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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how much childcare you expect

213 replies

Tessticklesyourfancy · 22/03/2016 15:48

Talking with a friend yesterday who's daughter had a baby before Christmas. Apparently her daughter has asked her mum if she can drop two days at work to look after her gd when she goes back to work after maternity leave. My friend was a bit taken aback and said not really as she is on her own and the drop in income wouldeave her much worse off financially. She remembered the problems I had with
My OH daughter about childcare which caused a fall out. At the time I worked Saturday's and had either Tuesday or Wednesday off each week. While on maternity leave OH daughter applied and got a new job, three days a week and her MIL who is a good few years older than me and retired, had offered to have the baby one day a week. I was then expected to do one day as well so they only needed to pay for one day in nursery. To be honest I was [ would you ask someone who worked full time to look after your child on their day off every week?
After OH daughter divorced she met a nice bloke and they had another child. His daughter had some problems at work and applied for a different job last summer but this job though still part time, involved working every Saturday and two Sunday's a month. When I asked how she would manage with childcare, her partners job is shift work including weekends she said that she hoped me and her dad would help out. My OH said no straight off as it would have been some part of most weekends. At least one full two day weekend plus various hours depending on the shifts, if he was on nights it would be down to us and if on early or lates we would have had to cover those hours. I know she was unhappy in her job at the time but it was too bigger ask and we don't regret sayin so. Thankfully they knew deep down it wasn't viable but we were put in the spot. Having just seen another thread about someone not wanting to look after her husbands gd, it got me wondering what some parent expect to be reasonable help?

OP posts:

AngelsWithFilthySouls · 22/03/2016 16:18

We knew that both our Mums would do some childcare as they already did so for others but we still waited for them to offer and it is much appreciated. MIL has DS 1 day per week, DM has him another day, nursery for 2 days and I dropped to 4 days so cover the final weekday. I also have 1 DN after school on my day off so we all pitch in where we can.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 22/03/2016 16:21

Doesn't quite answer the question but my DM works M, T, W one week then T, F the next. The daughter of the lady she works alongside has just had a baby and they've decided between them that my DM can change her hours to the same every week for their childcare purposes. They've arranged nursery around this.

You can guess the answer!

lessthanBeau · 22/03/2016 16:21

Never expected any, but was grateful for everything offered, I always made it clear that their lives and priorities came first and childcare offers were secondary, no one was ever to feel responsible for providing childcare or babysitting, with that in mind my DM and df have enjoyed helping on their own terms and never felt bad if they had to say sorry can't do it this weekend etc... However my bil absolutely expected childcare and baby sitting from the gps even though mil (his mother) is severely disabled and fil is her carer! Simply because his own GPS had looked after him and dh as kids and taken them on holidays etc... Entitled or what! I was when he told me how annoyed he was that the GPS didn't ever just turn up and take dn to the park or anything!

Collaborate · 22/03/2016 16:22

We've always never expected anything, and only asked in the event of emergencies or the very odd weekend or night away without the kids.

Beth2511 · 22/03/2016 16:23

My mum does about 12 hours a week, i know she really struggles so dad and i have agreed we will keep saturdays and use nursery for the other. Mum wobt hear of this as shestoo stubborn to Admit she cant cope so will be making the change once dc2 is here.

The sats are a life saver but we do t expect them and we never ever ask for social baby sitting because of it.

Annarose2014 · 22/03/2016 16:23

Zero. 3 grandparents are dead and the one remaining lives hours away.

However I am in the minority. It seems the only people I know who don't get free childcare are those like me who's parents are either dead or elderly. If your parents are young I.e. 65 or younger, it seems there is a cultural expectation.

With childcare being so expensive it seems grandparents are under enormous pressure to offer to relieve that. Problem is when Child No 2 comes along and the situation is expected to continue. The grandparents can end up spending years and years minding a new generation. Meanwhile they get older and older.

It makes me very uncomfortable.

Blueredballoon · 22/03/2016 16:23

Wouldn't expect any at all- my choice to have children etc etc. My parents are still working anyway but I wouldn't really even want them to do regular, organised childcare- I would pay for that.

It does shock me how many people expect it though! My parents are fantastic, fun and involved grandparents but there's no way they would want to be regular childcare each week.

PoohBearsHole · 22/03/2016 16:23

Expect none and pay for childcare

SIL - expects all to be done by MIL. Doesn't pay for it

That in itself is a whole other thread which I may get around to one day!

Pufflehuff · 22/03/2016 16:27

Don't expect any, don't get any. My mother said she's 'done her time' and sneers at me when I (used to) ask for, say, her to watch the kids so I can have a haircut or Dr appt in peace. Having a smear test with the kids sitting on the other side of the curtain. Great fun. She just says 'look after your own kids, you chose to have them'. Can't imagine her reaction if I asked for five full days!

AliceScarlett · 22/03/2016 16:28

My mum ia retired and MIL doesn't work so I'd ask very nicely if they could have the child one day each, but would not expect it, just hope for it!

EekAWoodlouse · 22/03/2016 16:29

None - both DMIL and DM are dead, and even if still alive former would be 100 miles away and latter on the other side of Europe. We have always paid for all our childcare.

Nice if grandparents volunteer but expecting is rude and I'm always at the number of people who do.

