Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

[Henzilla]

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

Thanks italiangreyhound that all is very logical. I'm struggling with how I could pull out or let people down but your post makes a lot of sense.

BTW OP - I'm currently organising a hen and like you got v stressed about money etc. It worked out that at least 3 others couldn't afford to go far so we did a total about turn with no explanation given and rearranged more locally. It's all been fine, no one minds.

I know it doesn't feel straight Forward at all and you just want your friend to have a good time. But really, you need to look out for yourself and get things under control.

OP why are you not cross that friend 2 went ahead after you said you couldn't afford it? That is not the behaviour of a friend.

Friend 2 is NOT your friend. Speak to the bloody bride - it's her hen night. If she cops the strop then she's not a friend and you've learnt a tough but valuable lesson. But she might agree.... She may prefer your idea!

Do not get a pay day loan. So irresponsible.

lorelei I think Friend 2 is in different financial circumstances to me so to be fair to herperhaps thought I was saying 'that will be a bit pricey' rather than 'I can't afford that because I need to pay my gas bill'.

Yes, I see now that I need to spell it out. But just for those who are piling in - it's always easy admitting you're totally broke.

not always obvs

But yes, I'm not cross with the bride at all. I'm a bit cross with friend 2.

All you have to do is tell the truth. You would have to take out a loan to afford a weekend away, and you don't want to do that.

If the bride is such a lovely friend she will understand.

As for what anyone else thinks, fuck them.

Don't do it OP

Just be honest.

Ask friend 2 if you could borrow the money from her as she is not going and you don't want to let the bride down? Then pay her back in instalments - with NO INTEREST! X

That's ridiculous. Why do you have to foot the bill? Why is it not shared? I would refuse to do it. I would be angry with friend 2. What a cheek. Back out. Explain to the bride. If she is a friend she will understand.

I know it's not easy

But in this day and age more and more of us are struggling financially and the world would be a lot better if we were all more honest with our friends about what we can and cannot afford. I have little doubt that you will be doing other people a favour. It is perhaps quite likely that Friend 2's volte-face is financially related - she's known about her 6 month old for a while, after all - the baby might just be an excuse.

Tell the bride

Can you do as Friend 2 is and go for part of it - is that more affordable? The others can all do the whole thing. It's fine if you're not there for the whole weekend - presuming its a casual affair and everyone can come and go and pay for what they take part in.....and not a full on activity packed thing.

Hen, if you don't learn to say things like "I can't afford it because I need to pay my gas bill" you'll go broke. I must have said that 1000 times in my life! I don't see why it's embarrassing.

OP a lot of people don't get it when you say you can't afford something. I've gone through stages where I have no access to credit and run out of milk before pay day. Then run out of tea bags. Fortunately I've never got to the stage where I can't boil the kettle but I've run out of stuff and just not replaced it. It puzzles my brother when he visits and goes to get the kitchen roll and I explain that I don't buy it. It costs money and reusable cloths will do the same job.

I've had weird conversations where someone says "I don't understand why you only have one bike when you're so dependent on it". I only have one bike because I can't fucking afford another one. Unfortunately, unless you've really had your back to the wall, a lot of people just do not understand what it's like to be really broke.

Just tell them. There's no shame in it. And have a look on Money Saving Expert at 0% credit cards if you haven't yet!

If you want a 'low conflict' solution why not send out a little extra email to the group saying that, before you book anything, you'd like a quick show of hands of who could make it to the the weekend in London (perhaps give a worst case scenario max cost) and who could make it to a local night out. I bet good money there'll be others who don't want the expense/hassle. Then you can go back to the bride and Friend 2 on the basis that she'll get a much better attendance at a local night out.

sothat

*There's no talking to you.

No wonder you're in debt.*

Just reading through everything properly as I plan what to do. That's hateful. Maybe you're right. But I'm really struggling right now. Thank you so much for the helpful posts from others.

OP, if one of my friends was in such a horrible place financially that they could only go on an expensive hen by taking out a payday loan, and they did it rather than let us know that they were in that position, it would be absolutely fucking horrible. I would be so, so upset that they didn't feel they could trust us enough to say.

TELL them. Seriously. I'm sorry but you say they are lovely, good friends, good people... so why the hell are you putting yourself in this situation, instead of trusting them? You must know that they wouldn't want you to?

Level with the lot that you are happy to organise the thing, as with Friend 2, but you can't possibly afford more than a night out - which is all she's doing, either. And that your credit card is maxxed out and you just can't raise the money. That's the way it is.

And I am sorry, but if Friend 2 knew 2 weeks ago and said the weekend away was fine and you "had to do what the bride wanted" then I call bullshit on her using her baby as an excuse, because she knew she had her 2 weeks ago. I say that as someone who never left my own when tiny unless it was hospital. But she was okay with it before, so what changed? A cost breakdown, perhaps?

Please say no. Your bride would be gutted to know her hen could put you in the shit this badly. Just swallow your pride and admit the finances can't do it.

did you know that the other friend was sending the email out with you as a co-signatory on it?

can you send her an email to say - remember I said I that this would be too pricey for me so remember I won't be there for any of it, it's great that you can be there for some of it...

