To not tell people when my son comes home?

[Onthedowns]

My son was born at 35 weeks and is in SCBU for past 2 weeks doing well and hopefully another week or so will be coming home. I was discharged after 3 days so myself and DH been travelling back forth, my DH had also been working to save paternity leave till he comes home. We have a 4 yr dd and she has only been to visit once as she has had terrible cold. It's been extremely stressful emotionally and exhausting. The nurses on unit advised not to tell anyone when we come home so we can spend time as a family before the hoards of visitors arrive. SCBU don't allow visitors just parents and siblings. I want to do this also I feel very protective and obviously having to leave my son has been awful and my dd has suffered also. My DH is struggling slightly with the idea. My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move. ( experience with dd) I just can't have 6,7 people at a time in my house or people just sitting around for hours. The nurse also emphasised DS won't be used to lots of people holding him and dd needs time with him. AIBU in wanting DH to back me up?

But her OWN mother is allowed to come! Which part of this are people not getting? She either is able to receive visitors or she isn't.

The difference is that her OWN mother is not intrusive and her being there is of benefit to the OP and new baby by helping out and not over staying her welcome. The MIL on the other hand is making this all about her and her needs, and if experience is anything to go by won't be of any benefit to the OP or baby, and will actually make things worse by taking up time the OP and her DH needs with new baby to adjust and grow as a family.

You're not getting that this isn't about the grandparents at all, it's about what is best for the OP and her family.

OP you're doing the right thing, stick to your guns - as a pp said you're not able to get this time back and it's important to spend time bonding and adjusting after such a difficult time for both you and the little one.

The point is, she clearly doesn't want loads of people there at once, or for too long, but if she asks her mother to be there to 'manage' that for her then she's automatically contradicting her own argument by having more people present than necessary. Her DH should be capable of telling people that visits need to be quiet and short. It's nothing to do with her mother being 'fair game.'

There's quite a distinction between 'helpful person nipping in to drop off some groceries' and 'self-involved person demanding grandparental rights to hold a new and fragile baby for as long as possible'.

I have friends and relatives who when my first baby was born showed up when invited, offered to make the tea, asked if they could help, had a quick cuddle and didn't stay too long.

I have a few, whom I love dearly, who did the sofa plonk and were fairly impervious to suggestions they should leave after a few hours.

Guess who we wanted around for #2?

When you've just had a baby you are very unsettled and unable to be as assertive or as rational as you would normally be. I think the OP is wise to plan ahead. I can clearly remember weeping with frustration as I was so desperate for my MIL to go. Her voice was grating, I hated her holding my baby who still felt like part of my own body, I didn't want to share any details of the birth, they all seemed too private to share with her. I know it all sounds horrible and I will be a mother of the new father myself one day. When my own mum held the baby I remembered on some level her soothing me, and I felt better and calmer. Some things just aren't rational.

She didn't actually say her mother would be coming, I don't think? She said last time she had a baby her mother did x and the in-laws did y. This is why she's not keen on the in-laws visiting immediately and why if her mum did she would feel differently about it.

Where everybody lives makes a difference too. DIL's mother lives a few minutes' walk away, I live about 40 minutes' drive, so a ten minute visit has a quite different impact on each of us. DIL would feel it was most unfair to invite me for 10 minutes given that I'd have 1.5 hours to travel for it, so they invite me round when they've got an afternoon free (DS makes the tea, I don't think he trusts me in the kitchen!). Her mum can pop round at a couple of minutes' notice, and leave by the same token. Quite different dynamics. Fairness and equality aren't always the same thing.

Our DD was in SCBU for eight weeks with very few visitors allowed and no-one allowed to touch her apart from DH and me. The day she came home, we got flowers, prosecco and an M&S cake, and invited GPs and close friends round for an hour. It was a lovely celebration of her coming home, and meant that we then got peace and quiet to settle in with her ourselves. Might be worth considering.

I think also that you need to be blunt with visitors who might want to hang around for ages expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Tell them at the outsethat they need to book a slot for a visit in advance and also tell them your LO was premature and that you and your LO therefore need lots of peace and quiet with just short visits. If they want tea while they are visiting, tell them to help themselves. If you don't feel up to laying down rules, get your DH to tell them.

