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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

309 replies

Scootering · 12/03/2016 13:54

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 18:50

So you suggest op crosses her fingers and hopes for the best?

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 18:51

Do people (in general) ever get any actual advice when writing wills or is this all the result of cheap whsmith type will writing?

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 18:53

superbaghag i guess it would be ok then if your dh remarried again during this potential 40 year period of widowhood and all the kids were disinherited in favour of the new wife?

Scarydinosaurs · 12/03/2016 18:57

You can 100% contest it if it isn't clear why he has disinherited you.

My DF has two children from his first marriage who he intends to disinherit due to the disproportionate amount of money they have recieved over their lifetime vs his other children, the fact one is an alcoholic drug addict, and that together they are generally nasty and unpleasant. He has an awful relationship with both of them- one doesn't contact him at all, and the other only contacts with requests for money.

I cannot understand how your father can be so cruel to disinherit a child he not only has a relationship with, but that he also relies upon for help. It is really very sad.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 12/03/2016 19:00

He does know.

LuluJakey1 · 12/03/2016 19:03

It doesn't matter what he would like if he does not make legal provision for it. The email will count for nothing- he could change his mind, it doesn't say an amount and if he leaves all the mney to SM it is her mney to do as she wishes with. He needs to get legal advice about how to leave money to his children.

superbaghag · 12/03/2016 19:04

I have to trust he will do the right thing and yes if I die tomorrow and he remarries and has more children then yes the estate dilutes further. The children aren't guaranteed anything and aren't entitled to it. I trust that if I die first he will do the right thing and I am totally happy with that. I have every intention of doing the same should it be the other way round. In the meantime his children from the previous marriage are all set up well by us. Uni fees paid, house deposits given and my eldest is receiving the same now. They are being given help along the way.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 19:05

The estate wouldnt dilute further. It would just pass to his new wife. Who knows who she'd choose to leave it to. Oh well, so long as you know.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 19:06

Giving a lot away as you go is a really good idea.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2016 19:07

OK, trying to assume the 'best' of OP's DF.

Do you think there's any possibility that he knows she's up to something she's bullying and threatening him and he's sent you the copy of the will hoping beyond hope that you raise a huge stink so he can tell her 'Oh, I must change this, see how upset Scooter is? I know you'd do the right thing in the end so it really won't matter if I change things so she feels better"? Maybe he thinks that holy hell won't rain down on him if he can blame you for him changing his will.

Am I safe in assuming that SM sees/vets these emails he's sending you? Would she be willing to send you a copy of her will, assuming she's made one which I doubt?

At any rate, you need to get to a solicitor with the will and any/all emails he sends and get your position clarified with regards to his current will and your DF's intention for you to receive part of his estate and his belief about SM will do right by you as expressed in his emails. Would his emails hold any weight if she disinherits you after his death in favour of only her own daughter by having an 'all to my daughter' will?

There's no fool like an old fool!

BalloonSlayer · 12/03/2016 19:09

He has emailed again and said I mustn't worry as he trusts SM to do the right thing.

She may well do!

My Dad got my stepmother's half of the house when my stepmother died. They did not have a very good relationship and nearly divorced at one point. She had no other assets. She had two children, one Dad was very fond of and one he couldn't stand. My Dad never dreamt of depriving either of his stepchildren of their half of the house - even though he could be a vindictive bugger and quite tight/grasping - and made sure it was in his will that they got it.

You could reply "What do you mean 'do the right thing, Dad?' What is it you want her to do if you die before her?"

Then if she says "well, give you all £££" then a) you have it in an email and b) you can say "then you can put that in your will and it'll definitely happen. Dad, what's the problem?"

Valentine2 · 12/03/2016 19:12

Acroosthepond, that's exactly what I was thinking after reading through all of this. I think OP should raise this point and dig her heels in because it's obvious her father really wants her to be included. BUT is either naive or being manipulated and wants out without making the SM super angry. He seems like he wants to be given a chance to actually change the will and was pushed into the current will one way or the other. Makes sense to me.

EverybodyHatesATourist · 12/03/2016 19:19

Do people (in general) ever get any actual advice when writing wills or is this all the result of cheap whsmith type will writing?

I went to a solicitors with someone when they made a will, the solicitor did point out various scenarios to them that they hadn't considered.
The same person frequently announces "I am changing my will" whenever they are not getting their own way.

