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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 21:34

Well, he returned and said that her bike had had a fault, so they went for a walk in the countryside and had lunch out instead. I asked straight out if they were anything other than platonic and he said not- he seemed really surprised that I had even considered that they might be up to something. I said it was unfair of him to go out with her, while I sat at home like a spare part. I have some serious thinking to do, and this thread and everyone's repsonses have been very helpful.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 21:38

He's hardly going to say any different is he. What he is doing is not on. I find it really bizarre when all these right on "we can all have friends of the opposite sex' try to tell you that your feelings are ungrounded. He doesn't give a shit basically.

Muskateersmummy · 20/03/2016 21:41

I would suggest telling your dh that you would like to meet this lady. Go with them the next time they are having lunch. If he objects to this, or they look uncomfortable with your presence you have your answer. Equally if it's genuinely platonic, he will have no reason to object to you meeting her.

InisSunset · 20/03/2016 21:43

I'd go berserk if my DH did this. Of course it's worse if it's with a female. What rubbish that it shouldn't matter what sex. Of course it matters. Only on mumsnet have I heard of people who wouldn't be bothered. I don't know anyone in real life who would be acceptable of this.

sonjadog · 20/03/2016 21:46

I was on the "nothing to worry about" side, but that makes it sound more like he has been on a date with her, even if he doesn't see it that way himself. Why didn't he just come home if the cycling was off? It means it wasn't so much about the training as them spending time together alone. I think you need to have a serious chat with him about this.

MrsSparkles · 20/03/2016 21:54

I'm a bit on the fence on this. As others have said, would it have been ok if he was cycling with a male friend? Is that that he was out for a day you could have spent together, or that it was with a woman you didn't know?

My DH has nearly all female friends, some of whom I know very well, others less so. We have kids so I'd be a bit miffed if he went out for a day just for lunch and sightseeing he could have spent with us but not if it was something that I wasn't interested in - if that makes sense.

Maybe he just thought you wouldn't be interested in coming, my DH doesn't always think to tell me who he's out with either. Not sinister - it just doesn't occur to him!

sodabreadjam · 20/03/2016 21:55

So it wasn't about cycling, it was about spending time with this woman - in other words a date.

Time to put your foot down, I think - that is not on. If he can't see the problem, ask him if he would be happy with you going out with a man for the day - and informing him of what's happening by dripfeed.

LovelyFriend · 20/03/2016 21:57

Well, he returned and said that her bike had had a fault, so they went for a walk in the countryside and had lunch out instead.
This makes it sound more like a date.
He didn't say "oh shame about your bike, I still want to get my ride in, see you next time" and cycle off. He changed his cycling plans to spend the day with her walking and going for pub lunch.

And he didn't say "Oh DW would enjoy this, let's collect her and all go walking/lunching together", knowing you were at home without plans.

It doesn't sound right.

Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 21:58

You wouldn't have started a thread then would you MrsSparkles. The OP is obviously smelling a rat, the rat being her partner.

Mumandmummer · 20/03/2016 22:01

That would not be okay with me. Not at all.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/03/2016 22:01

That seems really strange!

Were they meeting up somewhere, to cycle? If so, how did she get there, with a faulty bike?

Or, if not meeting, was he driving to her house first, for them to cycle from her home, returning there afterwards?

Actually, neither of those scenarios really sound okay, now.

In you OP, skinofthericepudding, you said "I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing.". Was the second sentence there you explaining to us who she was, or were you relating what he told you, just a couple of days ago?

Was that the first you'd heard of her?

MrsSparkles · 20/03/2016 22:02

No I wouldn't, but she asked for opinions and that's mine! He might be, he might not be - the proof will be in the pudding and what happens going forward.

I do say a huge well done to the OP for being so upfront about it, and if she's uncomfortable with it that's all that matters. They talk, hopefully it turns out to be nothing and either they all become friends or he stops going to meet her one on one.

Ringadingdingdong22 · 20/03/2016 22:07

Bloody hell I'd be raging. That's the kind of day you have with your wife /girlfriend when you're in a relationship. From reading the relationship threads I'm always amazed at the amount of men who have affairs in plain sight I.e. 'I'm not having an affair darling, I've told you all about my friend, when we meet up, what we get up to. Would I really do that if we were having an affair? We're just friends'.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2016 22:07

I said it was unfair of him to go out with her, while I sat at home like a spare part.

And he said...?

Inertia · 20/03/2016 22:09

If it were all about the cycling they'd have figured out a way to fix the fault, or rearrange. My DH cycles, and if his cycling buddy wasn't able to cycle that day DH would go for a ride on his own. He also cycles there without needing the car.

To be brutally honest, it sounds more like an excuse to make sure he had the car for the day trip (and possibly to make sure they were far enough from home to be unlikely to bump into people they know?)

RiverTam · 20/03/2016 22:09

You sound very needy if your DP spending a Sunday with anyone other than you leaves you feeling like a 'spare part'. Don't you have any resources of your own? Would you never contemplate spending the day with a chum without him?

FWIW most of DH's friends are female. He went out for dinner with one on Friday, and is planning to see another at her new place in the countryside after work one day. That she lives in with her DH and 3 DC. If I banned him from doing this he would barely leave the house, which frankly would be annoying as shit.

squoosh · 20/03/2016 22:13

Pft.

She doesn't sound 'very needy'. She sounds suspicious. Which isn't too crazy an emotion when you consider her husband spent his Sunday walking and lunching with a woman she's yet to meet.

LovelyFriend · 20/03/2016 22:20

Perhaps the op H's friend doesn't have a DH and 3 kids. ( I'll put money on her not having either).

Ringadingdingdong22 · 20/03/2016 22:24

It's not bloody needy. If she had met this woman before and knew all about her, and he'd said 'Skin, you know what's her face from work? She's text me about meeting going for a ride on Sunday. We haven't got any plans have we?'. We'll that's a totally different scenario. He's not been up front about meeting her. I'd put money on the plan always being going out for lunch. There never was going to be a bike ride.

Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 22:28

Needy? The OP's partner went out for the day with another woman for christ sake! I'd brake the bastards bike when he got home.

GingerIvy · 20/03/2016 22:29

Well, he returned and said that her bike had had a fault, so they went for a walk in the countryside and had lunch out instead.

If they met to cycle and a bicycle was not functioning, the outing should have been cancelled, right? Because they only were there to cycle.

But it wasn't cancelled. They still went out. On a date. Because it appears the outing was not to cycle, but to spend time together.

Itisbetternow · 20/03/2016 22:31

If he is a keen cyclist and from the sounds of it regularly rides with a club I'm sure he is quite capable of fixing a "fault" on a bike! I've ridden with clubs it is mainly men and it is hard core and fast. Going for a bike ride with a female friend is very different. I'm happy for my partners to have female friends but I don't like this situation. Why didn't he ring his wife and say x's bike has a fault so we are not cycling. Would you like me to come and get you and we can all go for a walk and lunch on a Sunday afternoon. I bet she is single.

Floggingmolly · 20/03/2016 22:33

Very odd. If he'd planned a bike ride with a male friend, I doubt they'd have decided to go tip toeing through the tulips instead because the bike wasn't working.
Don't get why he took the car, either. There was no official starting point to their jaunt, so why not just cycle to a central meeting point? Confused

RaspberryOverload · 20/03/2016 22:33

I think I agree with GingerIvy, it does sound rather like a date.

austounding · 20/03/2016 22:36

Well, he returned and said that her bike had had a fault, so they went for a walk in the countryside and had lunch out instead.

Well, this is a different kettle of fish. As per my prev post, if cycling was his motive, spending the day with her would have been completely normal. But clearly cycling isn't his motive, is it....

I don't know your husband, of course, but I would be extremely suspicious of this.

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