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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell people when my son comes home?

177 replies

Onthedowns · 15/03/2016 07:38

My son was born at 35 weeks and is in SCBU for past 2 weeks doing well and hopefully another week or so will be coming home. I was discharged after 3 days so myself and DH been travelling back forth, my DH had also been working to save paternity leave till he comes home. We have a 4 yr dd and she has only been to visit once as she has had terrible cold. It's been extremely stressful emotionally and exhausting. The nurses on unit advised not to tell anyone when we come home so we can spend time as a family before the hoards of visitors arrive. SCBU don't allow visitors just parents and siblings. I want to do this also I feel very protective and obviously having to leave my son has been awful and my dd has suffered also. My DH is struggling slightly with the idea. My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move. ( experience with dd) I just can't have 6,7 people at a time in my house or people just sitting around for hours. The nurse also emphasised DS won't be used to lots of people holding him and dd needs time with him. AIBU in wanting DH to back me up?

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 15/03/2016 08:20

Dd was a prem (34weeks) she was in for just under two weeks. The advise for us was different, she was visited by parents and grandparents in nicu, so they also visited when we returned home. Everyone else was asked to wait until nearer her due date. And they understood and came when the time was right.

I wouldn't lie about when baby is discharged. Those lies always catch you out, and feelings get hurt. But be very open and honest, a post on fb if you like to say "very happy to have x coming home today, DS is looking forward to meeting his new friends and family in a few weeks once he is settled in at home." Or just tell the close relatives that your home. Babies aunts and uncles and grandparents if that's what you feel more comfortable with. I also agree that you can't have one set of grandparents visit and not the other. That will cause offence and upset.

Not sure how small DS is but many people didn't want to hold our dd in the beginning because she was prem, and she was so tiny. People are mostly more understanding than you would expect. And you can limit the number of people coming to visit at one time

Congrats op Flowers

OliviaStabler · 15/03/2016 08:22

Sorry to be blunt but your DH needs to grow a backbone and stand up to them. A clear but polite message that you've been advised that family can visit from a set date only. No arguments. Yes they'll be disappointed but you need to concentrate on your own family unit.

ladymariner · 15/03/2016 08:25

As a mother of an only son I really hope that when the time comes, me and my dil's mum would be given equal visiting rights (possibly wishful thinking given some of the awful stuff I read on here!!)

HOWEVER, I would also hope that I would be the same as op's mum in that I would visit for short periods of time to help HER, and hopefully get a little bit of time with dg as well. I think your dh needs to step up and have a quiet word with his family, and let them know that whilst they are welcome to visit, it will only be for a very short time at first. And they will not be being waited on!! I don't think that's unreasonable at all, and if they don't like it then tough.

coconutpie · 15/03/2016 08:26

Silvercatowner - the OP is the one who has just given birth, HER needs come first, not her MIL. You'd really need to just suck it up and put her needs first rather than being "quite devastated". I don't understand why people just have a complete disregard for the woman who has just given birth.

CanYouHearMeNowWhatAboutNow · 15/03/2016 08:34

My son was born at 25 weeks. He came out of hospital when he was 13 weeks old (38 weeks gestation) and we didn't tell anybody for a week. Three years old everyone still believes he came home at 14 weeks not 13.

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2016 08:37

Sorry to be blunt but your DH needs to grow a backbone and stand up to them. A clear but polite message that you've been advised that family can visit from a set date only. No arguments. Yes they'll be disappointed but you need to concentrate on your own family unit."

That won't work. Because that would include both grandmothers.

boredofusername · 15/03/2016 08:37

If my son's mother in law was given preferential visiting rights over me I would be quite devastated

Well maybe you'd be a helpful MIL who'd pop in with a meal, maybe hoover a couple of rooms and leave again? If not and you'd want to sit around for 6 hours and have the best china, then I suggest you reconsider why you'd be devastated. I am also the mum of an only son.

