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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 22:37

It all seems a bit "hidden in plain view" to me.....

If your instinct is telling you that something is wrong, then go with it. After 18 years together you will know better than anyone whether he is acting oddly or not. It could well be that nothing is going on at the moment, but it has the potential to turn into something serious very quickly. He is already excluding you from this friendship, thats not a good sign.

GingerIvy · 20/03/2016 22:38

A question, if I may. What was he wearing? Just the cycling clothing? Or was he wearing regular clothing when he left, bringing "cycling stuff" with him? Curious.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/03/2016 22:38

He didn't at any point say, 'fancy coming?'!!

Blimey.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 22:45

Good call about the clothing GInger Most serious cyclists are MAMILs and those outfits are not exactly "strolling in the country and a pub lunch" type clothes. So either he didnt go dressed for cycling or he had other clothes stashed in the car.

This STINKS, and taking the car is especially whiffy if they are both fairly local to each other.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2016 22:48

Hmm, I don't like your last update. I was all set to say if they're just enjoying cycling together, and you don't enjoy cycling, then fair enough - BUT if they didn't even go cycling, but he STILL chose to spend the time with her walking and having lunch then that's rather shit.

I have a number of male friends who are purely platonic; we are sure of this, as we have all been single at the same time and have never wanted to take our friendships any further. DH would be fine with me seeing them, as he knows them because he's met them - it has always been important to me that my husband knows my friends too - and he wouldn't think anything of it, if I were in your DH's situation.
BUT - you haven't met this woman. They've been friends for a year, yet you are not included. This in itself isn't such a big thing, if they only meet up to cycle; but this wasn't just that, was it.

For e.g. - you could have driven him to wherever they were starting their cycle ride, then driven to the pub (or wherever) for lunch and met them there. DH would still have got his cycle ride with his friend, but you would have met said friend and been included in the social aspect.

Net result - I'd be suspicious now.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 20/03/2016 22:53

WTF? He didn't even end up cycling - just literally went out with another woman.

Bloody hell OP. So sorry, that sounds bad.

Bin85 · 20/03/2016 22:56

Presumably she knows he's married?
I would make sure you meet her so you can be introduced. - " This is my wife" or " Hullo , this is my husband"

Bin85 · 20/03/2016 22:57

Any photos or messages on his phone?

DoreenLethal · 20/03/2016 23:09

OP, i think you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Nicest day of the year so far, and your husband is off walking and lunching with another woman. Pull the other one matey, it has bells on. Ding a ling.

kali110 · 20/03/2016 23:23

Omg only on mn....Grin really? I don't know any of my friends that do not have male friends that they are not allowed to go out with!
I would be seriously pissed off if my dh was annoyed with me for going out with a friend!
ofcourse it's different because it's a female why???
It was a lovely day where i am too.
My dh has spent the day making something for a friend, and then going out on his bike.
Why should he have to invite his wife to introduce them? It's his friend!
I don't know all of my dhs friends, and he still doesn't know all of mine after all these years.
Just because we're together doesn't mean we're glued together!
Are you not allowed seperate hobbies with friends?
Just because the husband has a female friend who the wife doesn't know, he has to be automatically cheating?
I wonder if the op had posted this and it was her who had the hobby and her husband was thinking she was the cheater people would be saying different things.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 23:31

Just because the husband has a female friend who the wife doesn't know, he has to be automatically cheating?

No.

Its because on a lovely sunny day he had arranged to go on a bike ride with a fellow cyclist whose identity and gender was only revealed after the OP asked, it was not volunteered. Who he has had days out and lunches out with before not connected to the cycling. Whose bike just happened to develop a fault that the two of them between them, despite their experience couldnt fix. And then instead of saying "Oh well, another time" they went off to do the very activity the OP likes but rarely gets to do with her husband because he doesnt want to, and stopped off for a pub lunch. All while the OP sat at home on her own, with no access to the car because her DH "needed" it.....to go on a bike ride. (Yes I understand that serious cyclist will go on different routes but my friends DH is a cyclist, he does stages of the Tour de France and the only time he takes the car is when he is going for a weekend away to concentrate on a specific type of terrain, he wouldnt do it for a Sunday training ride.)

Its nothing to do with having female friends, and everything to do with the fact that he is neglecting his relationship with his wife in order to spend time with his friend. Its inappropriate at best and an affair at worst.

PollyPurple · 20/03/2016 23:45

Agree with Bogeyface.

Go with your gut on this OP.

RockUnit · 21/03/2016 00:06

Offer to take the bicycle to Halfords to get the fault checked out?

oneowlgirl · 21/03/2016 00:13

Totally agree with Bogeyface too sadly, Op.

That was well out of order. What did he say when you challenged him on it? How was his reaction?

bearleftmonkeyright · 21/03/2016 06:34

I also feel this is wrong op. If my bike had a fault I would have arranged another time. This I wouldn't like.

SoupDragon · 21/03/2016 07:34

they went off to do the very activity the OP likes but rarely gets to do with her husband because he doesnt want to

I can't find where she said they don't do it because he doesn't want to.

Penfold007 · 21/03/2016 07:45

It's an affair, sorry.

Teaandcakeat8 · 21/03/2016 07:53

If it's not an affair you need to be very careful that's not the way it's heading.

How is your marriage generally?

I bet he's not happy in the marriage, and instead of being a man about it and facing up to his feelings, talking to you and working on them, he's looking for what he's missing elsewhere.

Too many people about like this; either it takes someone else to show them what love should be like or they can't leave one relationship without having another lined up to ease the hurt.

Potatoface2 · 21/03/2016 08:31

if her bike was faulty, why didnt he come home and get your tandem?.....he sounds like hes up to no good and i would be questioning more and say thats the last time he abandons you at the weekend to spend time with another woman!....and taking the car.. (search it!)

waterrat · 21/03/2016 08:47

sorry but the massive wierdness in this is why he didn't immediately call you to invite you for lunch. That is so so far from my marriage I can't even imagine it. Me and my husband like being together, we like our friends but enjoy generally doing things together = and we are in touch about life and know what we are doing.

RonniePickering · 21/03/2016 08:54

Hmmm, I'd smell a stinking rat I'm afraid. Pop his tyres.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2016 09:08

waterrat - I thought that but then remembered that he'd taken the car, so presumably the OP wouldn't have had the wherewithall to get to wherever they were having lunch.

Marynary · 21/03/2016 09:13

It is very suspicious. He either is having an affair in plain sight or it is heading that way. DH cycles a lot and whilst he might go for a quick conciliatory drink with a friend if their bike developed a serious fault which really couldn't be fixed, there would be no walk in the countryside followed by lunch. He would either carry on cycling by himself or go home.

IsmellSwell · 21/03/2016 09:15

they went for a walk in the countryside and had lunch out instead.

He basically went on a date with another woman while his wife was sat at home.
What a prize.

OP Did you ask why, when they realized they couldn't go for a bike ride, they continued to spend the day together?

IsmellSwell · 21/03/2016 09:17

Why didn't he just come home if the cycling was off? It means it wasn't so much about the training as them spending time together alone.

Spot on. The cycle ride was secondary. He wanted to spend the day with.
OP, point the above out to him and see what he says.