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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

235 replies

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 20:54

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 29/03/2016 22:02

There is no talking to you.

No wonder you are in debt.

Hope you have a good time Hmm

Birthgeek · 29/03/2016 22:03

Right. So you're choosing to take another poor financial decision because you won't stand up for yourself. Have a nice weekend OP.

Littleallovertheshop · 29/03/2016 22:03

I'm out.

With respect, you're being really stupid.

Original poster
Henzilla · 29/03/2016 22:03

So as email has gone out a bit awkward for one of the organisers to not be there.

And yes - I know I need to grow a pair. It's difficult when it's your friends and you want to make them happy

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 29/03/2016 22:03

goodness sake, tell your friends you are in a hole and stop pretending. Be honest with the bride and tell her you have gotten into debt and cannot afford a weekend away

Gabilan · 29/03/2016 22:04

yes, I have a credit card, and yes, it's maxxed out. I'm not in a good place financially tbh

Sorry if this is stating the bleeding obvious but I'd sit down and have a serious sort out with this. Many companies offer 0% credit cards if you do a balance transfer. Generally there's a small fee for the transfer and if your credit record isn't good you might not get that long on 0% but it's definitely worth investigating. At least then whatever you pay is paying off debt NOT interest. If you don't pay it all off before the 0% ends transfer it pdq or you'll get stung for a lot of interest.

Do not do a payday loan for a hen do. It is beyond ridiculous.

Buckinbronco · 29/03/2016 22:04

Honestly poor bride. 2 mates organise a hen for her that neither are going to. I'd be very upset if I were her. If this is real you've got yourself into a ridiculous mess.

Birthgeek · 29/03/2016 22:04

I urge you to work on your self-esteem, seriously.

DoreenLethal · 29/03/2016 22:04

Totally fucking batshit.

Please don't take out a fucking payday loan for a fucking hen weekend.

Take your friend out for a drink before she marries and leave the others to it.

You are not their dolly dancing for them, you are an adult with debt and you cannot afford it.

DoreenLethal · 29/03/2016 22:06

So send another email out saying 'back to the drawing board ladies, a night out locally is going to be the better option. Will be in touch'.

99littleducks · 29/03/2016 22:06

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm sure others have pointed out that it would be absolutely ridiculous to take out a payday loan just for a weekend away! It doesn't matter if your friends are depending on you to organise something and attend it! You cannot afford it. End of.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2016 22:07

Aside from every thing else, taking a pay loan tomorrow is the icing on the cake- when is the hen do?

Do you have any idea how much interest you'll pay between now and then?

I actually really hope this is a wind up as the thought of anyone being so bloody stupid is a much scarier prospect.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2016 22:08

'So as email has gone out a bit awkward for one of the organisers to not be there.

And yes - I know I need to grow a pair. It's difficult when it's your friends and you want to make them happy'

By getting yourself into even more debt, all because of a fucking email.

Knock yourself out, have a great time in bankruptcy court.

BettyBusStop · 29/03/2016 22:09

Just say no. With this amount of haste they'll probably have split before he wedding then you'll have wasted your cash on a non refundable room in a travelodge in Croydon.

lorelei9here · 29/03/2016 22:10

I love my friends to bits
But this is just stupid
Are you 12?

YABU for being so silly. If this is how you cope with having to take action after an email, I don't know how you'll cope when you can't pay back your debt.

LittleRedSparke · 29/03/2016 22:10

OK, so everyone here is saying you're being an idiot to get into more debt, but you're still saying you're going to do it

Why are you even posting here?

TinkerbellaPan · 29/03/2016 22:11

Speak to the bride. If she is a good friend then she will understand and an email along the lines of "change of plans, bride would prefer something more local, details to follow" can be sent to all hen do attendees.

If she doesn't understand then she isn't a friend.

Really impress that "can't afford" means maxed credit card and you will struggle to eat.

If I was the bride I would be horrified that my hen do was putting you through such turmoil.

lorelei9here · 29/03/2016 22:12

How can anyone think a hen do is worth getting a payday loan for?

manicinsomniac · 29/03/2016 22:13

Okay, the answer to this one is obvious to me.

Two of you have planned this. One can afford to go but can't go (Friend 2). One can go but can't afford to go (You).
So ... Friend 2 pays and you attend. Joint responsibility! Grin

Or ... just don't book anything! Change the plan! You've only sent one email ffs!

singme · 29/03/2016 22:13

I've recently had a thread running about my hen do, basically I'm really worried that one of my friends can't afford my hen do and hasn't told me. It's in our original home town so she could stay at home and I have said so many times that I would completely understand if she couldn't make it or we could make it as cheap as possible for her. I am really embarrassed that she feels she can't approach me and I think it's this "it's the brides day" culture that we have. If you were my friend I would feel terrible you had gone into debt for me. In starting this thread you know it's the wrong thing to do. No money has been paid but if you do start paying deposits you might end up losing them and still not being able to afford to go. Ring the bride direct and explain. If she's a real friend she'll understand!

ephemeralfairy · 29/03/2016 22:14

If she doesn't understand then she isn't a friend.

this x 1000. PLEASE don't do it OP. Payday loans are the devil's work. I speak from bitter personal experience.

Talk to your friends. Please.

Original poster
Henzilla · 29/03/2016 22:15

Yes buck it is real. Sadly. That's my whole point. I suggested as a nice night out cocktails and dinner in our hometown. It's escalated very rapidly, despite me saying I can't afford it. God. I honestly never thought I would have a hen do nightmare thread. I really appreciate the sage advice. But it's also very difficult to pull away from. I think Maisie put her finger on it.

When you hear from strangers it helps. I am now weighing the disappointment of not supporting a friend with a hen do against my stress against taking a loan and think will tell a white lie.

Thanks all. This has been a lesson to me on mumsnet too. You're all lovely and have given on the whole brilliant advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Birthgeek · 29/03/2016 22:15

Why are you even posting here?

I assume OP was hoping she'd get some responses that would justify her choice, e.g.

"Go for it babe! You'll only regret it if you don't go!"

"Friends are worth more than money"

MeMySonAndl · 29/03/2016 22:15

You know, I think that you should go and get that payday loan asap because if more than one hundred messages have not changed your view that you need to get in financial hardship to ensure the bride has a good time, nothing will do.

So get the payday loan, enjoy the weekend away, and stop portraying yourself as a victim because NOBODY is forcing you to waste money but YOURSELF. Wink

Realfootyfan · 29/03/2016 22:15

Trouble is OP you are mistaking being a good friend with just going along with what (you think) your friends want. A really good friend can be honest and open with her friends because that is true closeness. I understand you feel bad but getting into -even more fucking- debt will not make you feel any better. I used to get into these messes because I wasn't assertive enough to be honest about what I wanted or was able to reasonably do for my friends. Looking back I was being ridiculous. Please be honest with the bride and friend 2 and don't get yourself into even more of a mess.

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