To ask how much childcare you expect

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

My mother, as soon as I became (unexpectedly) pregnant at the grand old age of 41, proclaimed loudly "well, I'M not looking after it!" As if I'd ask!

Naturally, she expected to see dd every week without fail (we lived 150 miles away).

She died when dd was two. DD has grown up without Dgps and, so far, is not remotely bothered. She's never shown any interest at all in them, although I'm sad for her that she has very little extended family.

We're moving in with my parents this year so we can save for a house, and I'm not expecting any childcare!

What my parents offer is gratefully accepted but I don't have any expectations.

We've never expected any childcare although my ILs have helped out on the odd emergency when they were already free and have offered to have him for various things because they wanted to spend time with him, my dad & his gf have also had DS for 2 separate nights (in 8 years) but they offered up front and my mum can't be trusted to look after herself let alone DS so has had him for a grand total of 20mins.
We have asked MIL if she was able to help out a bit when no.2 arrives in a few weeks but that's mainly because we live rurally and I won't be able to drive DS to school after my section - would have made other arrangements if it hadn't been easy for her to do (or she had other plans)
When DS was younger we put him in nursery and then after school club, we also have other arrangements such as babysitters in place - our child, our responsibility.

I don't expect any.

My DM works full time but has a late start one day a week, and will quite often look after DS if DH is on nights so he can get some sleep and then pick him up, to save us paying for nursery. Sometimes she can't, so DS goes to nursery instead.

DM also sometimes has DS on a Friday night so we can have a break. It's lovely and it only happens when we both want it to.

Don't expect any, which is good as that is exactly how much I get.
For all the downsides of being the black sheep of my family, at least I know where I stand with this kind of thing.

I am a sahm, I do college one day a week and work weekends- my pil, before I took the job, agreed to really help us out on a Saturday (FIL is retired), they haven't been here for weeks and weeks. Had they just said no sorry we can't help, I wouldn't have taken that job.

By I also really really wish they would come and see the DC's, yes to give me the afternoon off once a week or fortnight, so that I can get some housework done, but because DD's are still only small and wonder where their nana and grandad are. They live 20 minutes away by car. Oh both SIL drive too, and live at home, and have no DC's of their own (one is 21 one is 26/27) and neither of them bother either.

It is pretty tough when you've zero help - I'm pregnant with #2 and have to reschedule my midwives appt cos DH is at work and there's no one to mind DS for the hour it'd take.

I imagine others would just drop him off to a grandparent for an hour. I'm a bit jealous of that, if I'm honest. Never mind regular childcare, it's that sort of ad hoc stuff that's difficult at times when there's only two of you.

You live in fear of having to go into hospital as DH won't be able to be with you, that sort of thing. I'm already worried about childcare for DS when I give birth. I do envy people who have grandparents who'll be there in an emergency.

It's also the reason we're stopping at 2. It'd be incredibly stressful to have more when you've no one to come to the rescue.

This thread has made me feel slightly better...round here I feel like the only person at the school gates/ out of my friendship group that gets no help with childcare.

A lot of grandparents seem to do every school pick up, afternoons, mind younger kids during the morning, do overnight stays etc.

I have no grandparents who are able/willing to do weekday childcare and wouldn't really expect it anyway.
I juggle my working hours as I can't afford full time child care, so I can be there for school runs etc but then end up working afternoons/evenings/weekends.

Yet I have been on the receiving end of comments such as "well for some getting to put your feet up all day" or "I bet you love daytime tv". From the same people who admit that they wouldn't be able to work as much if they didn't have the grandparents helping out 3-5 days a week.

Makes me feel like shit sometimes when I know I shouldn't!. Yes I am lucky that I can be there for for any school-related activities, but I don't feel lucky when I end up working until midnight to scrape by! Also I get pangs of sadness when I see how involved some grandparents are.

It's interesting that no one has come out and said they expect their parents to look after their children. Are all these people hiding? Or do they just not come on this site?

tidy if there's one thing that's made me bitter and twisted she dd was younger it was seeing the amount of free help that others had, and then being accused of "putting my feet up all day". .

