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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can manage without your family

136 replies

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:28

Well if they die you've no choice!

So many threads mention family support being 'invaluable', really?

Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on?

Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?

OP posts:
bananafish81 · 28/03/2016 13:10

We're trying for a family, have just had our first miscarriage after our 2nd cycle of IVF and I would do anything for family support close by. I have a wonderful Dad 200 miles away, a lovely brother who lives abroad, and DH is mostly NC with his (very small) family, so whilst I come from a big, boisterous, extended Jewish family, we are basically alone for the most part. I would have given bloody anything for my Mum to be alive to have given me a hug last week when we found out our baby had died. I didn't find it a chore nursing her when she died, it was a privilege.

Now, granted, I'm not yet at the stage where my Dad is elderly and infirm. He is off at bloody V festival grasping life as a widower with both hands! I may feel differently if or when that is the case (although he has asked me to pack him off to Dignitas before he gets doddery, I'm not sure that's a promise I'll be able to keep!)

I personally would love to have the nuisance of family close by. I appreciate others aren't as lucky to have family that they actually really like and get on with. It makes me sad that if we are lucky enough to be able to have our own family one day, we won't be able to have family nearby for support, or loving grandparents involved in their life on a regular basis

bananafish81 · 28/03/2016 13:10

We do manage without family. Very well

That doesn't mean I wouldn't like the chance to NOT have to manage without them.

wizzywig · 28/03/2016 13:12

Definately easier for us to be just us.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/03/2016 13:25

When people ask on threads "what family/support do you have?" these are generally threads where the OP is in a bad way, either because she's in an abusive situation, or because she's sounding seriously depressed and/or at the end of her tether and could really really do with some help or a break.

It's a normal question to ask - because the response to it will then depend on what further advice is offered to the OP to help her (or sometimes him) out of the situation that they're struggling with.

There are many different reasons why family are or are not any use - but to give constructive help to someone, you need to at least have some idea what you're dealing with first.

scoobydooagain · 28/03/2016 13:26

I manage fine without extended family but that is because I have a partner and my ex now sees our son regularly. For the first 4 years of my son's life, I had no help from his father and no grandparent support ( 3 dead and 1 dying - now all dead), it was very difficult and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So yes, you can manage without but a single parent without extended family support is very difficult. And yes, I do not need to worry about juggling caring responsibilities to elderly relatives, but it would have been nice if my son's last grandparent lived beyond him being 2 years old.

Rafflesway · 28/03/2016 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alltouchedout · 28/03/2016 13:31

Of course I can manage. But it would make life easier if, say, my parents lived nearby and could maybe pick the dcs up from school once or twice a week, or have ds3 for a day/ half day a week to cut down on his time at the cm. Or even babysit one evening a month so me and dh could go out. That would be lovely! My Bro and did to be live in our city, in fact in a couple of weeks will live in the next street, but they aren't going to be offering (and not done expect of them) that sort of support. Although they will be around for emergencies which is good.

alltouchedout · 28/03/2016 13:32

*SIL to be

megletthesecond · 28/03/2016 13:37

Yabu. We didn't evolve in isolated little units. A supportive family is worth its weight in gold, but obviously if they're a bit stately homes then they're best avoided. I'm a lp and my family has dwindled and it's fucking hard having so little practical help, we're existing not thriving.

TeacupsandFigs · 28/03/2016 14:11

But they are family, why would you want to manage without them? And why would they want to manage without you? We are a ten minute walk away from my parents and it's perfect. We're not in each other pockets but we bump into them round town from time to time and see each other often but in small doses, it's ideal. They have their independence but also know that we are just a phone call away in case of problem.
Our other elderly relatives are the other side of the world and they have no family nearby and they are really struggling, they are the cause of the most worry to us as we can do nothing to help. They can't travel due to ill health and we can't travel to see them due to lack of funds so they are living a poor quality life and struggle to cope.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 14:18

Because you don't always have a choice in the matter :)

OP posts:
BankWadger · 28/03/2016 14:19

My parents live on the other side of the world. I miss them dearly. I'm sad I'm not there for them and they aren't here for me.

It's the choice I made when I emigrated, but it wasn't an easy one.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 28/03/2016 14:22

I dont need the support of my family and Ive never relied on them for anything once I was past the age of 18.

But my father died last month and my fucking heart is broken. And its all well and good for you to cope with that in your way but dont belittle peoples relationships with their parents just because you dont have yours.

I would be devastated if my children held your views once they leave home.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 28/03/2016 14:24

Because you don't always have a choice in the matter

But when you do have a choice, whats the problem? What is your deal with someone being close to their parents?

I doubt people regularly bring this up with you. What types of conversations are you having with people?

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 28/03/2016 14:27

raffles. Flowers. That must be really hard.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 14:28

I don't have a problem with it, I'm just pointing out you can parent effectively and enjoyably without it.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 14:29

And I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Heart failure also took mine.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 28/03/2016 14:47

VelvetCushion
"A nuisance juggling elderly parents and Inlaws shock
Please look back to when you were young. Who bought you up?
God this makes me sad"

This assumes that all parents are worthy of the term parent, (go look at the stately homes threads)

Rafflesway · 28/03/2016 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 28/03/2016 14:56

Raffles, I worry enough about dd being an only and the lack of family and she doesn't have the challenges which your dd does. Living to 100 sounds like a plan. Grin

Abed · 28/03/2016 14:56

If my wife described myself, her and our future children as 'one little unit' I'd be a bit Hmm

There's more to family then just your partner and children.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 28/03/2016 14:59

I do feel envious of people with large families.

I do actually have a step mother who is very pleasant but she and my dad (deceased) only got together when I was in my 30s and then my dad died soon after......so although she's very nice we're not overly close. I invite her round for dinner every now and then and she does likewise.

She has a lot of siblings, nephews, nieces, some of whom now have kids -ive been to family gatherings of 20plus and it's lovely. But I'm very aware that im a bit of an outsider, not proper family.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 28/03/2016 15:10

I think there are pluses and minuses to both. And of course it depends on your family and situation.

I purposely put some distance between me and my family (much to my parents horror and concern) after my Ex left. I find them much easier to deal with when I can pick and chose how involved I am with them.

I'm on my own with DS, so not having family down the road to help out can be difficult and a pain in the arse. But i do prefer my space.

Of course money helps... if you can pay for someone to help out when you really need it (post-operation recovery was difficult forme when alone with DS) then that will obviously help.

I think at the end of the day its a choice for many, and a fact of life for others. But plenty of people do manage just fine without family help so it can be done.

Bluebolt · 28/03/2016 15:58

Most people cope when situations are taken out of their control. I have lost my parents and we cope, dps mum is in sheltered housing 200 miles away. I do not miss the practical help as they where never able I miss the talking, the sharing of milestones. My DS said his first word in a decade he has severe learning difficulties, I would of been straight on the phone to DM, that is what I miss.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 15:59

theres more to life than your partner and children

Absolutely.

Some people don't have children and are happy. Some people don't have a partner and are happy. Some people don't have wider family support, and are happy.

OP posts: