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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:

oldlaundbooth · 20/03/2016 17:28

Why does he even need a cycling buddy? Why doesn't he just go on his own?

And lunch and sightseeing? Give me a break.

Why don't you make a nice male friend to go do hot yoga with, and then some lunch and sightseeing? See what DP says.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 17:29

Why does he even need a cycling buddy? Why doesn't he just go on his own?

WTF?

oldlaundbooth · 20/03/2016 17:30

Cycling in a group is totally different.

Also, tell him next time that you'll go along with them.

You've suddenly developed a keen interest in cycling.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/03/2016 17:31

I hope it is innocent, OP, but still talk to him about your feelings.

I'm not allowed to meet up with my ex that I want to be friends with but I understand it even if I don't like it.

oldlaundbooth · 20/03/2016 17:41

Sorry onlylovers guess that's just me, if I go cycling with someone either I can't keep up or they can't keep up with me!

oneowlgirl · 20/03/2016 17:51

I trust my DH completely Op but I wouldn't like this at all & would stop it from happening. Cycling might be one thing but lunch & sight seeing would be a step too far for me, especially if I'd never met the friend.

Hope it is truly innocent. Good luck Op.

KidLorneRoll · 20/03/2016 17:54

I can't see how you can trust someone completely but say you wouldn't let your oh go out with another woman. That is inherently saying you don't trust him.

Men and women can be friends and do things together without wanting to jump in bed, and to suggest otherwise I think is doing people a massive disservice and , frankly, insulting towards those men you are all keeping on leashes simply because of your insecurities.

Somebody who is having an affair is going to be hiding it, not telling their partner about it freely.

kali110 · 20/03/2016 17:55

I think yabu. If it was a male would you even be bothered?
My dh husband goes for a drink once a week as it's not my thing and some of the group are girls!
It was one of their birthdays last week, so he went for a few on the weekend instead of his usual night.
They're friends.
I don't know her, she's not my friend. I could have gone, i didn't.
Couldn't be arsed! Not my thing.
I have male friends too, dh only knows one of them really.
He wouldn't be weird me going out with any of them even on our days off.
Yes i have a dh, but i'm still me and i still have my friends.

Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 17:58

Whilst men and women can be friends without jumping into bed. Many think this way then go.... shit! it was happening all along, what a mug Ive been.

KidLorneRoll · 20/03/2016 18:01

Best keep our partners chained up then.

It's healthy to have interests and friends away from a marriage and it's inherently distrustful to restrict each other from doing/seeing those people simply because they have different bits.

KidLorneRoll · 20/03/2016 18:01

Doing those interests :-)

JessicaRuby · 20/03/2016 18:07

On the face of it YABU but as a poster upthread said it depends so much on what your DH is usually like. If it were my DP I would be concerned as he prefers to spend time with me or doing his 'hobby' alone, it would be extremely out of character for him to spend one on one time with a new female friend. So maybe YANBU.

DP's hobby is fishing btw - I know most people on here have mysterious/secret hobbies but his is really dull

TendonQueen · 20/03/2016 18:12

Kid have you never heard of 'hiding in plain sight'? It's good cover for an affair to be open about the fact you're friends and spend time together. Then you're not keeping secrets from your partner which looks suspicious, and you can point out every time they get cross about it that they know very well you're friends and they're being jealous for no reason. Doesn't mean anything dodgy is happening, of course, but it's also no guarantee it isn't.

Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 18:13

The way Im seeing it is the OP has concerns, hence posting.

Keeping partners in chains has absolutely nothing do to with it

PNGirl · 20/03/2016 18:17

I wouldn't like it - not so much the cycling, but the meeting up for lunch regularly and the sightseeing (also, if he's taking the car it does kind of prohibit OP from meeting up with them for lunch and then leaving again). I think partly because we struggle to find time and sometimes the energy to do those things as a couple due to working full time.

Which leads me to say that I also agree with the other people who have said it depends on your particular husband. Mine wouldn't generally disappear on a Sunday with a female friend for lunch, a hobby or a day out, and if he suddenly did after 18 years I would think it was weird. If he works with loads of women that he socialises with and/or is one of those men that is always out and about with different people then I would still say YANBU because you're stuck at home alone without the car!

Marynary · 20/03/2016 18:17

My dh husband goes for a drink once a week as it's not my thing and some of the group are girls!

That is different as he is with a group of people. Would you honestly be happy if you found out he was going out for meals and days out with just one of the girls you had never met?

JessicaRuby · 20/03/2016 18:19

Agree with Vintage - they've been together for 18 years, something about this situation is obviously ringing alarm bells

austounding · 20/03/2016 18:24

If you aren't a cyclist, then YABU on the face off it. As a cyclist myself, agree with PP that your DH has principally made a choice to go cycling for the day without you rather than hang out with a female friend without you. It's not a date, it's a sport.

However, it's weird that they've also done non cycling related activities like sightseeing and lunch without you, and that you've never met her. YANBU if your being miffed is related to these misgivings.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2016 18:26

something about this situation is obviously ringing alarm bells

Like "why would you join MN for this?"

pinkhorse · 20/03/2016 18:52

I am a female cyclist. I spend weekend days out cycling with guys (some are married). I have never thought of those days as anything other than a cycle ride. I'd be a bit offended if their wives thought i would 'steal' them off them as well.
Its very common in cycling. There aren't many female cyclists so would have nobody to ride with if i didn't ride with the guys!

Millymollymoo8 · 20/03/2016 18:56

Good lord! Did I miss the part where they take you to one side and explain getting married means that you can longer have a friend of the opposites sex?

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 19:05

Milly, yes, as did I...

amarmai · 20/03/2016 21:14

yes cycling in a group is not the same as the two of them arranging to spend the sunday together. Op, was it her who suggested your dh pick up her and her bike for the day out?

BuggersMuddle · 20/03/2016 21:26

I am a cyclist. When I'm training, I definitely don't recognise this:

If it's an all day thing there will be stops at little cafes (maybe even a pub or two) along the way. Some of those bike rides go through beautiful countryside. They will be taking regular pit stops in the middle of nowhere, to catch their breath and enjoy the view.

Having said that, I have one and only one non-female cycling buddy I'd also do lunch & sightseeing with. He's an old friend, also a good friend of DP and they would also do things separately where I wasn't interested.

So I guess for me, a cycle-training partner of the opposite sex for weekend warrior riding = not necessarily a problem. A cycle-training partner who I hadn't met and who was also involved in other hobbies, lunch etc. - nope wouldn't be comfortable.

A lot of this I think is gut feel rather than hard and fast rules tbf. DP went on a 3hr cycle with a woman from work who's a bit older than us. She was a cycling newbie and really wanted to do this route and I wasn't available. I had zero problem with this, but then again I've met her and DP was upfront about this. They also do another sport together that I am shit at.

They don't meet for a nice lunch or go out sightseeing. In the event she's having a party or night out DP is invited to, I am invited too. I think that's a big difference as she's not an unknown quantity and nor is my male cycling buddy.

kali110 · 20/03/2016 21:29

milly same here i've been with mine for over 6 years and some of his 'girl friends' are ones he's made since we've been together, as are my male ones.
I didn't realise when you were in a relationship it meant you could no longer have friends of the opposite sex

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