To ask how much childcare you expect

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

I think 'expect' is a loaded word in this context. When I was PG with our first I asked both my Mum and MIL if they would be willing to do one day a week each when I went back to work. I expected them to say yes because I know them but had they said no I wouldn't have kicked off or anything. I also checked when PG with our second if they would be ok having both of them.

I'm still on mat leave atm so it hasn't happened yet but the arrangement is a day in nursery and one with each gp. And whilst it is massively beneficial to us and we are appreciative it really isn't a one way street. Everyone benefits from the arrangement.

If they go on holiday or have something onwe work around them. (Tbf they usually cover each other) and we would have never suggested they give up work or anything. Had they said no I would have been abit hurt they didn't want to spend that time with the kids but would never have let on. They do a bit of babysitting from time to time too and cover emergencies but we don't ask much since they already do a lot.

My daughter lives in the States so we don't have the problem of being asked to babysit. However, they did fly us to New York 3 years ago as they had a booth at an art show they were doing and desparately needed us to look after our 3 year-old granddaughter. Had a great time for a few days wandering round Central Park and dipping in and out of shops!

But other than that, if she did live local (and I wish that she did) I too would find it hard to give day-time childcare on a regular basis because even at 66 I'm still working full-time and I can't afford to retire yet (nor do I want to!)

My next door neighbour has 3 children and her own business. Her mum comes every day all day and looks after her grandchildren. It's obviously what she wants to do and so everyone is happy.

But a very difficult subject!

The GPs on both sides don't live close enough to help out with DS on a regular basis but do come over occasionally for emergencies. However I'm pretty sure that even if they did live closer they wouldn't help out any more. I know lots of people who have regular help from GPS and their lives are a whole lot easier. Im assuming they are all happy to do as much as they do as they constantly post pictures on facebook of what they're doing with their GCs. I do envy families who have that support. Both DP and I work shifts and it can be difficult to find child care to accommodate our random hours. Plus I would love for the GPS to have a bigger part in my DS's life and I find it sad that neither set of GPS are that interested in looking after him. They have their 'own lives' and 'have done their bit rearing children'. Grand children could benefit so much from input from the extended family ( I hardly knew my GPS as it was the same when I was a child too) but it seems that many are more interested in their social lives than helping with the next generation. I'm not saying they should give up their lives entirely I'm just surprised and disappointed that they don't value contributing to their GCS lives. So in answer to the question I don't expect help I'm just disappointed that it's not forthcoming.

We neither expect nor get regular childcare from any grandparents, I have given up work because we couldn't make the childcare situation work and we can afford for me to do so. My DM and PIL all help out when they can, they adore having DD and both DM and MIL would love to give up work and be our childcare but realistically it's not financially affordable for either of them and we couldn't pay them enough to make it work (not that they would accept any money I imagine). As it stands it's probably a good thing as it means they're always happy and willing to take her if we have plans so everyone is happy.

How rude of her to expect her mum to adjust her life to look after gd. She sounds very selfish. I would never dream of asking that! Dh and I try our best to cover childcare between us. This involved my doing evening shifts for 6 years till the dds started achool. Now I work during school hours.
Its her that needs to adjust her working pattern not her mum.
On the rare occasion mine and dh's shifts overlap in the school holidays I ask my dm or the fil if they can help. I wouldnt expect more than the odd day here and there when needed.

My mum and dad are full time in stressful jobs. No way would I ask them to take regular childcare hours. I hope that they'll offer do the odd sleepover when baby is big enough though.

Husbands dad and step mum live a while away, and I don't really like them very much (nothing too bad, she's a bit of a bitch though)- I imagine they won't be having much involvement with baby.

His mum and step dad live a little way away. His mum is retired, so I'm hoping she'll volunteer to look after baby a few mornings a week, but I won't cry into my coffee if she passes on that offer.

I've never expected it or even asked, we have always paid for childcare and my DM has helped out in some emergencies e.g. childminder sick. But that's it.

