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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can manage without your family

136 replies

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:28

Well if they die you've no choice!

So many threads mention family support being 'invaluable', really?

Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on?

Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?

OP posts:
UmbongoUnchained · 28/03/2016 11:40

The view that you're talking about, that people think you shouldn't have children with no family. Obviously.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:40

People don't say it in so many words but in this thread alone people have said they couldn't manage without their parents and that its lonely for children.

Then 'what support to you have' is asked a lot.

I'm not criticising obviously I'd use family support but as I've no family I just have to get on with it!

OP posts:
SylviaWrath · 28/03/2016 11:40

So other people enjoy the support they get, you don't have any, so you are having a pop at them.
This is a nasty minded, jealous little thread.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:41

Of course I'm not! Goodness me what a strange interpretation. I'm just saying that I think you can manage and even thrive on your own and you can with your family too

OP posts:
DanyellasDonkey · 28/03/2016 11:42

I could easily do without mine. I don't love or respect my mother and am at the stage when I tolerate her. If she gets infirm and needs help she won't get it from me (long story).

I prefer to spend time with people of my choosing, not people whose family I happen to have been born in to.

BirthdayBetty · 28/03/2016 11:42

You can have a happy family with just you and your children, in some ways it's better/easier than having to put up with the crap/conflict that comes with extended family and 'keeping ' the peace. In some (selfish?) ways I'm looking forward to just having me and dc's in 'one unit'. When my mum & mil depart I won't be bothering with some of my siblings (and dps) as we don't like them!

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2016 11:44

People that say they "can't manage" without their families support simply mean they don't want to think about it. If something happens and the parent dies for example no-one is saying then they can't manage because of course you have to. My DS 3 was the only child I had after my Mum died and it was completely different to the support I had with DS1 and 2. For me it wasnt just about "support" either but my Mum had a wonderful relationship with her Grandsons whilst DS3 never even got to meet her.

AgathaMystery · 28/03/2016 11:45

I would love to be nearer my DP as we get on well & DC adores them.

We live about 4-5 hrs from all our family & it's only now that DC is in school that we are struggling with childcare. It was our choice to move away so I can't complain (too much) but I DO get a bit jealous of BIL & SIL who have (our v young & reasonably healthy) MIL & FIL as primary childcare. This saves them about £8,000 a year Hmm

I'm glad we live where we live but we hadn't planned on children & its £££ when there is zero backup.

Birdsgottafly · 28/03/2016 11:47

""Birds that's all well and good but basically you seem to be saying that if you've got nothing and no one you should just not have kids as it's unfair to bring them into that life?""

Well if you've got nothing and no-one, then having a baby would be questionable.

No, I'm saying that the OP's attitude might be OK for her, but is it fair to cut off your children from extended family, if they aren't abusive etc of-course.

I see the difference having family makes, you don't imagine what changes can happen, my DH's Cancer came out of the blue.

I was then a LP and I've have had to be hospitalised, my children would have had to be in FC without having a support system that they knew.

I've seen people make these decisions, then decide that because their children are 18, they don't need support. It's a big commitment to make, that you will be your child's only support system and not one that many can live upto, even taking accidental death out of the equation.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:48

I definitely get wistful but ultimately I know jealousy is destructive so I just try to think of the good stuff.

OP posts:
mrsjskelton · 28/03/2016 11:48

I couldn't live without my family! Or my in laws... Love them to bits and they're involvement with DD.

cleaty · 28/03/2016 11:48

Friends are not "better than no one". Some of us have friends who are like having a very close sister who is there for us.

mrsjskelton · 28/03/2016 11:48

Their**

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:50

Birds all my family died apart from my brother who can't help, I obviously know anything can happen but that's kind of why you have to take a leap of faith. When I was born I had mum and dad brother and my dads mum and my mums Mum and dad.

Fast forward twenty years and only brother is alive!

It's a leap, it just is, I think you have to have the attitude anything can happen and plan as much as you can but don't let it stop you.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:50

Of course you could live without them!

OP posts:
ghostspirit · 28/03/2016 11:53

i think family support is really important. some people desperatly could do with some support but dont get it for what ever reason. but they manage because they have to.

MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 11:54

I longed for a close family. I'd read on here about women who pop into their parent's house to have a cup of tea and watch telly together...or about how they go shopping with their sisters and things.

I am from a large family but we never did anything together apart from Christmas and then that went up the spout in the end as some siblings don't get on.

I cope now with just DH and the DDs and our friends. They're more reliable. I just talk on the phone to my family which makes me sad as we were very close when I was young.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 28/03/2016 11:54

I guess it depends on your family.

I have nobody in the world apart from dd and Dh. Don't even have any close friends. We're fine and happy.

My dad died. My mum is a toxic, negative nightmare who I have been NC with for well over a year and have no intention of ever getting in touch with again. She made my life harder not easier.

I'm quite happy with my own company, bit of a loner I guess.

corythatwas · 28/03/2016 11:59

Everybody is different, everybody's life is different, everybody's parents are different. When people say they couldn't manage, they are not talking about you, OP. They are talking about how they feel now about their own families, not about some other hypothetical situation.

Plenty of people find their husbands a waste of space and would probably get on better without them. Doesn't stop me from thinking that I would probably have had a breakdown without mine when we were at our toughest stage.

My MIL is getting towards the end of her life: my DM was recently diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness (though seems to be making good progress). For reasons of distance and health neither of them has been available for day-to-day practical support. But both of them will leave a HUGE gap when they go. Of course I will carry on without them. But I won't pretend it doesn't matter. Any more than I will pretend that it wouldn't matter if something happened to dh because plenty of women find it easier without partners. That's their lives. This is mine.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 12:01

I would never suggest they don't matter, ever.

They matter every second of every day which is why trying to be happy is so important :)

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 28/03/2016 12:06

I could cope without family support, as they do fuck all supporting anyway. If anything we are the ones who support them.

JolieMadame · 28/03/2016 12:07

You can manage if you have no one (I don't have anyone) but it's a hell of a lot easier if you have help!

Obviously if your family are unhelpful or unsupportive then you're better off on your own.

There isn't one size fits all surely?

SylviaWrath · 28/03/2016 12:19

I'm just saying that I think you can manage and even thrive on your own and you can with your family too

Nobody said otherwise. You just pretend they do to argue against it, with a realy flippant "well your whole family could die so you'd have to cope!".
Yes, some of us do cope with that, as you know. Pretty awful to be practically wishing it on others though.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 12:31

But I wasn't Sylvia, that would make me a complete sociopath!

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 28/03/2016 12:35

I think "I couldn't manage" is a turn of phrase. I would hate for us to have to manage without my mum, but I know we would find a way. I'm sure that's what most people mean.

And asking "what support do you have" is a natural question when trying to help someone solve a problem. It doesn't have to mean family, it could just as easily be friends or helpful neighbours.

I suspect you are understandably a bit sensitive to this particular subject.

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