To ask how much childcare you expect

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

Pounding how depressing. Basically , the fact that working class women can't afford to work and make themselves better off is obscured by other working class women (their mums) making sacrifices and picking up the slack. So structural inequalities continue to be minimised at the expense of the same social group. If this affected men we'd have had nationally subsidised childcare big time by now.

All that said, it's massively entitled for the women in the OP to expect others to give up work to look after their kids.

I am a GP. I have always been very hands on with my DGD and have looked after her for a least 1 day a week/sleepovers since she was born. (DS split from DGD's mum before her 1st birthday.) Between the age of 7 - 9 DGD was dropped off at ours at 7am 4 days a week. We took her to school, picked her up, gave her tea, did homework and had her in pj's to be collected at 8.45pm. I work full time, DH has more flexible working hours. We were happy to help out but it was a bit much tbh. DGD now has a sibling (2yrs) who is not related to us, but we have been babysitting for sibling as well 2 nights a fortnight and occasional weekends. It is very hard to say no, especially without causing offence. I am trying to reduce it but when I have had to say no before, due to work commitments, their mum has been miffed with me.
I am surprised to read so many people do not even expect any help. I was never asked beforehand, it just sort of happened.

My folks are pretty amazing. They offered to help with childcare and have had one of my children twice a week for nearly four years. I didn't expect it but I sort of do expect both sets of parents to want to be involved and to also want to support their children. My mum is universally adored by all of grandchildren who are as comfortable at her house as they are at their own. That's the way she wanted it. My in laws are good for watching dd for theodd docs appointment but have never offered and i wouldn't dream of asking and they therefore have very different relationships. I see that very much as their choice. Both dp and I work full time

Janecc. I don't have any children so I've never been in the position of hoping for help with childcare. I can only be honest regarding my feelings after being asked to provide weekly childcare on top of a full time job which the first time of being asked would have left me with Sunday free. The second time would have left no free days some weeks and others with part days, after looking at the shift pattern I seem to remember we would have ended up with one weekend in five free. This was looking after two school age one one toddler. Was that being selfish? Personally I don't think so. As for my friend being asked to drop two days at work she can't afford it. I'm not sure about the working class part but maybe that's a time thing. I know I was looked after by my grandma but she lived with us and my dad cared for her until she was 90. My OH dad worked in a mill and his mum stopped at home with the kids and took in bits of work she could do at home, his grandparents worked too. I don't remember any of my friends mums working until I was nearing my teenage years there certainly wo t have been the nursery places as there are now and if there was no family as to help there was no way you could work unless it was evenings or weekends when the dads would be available

When my youngest was born my DM dropped a day at work and offered to have both DC 1 day per week which I gratefully accepted. After 2 months she told me she had been offered the day back and needed the extra cash but also offered to pay for them to go to nursery :) I didn't accept her offer of money and my childminder was happy to have them but about 12 months later we happened to mention it and she told me it was totally exhausting and not as fun as she thought it would be.
She never did take that extra day back :)

I've got a 4 week old, and when I go back to work we don't anticipate any help with childcare. In fairness our parents live a distance away (MIL about an hour, DM 3 hours when she's in the UK) but even if they were in the same town I don't think we'd expect anything- we chose to have our child, and as part of that decision we thought about how we would cope with work and childcare; why would I put upon someone that had no input to that decision? Fair enough if the help is offered, but it's unreasonable to just blithely expect it!

Incidentally neither DM nor DMIL work any more, but I still wouldn't just expect childcare, I think that'd be outrageously presumptuous!

I don't get any help from anyone, as I live in a different country from any gps. My mum was willing and keen to come on holiday with us when the dc were babies so we could have a break, but other than that we have never had any help.

I think it's really sad the attitudes one gets to this though. I love looking after nephews, have sometimes travelled to do so (when sis had to travel for work) and would certainly do it on a regular basis if I was able to (living in same place!). I don't have gc, but I can only imagine that it would be all the more so with them.

You build a meaningful relationship with children through daily interaction, and I feel I am so much closer to my nephews for having looked after them. I will most definitely be offering my dc for help with childcare for their dc if I am physically able to, and I really hope they will take me up on it.

I think emergency cover, ad hoc stuff and a bit of evening babysitting is ok, so long as everyone's happy about it. But long days every week for a few years is too much. It turns from being lovely bonding time to being another hard job. There is no way I would ask a grandparent to loose a day's work so that I could work instead. That is just unthinkable!

I don't expect any. PIL's have never known interest in providing any childcare. My parents have offered to help with ad hoc things but don't want to be committed to any sort of regular arrangement. I think they've maybe had DD 10 times (often only for an hour or two) in the time since she was born 18 months ago. As far as I'm concerned they should be enjoying their retirement not worrying about childcare again. I'm also surprised by how many people I know do expect their parents or their PILS to provide regular free childcare each week. It's a huge ask of someone and I can't believe how many people presume that GPs will do so happily. If they offer - great, if they don't - they probably don't want to.

Expected nothing my folks dead,
Dh live in Spain and are fab when we see them. Even if both sets lived nearby I would only hope for bit of babysitting
I have friend whose parents retired to be full time childminders of pfb gd- totes jelous

none - I know a lot of grandparents who feel expected to and I think that is wrong. if they genuinely want to help then fine but I know of grandparents who are really struggling to cope at 70ish with toddlers, babies, school runs etc and it goes on for years in some cases.

My dad offered one day per week.
I declined his offer as I felt that it was too much for him on top of working 3 days per week. I was happy with the irregular night time/ emergency babysitting my parents did xx

Never expected any not even when I was a single mum to 4DC and I was attending college and working part time.