Enjoy your DS when he gets home. It will be great!

This is the primary reason I suggested using FB to your advantage though with a closed group for family and friends. It was an eyeopener for me to follow the journey of this very prem child but most people have very little experience of it, nor appreciation for the family involved.
www.facebook.com/scarlettroseh/

as a mother to daughters, I would be devastated if they didn't put the needs of THEIR husbands and children before mine, and would wonder where I went wrong.

^This

Why didn't MIL step up and bring DD to nursery, drop off meals, take your washing?

Op, I've been there. You will not get this time back. First, do what is right for you.

Obviously, DH's feelings matter, too. He likely has a natural human need for his parents to meet his baby. I would offer MIL etc one brief visit, if DH is able to restrict the visit to a previously agreed 15 minutes or half hour - you could bring the baby back upstairs and leave DH to usher them out.

Does MIL have form for taking DD on outings? That could be actually useful, and she would get brief cuddles with the baby on pick-up and drop-off. Depends on her relationship with DD, of course. So much depends on HER ability to be helpful and caring of your family.

My husband bluntly told his oldest friends (who, knowing his mother since primary age themselves, heartily agreed) that he would be happy for my mother to live with us, but his, he wanted to kill after an hour in her company.

There is another thread running at the moment where a woman doesn't feel able to leave her child in her parents' care for an evening because she cannot trust them. If she were saying that about her ILs, there would be an outcry of unfairness.

It isn't MIL bashing if one set have been rude and intrusive and selfish in the past, and someone feels the need to take steps to prevent a recurrence.

I hated her holding my baby who still felt like part of my own body, I didn't want to share any details of the birth, they all seemed too private to share with her. I know it all sounds horrible and I will be a mother of the new father myself one day. When my own mum held the baby I remembered on some level her soothing me, and I felt better and calmer. Some things just aren't rational

Its your DHs baby to and at least you can see its not rational and didnt do anything stupid like bar your MIL from holding the baby.

I think also that you need to be blunt with visitors who might want to hang around for ages expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Tell them at the outset that they need to book a slot for a visit in advance and also tell them your LO was premature and that you and your LO therefore need lots of peace and quiet with just short visits

This is it in a nutshell. Dont lie OP, nothing good will come of that.

Not read entire thread but could you say something like - "coming home from hosp, baby and I need some time alone as advised by hospital. Planning to have a welcome baby home on X date from 2pm - 3pm (or whatever), bring cake!"

just tell them that you are doing a week or so of skin to skin, as recommend by the unit, The NICU and SCUB we were in basically try to get everyone to do this as a family as babies who have had this sort of start have more chance of being abused /neglected because the families haven't had bonding time.

If they don't get why you need to do this, well that is sad for them, but you must not let it influence your decision.

Or, just following on from Hollinhurst's suggestion- don't actually tell people the day when you're coming home (hospital discharge rarely runs to schedule anyway, so you wouldn't want people hanging about waiting), but once you've been back a day or two send a message to close family members about a tea and cake welcome between 2 and 4 pm on x day.

Prime your mum to usher people out politely !

Tippy I'm sure you're not in fact, but you are making yourself sound exactly like the kind of overbearing, domineering, and self centred woman that are the exact ones that blunder all over a new mother, demanding their visiting time. Your posts are rather aggressive and nasty to a woman with a prem baby still in hospital. You might want to take the chip off your shoulder and cool your jets a bit.

I think a key difference is that the OP's mum isn't coming over to see the baby. Her mum is popping in (i.e. briefly) to a) help with laundry b) bring food c) help her granddaughter feel like things are normal d) see her own daughter. The fact that the baby is also there isn't the main draw.

I feel very thankful that my own MIL knows what it's like to have overbearing parents and in laws, so when I had DS and DD, she was brilliant. Supportive of DP and I, and mindful of how tired we were.

