To not tell people when my son comes home?

[Onthedowns]

My son was born at 35 weeks and is in SCBU for past 2 weeks doing well and hopefully another week or so will be coming home. I was discharged after 3 days so myself and DH been travelling back forth, my DH had also been working to save paternity leave till he comes home. We have a 4 yr dd and she has only been to visit once as she has had terrible cold. It's been extremely stressful emotionally and exhausting. The nurses on unit advised not to tell anyone when we come home so we can spend time as a family before the hoards of visitors arrive. SCBU don't allow visitors just parents and siblings. I want to do this also I feel very protective and obviously having to leave my son has been awful and my dd has suffered also. My DH is struggling slightly with the idea. My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move. ( experience with dd) I just can't have 6,7 people at a time in my house or people just sitting around for hours. The nurse also emphasised DS won't be used to lots of people holding him and dd needs time with him. AIBU in wanting DH to back me up?

It is not sexist for the wife to prioritise seeing her own mum over mil.

When the dh pushes a baby out of his genitals then he gets to prioritise having his mum in the house over his wife's. Until that happens his job is to support the person who may be in pain, learning to bf, and at risk of post natal depression!

Here's an idea get your mum to visit at the same time as in the in-laws and have her say something like I better leave you guys to it, I don't want to intrude on any more of your time with DS and hopefully MIL will take the hint?

This is a great idea

But what if she doesn't take the hint? Some people are deaf to hints. They're the sort you have to manage carefully. Which is what this thread is all about, frankly. If they were reasonable people who took "we need some quiet time with just us and the baby now" as their cue to bugger off there wouldn't be an issue.

If my son's mother in law was given preferential visiting rights over me I would be quite devastated.

Really? You're an adult presumably? If you don't want to be "devastated" by it then you should help out and not stick around for hours imposing on a newborn's mother.Which is what the Op's mother in law did

So your own family will be around but not your DH's?

Sorry. That's bollocks. And I agree with others that that is NOT what the OP has said.

It doesn't matter whether they're blood relatives or not. It matters whether or not they have the common bloody sense to read a bloody room.

You have to explain to DH how it makes you feel and set ground rules around that that suit YOUR family (meaning you, DH & your DC). Neither parents' needs trump the others.

Here's an idea get your mum to visit at the same time as in the in-laws and have her say something like I better leave you guys to it, I don't want to intrude on any more of your time with DS and hopefully MIL will take the hint?

That is a fabulous idea but believe me, there are some people with whom it wouldn't work.

Silvercatowner the OP has had a prem baby and wants her husband's support in following the specialist nursing team's advice to limit visitors, and to support her in not inviting visitors who will stay for extended periods expecting to be waited on in the first few days out of hospital.

What you contribute is that this is upsetting for you a random stranger on the internet...

An yes, I have two sons. No, I do not therefore take everything any woman I have never met says about their MIL personally My mum acts like the OP's MIL and my MIL is very helpful indeed though can be very judgemental and enjoy the opportunity to dole out a lecture as some kind of payment in kind for helping, so we tend to mostly avoid asking for help but that is another story, nobody is perfect

The OP is talking about a person who happens to be her MIL, and another person who happens to be her SIL, not setting out an agenda to be applied to MILs as a group...

Just get yourselves settled in and have visitors when YOU feel up to it.

You shouldn't have to lie but if they are unreasonable enough just to give you space then I feel for you.

YANBU

I think it's entirely normal for a woman to want to see her own Mother rather than her MIL just after she has given birth. This is separate to seeing the new baby.

I definitely wanted my own Mum to be the very person visitor to see her first born grandchild. It was an enormously special moment.

"The OP is talking about a person who happens to be her MIL, and another person who happens to be her SIL, not setting out an agenda to be applied to MILs as a group..."

And the myriad posters who are unquestioningly agreeing with her?

