To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

[SeaRabbit]

TLDR so sorry if repeating, but he would do best to leave SM assets in a trust from which she gets the income (& capital if she really needs it -it's possible to have a suitabnle trust with no IHT charge) - with balance after her death to all kids - then it will be clear that the assets are split as he would want after her death.

[Scarriff]

My guess is that he wants you to intervene but cant say so for some reason. Doesnt want to upset his second wife and trusts you to find a way through. Suggest that he leaves half to his first family 'because of the grandchildren and half to his second family 'because of the grandchildren' Once that division is established your stepmother can have all of her share and yours can be divided between you and your children. Need a good firm executor.

[Cookie19]

You seem to be very concerned about upsetting your dad, but don't you think he should have thought about upsetting you by sending you his will, which you've been left out of? I really don't understand what his reasoning would be for that. But you seem to not want to upset him, which is your decision to make, so perhaps ignore it then and if his wife is behind it, she at least won't have the satisfaction of getting a reaction from you. Personally I couldn't bite my tongue though and would have to ask him why he'd sent it.

[letshaveacupoftea]

Could it be that he has been manipulated into making this by SM and he is unhappy about it? You say that he phones you for emotional support which makes me wonder if he has found it hard to be assertive about this issue with SM. Maybe his reason for sending it to you is simply to get your emotional support in order to be assertive with her over this. Instead of your approach being "Dad this hurts me", it could be one of sympathy for him - "Dad, is this what you wanted? Are you happy with this?"

What would happen if SM dies before him? Would any of the remaining estate go to SM's daughter? If she would not receive anything, then perhaps he can use the worry of that possibility to discuss a change in the will with SM, to make sure there is fair provision for all of you.

[Shesaid]

He's showing you this because she has made him do it and he WANTS you to object. I'm afraid he is not strong enough to stand up to her and he's hoping you are stronger and will show him how to.

If he is always asking you for emotional support, now is the time to give it to him. Just call him and ask him if she put him up to it as you both know it's not OK to cut you out. He will say he knows that too and then you can discuss together how he should stand up to his wife without causing too much destruction

[ScarlettSahara]

MummyBex I don't think you are getting it. Yes very admirable to work hard in a difficult job as I am sure a lot of us do. Yes I agree it would be foolish to assume an inheritance is coming your way and not bother with the day job.
This situation feels more like the OP's DF being manipulated - who as a step-parent would refer to their own children as the "real" GC?
I can understand the OP feeling pushed out especially when inheritance not only from her DF but her DM appears to be winging its way to her SM's children.
It would take a saint not to find that a little galling surely? She just wants a little acknowledgement for her family and it is not hard to do.

[ScarlettSahara]

Aagh I am a rubbish typer. Just spent ages typing another post and lost it!

Anyway thread has moved on. Sorry about what happened to you Julius. History has repeated itself in my family & I have seen the hurt it caused as well as experiencing it to a lesser degree myself. Yes I feel it is most definitely about feeling acknowledged and also being left something with cherished memories and not a grabby sense of entitlement to sit on the sofa all day watching daytime tv, being fed peeled grapes Thornton's Chocs, never to go out to work again!
Julius you would do the kind and decent thing but OP's SM has prepared the ground to alienate OP's family by the unchallenged use of the term "real" GC. Some people may have the intention of taking the honourable course of action but have pressure put on them by other individuals.
Agree with Pengy that if you do wish to take care of/ acknowledge friends/ family/ particular charity after your death then nothing can be left to chance.

[RubbleBubble00]

I'd be replying that if he wants the kids left something then he needs to out it in his will as mil could remarry or be too grief stricken to deal with the he financial side should God forbid he does.

[RubbleBubble00]

I thin though that if they die together they will go by his wife's will as he will be presumed to have died first

[pengymum]

A lot of people make mirror wills or wills that leave everything to a spouse or another 'trusted' person and relies on that person to do the right thing and look after everyone else BUT they don't seem to realise or appreciate that once they are gone this person can do whatever they like - this becomes THEIR money. And, unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. What seemed right then can change and step parents or trusted siblings/relatives/friends' priorities change. Then so do their wills.
If you want your money/property to go to specific people, you must say so. DO NOT rely on anyone else to carry out your unwritten wishes. Leave everything to your spouse, if you want to. But state that in the event of their death, or remarriage, x amount goes to y person. See a lawyer & sort it while you can.
By the way, I am NOT a lawyer!

[Julius02]

Apologies, I didn't mean to derail this thread and make it about me...

