To not tell people when my son comes home?

[Onthedowns]

My son was born at 35 weeks and is in SCBU for past 2 weeks doing well and hopefully another week or so will be coming home. I was discharged after 3 days so myself and DH been travelling back forth, my DH had also been working to save paternity leave till he comes home. We have a 4 yr dd and she has only been to visit once as she has had terrible cold. It's been extremely stressful emotionally and exhausting. The nurses on unit advised not to tell anyone when we come home so we can spend time as a family before the hoards of visitors arrive. SCBU don't allow visitors just parents and siblings. I want to do this also I feel very protective and obviously having to leave my son has been awful and my dd has suffered also. My DH is struggling slightly with the idea. My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move. ( experience with dd) I just can't have 6,7 people at a time in my house or people just sitting around for hours. The nurse also emphasised DS won't be used to lots of people holding him and dd needs time with him. AIBU in wanting DH to back me up?

I meant to say my mum whilst i was I hospital picked up my washing from home, washed ironed dropped back, took my daughter to nursery and Picked her up , dropped is good around. Even my auntie in law has dropped dinner in and baked cakes for the nurses. All this without asking and it means loads. I don't want to get into a situation where I have to ask people to leave but I feel extremely protective this time round. And unfortunately the Facebook post angered me as it's not about any in esles feelings at this time apart from my immediate family. My dd is missing her terribly and her mummy who is backwards and forwards to hospital, so to put bluntly I couldn't give a shit how upsetting it is for my mil not being able to hold him!

Onthedowns I hope your husband gets the message and backs you up. Short visits are definitely the way to go. Your little girl is also very important here, I know everyone keeps saying it is you and the baby that matter but in my experience, I have 4, making sure she doesn't feel left out or confused is important and can make life a lot easier/more difficult for some time to come.

I had a lovely midwife for my second child and she told my husband in no uncertain terms that it was short visits and none in the evenings as we needed our rest. I think he was too scared to disobey.

Hope it all goes well.

YANBU wanting your DH to back you up. I am a mum to 3 daughters and 2 sons. I would be devastated if my son wouldn't put the needs of his wife and baby before mine, and I would wonder where I went wrong.

Sadly unless someone has walked your path, they won't know how painful and difficult having a baby in scubu is.

Onthedowns, maybe she means well but isn't good at expressing it. Would she be up for doing something useful? Does she get on well with DD? If she does could she be directed to doing something special with her, of course this needs careful handling as not a good idea if DD would feel she is being pushed out. If you think DD would benefit it might be a way to make MIL feel involved, give DD some attention and not involve you making tea.

Perhaps you can use FB to your advantage so it is clear that the rules apply to everyone and MIL and SIL in not seeing your baby first hand, have the babies best interests at heart?

"Thank you all for your wonderful notes, offers of help and fantastic food drop offs. It has made a difficult time for DH, DC1 and I so much easier. Baby Onthedowns 2 is doing well but is still fragile and vulnerable to infection as he/she is a weeny xlbs, about the weight of a small X. The hospital are positive about his/her prospects though if we are careful. We hope to have her/him discharged from hospital in the next few weeks but the hospital have advised against all visitors including family due to the risk of infection given the time of year, and the need to get his/her weight up. So it will just be DH, DC1 and I for a few weeks and facetime sessions with grandparents and close relatives. I'll try to get some pics up when the tubes are out.

My original due date isn't until X date so hopefully we will be able to start having a few visitors around Y, when Baby Onthedowns 2 will be 3 weeks old "adjusted" [Note to OP. I'm not sure of the right terminology]

It's been lovely to hear from you all and get your messages in the meantime. Hope to be out and about by the May BH weekend.
Much love
Onthedowns"

I am a mum to 3 daughters and 2 sons. I would be devastated if my son wouldn't put the needs of his wife and baby before mine, and I would wonder where I went wrong.

^^this

Similarly, as a mother to daughters, I would be devastated if they didn't put the needs of THEIR husbands and children before mine, and would wonder where I went wrong. I had a major row with my mother three years ago because she wanted to do something that would have upset my DH. I wasn't bothered either way but I wasn't having him upset because she was just trying to control a situation (rather than actually being bother either).