And given that all the MILs on here have given birth themselves, I would have thought that they'd understand why a new mum would want her own mum around at that vulnerable time.

eatyouwithaspoon · 15/03/2016 08:39

Tbh I would keep them all away at the start! When my dc came home from hospital the inlaws desended I was really stressed out, I wish I had put my foot down. I know they meant well but it was just too much particually as the staff had told me we would end up back in hospital with an infection at least once in the 1st year. For what its worth I would gave felt the same if it was my family but more able to ask them not to visit straight away.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/03/2016 08:44

Its really quite upsetting

It's only upsetting if you're self centred enough to want to put your needs above the baby's and his parents.

Congratulations OP. Do what suits you best, after all you can't get this time back later.

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2016 08:45

"after all you can't get this time back later."

Very good point.

Lilipot15 · 15/03/2016 08:46

You just do what you need to do for your little family. Honestly, you have been through a difficult time and your daughter needs time to meet the baby properly.
The in-laws sounds dreadfully inconsiderate. In the grand scheme of things if they can't heed your request to give you a bit of space at this time you and your DH need to be working on boundaries. It's a tiny baby you've had, who will be in your family forever, plenty of time for cuddles with relatives in due course.
And any sensible mother-in-law would be being helpful, not demanding at this time. Sounds like your own mum is right on the mark.
Congratulations and enjoy your new family.

BreatheandFlyAway · 15/03/2016 08:46

Lying seems very wrong and it sounds like you plan to allow your mum to visit and not his. If my DH did that to me he'd be out the door. Neither grandparent is more important. Either both can visit or none.

It's not the school playground with who gets a turn with the ball. The priority is mum dad dd and baby. Not grandparents' rights. So if they're supportive and don't hang around, lovely. It's your choice OP, you're the one who's given birth. Your DH needs to get his act together to protect his family properly at this vulnerable time.

winkygirl · 15/03/2016 08:47

Yes coconutpie I also cannot understand this complete lack of consideration for the needs and feelings of the woman who has just given birth. Mostly they need their own mother but I have read many times on here of women having better relationships with MIL than own mother. Or perhaps it would be a friend, sister etc. I have had two DC and suffered PND which my Mum got me through. She visited for me not for spending lots of extra hours holding the baby. Whoever the woman needs to support her should not be criticised for being there.
MILs will drive their DILs away if they are vocal in insisting they have "rights" to see the baby.

OP I think the suggestion up thread about popping in for 10 mins is a great idea. Whether or not it is on the way home from hospital or another day. Then your in-laws will have seen your baby, they will have to serve you tea or whatever and you can leave when you are ready. Then you can plan bigger longer visits later.

Good luck Smile

shoopshoopsong · 15/03/2016 08:49

YANBU, do what feels right. Even if you tell them he's home you can tell them you need some time alone before they visit. Best of luck

GreatFuckability · 15/03/2016 08:49

her husband has also been through a traumatic time, has he not? maybe HE wants HIS mums support too?

BreatheandFlyAway · 15/03/2016 08:51

If my son's mother in law was given preferential visiting rights over me I would be quite devastated. Is this another stealth 'mother in law of the wife' bashing thread? Its really quite upsetting.

Oh dear. This is the issue in a nutshell. When my first baby was born, the grandparents on both sides were bloody hard work quite frankly. I hope to God I'm more considerate if I have the good fortune to be a dgp.

Tfoot75 · 15/03/2016 08:51

I think it's totally reasonable to want to spend time bonding with your baby, especially after being separated while he's been in scbu. I think refusing mil and sil a visit once he is home might be a bit harsh though, you just need some ground rules agreed with DH, eg they are only to come for half an hour and then perhaps leave you in peace until after his due date? Excluding them will likely just lead to bigger problems down the line and seems unnecessary, and puts your DH in a difficult position when he is having a tough time of it at the moment too.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/03/2016 08:52

her husband has also been through a traumatic time, has he not? maybe HE wants HIS mums support too?

He can go and visit her then can't he.

BreatheandFlyAway · 15/03/2016 08:55

her husband has also been through a traumatic time, has he not? maybe HE wants HIS mums support too?