[BombadierFritz]

I'm really sorry it happened to you too julius and you are right - it is the emotion attached to it. Very very few people would be interested in the money for its own sake. Its about what it says about love and care
Ops parent is being very careless with his love and care imo

[Julius02]

Backingvocals, that is a fair point, and I agree with you. I hadn't looked at it from that perspective.

And you're right it does hurt, but it isn't about the money. My father left his money to one of my siblings, excluding the other two. I didn't care about the money (and the circumstances were quite complicated) but the shock and feeling of being unloved when I found out after the funeral took me a long time to come to terms with.

Ironically just before he died I was the one he turned to to help him and look after him on his deathbed. As time has gone by knowing that has helped a lot. The money meant nothing, it was about being loved.

[kawliga]

Julius it is very clear that this SM has no intention of leaving anything to OP. She has already said she doesn't consider OPs dcs to be the 'real' dcs, even though the dcs really love her! I find that cruel, tbh, and it would be stupid to say maybe later she will change her mind and do the right thing. She won't. Also, it is clear what the DF's wish in this case is - he wants OP to inherit but he's assuming that his wife will do the right thing. Which she clearly won't. This is completely different from your situation.

[BombadierFritz]

So you are actually following social norms that money goes down the generations? Not leaving it all to the cats home then? How surprisingly conventional.

[Backingvocals]

Julius your will reflects the sort of thing one would expect a parent to do. The issue is around the parents who don't do what you've done and expect children to feel at ease with their parent's money going to a random second cousin. It hurts.

[Julius02]

It's also the social norm for a husband to leave his estate to his wife, In This case someone he has been married to for over 20 years.

My DH has been married before and has grown up children. We have also been married for 20 years and during that time have had ups and downs, times when we have been well off and times when we have struggled. Our wills leave everything to each other. However in my will is a clause, that my DH and I discussed and agreed on, and that he felt was important, that says that in the event of my death (assume he dies first and I inherit) a minimum of 75% goes to his children. In fact they will get all of it. And if I die first he gets all of my money with no conditions and if he wants to leave it all to my stepchildren that's fine by me.

It may be that his wife is making future provision for her stepchildren and to say that the OP won't even get a trinket is unknown. It's not mentioned in his will but if anything happened to my DH I would immediately give his son his signet ring and his - quite valuable - watches. I know it's what he would want.

I'm not saying it's as clear cut here but I still believe that people are free to do with their money as they wish.

[kawliga]

In this family there is actually a close relationship between OP and her DF. In fact her DF relies on her for emotional support and she also helps him sort out his financial affairs. Also, he is saying he wants her to inherit, but that he trusts his wife to do the right thing. So he is disinheriting her from carelessness/burying his head in the sand and not wanting to upset his wife. The wife has said she doesn't consider OP her 'real' family.

There, that's a summary of the thread for mummybex and Julius as their comments about 'entitlement' suggest they don't know OP's story.

[Backingvocals]

I would have less of a problem with my dad leaving his money to the cats home than leaving it to my DSM's niece by accident. It's the capriciousness of one set of family ties trumping another (even when, as in our case, the family ties that win aren't even close - it's auntie to niece) that is so galling.

[BombadierFritz]

Why shocked julius? Its the social norm. Its pretty unusual not to, usually involving some unhealthy family dynamic with the golden child/black sheep dynamic, or the playing one off against another dynamic for instance. Its such a social norm that it is written into law in many countries.

[expatinscotland]

Julius, he hasn't left her so much as a trinket of his and if he doesn't in his will or give it to her now, she will not even get that. How it is 'entitled' to want to be remembered by your own father? Most parents enjoy treating their children.

[Julius02]

People can leave their money to whoever they like - no-one is 'entitled' to anything. And I say this as someone whose parent chose not to leave any of his money to me. It was his money, his choice, although initially very hurtful. I'm really shocked by how many people on here believe they are 'entitled'

[biggles50]

Please speak to him about it or it'll fester, I'm so sorry for you, it must have be so upsetting. I can't see why your sm would object to his leaving 50% ie his share of the estate to his biological children. But then she sounds horrible, so guessing she would kick off. He's got to grow a pair, saying the gc aren't the real ones is hateful. You really must speak to him and presumably your siblings will be on board?

[expatinscotland]

Do you still have a backside to sit on, Mummybex?

We don't know if the OP hasn't done the exact same thing.

Most parents want to leave something to their children, or give them things, yes, even money! They love them and want them to have the best and make their lives easier as much as they can.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Mummybex, why so smug and superior?

It may be normal in your world that a father who is a millionaire (by inheritance!) would chose not to leave anything to his hard working yet skint daughter, but fortunately for most of us, that's unusual.