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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you can manage without your family

136 replies

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 10:28

Well if they die you've no choice!

So many threads mention family support being 'invaluable', really?

Don't you find it a nuisance juggling elderly parents/ILs and politics of family and so on?

Isn't it in some ways EASIER to have just one little unit?

OP posts:
inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:22

No, you don't! It's lovely!

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 28/03/2016 11:23

I don't think that anyone believes you can't be happy without extended family, only that if your extended family are nice, they add to your lives. I will not resent anything I do for my parents later in life because I love them and I will remember how much love and care they have given me over the years.

Of course, I would survive without them, but I honestly wouldn't be so happy. The love I have received from my parents is unconditional and much as I love dh it is different - I know that our relationship could go tits up but my parents will always love me.

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:23

NN do you honestly believe you can't be happy after you lose your parents?

You can. Obviously you always miss them but of course you can be happy.

OP posts:
RhombusRiley · 28/03/2016 11:24

Having no support is hard, but it's very clear cut.

Yes AnnaRose - so well put.

It is bloody hard though. I have a very dysfunctional family of my own and MIL is not interested, and they all live far away. I'm NC with various family members, we see a few occasionally but they don't help out in amy way with kids or family life.

I know if I'd had supports from a nice family, nice, responsible parents and siblings who I could trust with my DC, it would have made things SO much easier. I do get stressed and anxious and it's partly never, ever just getting a break overnight, or being able to call for help when you're overwhelmed or ill. It's also not great for the DC IMO because they get used to only being with that little unit, and that then makes sleepovers and school trips away much harder for them.

I sometimes feel so envious when I see other kids with lovely helpful grandparents playing an active part. Well, and other parents having parents they can turn to and lean on.

BUT with my family as they are, yes it's a million times better that we're detached from them and not entangled with their dramas and politics.

I fantasise about having a nice family though. And I do hope that if my DC have kids, I'll be able to help and they'll want that (without wanting to be overbearing).

Birdsgottafly · 28/03/2016 11:25

It depends on what happens to you.

I was a Support Worker and then SW, if your family is none toxic then during times of severe illness, disability, having a disabled child, then your outcomes are much better with family support.

I know parents of disabled children who would have to beg the LA ( and usually not get it) to get a break, so they live even more stressful lives, without family help.

Again, if your DP/DH turns out to be abusive, having family does help, when you come to leave.

I was widowed with young children, they benefited from family support and so did I.

Children benefit from a good extended family, practically and emotionally.

I didn't have a big family, because I'm second generation immigrant and my Mother felt as the OP did, I had family in other regions, but she didn't bother to keep in touch. I do feel I've missed out and people think it's strange that you don't know your cousins etc. It's a very selfish attitude to take.

Ask anyone from an immigrant/refuggee background what it is like to not have anyone, accept for well meaning workers.

I've worked and had personal experience of people without family, Foster Care children, those from abusive families, those that have been rejected because of MH issues, life isn't anywhere near as good as someone's with a supportive family.

How many posts on here has there been from people who think they've had good friends, but in times of need they haven't. Being a high earner or having a good marriage doesn't mean that any of the scenario's that I mentioned won't happen to you or your children, who you've cut off from support.

maybebabybee · 28/03/2016 11:25

I absolutely dread losing my mum tbh. I think it's going to totally destroy me.

There is a bit of a "your parents are supposed to die, get over it" attitude in this country unfortunately.

Houseworkavoider · 28/03/2016 11:25

Who exactly are these people that insist you can't have a happy family with just you and children.?
I've not seen any on this post.
I've just seen you jump on UmbongoUnchained for nothing.
Your posts read like you want a row tbh.

UmbongoUnchained · 28/03/2016 11:27

inthemorningsky

I mean that my husband manages but why should he have to? It's not his fault that he has no family. I'm sure you would prefer to have your parents alive and around you wouldn't you?

(English isn't my first language so I do struggle to get my point across sometime sorry! Also been told I can sound quite blunt Blush)

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:28

AnnaRose, thank you.

Birds that's all well and good but basically you seem to be saying that if you've got nothing and no one you should just not have kids as it's unfair to bring them into that life?

Or have I misunderstood?