The obvious answer is for the baby's father to "step up" or "grow a pair" and say to his mother "We're coming home on Thursday, but everyone's exhausted so we can only have very short visits at the moment. So could you pop in for 10 minutes to say hello on Friday morning? That would be lovely"

And when they come, he manages the visit. I can never understand this "they sat round for 6 hours" thing. What is their son/the baby's father doing while this is going on? All the mother and baby have to do is show their faces, then retreat upstairs to bed.

Tell everyone hospital orders have to be obeyed for baby's sake. Mum is allowed to come because she's your mum - who can argue with that?! Your mother sounds like a gem, by the way. Anyone who insists on being involved - start giving out work - draw up a rota for cleaning, laundry, providing food, babysitting the older daughter - without encroaching on you or new baby.

The fact that they are posting on Facebook about their distress / upset would annoy me. This is not about them.
YANBU. I agree that your husband should absolutely back you up, on this, and under no circumstances should anyone be sitting around for hours, in your house. As others have said, lay down the parameters in relation to visiting, as advised by the hospital.

All the best to you and your new baby.

All the mother and baby have to do is show their faces, then retreat upstairs to bed.

Which is exactly what I did. Three hours later, DH came up and said, meaningfully, "They're going now." to which I responded "Give them my love and tell them I say thank you for coming." and rolled over. I knew if I went back downstairs I would be caught for 40 minutes saying goodbye and being given more advice. DH looked at my face and got it. It was weird to watch, he all of a sudden got what I was on about. He's been very good at managing visits since then.

I am not bashing the MIL.

Just for clarity my MIL didn't meet my DC until they where 6 months because we lived abroad. My own mother never met them because my parents were so toxic that I waited for them both to die before having DC.

i agree with those saying your dh has to manage this.
i would let them come, but a quick hello then go. that is it. and this is not for you to manage.

Bertrand "managing" family members, especially your / your spouse's parents, is not easy in every family. In many families any suggestion of limiting visit length or contact with a baby (removing it from the room after 10 minutes) will be taken as an absolutely enormous personal insult, even when you do your utmost to "manage" the situation to within an inch of its life...

My mother stayed for two weeks after my DC2 was born, and any suggestion she give me back my newborn and do anything at all except sit on her arse in my feeding chair holding him and refusing to give him back and demanding that I make her hot beverages (which she left half drunk on the coffee table and never even carried back to the kitchen) was met with tears and suggestions that I get on with housework (2 weeks after a caesarean). She was my own mother but I couldn't seem to "manage" her at all and I still wish, almost 9 years on, that I'd "managed" her by not letting her come to stay at all and insisted she stay in a hotel for a weekend and visit for a few hours each day, but my father insisted it would "break her heart" if I didn't want her to come and help.

MIL similarly regards us not staying for at least 6 hours when we visit her as rude and abrupt (its an hour's drive) and would see hints she should leave after a couple of hours at ours as massively rude and would take it personally and be upset for a considerable length of time years. When I was heavily pregnant she considered it rude if I made my excuses and went up to bed at 10pm while she and FIL and BIL were still sitting chatting to DH on the terrace when they'd arrived early for lunch at 10am

Adult family members/ parents of adults can be more difficult to "manage" than a class of 30 teenagers on a windy Friday afternoon...

YANBU, the priority is your son and yourself. Whilst I usually agree with 'both sets of grandparents or neither' in the black and white of it, in this case it's obvious that you want/need a week or so to be a family alone, without stress. If your mum pops in to help during the week, I don't see an issue (unless she's a childish type who would rub it in you PIL face). They've waited this long, they can wait a few more days.

This isn't about mother-in-laws, or even grandparents in general. This is about a poorly boy finally coming home with his family, they should be able to enjoy that without worrying about pleasing others for a few days, or wondering what's 'fair'. It's very easy to say 'well your husband should stand up to his parents', however after weeks of stressing about far more important things, why should they then spend a day or so getting cross over his parents not pulling their weight as soon as baby is home? It can surely wait a few more days. Do what's right for you OP, don't worry about anyone else right now.

"This has been lovely but exhausting. We need you to go now. Thank you so much for coming. We will probably be ready for more visits in 4 or 5 days so we will let you know how things are going and plan something arranging to see you then."

