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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell people when my son comes home?

177 replies

Onthedowns · 15/03/2016 07:38

My son was born at 35 weeks and is in SCBU for past 2 weeks doing well and hopefully another week or so will be coming home. I was discharged after 3 days so myself and DH been travelling back forth, my DH had also been working to save paternity leave till he comes home. We have a 4 yr dd and she has only been to visit once as she has had terrible cold. It's been extremely stressful emotionally and exhausting. The nurses on unit advised not to tell anyone when we come home so we can spend time as a family before the hoards of visitors arrive. SCBU don't allow visitors just parents and siblings. I want to do this also I feel very protective and obviously having to leave my son has been awful and my dd has suffered also. My DH is struggling slightly with the idea. My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move. ( experience with dd) I just can't have 6,7 people at a time in my house or people just sitting around for hours. The nurse also emphasised DS won't be used to lots of people holding him and dd needs time with him. AIBU in wanting DH to back me up?

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 16/03/2016 02:08

Yanbu. Blame the hospital it's not lying as that's what they've said.
Just a little advice as someone who had prem twins mine struggled to settle when they first came home. I discovered their bedrooms were too quiet and too dark as they'd spent weeks on a noisy SCBU. I put a nightlight and a radio on low and they both settled and slept.
You might know that already but no one at the hospital suggested it.

twopinkkittens · 16/03/2016 02:20

OP use your Facebook to send the message across loud and clear on visits. It doesn't have to be drawn out and long.

'Thank you everyone for your kind and well wishes baby has now been discharged and we are hoping to be home soon. We are very much excited to getting home and getting settled into our routine so please bear with us at this special time and we shall let you all know when we are all ready for visits. It's been a very stressful few weeks and am looking forward to getting my new baby home and focusing on getting his weight up and getting him stronger. Please do not take offence if you are unable to visit until baby reaches his due date - this is only to help ward off any possible infections he could pick up from anyone as advised by staff in the SCBU. Massive thank you to those who have helped me and DH cope over the last few weeks. Catch everyone soon - love new mum xxx

Keep it vague and non direct.

Enjoy your baby they don't stay tiny long xxx Flowers

diddl · 16/03/2016 07:38

"we shall let you all know when we are all ready for visits."

Ils would probably think that this doesn't apply to them.

BoboChic · 16/03/2016 07:40

Tell people that the hospital doctors have told you not to expose your baby to other people for six weeks because of the risks of infection.

BoboChic · 16/03/2016 07:44

The only people to have access rights to a newborn are its parents and they are duty bound to act as gatekeepers to the family, for the health and sanity of them and their DC.

Lovewatchingrainfall · 16/03/2016 07:46

I have been where you are my DD was born at 35 but did have other health conditions and finally came home at 2 months old we were not allowed other visitors so when the day came to take her home we told family we were going home but to allow us the time and space we needed to settle us in. Not only for our DD but for us too at it was all new for us. In the end we had to tell people when they could come over when we were ready and that not more then 2 people at a time this upset people but they understood in the end.

Do what is right for you and your family and sod everyone else.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 16/03/2016 07:51

Thank I definitely feel strongly about it. Nurses have also said the he won't be used to playing pass the parcel! He's only held by myself and DH and nurses where appropriate. They have suggested it will unsettle him. It sounds very pfb but after 3 weeks without our son I think it is fair! I like the idea of Facebook message but sadly don't think in laws would get it!

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 16/03/2016 08:03

Honestly I feel that this is probably becoming a bigger issue in your mind that it will be in practice. That is not to say you are not right to be worried but that reality is rarely as bad as you think. Mil will want to come and visit. She hasn't seen the new baby yet and will want to. But managed correctly (by your husband) that visit doesn't need to be difficult and involve a pass the parcel situation. Choose your time carefully. If he is asleep he's not to be disturbed. He'll wake for a feed, she can have a quick cuddle then, oh I must pop upstairs to feed him now, during which dh can hustle them out the door.

Ime of a premmie, most people are very conscious of potential infections, many people avoided visiting because of coughs and colds, and actually lots didn't want to do pass the parcel with the baby. They expected my dd to be mostly with me.

I know it's scary, stressful and worrying now, but I honestly believe that once you get home, things will quickly feel more normal, more relaxed and you begin to forget you baby is a premmie, they become a baby.

I really hope that you and dh work out a plan that works for you all Flowers

Original poster
Onthedowns · 16/03/2016 08:06

Thanks she has been to visit baby but no touching allowed by grandparents!

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 16/03/2016 08:10

I do still remember those nicu days ... (And the oh so uncomfy chairs!! You'd think they would have more comfortable seats ?! ) ... I also remember that first night being at home. I don't think I slept a wink. Ultimately, do what's right for your family. People will understand, and those that don't well tough. Hopefully mil will be more easy going this time round but if not, put the hosting role firmly on the shoulders of your dh. Your job for now is being mummy.