And then whenever anything else is said, keep repeating that you have said that it is too pricey for you, you're sorry, you hope that they all have a lovely time but that they knew when they made the plans that you couldn't afford it.

Do you think there will be others who can't afford to go at the relatively short notice?

I know ideally you wouldn't have to spend any money - but if push came to shove and it did change back to being a local event - how much do you reckon you'd be able to save between now and then for the hen do (figuring in you'd also maybe want to spend something on an outfit or updating an old outfit, travel to the venue, wedding present etc)? I'd then deduct a little from the amount to have by you as contingency and know what the amount is so that if anyone asks you what you do have to spend, you can say 'what can we do on £20/head locally' or whatever it is you can afford.

And yes to giving a gentle heads up to the bride asap to say that whilst you know that she wants a special weekend away, you just can't afford it and that you'd like to take her out for a drink (or invite her around to your house for a bottle of wine or whatever) before her wedding instead. So you wish her well and you'll be thinking of her, but as you explained to other friend, you can't afford a weekend away.

Other friend has had no compunction on pulling out of part of it despite being insistent that this is what the hen do had to be. You told her all along that you couldn't afford it - she didn't hear you because she didn't want to listen - it didn't suit her plans that you didn't go as she knew that she wouldn't be able to go to all of it. (and if she's getting towards the end of her maternity leave then she might be feeling a bit tight on money too, so by saying she'll go to part of it but knowing that if she ignores you, she can effectively force you into going to all of it, she gets the feel good factor of arranging an expensive hen do with a great get out excuse in the form of breastfeeding to not actually have to spend lots of money... but still guilts you into going. Her breastfeeding a baby doesn't trump you - they're two completely separate things. If she can't go then she can't go. Should have no bearing on whether or not you go too - especially when you have said you can't afford to go!

BlueFolly thanks

Buckinbronco it is not the fault of the OP, she was snitched up. She needs empowering right now not trashing. The bride will cope just fine.

What white lie, OP? You don't need to say but I am feeling relieved if this means you will not take out he loan.

Re "I'm struggling with how I could pull out or let people down." First stand in front of mirror and say 10 times "I am not letting anyone down, I am looking after me."

Then speak to bride, explain situation, face to face, phone or email, whatever is easier for you. Say what you want to say, you felt a bit pushed into it by Friend 2 not by bride (if that is true) and now you are feeling stressed because as you said already you absolutely cannot attend and cannot pay for it.

Most importantly what do you want to do? Do you want to organise a local thing for bride? If yes, offer that.

Then tell Friend 2 and decide what will happen. Will friend 2 organise a big event which neither she nor you can go to? Good luck to her.

I'd go with DoreenLethal - Brilliant idea "So send another email out saying 'back to the drawing board ladies, a night out locally is going to be the better option. Will be in touch'."

I can almost guarantee you that some others will be relieved that the trip if off and a fun local night is on the cards.

Yes, you are right OP it isn't "... ialways easy admitting you're totally broke." I am married and my dh is very tight with money! I hated it at first until I saw others buckle and have huge financial problems., He's eased up a bit now but to be honest he has kept us a float. Learning good money skills is hard, I am 51 and would probably be bankrupt now if it were not for DH. Learn some financial skills, think of them as life savours.

BUT remember - you don't need to say you are skink you just need to say "I can't afford that." If people push just smile and say what I said to DH tonight when he accused me of eating his cream egg and didn't seem to understand when I said not me! I said something like "I find it really insulting you don't believe me!" (True story!)

Sort this for you......

Do it and come back and tell us once it's all over! PLEASE!

Thank you sleep I think Friend 2 knew from the start she couldn't make it. she just assumed everyone else could and when I said I couldn't afford it, she just told me that was what the hen wanted so we needed to make it happen and I (now see stupidly) accepted that. Me questioning that was the start of this AIBU.

Another one saying please be honest with the bride and say you cannot afford a hen weekend. She can get someone else to do it. If she really wants you to be there, she could get you to plan something local that won't cost much.

I couldn't afford a friend's hen weekend in London and she knew. She paid for me to go. I was her only bridesmaid, too. She has a lot more money than me and is very generous and I was so touched she paid for me.

I don't think money should divide friends. I couldn't have pretended I could afford to go and spend £300 on a weekend.

God. I sound like such a wuss and I'm really not.

OOO... MrsMogginsMinge has a brilliant idea, love it, DO THAT.

If lots can afford it ask which of them will organise it then. BUT I bet many will opt for local.

OP something occurred to me
Do you think Friend 2 went along with the London thing figuring she wouldn't have to do any of it? I bet the next step is that she's not going to part of it either....

Maybe she figured she'd have a harder time opting out of a local event. Btw I'm not normally one for conspiracy theories it just occurred to me because it seems odd generally.

You are not a wuss but you are not being heard and you need to make sure you are heard when you say what you can or cannot do.

There is so much good advice here. Thank you again italiangreyhound

You're helping me put it in perspective. And I am going to the wedding of course!