To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

[kaitlinktm]

Sorry crossed posts!

He is always telephoning me for emotional support
He will say that my step mum would be upset if he changed it

WTAF?! His daughter is upset by being disinherited and by being told that her children aren't "the real grandchildren". He certainly deserves no emotional support from you - he has shown you his utter contempt for your feelings and his disinterest in your future or that of your children (HIS grandchildren).

[rollonthesummer]

Why are you worried about upsetting him when he is not worried about upsetting you?!

[Witchend]

I think it would be totally fair enough to send him a message that says roughly that you are very hurt that he thinks so little of you that he hasn't thought to leave you anything to remember him by.
If you can maker sure he gets the message and not your sm then you can add what you've said about your sm referring to the "real grandchildren".
Something along the lines of "obviously I hoped when sm referred to my dc as not being your proper grandchildren (which clearly she is wrong as they are) you were just too cowardly to contest this. This makes it clear that you agree with her, and that means you do not see me either as your child"

And then consider going nc depending on response.

[wiltingfast]

Wills are private. His wife does not need to know or see his will.

Have you spoken to your other siblings?

[Marynary]

Perhaps your stepmother suggested he send it to you and he was too stupid to see through her intentions. Either that or he is trying to upset you himself. Either way, someone is being nasty.

[wiltingfast]

You could also ask him what he thinks your mother would feel if she saw how he was disinheriting the children they had together.

[PennyDropt]

It seems a very one-sided 'close' relationship that you have with him.

What is it with these men that the 'evil' SM 'makes' them do nasty things to their DCs from first marriage.

Weak barstarsds basically, hiding behind the SM.

[BabyGanoush]

maybe chat to him

maybe mention that he is free to change his will, alone, without SM ever knowing (well, not when he is alive anyway).

Could he have been bullied into it? It's such an odd thing to do. Maybe he wants you to contest it?

Sorry you have such a horrid SM

[pleaseplease]

I'd ask him why he sent you a copy of the will as you aren't in it. Then see how the conversation goes from there.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

My dad made a will splitting his estate into thirds, so equally between me, step mum and brother.

What your dad has done would have upset me and I get on with my step mum. Yanbu to tell him this.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

They sound like they deserve each other.

I'd distance yourself. He doesn't deserve your energy.

[alltouchedout]

He sounds nasty.
Yes, in your place I'd mention it. Very bluntly. "Why have you sent me a copy of your will in which I am not mentioned?is this your way of trying to end our relationship?"

[Lambzig]

My dad has done this. He will almost certainly die first now. Step-mother doesn't have children, but has left everything to her niece. It does annoy me, particularly when they go on about how much they adore the grandchildren - the ones that they have disinherited, but what can you do?

[DinosaursRoar]

OP - you need to think he's not worried that much if he upsets you by disinheriting you, so why do you have to worry about upsetting him by telling him his behaviour has upset you? Why do you think your dad's feelings are more important than your own? You are upset, that's ok, but not ok for him to be upset? Alf's e-mail is worded well to the point, send that. He might get upset, but he needs to admit he has disinherited you and that disinheriting your DCs with no reason is unusual and upsetting to them.

Someone told me that a Will is your last message to your loved ones about who and what matters to you, he's effectively decided the last message you should recieve from your dad is that you don't matter.

[Squeegle]

I agree - why are you worried about upsetting him, he has upset you, and if he's not sensitive enough to realise that, well you can tell him.
It is convention to leave your children your money; he is going against the grain.

[scarlets]

You really need to talk to him about this. He sent it to you for a reason. He might have been coerced into writing it, in which case he'll need support to resolve it. However, if it's his genuine wish to favour his "new" family, then you can distance yourself and quit the emotional support (he can turn to them, instead).

[EweAreHere]

You have nothing to lose at this point by speaking up. Nothing. Let him be upset. You have nothing to lose, literally.

I'm sorry he's treating you like this. MIL and her daughter should not be inheriting everything, and he knows it, but perhaps he's afraid to do anything else?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Talk to him about it.

He hasn't left you anything at all? That's mean.

[yorkshapudding]

I would respond along the lines of

"I don't understand why you have sent this to me or how I am suppposed to respond. Is this simply your way of letting me know that my children and I have been disinherited? If so, I wish you had spoken to me about it in person."

Of course, your Father has a right to do as he wants with his estate but I don't see why you should pretend that you understand his decision or that this isn't extremely hurtful.

[GabiSolis]

You can ask a very factual question about it OP. You don't have to be confrontational or outwardly emotional, but since he has made you aware of the contents, you can comment on them.

Lambzig - same to you. I wouldn't dismiss that as 'what can you do?'.

[ProfessorPickles]

This is very strange I feel, especially as you say you get on quite well. Do you think your step mum may have sent it to rub your nose in it?

[TheBouquets]

Hold a conversation with him and don't just pick on the Step Mother after he is gone. Had something along these lines. The Will is the choice of the signatory not the beneficiary and it is unfair to criticise the recipient after death.
I suppose DF is not ill or in danger just now but what would happen if that day came? Would the StepM be left to cope mostly on her own or would you and the siblings take turns equal to hers? It is hypothetical just now but anything can happen and Wills are meant to cover all eventualities. Is there anything along the lines of if StepM predeceases DF or they die together. Perhaps then the estate will go to you and siblings rather than StepM daughter.
It might be an idea to ask for a written legal opinion from your own lawyer.

[lorelei9]

I find this disgusting I'm afraid

he made a decision to bring you into the world - I guess, I suppose it partly depends on your age (!) - and he doesn't want to leave a penny for you? This makes me understand why some countries have forced heirs.

I think it's even more disgusting that he leans on you for emotional support. Screw upsetting him, I'd say to him "do you think your will is fair?"

if he says "no I don't but I'm worried about upsetting your stepmother" I'd say to him to grow a pair.

[lorelei9]

I presume he sent you a copy in advance so that there is no doubt and no shock for you after he passes.

[Lambzig]

I found out as I was asked, along with my sister, to witness their wills.

I did say to Dad it was a bit upsetting not to be left anything, he just shrugged and said he owed it to his wife. She said that we "weren't family", which is true, but hard to hear when my DC adore her so much.

I give up with my father, he was a selfish man when we were little and he is a selfish man now he is terminally ill. He is what he is.

Don't mean to hijack OP.