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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

235 replies

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 20:54

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

OP posts:

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 29/03/2016 21:44

Have you already taken out the loan? You know that there is a separate bit on credit files for payday loans right? 6 years of adverse credit for a night out? Are you insane?

TempusEedjit · 29/03/2016 21:44

Can friend 2 lend you the money seeing as she was allegedly going to go, but now isn't?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2016 21:45

It's not too late unless unrefundable deposits have been made. Even if invites have been sent out it's not to late to call the invitees and explain the change of plans.

I'd bypass 'friend'2 and speak directly to Bride. Tell her that tentative plans had been made by 'friend'2 and that she has now pulled out. That you absolutely cannot afford this trip in any way, shape, or form but that you will be happy to organize something more modest and possibly suggest something in your budget that she'd enjoy. If Bride isn't able to accept this then she's not much of a friend, is she?

You know, it used to be that it was perfectly OK to say 'I can't afford it' and people would just accept it. No one would suggest credit cards or loans or make you feel bad because you couldn't do XYZ. As a matter of fact, people seemed to be much more cognizant of their friends' financial status and usually things were tailored meet everyone's budgets (unless the 'high rollers' were willing to treat). Nowadays it seems to be that huge plans get made and it's just expected that the lesser fortunate will go into hock to do what the better off want to do. Damn shame.

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 21:45

bear it is true. Maybe I haven't explained it well. So Friend 2 is organising with me, insisted on it being a weekend away, but also says will only be able to come to part of it. Bride is getting married only a couple of months after getting engaged (no problem with that! They're together and love each other - it's great)

OP posts:

dreame · 29/03/2016 21:46

It's only been two weeks. The pride sounds like a nice person - weekend away IF it works for others (essentially).

Do what others have said and TALK TO HER. Absolutely don't take out a payday loan for her hen do.

Do you know how many people are living in debt in the UK?! You have no reason to be ashamed!

And honestly, would the bride be happy to know what you were doing to attend her hen?

Don't tell the other friend about your situation, talk directly to the bride. She sounds easy going and you can still celebrate together in a way you can afford and let the others go if they want. They don't all need to know your business.

There are lots of options that don't require you taking a PD loan. If you do take it for this, it's not because there's no alternative, it's because you actually want to more than taking any of the alternatives.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2016 21:47

Well just say you can only go to part of it too.

happyis · 29/03/2016 21:47

Please do not borrow anymore money! If your card is maxed out how on earth will you be able to make the extra repayments?

How much is your limit? I recently went away with a group of friends, one night in a spa including full use of facilities dinner, breakfast and a 30min treatment for £120. In the SE. We brought lunch and drinks with us so had no extras to pay whilst there. I know people that would think nothing of spending that in a night but it is still quire an extravagance for me!

Obs2016 · 29/03/2016 21:47

OP, Please could you answer the questions that have been asked?

lorelei9here · 29/03/2016 21:48

This doesn't make any sense op
You said you couldn't afford it

Speak to the bride directly, friend 2 is being ...actually I don't have a word.

Do not waste money, ever, that could be a food bill you need to pay, or part of rent. You would be insane to do this.

Btw a good friend respects the fact that you can't afford it and even if you could, that you might not want to spend it.

Sallyingforth · 29/03/2016 21:52

How can I put this politely OP?
You would be a fucking idiot to take out the loan for this!
If you are going to ignore all the good advice here, why the hell did you ask?
Don't do it!

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 21:52

I'm trying obs please tell me what I haven't answered?

Essentially I've got myself into a situation where we are planning a weekend away in London because when I said I couldn't afford it, friend 2 said that was what bride wanted so I'm making it so I can afford it. I now realise friend 2 won't be there overnight herself so am feeling angry I didn't nip this in the bud sooner

OP posts:

Littleallovertheshop · 29/03/2016 21:54

Talk to the bride - she will understand. Tell friend 2 if she's so desperate to do what the bride wants then she should damn well go to the full thing.

Do not get a payday loan, it's the worst possible non-solution to this problem.

Birthgeek · 29/03/2016 21:54

PP are asking why you can't pull out? Why you're saying it's too late?

KinkyAfro · 29/03/2016 21:54

So nip it in the bud now ffs

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 21:55

I've always (obviously) known friend2 has a 6mo so I'm not sure how it got to this point. But it has and now it's clear that she won't be there of course overnight so I'm in charge of that part of it. I just want to cry. These are my friends and I love them and want bride to have a good time.

OP posts:

Creampastry · 29/03/2016 21:55

Have you paid any deposits yet? Then cancel this stupidity. Man up and say no. Bride should understand and if she doesn't then tough.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2016 21:55

This is insane.

Hen do arrangements are not finalised with 2 weeks of an engagement.

Get a fucking grip and bow out now- stop letting your obligation gene get you into further debt.

Obs2016 · 29/03/2016 21:55

The questions that have been asked by me and many others are:

Have you paid any deposits?
Committed to anything yet?
Has it cost you anything yet? Anything you can't get out of?
Have you actually taken the payday loan yet?

If no. Then tell your friend you can't afford to go.
That's it. Really. Seriously. There IS no issue. You are only making one out of nothing.

Littleallovertheshop · 29/03/2016 21:56

Ps- you're not making this so you can afford it. Even with a pay day loan you cannot afford this. Don't do it.

starry0ne · 29/03/2016 21:56

You haven't answered what has been booked?

Even if you are committed to something..Its hard to tell from your thread..Not going on a night out in London is going to save you a packet...

You need a lean summer as it is to get your credit cards down..

I do wonder how happy you actually are? Do you not think these girls will be your friend if you don't keep up..

I would be devastated if a friend took a pay day loan rather than tell me..You need to talk to the bride not friend 2....

HanYOLO · 29/03/2016 21:57

Friend 2 has totally stitched you up but I would rise above that for now

Do not take on a pay day loan

Be honest with your friends. Tell the bride you are sorry but you you just can't afford to do a weekend away, much as you would love to, but hope you can join her for a night out with Friend 2 or something else nice, affordable and local. It's absolutely not your responsibility to give her the hen night of her dreams at huge personal cost. No true friend would want you to go to basically a legalised loan shark so she could have a fancy night out.

SoThatHappened · 29/03/2016 21:58

These are my friends and I love them and want bride to have a good time.

But they are NOT your friends.

If they were your friends they would not want you in more debt for this.

starry0ne · 29/03/2016 21:59

I have also read your last post..Why can't you all have a nice time at your local pub... You cannot afford to stay away for the night.

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 22:00

No, no deposits or money have been paid yet. But an initial email has been sent out (by Friend 2 signed by me and her) to those invited on the hen.

Not taken the loan yet, plan to do so tomorrow.

OP posts:

ConfuciousSayWhat · 29/03/2016 22:01

Then decline the invite and don't take the loan out

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