To ask how much childcare you expect

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

ILs live on the other side of the continent and my own parents are young and will likely be 15-20 years off retirement before we have DCs.

It's lovely if it's offered, but free grandparent childcare is not a right!

My mum will have mine for me if my husband can't get back in time for when I have to leave. It is only for an hour at the most. I work every other Friday and start at 4pm. It's only happened a couple of times since I started.

I don't expect any help but it's nice if it is offered or if I ask on a rare basis.

My sister on the other hand....she has her Dd babysat every time she can.

She even had her baby sat the other day because she was too ill too care for her...yet she was ok to sit in the pub having a pint

It's not a question of feeling entitled or being rude. Wanting or expecting help with your child is a natural and normal desire. It's how generations upon generations of family survived. It's humiliating for a child with parents who are able to help out to be told that golf, shopping, "me time" is more important.

Those grandparents who have decided not to help when they could, had better remember that one day they will be older and will desperately want and need the presence of their children and grandchildren. Unfortunately they might find that their children are ready for their own "me time". It's so sad.

It's not a question of feeling entitled or being rude. Wanting or expecting help with your child is a natural and normal desire. It's how generations upon generations of family survived. It's humiliating for a child with parents who are able to help out to be told that golf, shopping, "me time" is more important.

I have to disagree. The parents and the parents alone choose to have a child. They should be responsible for looking after it and any help offered by grandparents is a bonus, not a 'right'. Also remember that the average age for having the first grandchild is between 48-52. So far from shopping and golfing grandparents of pre-school children are likely to be working full-time and paying off a mortgage, rather than living a life of leisure.

The whole grandparents looked after their grandchildren in the days of yore is a bit of a generalisation too. In the first 100 years of the industrial revolution, people had to be extremely geographically mobile and adults often moved considerable distances from their parents for work. Even if grandparents were in close proximity it wasn't unusual for women to still be having children at the same time as their oldest adult children were having their children, so would be busy tending to their own children rather than their grandchildren.

I don't expect any. When I was a SAHM I was regularly asked to provide unpaid childcare by a brass necked friend who had a home business. I will look after DC of non brass necked friends on occasion but this friend worked through her friends to the point everyone got fed up. She is a real taker in other ways as well.
Around here I see LOADS of grandparents minding small children. You see them at the park, in the town, everywhere. There might be a shortage of nursery places, I don't know.

Our parents help us out in emergencies but as they are over 2 hours away it isn't a regular thing. I appreciate anytime they can help but don't expect it ever

But OneAPecker times have changed.

There have been a lot more women in FT employment up to 65 and beyond since the 1970s. My mum included. There is no way I would have expected her (or my Dad) to give up work to look after DC or use their retirement that way. I watched my mum in particular work her arse off at home and out of the home. If she wants to spend the next 20 years sat on her bum drinking gin, good for her.

And it is also the case that people live differently - moving a lot further for University and work for instance. It is increasingly the case that families live at a distance - mine included.

I have relied on paid childcare: pre school, after school and for time "off" on an evening.

So, yeah, nice if it is freely offered. But the fact that my Mum and Dad help 1-2 times a year will not have any impact on how I try to help them as they get older!

OneAPecker what a lot of tosh. Your parents didn't insist you fuck your husband, nor that you carry a child to term, so you don't get to insist they provide childcare.

My parents haven't had cause to offer, I would have refused if they had. The children see them regularly, and sometimes sleep over, but always as a treat and never with any degree of formality.

For two years we had a 'Friday' rota when I was part time-so my parents, in laws and dh took turns. Due to half terms and holidays it worked out as less than one Friday per month per person. Both sets of GPs are amazing at doing ad hoc or weekend babysitting where necessary for weddings or important work events so no complaints. Ds is now in full time nursery but GPs cover illness when it's an emergency. We're very lucky indeed.

Expected nothing. Was delighted to be offered 2-3 days a week and 1 overnight a month by DM (who retired young). Asked MIL how she'd feel about doing one night of babysitting a sleeping baby (local to her, not to us). She said no, didn't ask again.

Expected none, got none! When dd started school, I was staggered at the amount of help other parents had. One gran caught a bus at 6.30 in the morning from 30 miles away to get kids to school. Others (at least 2 families) uprooted their homes so they could help out.

My dfriend retired at 55 just so she could help with her dgcs. It was an expectation.

Having said that, I'm generally at how mothers are bossed about by their daughters.

My parents live 5 min walk away and don't have the dcon a regular agreed basis and i wouldn't expect them too (although it would've helped when I had 2 in full time nursery)
However they help with the pick ups : drops I can't make because of work and the odd babysitting evening which I prefer - if they had the dc one day a week I wouldn't feel I could ask for anything else
My dm's best friend has been expected to have her grandchild one day a week and then an additional alternative day so it's not an area thing
My mil is too far away but now ds1 is older can have him to stay in the holidays which I feel guilty about but she loves it and has been looking forward to the time he is older for years!!

Me and hubby just did it between us with 2 kids, grandparents offered help here n there - always thankful and appreciated, but we have always been independent, paying all expensive nursery fees ourselves. I climbed up the ladder a bit over the years with working full- time. So between us we can afford nursery fees... Wouldn't dreamt to ask grandparents to go part-time to look after my kids!

My parents are/were overseas when DC were young. My PiL had no inclination to childcare nor I any expectation. Had lovely au pairs in my life without whom I would have had such a hard time. Conversely if I am lucky enough to be a Nanna ever I would like to do 1 day a week child care so I can forge a strong bond and give my DC'S and my DiLs something I never had.

I know my friend was stunned to be asked about the childcare, the subject came up because her daughter had been phoning around nurseries to check availability and cost. It was a case of"it's hardly going to be worth going back to work by the time I've paid for nursery. Can you help instead?"
Mind you, when I was asked by OH dd and her ex and I said no the ex suggested we pay for a day in nursery instead but then he is a real money grabbing twat__

That should be -twat-

Give up! Two strike out fails

We never expected any. I knew my mum wouldn't be able to. She lives miles away and has a number of health issues. My PIL asked if they could see her once a week. We agreed and they told us which day suited them. I worked my two days of childcare round them. However, we knew their chosen day was dependant on what they had on so I check with them every week before making plans and don't get pissed off if they can't have DD. They do it to get quality time with DD not to help us out. If that makes sense.

It's one of those times when you need to have an adult conversation along the lines of 'when the baby gets here, how involved do you want to be?'.

Answer for us was one grandparent weekly (day time, only one child at a time), one fortnightly (evenings once kids safely in bed only), and other two ad hoc for overnights but not a regular commitment. So we worked around that.

I don't expect any but am lucky to have help. I only work one day a week and my DM and my FIL alternate weeks, so they do one day every fortnight, I think that's more than enough!

I got offered some extra days at work but only temporarily and the grandparents kindly offered to help out if I wanted to take the work. It ended up being three days a week for a month and I felt so guilty that they were using up their precious days off looking after my child!

I'm back to one day a week now and still feel bad for leaving DS with grandparents!

I dont expect any, my children were my choice and my responsibility.

The amount in real life and on MN who do is astounding. GPs are deemed selfish and unloving if they don't help. Not just for work bit for covering holidays away, nights out and weekend breaks.

If they say no, they risk their adult children withholding contact etc so are often bullied into it.

None. I pay for chidcare and use my own holidays but I specific chose a 9-5 job.

Though I think it's ok to ask a gp if it's something they want to do. One of our parents has retired so I'm going to ask if they would mind looking after my older two dc for one morning a wk during the school hols as I only work a half day that day. But I'm prepared for a no and will look into other arrangements