To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

expat in our case the assets are held in trust, so no it can't be changed after either of them die. There are standard ways to make sure that both your new partner and your children are recipients of your fortune (or not in FIL's case, it's really just their house) that do not require anyone having to trust anyone else. I quite like FIL's partner but she doesn't feel that dh and his siblings and their children are her own family, it's just not how their relationship has panned out.

I couldn't tell if that post meant left within a (legal) trust or not - because if not it's leaving a huge amount to trust (i.e. the emotion not legal construct) which the same poster says is a bad idea.

Ha x posts!

Yes I didn't write my post very well. There were a few people earlier who described this option much more clearly than me and I meant to refer back to their posts. My point was just that there are ways to look after both your new spouse and protect your children too and they are not that unusual or complicated. It sounds as if the OP's father and step mother have just written reciprocal wills which don't really take into account the potentially different dynamics of step families.

Scootering

"He has emailed again and said I mustn't worry as he trusts SM to do the right thing. "

This is exactly what my friends father said to her when she queried why her deceased mothers £3million was willed to her SM. She and her siblings never saw a penny of it and were advised by solicitors that they had absolutely no grounds to challenge the will.

You see this as naivete OP, but I see it as a clear decision by your father. What you do about it in terms of the ongoing support you give him is up to you, but you know where you stand now.

There's no fool like an old fool!

My father remarried after my mothers death and everything will go to my stepmother and then presumably my step sister.

My father is in my opinion wrong ad our relationship is now weak although we do keep in touch.

You know what OP it's his loss. Don't pander to your fathers need for emotional support - don't give it. He is looking out for his family, you look out for yours.

Just as an aside about the dying together thing - when we made our wills we were told that if that were to happen, it would be deemed that the youngest of the two of us (in our case, me) would be the inheritor and then the inheritance distributed as per my will (which is academic to us (at present anyway) as our wills are mirrored). But obviously could still be a problem to OP unless the SM's will is in favour of all the children and not just her own.
Happy to be corrected if the above is not the case.

Saying that he trusts her to do the right thing is a way of signalling to you that he is happy with what he has done, and he will not carry any guilt about it, and he sees no issue with the will as it stands. This is so that when your SM leaves you nothing you will be forced to blame her, and not him. He has washed his hands of the matter. Sorry, OP.

SM has announced that you are not her 'real' family, so that's all there is to it.

It is a complete betrayal. Families get away with betraying each other because they're family. They expect that the bonds of family will ensure that they are forgiven for anything they do.

I'm Scottish and in Scottish Law this shouldn't happen. When my DM died there was something called a deed of variation which meant that my DM's money passed partly to me rather than my DF.

He is looking out for his family, you look out for yours.

This sums it up.

Next convo with him ask tell him he made himself clear he looks out for his family and you want to get back to your family now. Repeat until he goes away.

I have not read the whole thread so sorry for responding if this is a repeat... my mum (a widow) married her husband (also a widower) when I was 39 and his three sons were 39, 37 and 35.

On the day of the wedding they gave us each an envelope containing a cheque for £10K. We sat in stunned silence as they told us that they considered themselves to now have four chidlren (I am an only child) and that their estate was to be divided equally on their death between us all.

At the wedding supper his sons and I discussed this odd statement. We later discovered that it was the advice of a taxation speclialist who had advised that this was the best way to avoid inheritance tax. I spoke with all my new stepbrothers (totally stupid to call them this, we are middle aged adults but hey...) and we all agreed we would rather pay inheritance tax and get what our dead parents wanted us to have.

Our parents listened and eventually changed their wills and separated their finances. They realised that their mirror wills would not work in these circumstances.

Could your father have done something similar? Just wondering if it could have been a tax dodge that overlooked the possibility of her surviving him and taking everything for herself when the intention on his part might have been for her to leave it in equal parts to you and her children equally?

I'm actually glad that English law allows people to do as they wish with their property, and even disinherit their dc if they wish. I think it's perfectly reasonable to disinherit dc who have been nasty and neglectful, and only value their parents for the money they will inherit. And as many pp have said it's ok for people to spend their own money if they need/want to and leave nothing for the dc to inherit.

