To ask how much childcare you expect

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

None. My parents are 100 miles away and physically unable anyway. MIL is 200 miles away, but even if we lived round the corner I wouldn't expect childcare from her.

My SILs take the piss in that respect and it drives DH and I crazy. She is over 70 and in and out of hospital for serious intestinal problems. She is still expected to do regular childcare by SILs.

If you can't afford to be a SAHP, or you can't afford to pay for childcare, don't have bloody kids.

While I know one shouldn't "expect" anything, I'd expect a bit of evening babysitting if I had parents who lived near by. The odd bit of helping out when you are stuck - again, only if they are near by. Ours aren't. As children get older I'd probably expect - and do get - the chance to go away or the occasional weekend, with plenty of warning and at a time that suits them. I'd never expect regular, week in week out childcare to allow me to work. And certainly not if they are still working themselves!

None. It's nice if we get to go out sometimes when the visit, but it is entirely up to them to offer.

I didn't expect any and I didn't get it. My DM made it very clear early on she would help on an ad hoc/emergency basis but not on any kind of rota, simply because she didn't want to. And I don't blame her one bit. DS2 still needs childcare for about an hour per week - he goes to a childminder despite my fit and healthy retired DM living only ten minutes away.
I've spoken with many friends' parents who are tied week in and week out with childcare commitments to grandchildren and would seemingly rather not, but seem afraid of speaking their mind. They have only themselves to blame.
My retirement plans include holidays and pleasing myself too tbh, not doing the school run.

I didn't expect anything from my parents or PIL's in terms of childcare.

It was mine and DH's decision to have children and equally our decision to ensure we could afford any childcare.

Awaits turned out they are both very amenable to looking after the kids in the school holidays for a week or so and have also kindly stepped in for emergencies. Something that is much appreciated.

However I would not want a regular arrangement. It's just a recipe for disaster and resentment. They are entitled to their retirement and to holiday etc. I need regular childcare I can depend on. I just don't think the two things are very compatible.

Of course it can (and does) work for some families, but I think these are fewer than you might imagine.

My overriding position is that grandparents have done "their" parenting and "parents" shouldn't expect them to do it again - especially if it's for their financial gain at the expense of their parents.

I didn't expect any and I didn't get it. My DM made it very clear early on she would help on an ad hoc/emergency basis but not on any kind of rota, simply because she didn't want to. And I don't blame her one bit.

Same here. As it's turned out, my DM does help for a few hours most Fridays - though it's always dependent on whether she has anything more fun else on. She's been fab at times of real need though.

Ours isn't born yet but I know we won't be getting any. My mum is dead and my dad lives a few hours away. My in-laws are an hour away and both work full time. I think both my dad and MIL will help out in an emergency if they can, but I certainly don't expect more than that. Childcare is so bloody expensive but then we knew that when we planned a baby! Bloody cheek of anyone who expects it!

When my son was born my SIL said she wanted to go part time and help out with childcare (she has no children). I was quite surprised but very grateful - well, she hasn't done it yet and he is 11! So basically I wouldn't rely or expect anyone else to help out - if they do, it's a nice surprise but don't bank on it.

None, my dad couldn't cope and dp's parents live over an hour away. It doesn't really matter to us as such because I'm a SAHM. Absolutely loads of people get help from gp's in my experience and it sometimes makes all the difference in the decision to return to work for one of the parents. I've been to a few toddler groups since having dc and it's generally a third SAHMs/pt or mat leave mums, a third childminders/nannies and a third grandparents. Most seem very happy but there are some I see regularly who I'm not totally convinced can cope well at all.

I'm totally at your oh's dd and your friends dd op!!

I don't expect any childcare. I am very fortunate that my parents do one day a week when I am at work, plus occasional evenings (maybe 3-4 a year). I have told them several times that they must let me know if they ever want to stop regular childcare. My DC are their only grandchildren. We get basically no childcare from in-laws as they do so much for my nieces and nephews, and we don't feel we can ask them to do any more (helping out with kids most days and probably at least one night a month).

