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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can manage without your family

136 replies

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:28

Well if they die you've no choice!

So many threads mention family support being 'invaluable', really?

Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on?

Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?

OP posts:
OneLove10 · 28/03/2016 10:39

Yanbu, it works for us. Dh and I chose to move about 11000 miles away from home and haven't really pined to go back. No real family issues on either side too. Just that we see our little family as enough and everyone else as additional. We do go back every two years for a week or two but that's more than enough for us.

SmallBee · 28/03/2016 10:42

I could manage without my family. But I'm bloody glad I don't have to. All the support they have given me is wonderful and I in turn support them. I'm happy to do it because I love them and them being happy makes me happy.
But then I have a good relationship with my family and in laws. I think it really depends on the families in question and the type of person you are. But YANBU.

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2016 10:42

"Juggling elderly parents/in laws"?

No because I happen to have love and respect for the people that brought me and DH up.

calzone · 28/03/2016 10:42

I agree.

I have 4 siblings who are married with kids. Plus parents.

I live 200 miles away and don't need to see them very regularly.

I'm a bit like that generally. Don't depend on anyone for anything. Am happy just me, DH and 2 boys.

DangerMouth · 28/03/2016 10:43

Yes obviously you can, we are. But when l talk to people who do have family support l have to acknowledge that it does seem to make their lives easier. And now with 2 dc l do get a bit jealous as life can sometimes be a relentless slog. Having help would be fucking amazing can you tell l spent 3 hours awake last night with dd2 just because she felt like it

BombadierFritz · 28/03/2016 10:44

Easiest of all to be alone

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:45

Laguna, saying someone is not a source of support but the opposite (through no fault of their own) is not saying you don't love them!

My grandparents were very demanding, not their fault but still.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/03/2016 10:46

Yes it's great and easy just to focus on your own little unit.

Until you get to be the grandparents and left out of that 'little unit'.

SingingMyOwnSpecialSong · 28/03/2016 10:46

We don't often see family and tbh they are hard work when we do. I am generally perfectly happy with that, but have felt massively jealous/sad recently as our neighbours who have two small children have had various family staying and doing loads of work in their garden. I am feeling swamped by our garden, which DM promised to help with when DD arrived and we moved house but never has.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:47

Thick I'm not talking about deliberately excluding living parents but if they aren't there you can still manage and be happy even without 'support'

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2016 10:47

I don't think it's a question of "defending" on anyone, to me that's an odd way of viewing your relationships. But yes it will all depend on the relationships you have with them in the first place. I think it's quite dangerous and sad to to try and turn yourself and your partner (and kids) into an insulated unit, e.g. if something happens to your partner.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:48

Partners are also over rated :)

OP posts:
Fabellini · 28/03/2016 10:48

My mum and dad moved away for their retirement when I was pregnant with dc1, so weren't around for everyday help, although they did come and stay sometimes, and we went to visit them in the holidays. They were always supportive from a distance!
After we lost dh (12 years ago now) they came to stay a bit more often...and for longer - I had a couple of holidays with my sister when the dcs were in primary school and mum and dad looked after them. It was lovely for all of us.
It's a worry now, they are both very elderly and my dad has dementia, so I've gone from wishing they were nearer for my sake, to wishing it for their sakes....although they refuse to consider coming back here. They tried to persuade me to move nearer to them after dh was gone, but the dcs were in school, all our friends were here, and this is where we wanted to live.
In an ideal world they'd have stayed put all those years ago......

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2016 10:48

That should say depending! Grin

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/03/2016 10:49

Oh well yes then Grin, I agree.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:49

Sorry to hear about your dad, it's a horrible disease.

OP posts:
Orangeanddemons · 28/03/2016 10:49

But what message are you giving your "Little Unit"?

They'll grow up one day. And will ignore their elderly parents. How will that feel then?

What are horrible selfish post.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:49

Cross post sorry!

OP posts:
hopefulmama36 · 28/03/2016 10:51

Hmm honestly I think it depends on individuals. My SIL is due her first baby soon both her mum, my mum and her sister are all due to go stay and help. If it was me I couldn't think of anything worse. I love my mum dearly but I would want time and space to get my head round being a mum. I live 3-4 hours away from my mum and would honestly say I lean more on my friends for support but that's just how I am. I think anyone is entitled to get support how they need it be it friends, family or in-laws.

YANBU to like what works best for your family. But I think YABU to judge others on what you find easier and how you see their situations as it may work for them. I see a lot off my friends kids and love being auntiehopeful and that they will come to me for cuddles and reassurance if they're upset and my friend is busy.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:51

No of course not!

But I read so much and hear on real life about being unable to manage without support and you need support and who is your support network.

If you don't have it then you can manage, I think. And I also think there are some advantages. Obviously id love it if my parents were alive but they are not and so at least I don't need to worry about future elderly parents needing me and juggling family politics so just trying to get some light at the end of the tunnel!

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 28/03/2016 10:52

The thing is OP, is that to your parents you are part of their 'one little unit'.

Keep that in mind. Look at your children and think how much you love them - will you truly be happy to hear your little ones describe you as a nuisance one day?

VulcanWoman · 28/03/2016 10:54

Best not to put all your eggs in one basket if you can, you never know what the future holds.

absolutelynotfabulous · 28/03/2016 10:56

No family here (all dead). Yes, you manage.

VelvetCushion · 28/03/2016 10:57

A nuisance juggling elderly parents and Inlaws Shock
Please look back to when you were young. Who bought you up?
God this makes me sad

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/03/2016 10:58

Actually I've said I agree, but that was from the lucky advantage of being a SAHM.

I've been able to do everything. I'm sure that if I had worked after ds2 then help from parents and PIL would have been invaluable. as it was when I went back to work after ds1, my mil had him for a day which helped out hugely with costs.