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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

309 replies

Scootering · 12/03/2016 13:54

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2016 18:00

I've skim-read replies so apologize if I'm being redundant.

Firstly-I'd ask him to clarify what he means by 'all their children'. (I'm assuming that when you said 'all their children' his actual reply was 'all OUR children', which would include you, your sibs, and step sister?)

Secondly-I'd take the will AND his email reply to a good solicitor to see where you may stand legally IF your SM hasn't drawn up a will naming all the children.

Normally I'd say to ask your dad if your SM has a will and what it says. But even if your SM has drawn up an 'all our children' will, there is not a damn thing stopping her from writing a new will after your father's death and leaving it all to her daughter. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet my new hat that's exactly what she'd do. Otherwise she, herself, would be seeing to it that your dad has protected his children in his estate planning. So in reality, asking your dad if she has a will wouldn't mean a damn thing.

His will should be a 'life estate' will directly leaving her a share of the estate with your/your sibs share held in trust during her lifetime. She gets the income off the trust, but the principal is untouchable. When she dies her daughter would get her share and the life estate portion would then go to you/your sibs.

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/03/2016 18:01

Can't speak for the OP but in our situation there's already significant and obvious differences between money spent on FIL's side of the family vs Step MIL's. He's not really allowed to spend on his children. Combined with her behaviour over the years it's really very unrealistic that she would abide by what her and FIL have agreed should he die first.

Given what OP has described it seems unlikely her SM would be decent about it either.

It's hard not to perceive it as being about love, frankly.

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 18:05

Across - exactly!

Vendee - even in the situation you describe, there are ways of leaving the money so that after the second spouse passes, it goes to the children.

and lol at £1m not being a lot. I consider myself spoiled and lucky but I still think it's a shitload! It may not be available in cash but the point here is that the OP has ways of ensuring his daughter doesn't miss out.

whether or not he hasn't taken them, we don't know, but if he hasn't, then he really should. And it doesn't make sense to send her a copy of a will which doesn't provide for her, without adding in anything that would show she is provided for.

you also mention age. They may be on the young side, but that probably makes it even more risky that SM might marry again if DF goes before her.

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 12/03/2016 18:05

My step children (who, incidentally call me mum not by my first name) have lived with us since they were very small and I have no intention of disinheriting them. That's not mean at all, it simply means that my husband and I trust each other to do the right thing if, God forbid, something awful were to happen. It's so sad that the first reaction is to assume there is some sort of mercinary intention; we made our money and our first priority was to protect each other. We have parented together for two decades, I think j we would have worked out by now if either of us intended to screw over any of the kids.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 18:09

But if your will doesnt say to all kids it just goes to your bio kids

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 18:09

So you would send your dc an unsolicited copy of your will which doesn't at any point mention them?

I don't believe you.

CalicoBlue · 12/03/2016 18:11

My DM told me that the will she and my DSF have is set in a trust type agreement, with executors of the wills involved in this. I did mention this pp, but addressing the aspect of the surviving spouse changing the will:

When either die the other gets everything, apart from personal items, jewellery etc. They are individually willed. The estate is for the surviving spouse for the rest of their life. Then the trust will divide up the remaining estate and divide it between all the kids. The surviving spouse can not change their will to disinherit, the two executors are to make sure that does not happen.

So it is possible to protect your (OP) inheritance after your DSM has died. Seems a lot easier than expecting one to change their will after the other dies.

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 18:11

I don't believe you either otherwise your will would have different wording. I made a will it was explained to me.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 18:11

(I mean if your dh has passed on and it doesnt specify anyone else)

Millbram · 12/03/2016 18:13

Keep your fingers crossed that SM pops her clogs first then OP

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/03/2016 18:14

There are a lot of different relationship types that can fall under the banner of "step parent" - AKiss it sounds like you're effectively a full blown parent to your step DC and they would have no issues trusting you at all to treat them fairly.