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MoggieMaeEverso · 28/03/2016 11:29

*It just annoys me when people insist you can't have a happy family with just you and children.
*

Who has said this to you? Is there a specific situation that's bothering you?

It's just I've never heard anyone say this in real life and it's not a common belief - all families are different. So it does sound a bit as though someone's had a go at you and you're imagining that lots of people feel that way!

NNalreadyinuse · 28/03/2016 11:29

I am not saying I will never experience happiness ever again once they are gone, but I will miss them always. I will have lost something irreplaceable. I see it in how my mum misses her mum and brother - she is happy with us but she still wants her own mum and it has been over 25 years since my nan died.

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:29

Well obviously Um but I have no control over that and nor does your husband :) it's just about making the best life you can and for me having children is a huge part of that and it's upsetting when people think you shouldn't.

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Frika · 28/03/2016 11:29

We live in a different country to all of both our families, and although we're very fond of both sets of parents in particular, the kind of 'expectation' of help with children etc I see assumed on here often, has never been a possibility, or indeed something that occurred to us. Childcare is something you pay for in our world, and when it isn't available, things just aren't possible, and yes, sometimes it has involved me having to get myself to A and E in a taxi by myself, and us both making work compromises, because no childcare is available on the weekend and we both have something work-related on.

When we moved to our current village, we used to stare in fascination at the house opposite, a working married couple with three children, who have three of the four grandparents in and out of the house everyday - taking the children to school, picking them up, taking them to activities, mowing the lawn, doing laundry and ironing, putting the bins out, cooking, shopping, walking the dog, painting and other DIY. They are equally fascinated, and I suspect, mildly appalled, by what they see as our tiny, self-reliant family.

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:30

Moggie loads of people say and insinuate it that you need family support, well if you have it it's helpful but if you don't well!

OP posts:
Piemernator · 28/03/2016 11:31

Both our families live at least 250 miles away and 3 of our siblings live in other countries.

Emotional support may not be quite the same over the phone but can be given

Practical support could have meant very occasional babysitting for us but not regular childminding, DIY stuff would have meant us doing stuff for them. As it is we sort out IT related stuff over the phone and have remote log in access to MIL computer so we can do it.

Financial support has never been given to us but we have assisted various family members with money.

We are the most sensible practical types in either of our families and I think demands would have been made on us.

UmbongoUnchained · 28/03/2016 11:31

I'm sorry I don't know anyone with that view.

Muskateersmummy · 28/03/2016 11:32

I feel the same maybebaby . My DM is such a large part of mine and my dd life, I know I will be devastated when she dies. Obviously I expect it to happen one day but that won't make it any less sad or painful.

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:32

It's very sad and very painful but you can still be happy.

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inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:33

With what view?:)

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Houseworkavoider · 28/03/2016 11:34
Chocolate
cleaty · 28/03/2016 11:35

Yes you can, but I think you need good friends. Truly good friends can take the place of family. I and other friends looked after a friend until she died as she had no family. But most people who want friends, only want more casual friends.

shazzarooney99 · 28/03/2016 11:36

I am on my own really, apart from my partner and my children.

inthemorningsky · 28/03/2016 11:36

Mmm sort of. They don't replace family and it's not the same but better than no one of course.

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Canyouforgiveher · 28/03/2016 11:37

It just annoys me when people insist you can't have a happy family with just you and children.

I've never heard this either in real life or on MN. Where are you hearing this OP?because it is a very odd idea.

I live thousands of miles away from family. we managed fine but extended family is still important to us. My parents are now both dead. It is actually easier in some ways-not worrying about them, not travelling home regularly etc. Doesn't mean it is better though.

80schild · 28/03/2016 11:39

DH has almost no family left (both his parents died in the last 4 years) except for his brother and my mum and sister live down the road. I have had struggles with my relationship with my mum and my sister in the past (there is a bit of a tricky history) but I do love them and I can rely on them for an honest perspective.

I don't see them as a possible support network because they enjoy being in control too much however, there is something to be said for having people around you who will be completely honest and won't be saying things for an easy life. At times they have really helped me to put my arguments with DH into perspective.

DH doesn't really have anyone to do this and I find it quite hard because his mother was his voice of reason.