I'm just pleased both sets have been keen to be involved and help out when they can. When ds1 was born both worked so just took him the odd weekend which was great. When ds2 was born (big gap) they were both newly retired (both under 60) and were delighted to have him one day each. They live their one to one time with him and are reminded often that they can opt out at any point. They have both stated several times they are going to miss their days with him when he starts school.

I'd like to think and hope I'd be in a position to offer some help to my children when they have their children. I'm glad I have a close and supportive network.

Y mil talks about how hard it was for them when their kids were young and they had no support. They worked back to back, sometimes swapping kids over on the bus! She's always said this is why she's happy to do what they can. When the kids were older the paternal gm looked after them after school and was paid for it.

We could do it without help, and are quite prepared to, but it's nice to know they get loved and spoilt by their GPS on a regular basis!

absolutely yes I can relate to the bitterness, I have ranted to DH many a time!

There is one woman in particular I now try and avoid because every time I see her she makes sarky comments about me having a lovely day off?!? Don't know what her problem is, but I don't even bother explaining that I do actually work, just not traditional hours. Why do I feel like I have to justify myself?!

Also have known many people who get a hot meal made for them by the grandparents in the evening, and even help with washing and ironing if they are feeling particularly tired. Maybe am just mega jealous!

None. Hundreds of miles from family. We both worked full time so just had to pay full time childcare for three under 5s. It's difficult but pays off in the end. I couldn't look after my grandchild either as I work full time and support the children who are at home.

Also I am surrounded by women forced culturally to move in with the husband's parents on marriage (Indian etc tradition) and I can promise you a lot of those hate it - the mother in law is in a sense in charge and you kow two to her. It is not a bed of roses to live with extended family. A hot meal is no compensation for many of the downsides.

My DM would have offered to help but she lived 2 hours away and died two years ago. My DF has minimal interest and PiL are too elderly to ask.

I've done the smear test palaver with children in the buggy behind the curtain and numerous doctors appointments, haircuts etc.

I am a SAHM and now both of mine at school I've started looking for jobs but we have one child with autism and its proving very difficult to get after school care that would work for her. It would have been wonderful to go to work (I loved my job and could have gone back) knowing that she was happy with a grandparent.

I am jealous of those parents with grandparents that can do some childcare, it would have made the last few years so much easier. And having lost a fair few family members in the last few years there is so much value in having an extended and involved family (but only if they are willing).

SIL gets her washing and ironing done by her mother cos she works full time & has two kids. I think that's totally pulling the piss tbh. Anyone can set the washer dryer to run during the night, FFS!

I don't have time to iron, so guess what? I just don't flipping do it! You just hang shirts up to dry and they're fine. "Mam likes doing it" You're 35 years old! Aaaaaahhh!

I don't expect any. Obviously if GPs are retired or working part-time and offer then that would be great as the cheapest option for childcare here is £1k per month.

We're TTC and I've budgeted for the full £1k while secretly hoping that DP's parents will offer to have DC one day a week.

However I would never ask or expect...I'll likely have a conversation with them about the cost, etc and they either offer or don't. I won't be annoyed with them if they don't offer...after all they've raised their DC and worked full time their whole lives and may want a break and a quiet life which is fair enough!

I'm always very at anyone who expects the GP to do childcare beyond perhaps the odd evening babysitting.

That being said I've told my DM that she will be having the DC for one or two weeks during school holidays but that's because I know she's desperate to spend time with them and for her it will be a treat...they're not even born yet and she can't wait to have them at hers (she lives 200 miles away and is a lecturer so off during the hols).

DP's have offered but they were well into their 70's when I had DC. I'm mostly a SAHP but when I have had temporary work they have helped out for a few hours a week, say 4 to 5 hours one day a week. DM wanted me to go back to work and her have DC full time but that wouldn't work for me. TBH I think she's glad I didn't because DC was a very high maintenance baby and toddler and she would have been exhausted. DM breaks out the gin if she's had her alone for 4 hours so she wouldn't have coped 40 hours a week - which would have led to her being shouty grandma instead of nice grandma.