YANBU and I would ask the nurse if she could explain it again to your DH. Those first few days are so important and you want to settle as a family. I found when I brought DD home and it was just us that I could really tune in to his needs and work out when he was tired, hungry, why he was crying etc. As soon as visitors came round I couldn't give him that 100% attention and it made him much less calm. The first few days are so important, especially when your little one has had a tough start.

And to everyone saying OP should treat her mother the same and you'd be furious at different treatment - it's completely different. My MIL was desperate to pick up the baby, show him off to friends, sit for hours having cups of tea made for her while she gazed at him and got grumpy when I took him out of the room to feed him or put him down for a nap. In the end (I had an EMCS so felt perfectly justified) I went to bed for a week and took the baby with me. Whereas my mum's first priority was me, not the baby - she was coming round to check I was ok, to make meals and tidy the house and keep DD entertained if needed. Anyone who doesn't understand a new mum's need to have her mum around after a birth is missing the point of mums!

Failing that, this is very good advice >>
Here's an idea get your mum to visit at the same time as in the in-laws and have her say something like I better leave you guys to it, I don't want to intrude on any more of your time with DS and hopefully MIL will take the hint?

I wouldn't lie. No good ever comes of lying. And I would let your husband's family come and see your little boy when he comes home. I think the short-term pain is better than the long-term resentment it would cause. Yes, you and your baby are the most important people in this scenario. But you are not the only people.

So I would invite them over, but lay down ground rules in advance. Come and visit for a couple of hours. That's all any of us is up to. Have a cuddle and a cup of tea and a bit of cake, then leave.

I don't think the same rule needs to apply to your Mum. It's a completely different relationship. You need her help and support. It's not mother-in-law bashing to suggest that your partner's mum doesn't do this. It's a fact. She doesn't.

Ywp short visits in the afternoon only are the way to go.bear in mind too that there is not usually as much interest in a second baby as a first

My sil and mil have been posting on Facebook how hard it is not to cuddle him and are first to see him. My mum tends to just come in take my washing, drop me a dinner and see DC for ten mins. Whereas mil and sil sit for hours expect tea made generally don't move.

Ah. I see. I wondered when the cliche about your Mum being an angel who never gets in the way would get trotted out, and there it is.

Do what you like, just tell them yourself they are not welcome. Don't expect your husband to do your dirty work for you when he doesn't understand or agree with holding his own family at arm's length while yours get VIP access.

I often wonder whether the helpful angelic mothers of daughters morph into interfering tea demanders when they visit their sons.

I just need my husband to be firm and not allow mil up all day every day

Of course. That would be unacceptable. But are you really talking about her being there all day every day, or sitting for hours on end expecting you to feed her etc, while your saintly mum stays 10 mins max and leaves with another load of washing?

Or are we really talking about your mother coming for half an hour to an hour, several times a week from the day you get home, while your MIL is not allowed to come at all until you decide?

Has your mother seen the baby at all yet?

MiLs that cook and clean are interfering. MiLs that act like guests are lazy. MiLs that have their own lives are disinterested. MiLs that babysit on demand are OK as long as they are silent and v, v grateful for the privilege.

So that's the secret of being a MiL. Do what your told when your told, never complain and act happy about it. Simple

tippy if it's true how is it a cliche?

We all know people can be a bit weird and show little to no consideration for the parents of tiny babies and we all know some people do show consideration.

LOL Bertrand I've lost count of the number of threads I've read like this.

It is quite amazing how it is always the mother who is the trouble free relative who knows how to help out and respect boundaries without outstaying her welcome, and it's always the PILs and SILs who will want to sit for hours, manhandle the baby, pass it round like pass the parcel and expect to fed, and waited on hand and foot.

Every time. It's the weirdest thing.

Congratulations on your baby boy!

YANBU. Bringing home a new baby is not a spectator sport. In your shoes I wouldn't tell anyone. If your mum comes in to help and sees he is home then you she can have a peek. But that will be because she offered to come round and help with the practicalities.

