Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

[Henzilla]

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

[MeMySonAndl]

Good grief, what a timely crosspost!

[Fluffycloudland77]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/credit_crunch/2590088-Austere-April-Advances-even-though-its-mid-March-Frugaleers-Unite? Come and join us, or lurk...

Whichever.

But don't fuck your credit rating up getting payday loans.

You might want a mortgage one day & it'll look bad (because it is BAD)

You might not even know these people in 10 years and they aren't going to give a shite about you being in debt.

[Henzilla]

Littleredsparkle I was posting here for advice. I've had great advice and taken it onboard and appreciated it. You're posting goading pointless comments. Why are you posting here?

[SoThatHappened]

Henzilla why are you posting here?

You post here telling us you cant afford it, we tell you not to and you reply that you have to.

Why did you bother to post and continue to post if your mind was already made up?

I'm out too

[starry0ne]

You have 5 pages of people saying you are crazy to do so but you still don't see it..

How are you going to fund wedding gift in July..More debt?

I don't really have much more to say as it has been said over and over again but do you think they would be your friend if you were broke...My friendships are not dependant upon their bank balance or lack of it for that matter.

What do you want from this thread?

[Capricorn76]

A credit score ruining payday loan for a hen do? I've heard it all now.

[londonrach]

Henzille....listen to the advice given by everyone. Its not worth getting yourself into debt for one night. Talk to the bride. If shes a good friend she will understand, if shes not it def not worth getting into debt and id rethink the friendship!

[Henzilla]

No birth I wasn't expecting that.

Thank you singme that's really good to hear. And thank you fluffy that's really helpful. I may well pop over.

[Birthgeek]

Lots of X-posts with you OP - I see you're weighing up the decision more, and thinking of telling a white lie to get out of it... But why wouldn't you just tell the truth?

[MrsHathaway]

Have you paid any deposits yet? Then cancel this stupidity.

It's really important for you to cancel. Nobody has committed themselves or lost money. Just send "Hang on, this plan is cancelled because we simply can't make it work - watch this space for new details and keep that date free. So excited! Squee!" etc.

Then sort out something everyone can do, including the bf bm and the skint bm. If you can't afford it, it costs too much. If bride really wants this special London night out then she can arrange it for her birthday.

Please cancel.

[Bellabutterfly2016]

Don't do it - go to a local prezzo or zizzi, download a voucher code.co.uk and go into town on the bus £20-30 max
Don't take a payday loan out you'll regret it x

[Henzilla]

I think perhaps some people need to realise that the second someone reads their post and doesn't have an epiphany it doesn't mean it's ignored or the poster needs to turn abusive.

Thanks realfooty that rang true for me.

I've had lots of helpful advice/support and really appreciate it. Thank you.

[JeanGenie23]

What if, for whatever reason, you don't qualify for a PDL, what then?

Or what happens next month when you have to pay it off and the bride and bridesmaids want to go shopping but you can't afford it so have to take another loan out?

I've been stuck in that cycle. It's the worst place to be. I could give you a virtual shake. DO NOT TAKE OUT THE LOAN.

Call the bride now and explain the situation. You will look like a bit of a dick but it's better than being a skint, stressed dick because you have a PDL company breathing down your neck!

[BlueFolly]

I was expecting to read lots of carefully crafted e mails people were devising on behalf of the OP for her to use, to get her out of her commitments, but instead it's just loads of people slagging her off.

I recon it's because of the non naice mention of Payday loans.

[Italiangreyhound]

YANBU.

Henzilla Re "I've always (obviously) known friend2 has a 6mo so I'm not sure how it got to this point." Freind 2's baby is imaterial, yuo are bieng railroade in to a trp you cannot afford, which you ahve told them you cannot afford, you need to make it plain NOW> I am happy to help organise this trip but I cannot attend, as i said aty the beginining I cannot afford it.

