui wedding is it?

[Shutthatdoor]

Hope not wizzywig

[starry0ne]

well done OP...Hope you feel better today after making the decision.

[SavoyCabbage]

The Maui hen party is a cruise!

[JoyceDivision]

Surely the problem is two fold:

Firstly having to use a pay day loan... If you can't afford to go and used a pay day loan, you would have that debt with astronomical interest to repay and then you have the costs of attending the wedding (outfit unless you already have one you plan to wear ) then the cost of drinks and taxis, and likely a gift as I'm guessing if you're not comfortable saying you can't afford the hen do then you wouldn't be comfortable not bring a gift. So if you can't afford thehen do, how are you going to afford a pay day loan repayments and then the cost of attending the wedding?

Secondly.. Banks take note of people using pay day loan companies etc so be wary... It can affect anyfutureplans you may have.

Interesting comment you made about not wanting to say you can't afford things and the cost of keeping up with your friends. Are there any particular reasons why you have a very different financial situation to them? Are they from generally wealthier backgrounds where money never has been an issue? Are you in a lower income bracket which limits your spending orhave you amassed debts trying to keep up to your friends lifestyles that are way out of keeping with your own?

Friendships don't have to be based on a similar financial standing but your being able to be upfront about what is it isn't affordable for you is necessary for any good friendship

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Sounds like you are keeping up with the jones's

If they are such good friends they will understand

Know you said you would be telling b2b that you can't go - but have you

If you have then well done

No point getting into debt for a weekend of drinking and dancing

[RedSoloCup]

I've said no a few times to 'hen weekends' as I can't afford them, I don't feel bad, we'd all like an unlimited budget but that's not life sadly and a loan for a hen do!! No way!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

So, honey, you called the bride and friend 2 yet?

We need to know how all this ends???

hugs.

[MrsHathaway]

A wise decision to take out a payday loan to have enough cash to go to a party you don't even really fancy ... a loan you won't be able to repay?

I can only get on board with wise PDL usage when there's a crisis the wrong side of payday, eg boiler blowing up and it's sub-zero outside so you can't put the repair off until Wednesday.

[Bearbehind]

It's spam mrshathaway I've reported it.

[HazelBite]

One of my Ds's took out a payday loan to go on a friends stag do. He didn't tell anyone and I only had knowledge of this when the company started calling the house phone about his late repayments. I ended up bailing him out so that we didn't have a bad credit history against our property.
It cost me a huge amount!

The irony of this was the wedding was called off at the last minute!

My son and the OP need lessons in economics!

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

I ended up bailing him out so that we didn't have a bad credit history against our property

You wouldn't have had bad credit against your property, that's not how credit history works.

[SylviaWrath]

I ended up bailing him out so that we didn't have a bad credit history against our property. It cost me a huge amount!

My son and the OP need lessons in economics

Um, I think you could do with one of those lessons yourself. Credit history is on the person, nothing to do with the property, so that was an expensive mistake for you.

[MrsHathaway]

It was half spam, Bear. I also reported it ::high five:: but thought it worth addressing the non- (or less) spam half in case MNHQ were slow to delete.