No help whatsoever. Parents and PIL both live 1-3 hours away. Mil banned from being alone with DS (sees a massive alcoholic) and both parents v Ill. Baby sitter is a member of staff from nursery. Emergency/sickness we have to make do (eg DH had to go alone to hospital with suspect DVT). We chose to have a baby we make do. How rude to expect a parent who did all their sacrificing bringing you up to have to make further sacrifices to bring your child up. Your friend needs to stick to her guns and tell her selfish daughter welcome to parenthood.

I had none both sets lived some distance away and were still working. I'm always amazed at the number of mumsnetters whose parents live round the corner and are retired/ unemployed.
By the time I get to retire I won't want to be a childminder. Playing with the grandchildren esp with parents there fine, doing the whole childminder thing is a bit much if in late 60s +

Grandparents should be free to spoil their grandchildren in my opinion, and being tied to regular weekly childcare means that this doesn't work anymore, they end up getting drawn i to parenting the child too which isn't fair at all. I also know several childminders that refuse to take children if the grandparents do some of the care - the children are too unsettled from being passed to a different person every day of the week.

I would never expect my DM to give up any days to look after my DS as that would leave her out of pocket just so I could save some money, which I think is very counter-productive in itself.
I get very cross about this anyway, I have a friend who's mother is much older than mine so already retired and friend's mother has been complete child career for her for 6 years, and I get very annoyed that she has put so much on her mother. I get even more cross because she doesn't even treat her mother on a regular basis, which I think should be a standard considering how much of a favour s being done for her; even if it was just a night out to dinner once a month.
I think Grandparents need to be just that, Grandparents. It's ok if they babysit now and again or even have kiddies a few days at a time occasionally, but if they are there in place of paid child care then they never get the chance to actually just enjoy their Grandchildren.

I remember my mum saying to me when I was in my mid-20s that if I ever had a baby, she'd look after it. This was purely hypothetical at that stage as I hadn't even got together with my now DH and babies were certainly not on my radar. It might have come up in a conversation about her not liking the thought of very young children being in full-time nursery. So in a way I expected some help, but if she'd said at the time, "Just so you know, if you ever have a baby, I'll babysit occasionally but that'll be it," then I would not have done.

Fast-forward a few years and DH was absolutely adamant we had to live near my family (his parents are dead) when we had children. Obviously he hadn't read any threads like these! My parents don't do any formal childcare in the sense that they don't have them every Tuesday, for example. But my mum sometimes comes round and minds the children (oldest is at school) for an hour or two while I do some work from home (I do freelance proofreading) or get on with other jobs. She also used to help with cleaning (at her insistence, I hasten to add - I didn't ask her to) but doesn't so much now as she had an operation on her back last year and I have more time now DD is at playgroup some of the time. She also feeds our pets when we are on holiday and probably babysits around 3 evenings a year (which is not too strenuous as DCs will hopefully be asleep). My dad tends to come over once a week for a few hours. He does childcare in the sense that he plays with DD while I get on with jobs around the house and has occasionally babysat. My mum still has plenty of time for holidays, meeting up with friends, Ramblers walks, history talks and volunteering.

Locally, I would say the majority of parents I know have at least one set of GPs nearby, although not do childcare. There are always lots of GPs on the school run and at toddler groups. Some say their children would not be able to afford childcare otherwise. One I met was also looking after her 95-year-old mother.
My mum had less help than I've had, because neither set of parents was nearby. However, they came to stay when, for example, she had my younger sister, and later on when she went on week-long residential courses or was ill.

DH's sister obviously hasn't had any parental help, but her husband's parents will have the kids overnight from time to time or for a few days when they go away, and they used to go skiing with them so they could mind the grandchildren while the parents skied. My mum had one friend who died recently but who had moved house a couple of times to provide childcare for her doctor daughter (she offered to do this).

Don't expect any help, although would ask and be a bit put-out if the answer was 'no' without a 'good' reason (prebooked foreign holiday etc) in an emergency situation (like, looking after DC1 during the birth of DC2, house flood, that kind of thing).