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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell people when my son comes home?

177 replies

Onthedowns · 15/03/2016 07:38

My son was born at 35 weeks and is in SCBU for past 2 weeks doing well and hopefully another week or so will be coming home. I was discharged after 3 days so myself and DH been travelling back forth, my DH had also been working to save paternity leave till he comes home. We have a 4 yr dd and she has only been to visit once as she has had terrible cold. It's been extremely stressful emotionally and exhausting. The nurses on unit advised not to tell anyone when we come home so we can spend time as a family before the hoards of visitors arrive. SCBU don't allow visitors just parents and siblings. I want to do this also I feel very protective and obviously having to leave my son has been awful and my dd has suffered also. My DH is struggling slightly with the idea. My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move. ( experience with dd) I just can't have 6,7 people at a time in my house or people just sitting around for hours. The nurse also emphasised DS won't be used to lots of people holding him and dd needs time with him. AIBU in wanting DH to back me up?

OP posts:
Ifailed · 15/03/2016 07:40

YANBU. Tell the sil and mil the hospital have ordered you not to allow any visitors - pass the blame on to them.

Arfarfanarf · 15/03/2016 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megletthesecond · 15/03/2016 07:42

Yanbu. You need quiet time as a family to recover and find your feet. Once you're all home ignore the door and hunker down together Smile.

I had a dreadful experience with visitors post dc1 EMCS and banned everyone for dc2. I can thoroughly recommend it.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/03/2016 07:42

I think you are well within your rights to say you don't want visitors but I'm not sure lying about his discharge is the way to go about it. I imagine it would cause a lot of upset and fallout if worried relatives thought your baby was still in hospital but then Kearny he's actually been discharged but you hadn't told anybody.

Just tell them the nurse has advised you have no visitors for a week due to him still being so young and vulnerable.

Many congratulations and I'm glad your son is heading towards home Flowers

Itscurtainsforyou · 15/03/2016 07:42

We are in a similar situation but I will be telling people we are having no visitors for a while.

If you think people will be rude enough to turn up anyway, by all means don't tell them when you're home.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2016 07:44

No you're not - although I wonder if it's possible to 'manage' the situation by limiting the number of visitors and length of time they stay? If that's not going to be possible - you know them better than any of us - then no, absolutely you should have time to yourselves at the beginning to draw breadth and enjoy some family time.

Many congratulations by the way! Flowers

SirChenjin · 15/03/2016 07:45

Draw breath

canyou · 15/03/2016 07:48

Flowers no URNBU your DH should support you in FOLLOWING HOSPITAL ORDERS
30 yrs ago when new babies were taken home from special care the advice was keep them in one room, at an even temp with only those who care for the baby 24 hrs a day holding them. No out door clothes near the baby and keep the enviornment clean. I did this when Dd born at 28 weeks came home 6 6rs ago yes it upset some people that she lived in our bedroom and sneaky pick ups of the baby set off the angel care alarm 😮 I know people are excited but this is your baby do what is comfortable for you and safest for your baby. Plenty of time in years to come for them to bsbysit

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 15/03/2016 07:48

So your own family will be around but not your DH's?

NoMilkNoSugar · 15/03/2016 07:50

I wish we had done similar, we had forteen visitors on DS's first day and a similar number the second day. DP felt like he didn't have a chance to hold him in that time and i felt wretched after having him to almost myself for three days whilst I was stuck in hospital. Ten years on DP is still resentfull.

Congrats on your baby xx

Fratelli · 15/03/2016 07:51

Yanbu at all. I would do as pp suggested and say hospital have ordered no visitors. Maybe ask them to advise dh that when you pick up ds. It's unfair on your daughter to not have time with her brother. Your inlaws need to understand however hard it is for them, it is a million times harder for you.
Flowers congratulations on your new arrival. I hope he's home very soon Flowers

Fratelli · 15/03/2016 07:53

Also, don't have your own family round either in the interests of being fair and following hospital advice

Lweji · 15/03/2016 07:54

YANBU.

When you do tell people, limit the number and the time they go. Hospital orders.
Make sure people ask you first well in advance too.
As for MIL, I'd rather visit her as it would mean I could leave when I wanted to.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 15/03/2016 08:00

Lying seems very wrong and it sounds like you plan to allow your mum to visit and not his. If my DH did that to me he'd be out the door. Neither grandparent is more important.

Either both can visit or none.

TeenAndTween · 15/03/2016 08:01

If you think about it, you little one isn't even due yet.

You could maybe say one visit all together for 30mins, no holding child, then you and little one retire to bedroom?

RubbleBubble00 · 15/03/2016 08:03

Could u pop in on the way home to show him off for 10mins

Only1scoop · 15/03/2016 08:05

Yanbu

We did a two week ban on visitors because we wanted to.

You have many reasons

Chocolatteaddict1 · 15/03/2016 08:07

YANBU

I would like to say I'd tell the truth that the nurses advised no visitors for a week but I'd probally end up just lying as Dh family would just turn up anyway.

liquidrevolution · 15/03/2016 08:09

YANBU. Your husband needs to put you and your baby first.

I agree that no visitors means no visitors so your family also shouldnt be there even though they are more helpful and less likely to sit around demanding tea.

Your inlaws sound as delightful as mine, what is it with families and new babies ?? Many many congratulations on your newborn. Smile

HPFA · 15/03/2016 08:10

I think you are absolutely right not to have visitors if that's what the SCBU have advised. But I agree that has to mean all visitors, making an exception for your own family but not your DH's would be unreasonable. Why not have a "coming-out" event when you are ready to for visitors -invite your mum and your in-laws- get some cakes from the supermarket -stick up a few balloons -make his first encounter with his grandparents feel special.

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2016 08:11

Is this routine advice from SCBU? I've never heard of it before........

And grandparents are not "lots of people". They are grandparents.

AdoraBell · 15/03/2016 08:12

mumontherun

I read it as the person who doesn't expect to waited on and has been helping out as opposed to the people who last time turned up and sat expecting tea made for them for 6/7 hours a day.

OP do as the hospital has advised and gently encourage DH to do the same. If he won't then he deals with his visitors, and your older child, and the housework etc while you concentrate on the baby.

QuiteLikely5 · 15/03/2016 08:12

Don't lie. Don't have your own family present as that will make you look a bit shady of course it's your life and you can do what you want but I think your husbands family would take offence at your double standards.

coconutpie · 15/03/2016 08:15

Why shouldn't OP have her own family around just to "be fair" to inlaws? OP is still recovering from the physical and emotional aftermath from birth and having her baby in SCBU. It is only natural and normal that she would want her own mum around (who is helpful and supportive) unlike MIL and SIL who just sit on their arse and expect to be waited on. OP, do not listen to people who say that you have to be fair, you do not.

Silvercatowner · 15/03/2016 08:16

If my son's mother in law was given preferential visiting rights over me I would be quite devastated. Is this another stealth 'mother in law of the wife' bashing thread? Its really quite upsetting.

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