To ask how much childcare you expect

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

It was offered to us. I'm sorry but you should have "some" idea of who would look after your children before you have them. It's very unreasonable to expect people to live a poorer lifestyle so you can keep yours the same. I lost who was who in the OP but hope you get the gist .

I didn't expect any help but I'm very grateful for the help we've been given. With DD1 it was a day each week for my Mum and MIL, with DD2 it's less, averaging a day every 3 weeks. It's a massive help to us, they really enjoy spending this time with the DCs. My DM gets offended if I don't ask her, she's moved closer to us to spend more time with them now she's newly separated from DDad.

We get no regular help as all the GP live a long way away. Even if they were on the doorstep I wouldn't expect anything. They have their own lives and responsibilities if it was offered that'd be lovely but I wouldn't expect it. If you have kids and want to work you need to accept that you're going to have childcare costs.

Given that my GP were very hands on, and we lived with them at weekends from the age of about 3, I didn't expect the same from my DM (nor would I want that much childcare!) but I did wonder how much she would offer.

She puts the DC's to bed once a month or less and sits in the house while we go to the cinema, and when I first went back to work she would pick DS up from playgroup at 3 and have him till 4.30 for 3 days a week.

She sometimes takes them to walk the dog because they all enjoy it, so 30 mins here and there on an impromptu basis if she's passing our house.

Tessticklesyourfancy I'm a bit shocked at the level of demand your friend's DiL is making. More than a bit shocked actually. But then, I remember being really shocked at this thread a few weeks ago. It oozes spoilt entitlement.

DM doesn't help me practically with DCs

MissDuke I'm the same, my sister and I worked opposite days and helped each other out when ds1 and my nieces were all of a similar age. It's nice to chip in!

I was rather hoping that my parents or DH's parents would be prepared to do a regular day but my mum made it pretty clear she prefers to be footloose and fancy free. I didn't broach it with MIL as she also enjoys a full schedule of her own. TBH we would have had to move to be close enough to either so it was never a go-er (both are hours away).

Both sets of GPs offer us tremendous 'respite care', they parachute in and take over for days, or gallop off with DS for a week in the summer hols. So although we get clobbered with nursery fees, we do benefit from a good rest every so often for which I am very very grateful.

notinagreatplace very sorry for your loss. All the best for your pregnancy. I'm in a similar position to you (pregnant after several early losses) and it's a wierd old state to be in. X

I don't expect any. My mum lives 300 miles away so not practical anyway, but even if she lived next door I wouldn't expect her to do any childcare. She's done her childrearing and is enjoying her retirement, which is how it should be.

I used 100 per cent professional childcare when mine were young (no parents alive and very few remaining family members, certainly no one near by). It damn near broke me. I have sworn that I will help out as much as I can with my own DC should they have DC of their own. That doesn't mean sacrificing myself on the alter of grandparenthood, but I live locally and I can help because I am healthy and not working myself, then I will.

According to the government's own research, 4 out of 5 working mothers use family/friends primarily (usually mum's mum). That isn't reflected on MN because the demographic on here isn't representative of society as a whole, being (sweeping generalisation alert) generally of a higher socio-economic group and more likely to have moved around in search of those better jobs, away from family.

The truth is that family support for the many working-class women in paid employment was removed, those women would not be able to afford to work (even allowing for the fact that they should only bear 50% of the costs, the truth is that 2x nmw salaries - cost of full-time childcare = deficit).

Historically, most societies combat the childcare issue through unpaid family/community support. Now we have been encouraged to move to find work and women are having to work later in life than ever, the government has a responsibility IMO to subsidise childcare more and to make it more flexible and available. The UK is one of the worst countries in Europe for financial support of childcare.

Neither get or request any as don't live anywhere near family.

I expect zip on an every day basis, but I would expect fit and able grandparents to at least offer to help out in extremis - serious illness, death, labour for subsequent children.

My parents are not in the UK and my MIL does great "respite" care in emergencies but lives 100 miles away.

No I wouldn't expect any regular child care arrangements from grandparents and wouldn't dream of asking. My parents are actually too far away to help, DH's parents are very close but they only help out very occasionally in an emergency (if childminder is ill). If they offered to do something regular I would actually still decline - best to have them there as back up and for evening baby sitting so we can go out occasionally. Looking after small children is bloody hard work - I don't think it's fair to expect anyone to look after young children for nothing.

My mother offered to go part time when I went back two days a week. She was late forties and could afford it. One child, she had him two days.

Then I had a second. And they went to nursery one day, her the other, as two under two was too much for her two days a week.

Then they both went to nursery both days, my hours crept up to four days, and she only helps on most school development days etc.

I have never ever begrudged her amount, whether it's two days or two hours a week, it's not her job to look after my children.