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 18:14

Akiss "It's so sad that the first reaction is to assume there is some sort of mercinary intention; "

but the SM here talks of her "real" grandchildren. It's not an assumption based on a wonderful relationship. Of course if the family really is a family it would be sad for that to be the first response. But if you look at what the OP says, there is every reason to suppose something could be amiss here.

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 18:15

Plus I'm sure the OP was sent a copy in the first place to see to it that any conversations happen now, and the DF didn't want SM disturbed in some way at the time of his death.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 18:16

They would also have to trust akiss' kids because if she dies without updating her will its got nothing to do with how much they trust her. And a quick read on mn shows how often families fall out over unfair wills

Original poster
Scootering · 12/03/2016 18:18

He has emailed again and said I mustn't worry as he trusts SM to do the right thing.

I said ok fine but it's not what I've been advised. He's quite elderly and she is much younger - I can well see her remarrying if he pops his clogs.

Bless him, I think it's naïveté rather than anything else. But fine. I feel better for saying it.

OP posts:
VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 18:19

Op he knows what he is doing. Go make a will then you will know.

He is playing you. He doesn't want to lose his crutch.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2016 18:20

I think you need a face-to-face talk with him when she isn't there, to be honest. He's being really silly to think that they'll die together (what does that even mean? Even in an accident one dies first) and that if he dies first that she will be fair, when she has shown no sign of this so far.

TendonQueen · 12/03/2016 18:22

If it's all such a normal standard married couple will making thing, why did he send OP a copy?

It's easy to blame evil stepmum, and the 'real grandchildren' thing is vile, but I would bet on what a pp said about him doing this to get a reaction. Think King Lear. OP is now supposed to do all sorts of supportive things to prove she really really loves him. Or play the straight talking daughter and end up cut out completely.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 18:22

Really sorry Scootering :(
I would persist over this or withdraw the emotional support. And i agree, he does know, really, what will happen later on :(

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 12/03/2016 18:22

VertigoNun it doesn't really matter if you believe me-my husband does and the feeling is entirely mutual. This will was easy and straightforward and fulfilled our first priority which was to protect one another.

Pp is correct that the OP's stepmother does not appear to have the same relationship as we have, which is what I alluded to when I asked about the sending of the will.

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 18:23

Op when I made my will I was asked who would inherit if my dc died before me. I said my parents. Then I was asked to put in another incase they died first and I need someone else. I didn't know the address and the solicitor said they wouldn't draft until I had an address.

To name just one person is something you do on purpose.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/03/2016 18:28

I think you need to keep that email to contest the will when he dies

Perhaps you could email back 'do the right thing? Do you expect stepmother will leave me your money when she dies?" (Or similar but better)

And then if he responds you've got even more evidence it was his intention

You are going to need it given what she sounds like

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 18:29

He has emailed again and said I mustn't worry as he trusts SM to do the right thing.

Oh dear. That's not good.

I would give it a couple of days, and then get him alone and ask if this is what the solicitor advised was fair..and suggest he goes to see a solicitor ON HIS OWN because they are so used to stepfamilies these days etc, etc.

Be strong.

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 18:33

Yes, yes, laurie is right of course re. evidence.

But contesting a will costs thousands :( and might not win. It would be better to encourage him to change it...

superbaghag · 12/03/2016 18:48

I'm a SM and my husband is a SF as we both came to this marriage with children from our first marriages and we then had another couple of children together. We have written our wills and left each other everything in love and trust that the estate will be shared amongst our children when the last one of us dies. If we both died then the estate is divided equally amongst all the children. The reason we haven't specifically left anything to any particular child is because we have no idea what is going to happen financially in the future to the surviving spouse or how long they will have to live off our estate. To chunk it up now and then have my husband or me survive on a much smaller pot for potentially 40 years seemed silly. The children will get whatever is left after we have both gone. It's not theirs, its ours.