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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can manage without your family

136 replies

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:28

Well if they die you've no choice!

So many threads mention family support being 'invaluable', really?

Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on?

Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 28/03/2016 10:58

We would manage without my parents but I'm very glad we don't have to. They are wonderful with DD and love spending time with her. They love having her for sleepovers etc and of course we appreciate the break but more importantly, it makes me happy to see what a lovely bond they have with her.

Annarose2014 · 28/03/2016 10:58

I have a slightly different perspective as my family are not miles away, but dead.

It means no back up/support (obvs) but tbh it also means we know where we stand for the future and there is some peace in that. By which I mean I know that my kids are literally all I have to do for the rest of my life. Other than DH, they'll be all I have to take care of and that simplifies life a lot.

I spent the last 10 years of my parents lives caring for them daily. I didn't have kids and it was still as hard as you can imagine. No regrets whatsoever as they deserved it and had peaceful deaths, feeling loved and cared for. But it was 24/7 the last couple of years.

I cannot imagine the stress of doing all that and raising my own kids too.

So sometimes I think I wouldn't trade places with those with young grandparents who help out a lot. There's a whole lot coming down the road there and those that give a lot of care for grandchildren should morally (IMO) be given care themselves in turn.

Having no support is hard, but it's very clear cut.

BirthdayBetty · 28/03/2016 10:59

Hmmm, the thing is, setting aside my feelings, the dc's really love their gp's. They will be very upset when they die, for me it will probably be about helping them to come to terms with death.

MardyGrave · 28/03/2016 11:00

But do people manage? Some people do, but not everyone. Let's not pretend everyone raising children is doing a good job, providing everything they should to their dependents as well as taking care of their own well being. Most people need support.

MarshaBrady · 28/03/2016 11:00

I would prefer to be closer to my family, it's harder when they're placed all over the world.

I'd like my children to have closer relationships with them, although they get on pretty well when together.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:01

My parents are dead. I'm not part of a little unit and haven't been for years.

I just don't think that means I shouldn't enjoy being a mum.

OP posts:
BombadierFritz · 28/03/2016 11:01

I'm sorry your parents are no longer with you Flowers yes, i suppose there are 'look on the bright side' advantages to that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/03/2016 11:03

I manage without all of my own family, because they're the other side of the world. But it does help to have MIL close by to help out. Of course we could cope without her, but it is easier to have her around than not.

MarshaBrady · 28/03/2016 11:05

Although we do manage,, it helps that pil are in London.

grapejuicerocks · 28/03/2016 11:08

I like my parents and extended family. I could manage without them but I don't want to...

UmbongoUnchained · 28/03/2016 11:09

My husband has no family at all. He manages, of course he does, he's a grown up, but he does rely on my family for things. Even just a cuddle with my mum. From what I've seen from him, you an manage, but you shouldn't have to.

Fabellini · 28/03/2016 11:10

There's nothing wrong with doing the "looking on the bright side " thing.....I've even done it about being without dh - I make the rules for dc and I, and what I say goes, there is no one else to argue with. I can eat toast in bed. We can stay up til 1 in the morning watching YouTube videos. However, I don't think I'm fooling anybody into thinking that I feel this is better!
I imagine it's the same for you having lost your parents. It's only natural. Flowers

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:10

'you shouldn't have to.'

Of course you 'should' unless you're seriously suggesting that those who prematurely lose parents should remain childless!

OP posts:
Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:11

It's not better and it's not worse, it's just different :) and there are good things and there are bad things!

OP posts:
UmbongoUnchained · 28/03/2016 11:12

What? That's not what I said at all?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/03/2016 11:13

No family here either, but also no little family of my own yet. My foster parents were crap.

It's not like I can change anything so I don't tend to think about it, although there are times that I wish I had some kind of family. If my parents had stayed in touch with their extensive family I would have those people, at least, but my parents cut them off so they didn't ever give us time of day once my parents were dead.

I survive. It's harder around "family" occasions but mostly I do just fine. If I want kids, they'll have to do just fine too.

Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:14

It just annoys me when people insist you can't have a happy family with just you and children.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 28/03/2016 11:16

Completely depends on the family. We get on very well in the main with all of our parents. Both sets are divorced and have new partners, but we manage to see them regularly.

Both dh and I work full time and we would be lost without DM and mil helping us with childcare both during the working week and at weekends so we can go out together. We are lucky that they both enjoy helping out.

That said we don't always see eye to eye, they drive us nuts as do we, them, I am sure! But ultimately we are all a family and for me, I do believe in a village raising a child. My dd learns things from her grandparents that she couldn't from me, and their bond is different and special and I would hate for her not to have it, so we are all prepared to compromise and work through things to make sure those relationships are nurtured. I find those relationships easier to maintain than with our siblings and their families because everyone is so busy, actually seeing each other is nigh on impossible!

It's so individual. If a family is particularly difficult or abusive then clearly it's better not to be involved, but for us, a little bit of compromise and understanding means everyone's life is enriched by having the wider family unit in each other's lives

UmbongoUnchained · 28/03/2016 11:17

Well I hope that's not aimed at me because that's not what I was saying at all. I was sharing my husbands experience.

witsender · 28/03/2016 11:19

Of course you can manage. But why would you want to under normal circs? I have lived both far and near, and the latter is way easier and nicer all round. Don't you want your kids in your life when they grow up?

Muskateersmummy · 28/03/2016 11:19

And clearly if you dp have passed there is no choice, so they will do just fine having just their parents. I don't think children can only be happy with a large extended family. But if you can and its possible then it's nice

Flowers
Original poster
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:19

I totally appreciate that's not what you meant Um but could you try to explain what you DID mean? :)

OP posts:
OrangeNoodle · 28/03/2016 11:20

I used to think like this until people's health started to falter. Both the older generations of our family and our own children. We all help each other out and life would be harder if we didn't do that.

Plus we love and cherish each other, and realise that life is short and tomorrow is never guaranteed, so we want to be near each other.

MrsJayy · 28/03/2016 11:21

Be careful what you wish for your little unit will grow and see it as normal to not bother with parents elderly or not extended family is nice to have around my parents were young GP they were still working full time and had other children to look after mil was a bit older and we were supported in different ways by both of course people manage and of course you don't need to have extended family to be happy nobody suggest ed tyat

maybebabybee · 28/03/2016 11:21

I suppose I could manage if I had to.

I absolutely wouldn't want to. I love the fact DS has a big extended family. I would feel very alone if it was just the three of us!

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