SingingSands · 22/03/2016 16:29

I wouldn't expect any help from parents or PIL. I'd accept if offered, if it was a genuine offer. In any case, both sets of parents live 250 miles away so it made no difference to me. Plus they work, I can't imagine asking them to give up work to be my childminder!

Stories like this make me sad. I know of a couple who foster children and their DIL asked them to give it up because it wasn't fair to her son, whom she perceived to be much more precious and in need of attention. This couple were really torn, between fostering which they loved and had done for 25 years, or not seeing their grandson (as this was the consequence of not 'complying' with DILs wishes).

ForeverLivingMyArse · 22/03/2016 16:30

Expected none but was offered so gratefully accepted!!

Dolly80 · 22/03/2016 16:32

Help from grandparents or other relatives with childcare is a bonus, not a right. IMO it certainly shouldn't be expected.

I'm lucky that my mum helps us enormously whilst I'm at work. Consequently, we rarely ask her to have our daughter at weekends/overnight, as we feel that would be pushing her goodwill too far. We have no practical support from other grandparents as they are overseas.

I regularly remind her that if she wants to stop we can, and will, look into alternatives. I like the dialogue to remain open as I'm conscious she's doing us a massive favour but she has a life too and if she wants to change her mind she should be entitled to without having to justify it to us.

Abbbinob · 22/03/2016 16:33

I just started a new job and my mum is going to have ds about 2 sundays a month, I asked before applying and she is happy to do it but I don't expect it and there are other people who could help too if she is busy, she usually has him over that often anyway.
Although it's a little different as I have my kid sister some weekends too so she gets child free days when she isn't working

MTWTFSS · 22/03/2016 16:34

I would never in a million years ask grandparents for free childcare! Babysitting occasionally for date night is OK :)

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/03/2016 16:40

I would never expect or assume help from parents or in-laws.

When I was pregnant with DD I thought that of course my MIL would love to look after DD full time so I could go back to work (MIL is retired). Thankfully reading threads on MN made me realise what a totally unreasonable thought this was before I actually voiced it to anybody.

honkinghaddock · 22/03/2016 16:42

My parents live 200 miles away, dh's mother died when ds was little and dh's father is disabled - so none.

gabsdot · 22/03/2016 16:42

I don't expect any but I'm lucky in that my parents and PIL have always been willing to babysit.
At the moment I need 3 hours of childcare per week. MIL does 1 hour because she can and it means she get sot have my kids for dinner once a week which she enjoys. I pay a babysitter for the other 2 hours.

Scholes34 · 22/03/2016 16:44

Parents live 100 miles away. They would come and do babysitting for when DH and I had a night out and combined it with a longer stay and have stepped in in emergencies when DC1 was young and I was working full-time.

Meanwhile DB and SIL have had lots of free childcare. They live very close to my parents. No resentment on my part whatsoever - my choice to have moved away from home. As they live so close, they'll be doing a lot of care of my parents when the time comes for that!

Iliketeaagain · 22/03/2016 16:53

My parents help in the school holidays - dd goes to stay for a few days at a time. But that is only because my parents offer as they live far away and absolutely love having her stay.

It's probably reasonable to ask if a grandparent would like to help with child care if they aren't at work, or for ad hoc babysitting if they are nearby and there is no assumption that it is expected.

It's entirely unreasonable to ask a grandparent to take a drop in income to provide free childcare. I can't believe anyone would even think that's an acceptable thing to ask!!

GrumpyMummy123 · 22/03/2016 16:53

As most other people say it's wrong to expect any!

Both DM and MIL have offered to 'do what they can'. They have both looked after DS a few times for nights/ weekends while we go to wedding/ weekend away. They have also done a morning/ afternoon here and there for appointments.

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them to do anything regularly for me to work. They have worked hard all there live and now should be able to enjoy their retirement/ reduced hours without the commitment of having to look after GS. It should never be expected - its a massive commitment and really hard work! They are more than welcome to see him and take him out as much as they like but the convenience should be them not me.

Anyone that takes any free childcare for granted is being extremely selfish.

Muskateersmummy · 22/03/2016 16:58

I never expected any help although it was always very clear from DM she would happily help out. Dmil was asked if she would like to (in the interest of being fair to both grandparents) and she did for a while but has since needed extra hours at work so has stopped doing more than some evening babysitting, which is absolutely fine. The other two sets don't do any for varying reasons that's fine. DM is always on hand for covering illness, running late, general can you help out, over night stays, baby sitting at our home, and is frankly a godsend!!

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 22/03/2016 17:13

I never expected any but my mum has always made it clear she wanted and expected to help as it is part of the culture she grew up with and her own mum looked after my siblings and I so my mum could work. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant and, as long as everything goes well, I will be paying my mum to look after baby when I return to work. I would rather she have the money and I know our child will be liked after by someone I trust.

Brummiegirl15 · 22/03/2016 17:21

I'm the only person in my circle of friends who doesn't have childcare from my parents. One friend even said "what you are going to pay for all week at nursery?"

Er, yes

However the ad hoc stuff my Mum & Dad have done I think is actually far more valuable and I don't feel like I'm taking the piss as its only been a couple of times. If my parents were already doing childcare I would feel like I couldn't ask for help when I really need it

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