No-one should ever expect childcare from their parents, and be bloody grateful if they are given any at all. Expecting your parents to give up work to provide childcare for you is just

I don't expect anything but my parents do 2 days per week most weeks
Sometimes I put her in nursery a few extra days or take the day off to give them a break
Husbands family aren't local but they do help a couple of times a year.
But my parents are retired and they offered to help.

I get no help from either set of GP and wouldn't expect help either

It's your kid you sort your own child care out, that's the way we see it.

GP have done their time looking after kids, now their kids are grown up they should be free from it

Those grandparents who have decided not to help when they could, had better remember that one day they will be older and will desperately want and need the presence of their children and grandchildren. Unfortunately they might find that their children are ready for their own "me time"

what a lovely picture of family life! So it's not enough that your parents have brought you up, they also have give up their lives to look after your children, or they don't deserve help in their old age? Not only is that a vile attitude but, IME, it's completely untrue. The sort of adult children who are selfish enough to expect GP to give up work/leisure to look after GC are hardly likely to be bothering themselves to look after elderly parents in due course.

PILs have DD2 one day a week, and they also pick up DD1 from school and give her dinner that day too. They drive them home at the end of the day which is a massive treat as it means neither of us have to do the pick-up that day. They occasionally have them overnight so we can go out - maybe 3 times a year.

My DMum is too old to cope with the two of them on her own. She will have DD1 (5) for the odd day during the school holidays, but I wouldn't ask her to have DD2 (3) as well as it's too much. She will babysit in the evening if my DSis comes with her (DSis is too nervous to babysit on her own - anxiety issues - so they come as a pair). I have asked them to babysit for me in the evening maybe 4 times ever since they were born.

I am fairly unusual though - as PPs have said, many many people that I know have lots of family childcare provided. Some good friends of ours have just had DC3 and the grandparents (the husband's parents) will be having the baby full time and doing all school runs for the older two when maternity leave is over. They are in their early 60s and have always done the majority of the childcare. Another friend of mine has 2 DCs and works full time - her mum does the school run and after school care for her children every day. She has recently moved back to the area having previously lived about 2 hours away: when she lived away, her mum would travel and stay overnight once a week to do 2 days of childcare for her. I have several work colleagues with DCs similar ages to mine and all of them have significant family support, their DMums have their kids 2 days a week at least plus will do pick-ups and drop-offs. I know at least 2 people whose mothers or MILs come to their house every day before 7.30am to let them get ready for work and go in peace. I would love to be able to get ready in peace, leave for work early or stay late at work to get stuff done knowing someone else was doing pick-up! One of my work colleagues has her parents look after her 2 DCs for 2 days a week and they keep them overnight in between. Actually, an old friend from school has the same arrangement with her PILs...

I think if you have the finance, health and time to help with the grandchildren then why wouldn't you? If my DMum was younger she would help me, I think. I don't ask her to because I know she would feel obligated to say yes, and it's too much for her. MIL offered to have our DCs and it suits her because she gets to see them without having to see me - suits us both, actually....

I don't expect any help. They help out in holidays and the occasional babysitting duty. I certainly wouldn't expect them to give up work if they were working.
I prefer paying for a service. I know someone who used to moan about her MIL who was providing free full time childcare, eg complaining about the children's nap times etc. Quite ungrateful.
I prefer to pay for a service, whether it's babysitting, child care, residential care, handyman. Some members of my family are always doing each other favours but then moaning about each other at the same time - I'd rather just pay for a service and save the politics.

My DM and DMIL have each done one day of childcare each week with all my 3 DC (DCs have gone to nursery/preschool the other 2 days a week) and I work 4 days a week termtime only, so in effect there are only 39 weeks of the year for them to cover. With holidays/illness or whatever I have the flexibility of asking the other to cover or booking extra nursery day.
I'm lucky enough to have my DM & DF living across the road and they are always popping over or helping out, or we drop in to them or my eldest DD walks over to visit and stays for a few hours. My DM will babysit for us once or twice a month too and has 1 child for a sleepover almost every week.
DMIL & DFIL live a 15 min drive away, but won't drive at night which is difficult for babysitting! However they are happy to host 1 child at a time for weekend sleepovers which is great.
In the future, DH and I have always said we will make ourselves available at weekends to babysit for our GCs - at least once a month (though if they all have children that could end up with 3 out of 4 of our weekends taken up babysitting!)