Stand up. Get their coats. Go to the front door

And repeat.

If you get to repeat more than twice. "The hospital was very clear - no visits. This ten minutes have been lovely but we need you to go now."

If they don't then yy you and baby go upstairs as you need to rest.

I had plans for today but DIL phoned to say grandson is too ill for school so can I have him. Of course no probs. I smile when I think of her mother when the babies were born, she has very sharp elbows. Not so interested now especially with the difficult preteen. MILs can be useful, careful who you push out, you might need them one day.

DIL would agree with this, as long as her mother wasn't listening. I do remember exchanging a "look" with DIL when her mother was listening in to plans for my next visit. We discussed times and I said we would be arriving when we planned to be leaving and would be staying for an hour or so. I duly turned up an hour early, DIL was expecting me, and sure enough at the time I was supposed to be arriving, when I was actually getting my coat on to leave, her mother turned up. She was mighty miffed that I had managed an hour with baby without her supervising.

I get on well with both DsIL, they both say their own mothers tend to take over and will ask my advice as I never offer it. So to all mothers of sons try not to stress, you can get on with DIL if you remember that the more you push the more they push back. Stand back and if you are lucky they might just pull you in. On the other hand you might just end up with the lion's share of childcare but that is a whole different story.

As mum of a son if at any point in his adulthood he goes through a physically and emotionally traumatic event, is bleeding from his genitals, has hormones coursing through his body and needs to be looked after by the people that know him best then I hope that is me rather than his MIL on hand to offer that extra support if needed.
If he has a child of his own one day I will wait to be invited for a visit. I will offer to bring food, to take some washing, to shop for any supplies. I will not put my dil under emotional pressure or make her feel uncomfortable.
Op YANBU stand up for your little boy now he needs you and your husband to do what is best gorgeous him and your immediate family unit. If your mum can pop in for 10 mins with a meal to ease the strain for you then that's fine. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Thank you all. I wouldn't stop in laws visiting I was just making the point about the difference in attitudes when visiting, I experienced with dd. It's not a normal situation as my dd has been ill she hasn't seen him for a week. Tbh all I hear from mil is how hard it is for her not to hold him when actually I can't hold him for hours let alone that it's the most unnatural thing in the world leaving my son in hospital. The nurses here are fantastic and have mentioned to my husband about visiting too. Also there is the germ factor he's only 37 weeks now so by time he comes home will still be early. He's s good weight so not tiny baby but still small. I just need my husband to be firm and not allow mil up all day every day

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne, what a nightmare! You have my sympathy, you seem to have drawn the short straw twice. I like to be polite but I think your mother pushed it too far, I think you would have been quite justified in packing her bag and throwing her out.

I like to visit people so I can control how long the visit lasts, six hours sounds like a nightmare. I used to find migraines useful when my MIL stayed with us. She saw me mid attack once when I started vomitting in the street so she never objected when I had to take to my bed. An early night with a good book would make the next day easier to take.

That's exactly fair op. I feel your pain of not being able to hold for hours, leaving the maternity hospital without your child. Waking at night and your baby isn't there because they are still at the hospital. It's hard, and very sad. But it's nearly over. Soon you will be home, you will be cuddling your beautiful son for hours, soon things will be normal and you will both be stronger.

Maybe the inlaws can visit you and the baby and then take dd out for a few hours? And yes get dh to manage their expectations, and to be the one to host them while the are at your place. Take baby off to your room if you need some space and to rest.

Most premmies are stronger than they look. Dd was 4lb 11 when we left the hospital, but she's now a taller than average fiesty nearly 4 year old. This difficult time will pass.

YANBU at all.
However difficult the rest of the family have found it not being able to see him and cuddle him is not a scratch on how difficult it has been for you and your DH - so take a couple of weeks out and put yourselves first for now. Plenty of time for everyone else to have cuddles later and you really need the time.
It's not only best for you as a family but you personally need a breather after everything you've been through. Hope your DH can see where you're coming from - but if I was you I would feel exactly the same.