The problem is not with the law, but with this particular DF feeling that it's ok to disinherit his dc and gdc who love him and have been good to him and whom he still runs to for emotional support and even help sorting out his finances! Instead he has chosen to leave everything to the SM who feels the OP is not her 'real' family.

Nataleejah re "they've earned it" sometimes they have not, they have also inherited it, perhaps from their child's relative or grandparent.

Scootering re "This has come to a head today as I've been supporting him because an old relative of his died and I've been helping him sort out the will (which goes to him). And I keep thinking why I am helping him sort out 'family money' when it stops with him?"

So that would be an old relative of yours too?

It's crap OP. I would raise it with DF and make it plain if he doesn't take steps to clarify his wishes for you once he and SM are dead then you will in all likelihood receive nothing and that will be a comment on his feelings for you, whether he likes it or not.

My DF was similarly crap. Actually refused to write a will which , as he's ten years older, would have meant everything going to DSM (fine) and then by default her niece (not fine).

What's crap is that family ties fall away if there's a second marriage but then take precedence again once the survivor is widowed. It's just a cruel accidental outcome which comes about pretty often , as this thread shows, when useless fathers won't insist on their own children being taken into consideration once both partners are dead.

It is crap and it's definitely a commentary on the extent to which my father thinks about us. .

And just to clarify, he doesn't mean to disinherit us. It's just his lack of care on this point effectively disinherits us in favour of someone he barely knows.

I think it is important to remember here a few factors.

No one knows what they will be able to leave. My dear mum sold a house in London worth about 300K. But on her death was down to around the threshold of 23K having paid for her care in a private nursing home. It was absolutely her money to spend on her needs.

If there is no money to inherit I think everyone would totally understand that.

But we are not talking about no money to inherit!

And we are not talking about a step mum or a step dad being left with no funds to live on. It is the funds remaining after the parents and the step parents death, that is the issue! That the remaining person gets to decide and favour their own kids over their partners kids when the money was from within that family. That's the unjust thing. And a good solicitor could draw up a will which is both fair and makes provision for the remaining partner.

Its not even just the money. Without provision in the will, all possessions also belong to the spouse and pass out of the family
Its also a sign of carelessness and thoughtlessness at best towards kids

Exactly, Bombadier. I'm in my mid-40s, and a lot of my friends are starting to lose their parents. There have been some heartbreaking situations where children of the deceased have not even been allowed to have even a single photo, a piece of clothing, nothing at all. A friend of my sister's has been involved in an ugly legal battle with a half-sibling.

he doesn't mean to disinherit us. It's just his lack of care on this point effectively disinherits us in favour of someone he barely knows.

This too is the problem for OP. Leaving family members to 'do the right thing' without provision in the will is ok where the family is unified and has always been on the same page. Not where it is a blended family and the SM has already said who is and is not her 'real' family.

I've just realised I said 25% upthread when it's 1/3rd...blame too many painkillers and feeling like pish!

Totally agree kawliga. Especially if the parties who are expected to place such trust in the others have made it clear they're very unhappy with it. Either admit you don't care what happens later and own the choice to disinherit them or use the legal mechanisms in place to allow you to protect spouse and children (or whatever combo of people it is)

I believe that everyone is entitled to dispose of their worldly goods as they see fit. They can leave it to the dog if that's what they want. If OP's DF wanted to purposely disinherit his children, that is his right.

The problem here is that OP's DF does want his children to share in his estate. Or at least he's saying he does (his will to the contrary). That's why in this case I don't think the OP is being grabby or ungrateful to continue to pursue this (if she chooses). But I'd also feel that if my DF were to continue to say, over my concern and/or objections, that OP needs to 'trust her SM', then I'd feel perfectly justified in assuming that, since SM is so trustworthy, that she and her daughter can also be trusted take care of DF in his declining years.

I think its wrong of your dad to leave his wife everything espcially when she has. I would tell your dad

OP - what happens to the money if SM dies before your dad?