Marmite75 · 16/03/2016 08:25

YANBU. My twins were born at 33 weeks and spent 2 weeks in NICU. We didn't allow any visitors once we were home (apart from DMwho cooked and cleaned) for about 4 weeks.

Congratulations on you DS.

SingingSands · 16/03/2016 09:03

OP, The hospital have given you very good advice. Perhaps on your homecoming, a Facebook post of your own, showing a lovely photo of little DS coming home but with a caveat that 'on hospital advice we cannot allow visitors for 7/10/14 days' would help? You can pop some photos on in the following days and people can't say they are missing out that much. Your in-laws might come across as tiresome, but they come from a place of concern.
I understand the MIL hogging the baby feeling though, a direct quote from my own MIL when my DS was 3 days old "shall I hold the baby and let you get on with that?" (I had DS cradled in one arm and the laundry bag in the other - perhaps she could have said "sit down with DS, I'll do the laundry"!!)

gotthemoononastick · 16/03/2016 11:05

Singingsands gives very good advice.Congratulations OP,you have come a long way on a hard and emotional road as has the little sibling at home.

Rational thoughts and feelings are nixed by the huge 'protective' instinct.

Remember years ago how my Dd was upset by the residue of her (very lovely) Dmil 's strong French perfume on her Pfb.

I could happily have felled the poor woman by proxy! (ashamed)

Original poster
Onthedowns · 16/03/2016 14:31

Thanks I know it's highly irrational but from personal experience previously I know what is going to happen!! He's hopefully pushing for home this weekend. But as someone has said up thread! Unless you have been in the situation it's extremely hard to comprehend. It's horrendous and I expect when I get home I will be on tenterhooks!! Thank you all for the support which st the moment is most welcome!

OP posts:
middlings · 16/03/2016 14:39

Remember years ago how my Dd was upset by the residue of her (very lovely) Dmil 's strong French perfume on her Pfb.

gotthemoon I remember hating when DD's little head smelled of either of her grandmother's perfumes as a newborn. And my Mum has been wearing the same perfume since I was a child so it's a real comfort smell for me. I remember thinking "now I understand why you mustn't touch a baby hedgehog" as we told at school that if you do, and get your scent on them, their mothers reject them!!

iMogster · 16/03/2016 17:21

I said no visitors for 1 week. The grandparents were calling me at least once a day and putting pressure on. It's a stress I didn't need. Then I had both sets of grandparents over. They passed DS around like pass the parcel and my FIL had a really bad cold and was sneezing everywhere. It wasn't the magical day I had imagined in my head while pregnant!

Keep strong OP. Do what's right for you and lo. x

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/03/2016 17:28

You are absolutely right. The girl opposite is in exactly your situation, and there have been hordes of visitors turning up at her front door; one lot goes out and another lot arrives. She is exhausted.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 16/03/2016 17:38

When visitors do come over, I think it is fairer on them and you not to hint but to say what you need outright.

Warn people in advance you can't do much hosting. Ask people to keep the visits short, and say they might not get to hold the baby, or hold him for long. If people want tea, ask them please to make it.

If specifically asked to do things, SIL and MIL might just step up and be involved in a more positive way. Give them the chance to get it right.

Lalala82 · 16/03/2016 20:55

Good luck with getting your lovely baby home soon, we spent 8 weeks in Scbu and Nicu with our 30weeker last year. Coming home was one of the best and most terrifying moments and we had similar advice from Scbu. I bought a sling (nct caboo as starts at 5lbs) and wore my ds a lot as found it dramatically reduced my anxiety about the whole pass-round-baby that can happen. We did have family and they all had cuddles at times but we are lucky and they were respectful of the difficult time we'd all had/problems premature babies can face.
Imperative you do what feels right for you and your family coming home is special.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 16/03/2016 20:59

Thank you Lalala82 I am thinking if getting a sling. I would give in laws a chance but to be blunt they haven't been much help whilst this is going on and I have pre of when my Dd was born !

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 17/03/2016 13:06

My DS is hopefully coming home tomo!! We are starting to lay down rules xx

OP posts:
MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 17/03/2016 13:15

That's lovely, OP. I really hope everything goes well.

spanky2 · 17/03/2016 13:22

The nurses have told you not to have the world and his wife visiting. You all need some time to get over the stress surrounding his birth. But I'm a mum of boys and would be gutted that the girl's mum got to see the baby. When the nurses said keep it a secret for afew days it's only afew days. Think of that in the space of a whole life time.

spanky2 · 17/03/2016 13:24

Yay to your baby coming home! Not getting broody at all...Grin

blaeberry · 17/03/2016 13:47

I don't think it is just a stereotype that DM are more likely to help than MILs. Women do tend to still be the ones to run the home (I know there are a lot of exceptions) and mums and daughters often have similar ways of doing things or at least have a closer relationship than MIL/DIL (again, I know there are exceptions). This means mums are often a lot more comfortable to get on and help and daughters are also more happy to receive that help. Also, MIL will generally be treated as guests (especially in the early stage of a relationship) where as mums are family.