I would never ever expect help with childcare or rely on parents offering. As it happens my parents did offer and I took them up on it. However, I felt guilty at the amount of time they had DS when I went back to work so I ended up putting him in nursery one day a week to give them a bit of a break.

Now I have DD as well and I'm a SAHM so they rarely have either of them on their own. I occasionally ask them to look after them if I have a doctors appointment or something but thats about it. Again I don't expect them to drop everything to help me out so if they already have plans that's fine and I will reschedule my appointment.

I would never ever expect a gp to help out with childcare, it is so entitled and bloody cheeky. My child, my responsibility. If they want to help out, that's entirely up to them and I'd be very grateful.

To expect it from parents who are still working FT is a pisstake.

I didn't expect any. Both sets of parents live a way away and were into their 70s when they became grandparents. They are in good health but definitely not up to looking after DC regularly.

We have DC 2 and 4 and TBH it's floored me how hard it is when there's no one other than me and DH. I didn't realise how many friends had parents round the corner, young and energetic enough to help out with their young kids, and even those who live miles away will happily stay and look after the kids quite a lot. I'm quite jealous! It seems to make a big difference in terms of time off with your OH or just child free time generally. My parents have stayed with us a lot and helped but only an evening's babysitting here and there and they have only once had the DC for a (short) day as they find it too tiring. They wouldn't for example look after them so we could go out for lunch, or do chores around the house. I am looking forward to the stage when we can use paid babysitters so DH and I can go out more together!

It is difficult though and depends on individual health and stage in life. I was talking to my mummy friends who all said they were looking forward to looking after their grandkids in future (we all have 4yo!!). They looked horrified when I said I didn't know if I would - the reason being I am 40 now and probably working til my mid sixties, so unless my DC had their children young, I'd be pretty worn out by then!

Many many friends have GP help with childcare - but it was all offered very enthusiastically, so I hope it's not common what you describe OP!

MIL does not work and we asked her if she wanted to look after our baby whilst I went back to work on a very part-time basis (1-3 hours every other day kind of thing). This was paid (more than nursery/childminder per hour but less than a nanny). Sadly, it didn't work out and we moved DD to nursery. MIL clearly didn't really want to do it and showed that by being difficult/breaking things rather than actually saying...
We now only every ask for help very occasionally - babysit every 6 months kind of thing. We have learnt that they would rather do the grandparenting whilst we are around...and feeding them!
No one of my side to expect/ask anything from.
I very much hope I will want/be able to help with childcare more if I become a grandparent.
No, I definitely wouldn't expect a grandparent who works to help with childcare. If not working, live close by and able then...I can see how a little help might be expected but only because I would expect them to want to.

My DD absolutely didn't expect me to do any childcare, but I was happy to offer two days a week. I had just retired at the time, and was pleased to be able to play such a big part in my DGD's life.

I'm expecting my first, my mum has made it clear she wants to help out. She works pt at the moment and is taking early retirement in the next couple of months. Despite the fact that she will no longer be working I've only asked for 1 day a week childcare - would never have expected anything except maybe occasional babysitting if she hadnt offered.

I'm in the seemingly unusual position that I sometimes have to turn GP down for time spent with DC!
My parents help out every day by picking my 2 DC up from school (30 mins between school end and me getting home from work). They often push for overnights some weekends which is fine but as they also go to their dad EOW and his parents also want to see them regularly - I have to say no sometimes so that I actually get to spend time with them on a weekend!

I am very lucky, I don't struggle for babysitters and there's always a GP or their dad willing and happy to look after them.

Never expected anything and, 10 years in and with three DC, have only ever been offered help once (on DH's 40th birthday).

But I am still deeply hurt that when my parents chose to move house and area a few months ago they chose to settle a couple of miles from my child free DB and his girlfriend, and an hour and a half away from us.

Part of me feels that the DGC and I are terribly rejected, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. Childcare is a crippling expense, and I work 4 days a week and am eternally exhausted. I'd love some help.