Expect? None.
Gratefully receive? quite a bit!
My in laws have always had a lot to do with my kids as when they were born they were both retired and can both drive whereas my parent both still worked.
My parents were very good in an emergency but not too reliable otherwise, and why should they be?
My in laws decided quite early on they would like to be more involved and so hand been.
My DC still go 2 afternoons a week in the holidays and also ds1 sleeps over on a Friday night (ds2 doesn't)
I'm glad they have such a close relationship but it hasn't been without issues tbh.

Didn't expect help (used nannies) and would not want to offer or be in a position to offer regular childcare as I work full time. Do offer other help and DH has done ad hoc childcare when needed.

Didn't expect, ask for or get offered any help for various reasons. I do envy people who get a bit of help ( we've had one evening out together in 2 years but that's what we signed up for). can't see why anyone would expect it, especially asking you to give up your days at work!

As 2 doctors working shifts - when we decided to start a family we had to do it in conjunction with my parents. This involved us and them uprooting and meeting half way. Not ideal for anyone and we are eternally grateful that they were able to help. Sadly we had no other options. A nanny would not have been affordable - nor feasible as we cannot guarantee what time we would be home / sometimes both working night shifts / require weekend help. Nursery closes at 6 and my parents have helped throughout. This was not an expectation but one of us would have had to change career. I am gradually trying to find solutions to reduce dependency on my parents and have had to take a non clinical job to do this. But it's so hard. The combination of shifts and on calls is not easy when you cannot swap easily into a different pattern or de-conflict Rotas. Hardest 4 years of my life so far and sure school will be even harder.

My DParents live abroad and My DPIls are respectively in a home and deceased. So I expected nothing.

My DCousin on the other hand expected a great deal and her Dparents retired early so they could help look after her children.

[not resentful at all..... oh no]

Asking her mum to drop days at her real job is just rude !! I hope your friend doesn't feel guilty about saying no...it was a very unreasonable request.
Grandparent assistance has to suit the grandparent. Their lifestyle. .health. ..income... and whether they even want to.
They do have a right to their own lives.

DS1 was with a nanny until he went to preschool. Both DM and MiL worked days and that meant they weren't available. With DS2 (5 years later) MiL was working nights and volunteered to care for him in our home after her nightshift was over at 7am until DH got up (worked late shift). I could take DS1 to school on my way to work, she watched DS2 from around 730 - 10:30 when DH woke up. My mum filled in when MiL was ill, but she and my dad liked to travel and doing regular care would have tied them down. I had no problems with this. Once DS2 was old enough for preschool, we no longer needed MiL during the mornings.

Both sets were great about watching them so DH and I could go out or during school holidays. One or the other set was pretty much available and happy to have them whenever we needed them.

I never expected help at all but my DM offered to help when she could.

When I had DD, she still worked and I was a SAHM so she mainly did cover for appts and nights out and the same when DS1 was born. I went to work when he was 2 and by that time my DF had retired so I put him in nursery for 1 day and he had him 1 day. When DS2 was born, my DM retired as she wanted to do more childcare.

I work 2 jobs now and help out with the DC at school and with their hobbies and my DM loves being part of our lives, helping out with the kids etc. I am expecting DC4 and she can't wait. She says they are children for such a short time so she wants to enjoy them while they still want to spend time with her. She says they're her hobby.

It's never expected though. We have an honest relationship and I continually say that if she no longer wants to help then she can just say. They go on a lot of holidays and I find alternative childcare. My DSis helps as I help her too and my PIL don't mind doing ad hoc babysitting when my parents are away.

It all works well and nobody feels put upon or as if they are taking the piss.

Just because families help each other doesn't mean that the DC are exploiting their parents. I hope to be the same type of DM as mine as I think it's nice that families help each other. However, I do find that expecting anything from families and demanding things is incredibly rude.

I didn't expect any childcare and still don't as both our families live too far away. Is your friend's dd going to pay her for the 2 days childcare to compensate for the drop in income? I suspect not and the daughter is very selfish and entitled to expect her dm to do this for free whilst she keeps all of her salary. Tell your friend to give her daughter the contact details of childcare providers in the area. Entitled madam.

OP I think your examples are at the extreme end of expectations. My MIL was adamant she wasn't going to be doing any childcare but when DD1 came along she happily volunteered to do a morning a fortnight with my DM who's more keen but further away doing the other morning in the fortnight. They've also done babysitting and emergency care when I've been really poorly. Once with D&V and once with flu. I'm lucky but I don't rely on it just in case. Neither works but I certainly wouldn't expect a GP to look after a GC on their day off if they worked full time!

My mum lives 2m away and helps me after swimming lessons every week (1hr) , takes my teens to school on her way to work, looks after them overnight twice a year (hubbies Xmas do and our anniversary for 1 night each ) and then we go out for dinner for my birthday and DH birthday and our "started dating" anniversary. If my mum offered every week then I would say "oooooohhhh a night out would be fab" but I would never ever ever expect my mum to regularly look after my kids. It's hard work and she has done her but when I was growing up so she deserves a break!!!!!!