TreadSoftlys idea of the general FB family/extended family announcement is the single most workable solution on the thread, making the OP and her DH's priorities about their premature newborn's health very clear to everyone on the same terms, without relying on anyone not fully on board to 'manage' visits, or skulking about concealing the fact that the baby has come out of hospital. And putting the emphasis back where it should be, on the health of a fragile baby.

Congratulations, OP. This must have been a horrific time for you. No wonder you are trying to look ahead to minimize stress.

Mind you, I've had people shriek at me on these newborn/ILs/visits threads before, because clearly I am entirely without humanity - when my son was born (no health issues, CS for me), we banned any visitors (family - including my parents who were first-time grandparents - friends, passing strangers off the street) for three weeks, just because we didn't feel like seeing anyone.

It wouldn't be so bad if Op's husband could tell his parents that that's enough & they need to go & they would.

If Ops mum either doesn't outstay her welcome or would leave when asked then why shouldn't she be allowed round?

Why should she miss out because of the way that Ops ILs are?

However, as OP has put, her husband needs familytime too, which suggests thatno parents will be visiting for a time.

Thank you all for your thoughts! I will be discussing further with DH and the nurse today also mentioned in front of him . I feel very protective and unfortunately like i don't want to share him! I know that sounds unreasonable !

Tippy I'm sure you're not in fact, but you are making yourself sound exactly like the kind of overbearing, domineering, and self centred woman that are the exact ones that blunder all over a new mother, demanding their visiting time. Your posts are rather aggressive and nasty to a woman with a prem baby still in hospital. You might want to take the chip off your shoulder and cool your jets a bit.

This, exactly.

Agree with Janet - tippy, the OP is recovering from birth and her baby is a preemie, stop being so aggressive towards her. She is perfectly entitled to only have HER mother there to help look after HER, not just visit the new baby. What's your problem? Or have you forgotten that the OP is also recovering from this? Just a complete disregard of the mother of the baby, completely selfish.

I'd feel the same op. You've had to cope as a mum without be able to hold your baby. So, go home with baby, drink tea and cuddle. When the time is right invite people over.

As others have said, you won't get this time again.

Congratulations X

I had a 35 weeker who was in for 16 days. I really wouldn't lie about it, it would be devastating to find out you were still worrying about him being in hospital when he was actually home.

GPs and my DSis visited DS in NICU and SCBU but weren't allowed to hold him, only parents, so they all came round the day he got home for a wee cuddle. As hard as it was on DH and i to have a baby in SCBU, they felt the same way and just wanted to see him so I would tend to go with that to be honest.

I hope he gets home soon, it's such a stressful time.

Hi - we did this when we had our DD - she was 32 plus 4 as a result of severe life threatening pr eclampsia

My MIL is extremely overbearing/critical/demanding and I really could not have coped with her coming immediately - it's enormously tiring having a baby in sbcu which people who haven't experienced it cannot fully appreciate plus sometimes a perm birth come as a result of other major health issues

• I needed to put my needs first and I have no regret that I did. Mil also lived a long way away which made it easier to lie to her - but also made it more important she did not come immediately as she would have to come for a minimum 3 night stay - expecting to be entertained non stop. She is one of those that "would live to help" but funnily enough never does.

The issue here is not about playing off grandmas against each other it's about the fact OP has had a fairly traumatic experience and knows from past history that MIL is likely to overstay her welcome if given thechance.

Completely agree MIL should not come - whether you want to / can plausibly lie about the release date or whether your DH should tell a different lie by pretending hospital staff have stated no visitors is up to you

Thanks all chipping away at dh!

Late to this thread, but just wanted to say that grannytomine, you sound like an absolutely wonderful m-in-law

Really hoping none of my dds marry one of Tippytappy's sons.

OP do what is best for you and your very very small baby. The baby and you should be the only considerations for many weeks to come. people who talk about "fairness to grandparents" are nuts. This is about a premie newborn and his mother - nothing else.

My parents and my MIL were so so so good to me after the birth of my first baby - I wouldn't have survived without them. Not one of them had any idea in their heads of "my rights to see my grandchild". they just wanted to help because they loved us.

20 years on, I still think of how they supported us when we needed them. I hope to be that parent/PIL someday.