I know some retired grandparents that do the school and nursery runs (so 4 times a day) and have multiple GC until after 5pm. I suppose I'm envious that they are younger than my parents, and their DC have been able to carry on with their careers without any disruption, but I do wonder what will happen in 5 years time when they get older.

All in all I'm happy with my lot and it works for our family.

I didn't expect any. And i didn't get any.

my PIL have come here to look after the kids twice in the 7 years we've had them. Once for my 40th birthday and then again for a birthday of H's where we stayed with friends in London. That was only a year or so ago but MIL is now in poor health and Fil's driving has deteriorated so much I'm not happy to let my kids get in a car with him, so I can't see us leaving the kids with them again.

My Dad and stepmum flatly refuse to look after the kids at all. not even for 5 minutes. We once stayed with them while going to a wedding. We were allowed to take our daughter (then 2 y/o, I was pregnant with son) to the ceremony and drinks reception, but the B&G requested that all children left by the wedding breakfast. My parents refused to look after my daughter to allow both husband and I to stay for the meal, so he went back to my folks' place with daughter. he then had to come to collect me - with daughter in tow - then he stayed for the evening reception and I drove home and stayed with daughter, who was obviously asleep from 6.30pm. My parents wouldn't even look after their sleeping granddaughter for a couple of hours to allow us both to be at the wedding of a freind I'd known for 20 years. Yup, I'm pretty upset about that one!

expected none. got none.

What I don;'t think some people appreciate though is not only the regular child care so both parents cna work, but the being available to pick children up from school if they are ill, the babysitting for school meetings, the having one child while the other is taken to a party. non of which I have available. (nor the other parent to have the child)

blackeyed: yes, it's not just the regular free stuff, it's the emergencies and one-offs too.

I'm totally at having the ironing done and being fed.

I am at uni and DH works shifts, and we don't 'expect' any help but do get some which we are grateful for. My Mum (retired), MIL (semi-retired) and FIL(retired) have all offered, and we have taken them up as follows:
DM has babysat on about two occasions for a couple of hours when I've had a doctor's appointment or something I haven't wanted to take him to, and she's been available.
MIL has never babysat and will never do so as she is an alcoholic and neither of us trust her.
FIL has babysat for two evenings out, and every week or so will pop over to take DS out to the park for an hour or two to give us some peace.
Otherwise, DS who is 20 months goes to nursery three days a week, DH has a fixed day off on a Monday, I skive/wfh on any Thursdays he's working and I'm at home at weekends. DH's job is changing though in April and his fixed day off will disappear but we can't afford an extra day or nursery, so FIL has offered to help a bit more. In reality this will entail babysitting two afternoons every ten weeks, and being around for two mornings also every ten weeks while DH gets a few hours sleep after a night shift. If it was any more often than that we'd definitely offer to pay him not that he'd take it and tbh I would see it as too tying/ too much work for him given he's in his mid-70s, so we'd have to find a way to pay for proper childcare.

Blackeyed - indeed, its never being able to ask for any help. When I had an accident and was in hospital, then not able to do anything for some time there was no help at all while dh juggled ds and his job. Or when dh then had a nervous breakdown and I needed more surgery.

I never expect any, but have been very lucky that my parents have helped out for 10 years or so now. I also help out my own siblings as I work part time, so I have nieces and nephews regularly on my days off so that my parents can have those days off rather than childminding every single day. Wouldn't cross my mind NOT to help them out.

I have the opposite problem. Last time I was pregnant (ended in a stillbirth), my mother kept talking about how she really wanted to do lots of childcare, even suggested that our child go to school in her town and we just saw them at weekends (!). Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm dreading her bringing this up again.

My mother was a pretty awful mother, in many respects. While I'm sure she'll be a better grandmother, as she has mellowed over the years, I do not think she would be suitable as childcare. She didn't even look after me to the extent that she seemingly wants to do with grandchildren. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her that it's not on the cards.