They've both been through the mill. But only she has carried the baby which means growing another person, complete hormonal changes, physically induced emotions, recovery that takes up to a year and breast feeding which is draining. It's not all about mum's rights or dad's rights, it's about keeping the person who has to nourish and care for the baby well and happy. Dad's job is to protect his family not have his own drama entailing needing his mummy! Grin

GreatFuckability · 15/03/2016 08:58

sexism is alive and well, i see.
I dont have any issue with wanting space after the birth. but if (and we dont know if its actually the case, to be fair to the OP) the plan is for just her mother to visit thats just not fair on her husband. its his baby too, and he is entitled to want his mum to meet his child too.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/03/2016 08:58

I'm in the MIL position here (mother of the father of the baby) and I take my cue from what DIL can cope with. It's not about having equal access to the new toy arrival, it's about whether it is safe for baby and comfortable for its mother to have visitors, and yes, of course there are times when she may be able to face her own mother but not the rest of the horde. It's not about fairness; I'm not in a competition with DIL's mum!

Obviously the rest will be excited about the baby and disappointed they can't see him/her immediately, but its health and your recovery have to come first. If you can manage it, lots of photos and progress reports may help them feel involved rather than fended off.

NNalreadyinuse · 15/03/2016 09:01

It really does piss me off when posters go on about being fair to both sets of grandparents and take no account of what the OP has said, regarding the different way each set of gps behave.

It is not about visiting rights to the new baby, it is about supporting a new mum. It is not at all unreasonable for the OP to want her own mum, post birth, esp if her mum is going to offer practical help and crucially go home after a short visit.

ILs who sit in your house for 6 hours at a time, monopolising your baby and not actually helping you, have only themselves to blame if they are not made welcome!

I would go down the route of saying the hosp have instructed no visitors for the first week. If mil kicks off about your own mum being there then she is an insensitive woman. Surely she should have the sense to understand why a new mum might want her own mum.

LaurieLemons · 15/03/2016 09:02

Yanbu at least have the first day alone with just you guys. My son was full term and I still regret telling everyone I don't think I had any alone time with him until 2 days later.

Here's an idea get your mum to visit at the same time as in the in-laws and have her say something like I better leave you guys to it, I don't want to intrude on any more of your time with DS and hopefully MIL will take the hint?

Muskateersmummy · 15/03/2016 09:03

I agree with tfoot. It's totally understandable that op will want her mum around to help and support, but to say mil can't visit at all. That to me is a bit harsh.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect that the op's mum maybe around more often than mil. Completely that will be what she needs, but you are also a family, so dh wishes should also be considered, he wants his parents to meet the new baby too. I think he needs to be the one that weights on them hand and foot, and he should be asking them to keep the visit short and sweet. But I do believe that one visit even for an hour, really shouldn't be an issue, and if you do not allow them to visit it could be very hurtful.

jacks11 · 15/03/2016 09:04

YANBU

The staff in SCBU will have seen it all before and are suggesting ways for the OP to manage things. Agree lying isn't ideal and could upset others, but I suspect OP does not want to tell everyone because she thinks MIL/SIL will just turn up, demand to see her DS anyway and stay for as long as possible. Lying about their DS's discharge date may be the lesser of 2 evils, unless OP and her DH can be very firm and clear (and refuses to let them stay if they turn up).

OP- you have to put your DS's needs first, and of course your own needs/those your immediate family. You have all been through a tough time, and need some space to process it all. If your DM is supportive and providing practical help- i.e. pops in to pick up and drop off washing/drop off a meal and only stays for a very short time- then I don't see why that should stop. Your DM is providing support at a difficult time, your MIL is not (in fact she has, so far, done exactly the opposite of being helpful and supportive). That is the key difference and why I think that visiting rights do not have to be equal to be fair.

I don't really get the suggestions of "popping in to show him off" or "tell them they can come for a short while". The point is, OP doesn't think it is best for her son, or for her, and wishes to act accordingly. In this circumstance, I really don't see why she has to compromise, as opposed to others acting like grown ups and recognising their excitement over the new baby/their desire to hold their new DGS/DN does not trump everything else.