If MIL and SIL are decent people and care enough about you to put your feelings first then when they find out they will understand. When they do come round then make it clear it's just for X time, and point them in the direction of the kettle when they arrive!

Here's an idea get your mum to visit at the same time as in the in-laws and have her say something like I better leave you guys to it, I don't want to intrude on any more of your time with DS and hopefully MIL will take the hint

I'd go further than this if your mum is up to it. 'Right then, that's 30 minutes, that's the maximum the hospital said, wasn't it? Come on, MIL, let's take our cups through to the kitchen and then leave these good people to get some rest. Have you got your coat? Oh look, you've left your scarf in the corner of that chair, don't forget it. Onthedowns, we'll see you soon, do you have any ironing or washing I can take with me?'

And get her to physically bustle your MIL out of the door.

I have two sons and if the time comes I plan to follow my mum's example of how to be a good MIL. She is thoughtful, considerate and helpful. She doesn't assume her solutions are the best, and I often have to drag advice or opinions out of her which is occasionally annoying -- but she is so worried about being overbearing having had an overbearing MIL and mother.

I have two SILs. One has a normal, sane family and gets on well with mine. No kids. My other SIL has two small kids and a self-involved, attention-seeking mother who never offers help, complains that she doesn't have a close relationship with her grandchildren but won't put any effort into building one, expects to be waited on hand and foot and generally goes out of her way to make SIL feel like shit.

Curiously, it's my mum - her MIL - with whom SIL has a much better relationship and who has a much closer relationship with the grandchildren.

No, of course you're not being unreasonable.

I can't believe how self absorbed they're being tbh - I'm sure it is hard for them with their grandchild / nephew in SCBU, but surely they know it must be even harder for you, having to leave him there, and barely able to hold him?

As for having your mum visit and not his family - it's not about the fact she's your mother, it's the fact she sounds like she's actually being supportive, has helped in the past (when DD was born) and has also respected your boundaries, which they are already trying to breach.

I wouldn't lie though. I would tell them you are coming home, but you will invite people over when you feel up to it, DS has settled in, DD as adjusted, and you are all used to functioning as a unit together. If they try to invite themselves, set that time back by 48hrs

Best of tluck.

I often wonder whether the helpful angelic mothers of daughters morph into the interfering tea demanders when they visit their sons.

I think they do although my friend's mum is the opposite and angelic at her DS's and horrendous at my poor friends. She demanded my friend and her DH paint the hall when she came visit after their first baby was born.

Do what you like, just tell them yourself they are not welcome. Don't expect your husband to do your dirty work for you when he doesn't understand or agree with holding his own family at arm's length while yours get VIP access.

IS doing the washing VIP access?

badg3r has it right. I hope you will be telling your own mother on exactly what terms she is allowed in and how long she is permitted to stay.

And if it's possible to do that with your own mother it should also be perfectly possible to do it with your MIL.

Jassy that sounds fine in theory but the OP has already said she can't be having five or six people there are once, so her own mother there at the same time is just an extra body in the way.

Why are women so insistent that their in laws are totally devoid of any emotional intelligence or common sense and therefore incapable of understanding a basic request to keep the visiting delegation small and the visit short? Does becoming a MIL make you extra-specially stupid or something?

It is quite amazing how it is always the mother who is the trouble free relative who knows how to help out and respect boundaries without outstaying her welcome, and it's always the PILs and SILs who will want to sit for hours, manhandle the baby, pass it round like pass the parcel and expect to fed, and waited on hand and foot.

Nope. My MiL is a helpful angel in that respect, my parents expected to hold the [non feeding heading towards jaundice] baby all day and be waited on hand and foot by their post EMCS daughter.

Regardless of angel status, differing treatment will breed massive resentment between two families who are presumably concerned about the OP's premature child, so I think that the OP should consider the point made in this post carefully
TippyTappyLappyToppy Tue 15-Mar-16 10:29:43

I wonder if the ILs don't feel particularly at ease to start doing housework or even messing about in the kitchen.
I wouldn't.

Unlike interfering mothers who just decide they know when to put the washing up or make food.

If the ILs visit, and you haven't before, why not put them at ease and ask for help if you need it?