We've known half a dozen cases similar to the OP, the step-parent has promised to sort something out for their spouse's children, the reality is they have given them nothing.
I'd rather stand on my own two feet and not have a penny if it meant someone else having control over me. That is what it comes down to - "I have the money and therefore the control". Fuck that.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 19:22

Completely agree

You read that kind of scenario every week or so on here. Its really common. I'm so surprised people still write these kind of wills. The emotional fallout lasts generations as well. My grandparent told me all about her stepgrandmother keeping all the jewellery. Emotional wounds last a lifetime

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 19:32

At least ops dad has been upfront. So many people just find out at probate. V sad

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 19:32

OP, I had a feeling he'd say he trusts her.

There's another route you can try to deal with this - could you point out to him it will be easier for her if he covers this off in his will? As it stands, his trusting her also involves her taking on the admin of sorting her own will when she's inherited his lot.

so if he could leave your share to you in trust, it saves her some admin? Worth a try.

frumpet · 12/03/2016 19:42

Can't help feeling you have walked into a trap ?

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 19:44

frump, you mean it's a test - if OP comments then SM will take it badly and not leave anything for her?

yes, I thought of that too - one reason why I suggested she play innocent and talk about how it makes it easier on SM to sort it now.

Kr1stina · 12/03/2016 19:48

What SmallLegs mentions above re Scotland is true - children are entitled to 25% of moveable estate in Scotland. This might be changing in some way as there's been various consultations about it, but at the moment children can challenge any will where they are disinherited

It's actually even easier than this - you don't have to challenge the will or go to court .

The executor has to write to any children who have not been left anything in the will and ask them if they wish to claim their " legal right " . If they do NOT wish to do so, they have to sign a document to say they waive that right. Otherwise they just get the money .

If they are left anything in the will, they have to choose between what they are left and their legal right . They can't have both .

If they can't be found, the executors have to keep the money aside for them for a certain number of years .

[ disclaimer - I am not a solicitor so may have used the wrong legal terms here ]

EweAreHere · 12/03/2016 20:05

Keep all the emails/correspondence with your father on the matter. Print them out and put them somewhere safe should you ever need them.

nooka · 12/03/2016 20:06

My FIL has a late in life new partner (MIL died many years ago). He sat down all his children (and I think she did the same with her niece) and explained how their wills worked. Like a few other people have said pretty much everything goes to his partner until she dies and then is split so that his assets get split between his children and her assets go to her beneficiaries.

It seems a fairly standard arrangement for late blended families, means the spouse is well looked after so long as they live and children are not left out either.

My father was an accountant and did lots of estate planning, he said that in wills it's best to keep things simple and clean so that things aren't left to trust and as much as possible unhappiness is involved.

I also can't see why it's supposed to be so much better to give bad news earlier, surely it just means that people like the OP are going to be hurt and sad before their parent dies, as well as when they die?

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 20:11

nooka "I also can't see why it's supposed to be so much better to give bad news earlier, surely it just means that people like the OP are going to be hurt and sad before their parent dies, as well as when they die?"

in this case, if it is the case that DF really thinks there is a risk of SM leaving OP out of the will, I would think it's probably been done so that the OP wouldn't go to SM at the time of DF death and kick off.

But increasingly I am with the OP and I think it's naivete more than really thinking that the DF knows the SM won't give OP her share.

That said...if my parents weren't leaving me anything I'd rather know in advance as well!

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/03/2016 20:18

I meant challenge more in terms of "not accepting the written will" Kr1stina but you're right it's probably not the right word - it's the choice of phrase which has been bandied about a bit in recent discussions (we're in Scotland which makes this whole situation interesting and subject to even more emotional blackmail.)

Interesting that it's automatic in favour of the children (and others who can't be disinherited) though rather than in favour of the will - I knew the legal position but hadn't looked in to the practicalities of it. Explains why FIL has been like a dog with a bone trying to get DH and siblings to agree with him if it's quite that straightforward. Choice of wording from FIL has been "I want you to agree not to challenge the will and try to claim your share..."

YaySirNaySir · 12/03/2016 20:27

My friend was disinherited by her father this way. SM and child got the lot.
However his mum (friends grandma) died after him and left my friend everything.
I agree with Bombardier give away some as you go along. Our families have already and hopefully we will be able to do the same.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2016 20:34

'He sat down all his children (and I think she did the same with her niece) and explained how their wills worked. Like a few other people have said pretty much everything goes to his partner until she dies and then is split so that his assets get split between his children and her assets go to her beneficiaries'

There is nothing at all to stop her from changing her own will even before he dies.

I'd have to tell him I'm under no obligation to trust a SM who says stuff like 'the real grandchildren' and that he has has disinherited me.

He knows this.