I re married and we now have 5DC,2 of our DC are disabled and autistic and I became seriouslly ill and disabled within a year of us having our youngest and we still don't expect any help.

I made the choice to become a Mum and my DH made the choice to become a Dad so we've never expected any help.
We will help out when we can when were Grandparents but that's because we want to.

Would never EXPECT regular childcare. I kind of expected my Mum to offer to help for nights out etc, and she does help often plus she will have the odd day off in summer etc to keep costs of sports club down.

But expecting regular week in, week out care - no.

I live 4 hrs away from my parents. They would love to have my dc regularly (although they find it pretty tiring), but it's not really practical now that we live so far away. When we lived an hour apart they would have them to stay for a couple of days occasionally - not because we expected it, but because they wanted to - and it certainly wasn't 'childcare', it was a little visit for fun.

I learned the hard way that this type of thread on this particular forum is where a lot of people who don't believe in or don't get GP help, to post. Having asked a similar question before I was shocked at how many people were downright nasty about my childcare arrangements. I am very lucky to have my parents doing all of the childcare for my two kids when I work. They're retired and happy to do it. I did expect it and so did they. My parents have always been very much in my life, helping with the house and garden etc before we had kids. My sister doesn't have children and they help her with housework etc, that's just how they are and most of my cousins have a similar relationship with my aunt so it's a family thing maybe.

I'd like to say for the record that luckily both me and my parents agree that they are the best substitute when I'm at work two days a week, and that nursery for under three's is not always the best environment. It's not just a financial decision, I want my parents actively involved in the bringing up of my children, I want their advice and influence on my kids while they're at that precious age and my folks want to spend a lot of time on a day to day basis with them. Family has always been their priority and they'd do anything they can to help me and my sister. So obviously not having to pay for nursery had been a massive help but it's the connection they have with each other and the benefits my kids are having from that tender, one-to-one attention at this key age that makes me feel it's a shame that more grandparents don't get this involved.

I'm sure there'll be negative responses, I'm not interested in an argument, I just wanted to put across another side to the discussion. I can only hope that I do anywhere near as good a job as a mother as my parents did with both bringing me up and helping with grandkids. If I'm around to see my kids have their own, at this stage I'd say I would expect to help them in the same way my parents have.

I'm a granny and have provided childcare part time for all 3dgc. I have booked 5 days off work over Easter to help out. I am lucky I can do this and wouldn't want it any other way. It's hard sometimes but it's my choice. I like to think I have a special bond with dgc. That said it is childcare not a bit of helping out and I rarely babysit in the evenings but my dd's help each other out.

As my DH is in the armed forces we always lived miles away from our families. We dealt with childcare ourselves by me working evenings and weekends so he was around to care for our DS.

I don't think there is any 'right or wrong' answer to this question. Only what works (or doesn't) for the parties involved.

I don't have DGC (yet) but I certainly hope that my son and DiL factor in the cost of childcare before they have a baby. Even DGP that are willing to do full time childcare may suddenly become unable or unwilling to do so and parents need to be able to pay for childcare should the need arise.

I wouldn't want to be relied on for regular workweek childcare. Naturally if there were a problem we'd step in and help until arrangements could be made. And we'd be more than happy to watch any children for nights or weekends out or school holiday help. But DH and I have earned our retirement and are enjoying our travels and being fancy-free.

When my DC were born both PIL and my DF were still working (with at least 10 years to retirement) only my DM was at home, she made it quite clear that she would not be my regular childcare, so I arranged a nanny share. My mum was great for emergency cover and doing fun things with her all her DGC and still is. DF came into his own when he retired and took up being 'Grandad's Taxi' for his older DGC. PIL liked to see the DGC at weekends and would do sleepovers so we got a social life. I was a win-win situation all round. My DP are still involved at the same level as there are quite a few DGC around.

PIL are SIL main childcare this was definitely an expectation and as they are both 70+ quite an undertaking with 2 under 5 including overnights, as both SIL & BIL work shifts and unsociable hours 7 days per week. But DH & I have decided to keep out of it.

We didn't expect or get "regular" child care from GPs. All 4 were still working ft when ds was born 12 years ago. However my dps have had the dcs for approx 3 nights a year since they were a few months old and are great for the odd inset day and a few nights in the summer. MiIL is not keen on little ones but has had them maybe 4 or 5 times in total. When my dsis had her babies dm had retired so was more able to do the whole 7:30am thing. Now dsis has had number 2 they are older and a bit less keen, which has caused a few issues.

For us there was no child care - no grandparents on my side. In laws still working. Yet we had seen mil would dropping everything - including her work to look after her other sons kids.
Mils "party piece" whenever there was an extended family get together would be to tell us loudly and frequently that we only had to ask and she would babysit for us. The assorted relatives would then tell us how wonderful she was. They had no idea that she was never available if we asked (so we stopped asking).

For the past 5 years MIL has done a day a week childcare for SIL and BIL.

It absolutely boils my piss.

FIL was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease, and the whole family has been waiting for BIL to release his mum from the childcare commitment to care for her husband. Nothing.

There are 6 other grandchildren in the family and none of the rest of us dare ask MIL to babysit for an evening as she does so much already.

Their selfishness has caused such huge resentment between the adult children. Pay for your childcare or stay at home.

I would never expect childcare to be given each week. I feel guilty if I ask my Mum to babysit around 5 evenings a year! My mil I usually only ask in an emergency i.e if one of my children ends up in hospital. I would love to be given more childcare and think that those who are given the childcare shouldnt taken it for granted.