Re "But it has and now it's clear that she won't be there of course overnight so I'm in charge of that part of it." WHY? Why are you in charge?

" I just want to cry." Go and tell your story to your FRIEND who is getting married. To be honest if she does not understand she is not a real friend. Your friend 2 with baby has not listened to you and you need to make it clear. I am happy to plan, I am happy to go out locally, I cannot attend, as I said at the start I cannot afford it.

Re "These are my friends and I love them and want bride to have a good time." YES but you are a person too, with feelings and needs, just because you are not getting married and don;t have a six month old baby, you are a person and you count. You said you could not afford to go. Just make sure they realise this means you will not be going.

Please explain to your friend that you are not able to attend. She is welcome to go ahead and have a big night out in London if she wishes and you could offer to host or organise a fun local night out if you want and if she wants.

It is not worth getting into debt to be able to celebrate with her and if she is a real friend she will understand.

I am afraid my hen night was pretty boring and generally the idea one has to go mad and let one's hair down before marriage, when you could already be living with the person anyway, is a totally outdated and silly idea IMHO!

Be honest with your friend.

You should not have been put in this position and the friend who tried to organise this and then stepped down was very wrong to put you in this situation.

No cash/new baby both good reasons not to do this.

Want to do it/can afford to do it both good reasons to go.

Be honest, this is a sign that you are not being listened to by your friends *and you do not deserve this."

[StitchesInTime]

It's good to hear that you're reconsidering taking out a payday loan. Supporting a friend with a hen do doesn't mean that you have to go along with whatever you think your friends want regardless of how difficult it is for you personally.

But rather than inventing white lies, why not go talk directly to the bride, and be completely open and honest about your financial situation? Explain that you're already living off maxed out credit cards, that you have to save carefully to afford nights out, that the only way you can afford a weekend away at this notice is to take out a payday loan?

It might be that the other bridesmaid or the bride thinks "can't afford it" means "will have to be a bit more careful with money this month" rather than something like "I won't have enough money for my rent"

[FedUpWithJudgementalPeople]

What a load of bitchy comments on this thread. FFS give the OP a chance to digest the advice given.

[MeMySonAndl]

Nah, it is because she has been repeating the same line (I can't afford to give the bride a good time but I have to) ad nauseum.

Which brings the point that perhaps what she wants is some commiseration not suggestions on how to get out of this commitment.

[singme]

I like MrsHathaways suggestion for the email. If the B2B isn't having bridesmaids then I don't reckon she expects you to do all this, she sounds pretty chilled out to be fair!

It sounds like OP is taking all the comments on board anyway. Hope you manage to have a nice time with all your friends anyway OP

[pillowaddict]

Don't worry about cancelling even though initial email has gone - people will honestly be fine with a "oh change of plans - even better news now is its local and that means more to spend on cocktails" type thing - likely to be a relief for most! I had something similar where I had emails inviting me to a weekend away which was then changed and honestly, I was not upset at all. I am also trying desperately not to bankrupt myself over an upcoming one where there seems to be about 40 activities arranged over one weekend and all of them overpriced, so I think you'll probably find most attendees will be delighted to have a cheaper option planned!

[Henzilla]

Thanks blue. I've been helped a lot by this thread but also makes me realise how tricky it is on a forum. My friends are lovely. I'm lovely. clearly this isn't a great situation and I'm grateful for the advice but there's no one in this situation who is really awful, which is why irl it's so hard...

[Ameliablue]

If it is only an initial email that has been sent out it is perfectly reasonable to check the plans and send a second initial email with something more affordable.

[Creatureofthenight]

I agree with PPs. Talk directly to the bride and explain why you can't make it.
I would have been horrified to think any of my friends had considered taking out a pay day loan just to go on my hen do, I'm sure she'll feel the same.

[BlueFolly]

There we go, Italiangreyhound has it, spot on.

[Ameliablue]

If no one in the situation is really awful, it shouldn't be that hard. Just tell them the truth and they will understand.