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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 20/03/2016 14:26

Thing is though bearleft you did not set out with the intent of cycling with just two or three of you. You went as part of a cycling group. And that's what strikes me as a bit fishy about this - every time I go out driving on the weekend I have to give way to large bunches of lycra clad middle aged men out on their bikes. It's not like there are any shortage of clubs or blokes who want to go out cycling. In fact in the groups I've seen males usually outnumber females by about 5 to 1.Why therefore does the DH not just join a cycling group if he wants to cycle?

Oh and OP have you tried a normal bicycle rather than a tandem - I'd imagine a tandem to be terrifying? Or another option is to get an electric bike - that way you can keep up with your DH.

sonjadog · 20/03/2016 14:26

I have a couple of friends like this. Occasionally I would go along with them but now you couldn't pay me to. Keen cyclists go on and on and on about cycling. They discuss pulse zones, roundabouts, pedal systems, reminisce about timings they once did. It is the least sexy conversation ever.

I wouldn't worry about them out cycling together at all. I'd just be glad they weren't inflicting it all on me. I'm not sure I would be so happy with the lunch and sightseeing, so I would have a chat about that this evening.

WaitrosePigeon · 20/03/2016 14:28

I wouldn't like it and it wouldn't happen in my house, with either of us.

Pedestriana · 20/03/2016 14:30

I don't see what's wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. The issue here is whether you're being sidelined in favour of someone else.
Both DH and I have at different times gone on outings with OS friends; DH even went to stay with one a couple of years ago, for a few nights. I have no reason to be suspicious, but I think this is maybe what it boils down to.
If you trust your DH all well and good, if not, then that's what needs to be resolved.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/03/2016 15:08

surely this easily resolved by the OP going for a bike ride with her DH?

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 15:08

There as less chance that there is any romantic interest (on either side) if it is an old opposite-sex friend (in our case often 20 to 30 years) than if it is a new one.

I don't understand why and your posts aren't explaining why.

He's investing far too much in his friendship with no regard for your feelings. What a selfish git.

Why is it selfish for someone to spend time with their friends?

OP, do you have friends who you spend time with without your DH?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/03/2016 15:16

It's a lot selfish to announce your plans to spend the day with a friend without discussing it and only after interrogation.

sonjadog · 20/03/2016 15:38

Boney, I don't think this is a "bike ride". I think this sounds more like training. Cyclists who cycle together in clubs are doing is as serious training, not as a pleasant way to see around their local district. So unless the OP is also a good cyclist, then she wouldn't be able to keep up, or her DH would have to cycle much slower than he would like to. Of course going on a ride together can be a lovely thing to do together, but that comes in addition to the training rather than instead.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/03/2016 15:40

Unless he's not just riding the bike. Just saying.

StiickEmUp · 20/03/2016 15:51

I choose to spend the day with male friends all the time.

It doesn't mean 'I 'choose them over DH' because spending my day with him isn't as 'default' as that.

Pinkheart5915 · 20/03/2016 16:21

Men and women can just be friends.
I have male friends, my husband female friends we both meet up with them for lunch or drinks now and then. We have trust in our marriage so it's never been a problem.

Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 16:25

If this was my partner I'd be pretty pissed off too. A new friend that's a woman and he choses to spend "your" quality time with her. It would not be happening!

TwentyCupsOfTea · 20/03/2016 16:29

Stickupem that's exactly right - default setting does not mean with partner Hmm I find the idea that it does strange

IsmellSwell · 20/03/2016 16:47

Are they both back from their bike ride?

It seems like a bit of a couply thing to do. If it's an all day thing there will be stops at little cafes (maybe even a pub or two) along the way. Some of those bike rides go through beautiful countryside. They will be taking regular pit stops in the middle of nowhere, to catch their breath and enjoy the view.

If he'd been part of a group and only she turned up then I could understand, but to spend all day doing the above with her is really not acceptable.
Lots of women wouldn't be happy.

He's taking the piss

amarmai · 20/03/2016 16:51

i'm a cyclist and not sure why cycling makes this different. I wd not like it ,op. Plus him taking the car -is it to carry her and his bikes to an area for cycling? Whose idea was this anyway?

Marynary · 20/03/2016 16:58

There as less chance that there is any romantic interest (on either side) if it is an old opposite-sex friend (in our case often 20 to 30 years) than if it is a new one.

I don't understand why and your posts aren't explaining why.

If two people have know each other for a long time and nothing romantic has ever happened between them then they probably aren't that interested in each other. If they are recent friends then who knows... I don't see why it is so hard to get that.Hmm

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 17:01

I suppose it's more that I really don't see why, if someone meets someone of the opposite sex, the assumption is that by default they might fancy each other.

Ismell, I'm intrigued that you seem to find the idea of 'a pub or two', 'beautiful countryside' and 'enjoying the view' to be a threat to a relationship. Is it OK to go out with an opposite-sex friend as long as you avoid pubs and 'little' cafes (can you safely go to big cafes though?) and only spend time in ugly surroundings or with you backs to any nice views, in case it encourages extramarital sex?

Mumberjack · 20/03/2016 17:02

Have you met her, OP, or ever been invited along? Does your DH talk about her, and in which way (v detailed or no detail at all would ring alarm bells for me)?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/03/2016 17:03

It's a couply thing to do.

Personally I take the, apparently radical point of view, that if you are in a relationship, you only do couply things with someone you are in a couple with, or someone you would definitely never be in a couple with, ie a really old friend who has been in the friends zone for years.

You don't do couply things with someone who you could potentially be in a couple with. That is just dating in plain sight. It is disrespectful. It is asking for trouble.

This policy has worked well for me and DH for 25 years. For those of you who are more "trusting" has that worked okay for you? Genuinely interested.

Marynary · 20/03/2016 17:07

I suppose it's more that I really don't see why, if someone meets someone of the opposite sex, the assumption is that by default they might fancy each other.

It is not a default at all. It is just a stronger possibility if it is a new friend versus an old one. Obviously other things need to be taken into consideration (e.g. whether you have ever met the friend ,whether you have also been invited on the outing) but you asked why old opposite-sex friend would be more okay than a new one so I was specifically answering that question.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 17:07

Tinkly, how does one go about deciding and defining 'couply things'? Is there a law? A guidebook? I'm intrigued, genuinely, about this.

ProphetOfDoom · 20/03/2016 17:12

Cycling in a group is different.

Just the two of them spending the day together. Lunches. Site seeing. This is a date.

YANBU and have every right to be hurt & angry.

TendonQueen · 20/03/2016 17:18

I also didn't see why he needed the car . And I agree that both the couply nature of the day, and the drip feed by which it was revealed, are a bit off.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/03/2016 17:20

Only The definition of "Couply things" is going to vary for everyone isn't it? For me it comes down to "Would I do this on a date?"

My DH has been cycling with a mixed group today. They went to cafes, they probably looked at some nice scenery. I don't consider that activity to resemble a date though.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 17:27

Yes, Tinkly. But this rather contradicts what you said earlier – you seem very confident indeed about handing down your decision on the OP's scenario being a 'couply thing', stating 'It's a couply thing to do' as though it was enshrined somewhere and absolutely beyond debate.

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