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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can manage without your family

136 replies

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:28

Well if they die you've no choice!

So many threads mention family support being 'invaluable', really?

Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on?

Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?

OP posts:

MiffleTheIntrovert · 28/03/2016 16:07

And in the light of your recent post, if you realise this, (and it's not exactly rocket science) why exactly did you start this thread?

It's just that it comes across as either very insensitive or a bit goady, particularly looking at your opening remarks and also as it's in AIBU.

What did you hope to achieve with this thread? Serious question.

Original poster

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 16:12

I don't start threads for your pleasure Miffle :) I'm sorry if I'm some way you found it 'insensitive' but gosh, there are hundreds of threads I find insensitive but I'm not self obsessed enough to think they're all about me so I just hide them if the title bothers me or ignore them if not.

What did I hope to get out of it?

Reassurance, that it can be done. Anecdotes from Mumsnetters who have done it. Encouragement, and so on.

They all seem good enough reasons to be so I'm happy I started it.

OP posts:

scotsgirl64 · 28/03/2016 16:21

I haven't spoken to my half sister and half brother in 7 years since my mum ( their step mum) died suddenly- she was 84. She'd left instructions in her will that me and my older brother were to have her house( approx 35k each). My dad had died 30 year previously with no will and my mum had used her life savings to live on after downsizing to 2 bedroom flat. Brother and sister had very little contact with her over that time whereas my brother and I saw / spoke to her regularly .....I was really upset when my sister said she was 'disappointed 'that my mum hadn't left her or brother anything!!( they are both in 60's and have no mortgages/ dependants!)....anyone else had similar experiences?

MiffleTheIntrovert · 28/03/2016 16:33

Well funnily enough, when you ask people "Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on? Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?" its not really clear at all that you are actually looking for "reassurance" and "encouragement" from others. Especially when you post in AIBU.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, if you are new to MN, a less inflammatory title and clearer OP making it clear what you're actually looking for, in a more supportive topic might get you better responses, and less people like me thinking you're just out for a barney.

Of course, if you're an experienced MNer just under a NC you will be very aware of this and have posted this like deliberately, in which case please feel free to ignore me...

Original poster

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 16:38

Ah but that's not what I said :) I'm not quite sure what you're getting at here to be honest but I think we'd better agree to disagree as I don't want a row! All I hope is a future that's happy and that was what I had in mind when I started this thread.

OP posts:

LovelyBath · 28/03/2016 21:27

It is definitely easier for me. I have parents which are very difficult (divorced but insist on visiting together for example). Other things, for example lots of blame and weirdness...so kind of like an escape really to live far away. Having strong boundaries or for some people NC is the only way forward.

Snarklepoo · 28/03/2016 21:41

Just spent another night being told I am a narcissist and projecting because I think meeting with sister's doctor/therapist/psychiatrist is inappropriate. Apparently I should be grateful.

My mother wrote to me a week before my wedding to let me know I am responsible for almost killing my sister when she decided to try to get run over.

My dad who is ancient and the absolute love of my life swings between saying his life with mother is unbearable and he wants to move out and claiming all is fine and disappears for weeks on end (I have to go looking for him at his favourite haunts as I am not allowed to phone the house) until he wants to bring up more shit to put in my shed ( that's already bulging at the seams).

I just feel guilty and exhausted and unloved and let down and lonely and worried and fucking furious with all of them.

Yes, you can manage without. You might even be happier. I wish mine would all just leave me the fuck alone.

LovelyBath · 28/03/2016 22:54

Boundaries, you need some boundaries Snarklepoo. They probably won't take any notice though, but you can follow through. Like with children. Also not reacting can help. So just don't get involved in discussions about the therapist etc. Let them think what they like.

Snarklepoo · 28/03/2016 23:03

So right, Bath. Kicking myself for being drawn in again. Must do better next time

greenfolder · 28/03/2016 23:19

Of course you can. I had a lovely dad and parents in law. They all died and my mum is elderly. But I am perfectly happy with my family. I depend on no one. Have always paid for childcare. I think you are better off having had good parents even if they don't live into your adult hood. I certainly think that when I read of some of the problems people have

LovelyBath · 29/03/2016 09:55

Ah, don't be hard on yourself Snarklepoo. I get it, I do. Go to Out of the FOG (google it) might be helpful for you. FOG- Fear, obligation and Guilt the feelings we get being around them x

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