To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

When my dad died he left everything to my step mum. Including everything from our mum. She now has a new boyfriend. She'll be 80 in December.

I would say to your dad if she remarried are you ok with everything potentially going to a new husband? Does he want her to spend the rest of her life alone?

To stop my step mum accusing us of being grasping (really unjust we've never even asked for 50p) we've asked her to leave the estate equally between all the grandchildren? Thereby avoiding one lot of inheritance tax and giving all the 11 grandchildren (youngest 9, oldest 29) a decent head start.

Might this be an option?

You have to tell him that you are upset. It is the way you tell him. Do not tell him in front of sm!

OP, I think you need to say to him that given the nature of thefamily(children from different marriages, grandchildren etc) you think he should take the precaution of having his intentions drawn up in a will drafted by a solicitor.

As pp have said, there are ways to set up an estate so a spouse has use of it for life and then it goes to the children.

I would not be happy, the way it is set up now either side could unintentionally be disinherited.

I agree with quite a few of the posters. If your father telephones you for support, then sending you a copy of his Will is just an extension of his need to have you with him. Your relationship seems loving, the problem may lie with his second marriage

Go cautiously but react as he seems to be hoping. Suggest that he changes the Will to leave 50% to you 'for the grandchildren related to his first wife' and 50% to his second wife ''for the granchildren related to her".

In that way the apparent contest between her and you is minimised and his responsibilities are broadened hopefully in an acceptable way.

Good luck. Wills are tricky.

Yes, it is probably naivete and wanting to believe the best of people.

He might be having second thoughts though, you could say something about saving for DCs uni fees or something which means he could stick a sum into an account now for them, if he has a million a few tens of thousands wouldn't seem much.

When DM died, she left the majority of her estate to DB (a flat). I was too shocked to protest and DB squandered his inheritance and the flat was repossessed. I have almost nothing of DM's - about all I have left is a gravy boat and some photos. My 'half' of DM's moveable assets were some pots and pans, the piano and a display cabinet. The piano died of old age, and I had to sell the cabinet when I moved house, as there was no room for it. I wish now that I had said something at the time, but shock rendered me speechless. It isn't the monetary value - it was that DB blackmailed DM into doing that.

DF (parents were divorced) then split everything between me and DDs equally. I was rather hurt that, as his only child, I was no more or less important that my DDs. I told him so and he really couldn't see the problem at all. But then, he also told me that the only reason he agreed to have a child with my DM at all was so that he had someone to look after him in his old age! (DB is half-brother). He did change his will in the end, but this was just the last in a series of moves about his will that proved that he really didn't trust me to inherit whatever he had left to leave. Even the lawyer got shirty with him at the last but one change of his will, when he was leaving money to the DC, who would get it at 21, and leaving the money to me tied up so I could never touch it. Lawyer protested that this was draconian and DF changed his will. I don't think DF every understood why I should be hurt by his actions.

My will is clear - everything is split evenly between the DC and with a specific bequest for DGD.

Statistically - even if your Dh said " ok I agree not to challenge the will / claim my legal right " , I'm not sure how it could be proved later . Perhaps he woud need to sign something to say that he didn't wish to claim ? You'd need a legal opinion if that would be binding .

Unless FIL has loads of spare cash and is wealthy , he doesn't have much to worry about .Property doesn't count . All the costs of funeral and lawyer come off first.

And your dh would only get only a small share of the movable estate, the bairns part is split between all the siblings . for most ordinary people it's a no more that a few thousand .

I'm actually pretty shocked reading the general consensus on this thread TBH. Why on earth would anyone suggest going NC over this issue?! Why would you put money before family?

When you are disinherited, of course it's about the money. What else would it be about? At least your DF has told you of his intentions before his death. It often isn't that black and white!

My DM was horrified when her DF disinherited my brother and I, leaving everything to my cousins. I wasn't. Their logic was that my brother and I were far more intelligent and thus had a far greater earning potential. I actually admired their thought process as its true - they were leaving their money to those who needed it more. My cousins earn virtually minimum wage and none of them can afford to buy a property - yet my brother and I own our own houses (I have two) so actually, their thought process was spot on. It didn't show that they didn't care. It showed that they wanted their money to go to the people who needed it.

In my current situation, my house goes to my DH and vice versa - not to the children. The reason being that this will put us both in a better situation to care for the family. My DIS benefit goes to my DD because I know my step sons will inherit from their grandparents, and my DD won't. Does that make me an evil stepmother? I don't think so, because I know my step sons are accounted for elsewhere.

My DF remarried ten years ago (he's married to someone my age). He has a will; I have no interest in seeing the contents. If he leaves it to my SM then so be it - they have a LTR so that's HIS choice. I wouldn't be so selfish as to cause frictions over money. Ultimately your finances are your own responsibility and it would be crazy to rely on a theoretical inheritance!

And FYI, when the person does die, you won't want the fucking money anyway. It's tainted. My DM died very suddenly, aged 62, and intestate at Christmas (leaving me, 30, and my DB, 27) and it was the worst thing ever that I didn't know what her wishes were. I'd rather she had a will, even if I wasn't in it. So I'm in the position of having to guess what her wishes were and hoping I get it right.

Without knowing the exact financial circumstances of everyone involved, and how the estate is composed, it's impossible to judge the OPs DF as doing the wrong thing!

Yes, you should absolutely speak to him about it, regardless of the current state of things between you. Emotionally we experience a parent's will as their final judgement upon us. Any injustice experienced is likely to be devastating.

OP it's shit. My mother changed her will to leave almost everything to her sole biological grandchild, my nephew. This was a property she had solely inherited from my father as he died intestate (not in UK btw).
I had financially supported her for many years, one of my brothers had physically cared for her, and the other had included her on his medical aid and half killed himself driving her hundreds of miles for treatment when she became terminally ill.
The will also meant that she failed to acknowledge my my older nephew and niece, who my brother had brought up as his own children.
Oh and she got me to pay the costs of the will change.

I'm amazed at people saying it's not about the money, you should just be glad of your dad. He has offered you an absolutely massive fuck-you, why should you just suck it up?

Mummybex sorry about your mum
Your story is interesting
Your mum was upset.is it possible she saw it as favouritism then? The relationship with gparents is naturally less prone to sibling rivalry/favouritism feelings

Thank you Bombadier. It's been a horrible few months.

I guess my view on the subject is slightly tainted from having to go through a contentious probate when I was 18. It caused so many problems and it WAS about the money for the person trying to take the inheritance. It caused a year of stress and anxiety, particularly for my DM, so I guess my view now is that life is too short to bicker about money. Your relationship with your family is far more important, whatever their financial wishes.

And yes she probably did see it as favouritism. She was always a stubborn old mule who wouldn't listen to reason though, lol!

I wouldn't be so selfish as to cause frictions over money.

I hate that attitude. It's exactly how people get away with screwing people over.

Excellent first post MummyBex. I also have zero interest in knowing what's in my parent's will. Don't even like to think of it to be honest, and it's none of my business anyway. Even though I love them both and we're a close family, why on earth would I think i was 'entitled' to their money? They've done their bit for me as I was growing up. If I look after them in their old age it will be because i want to, and I won't expect a monetary reward for this. I can only hope they have the sense to enjoy every last penny for as long as they can.

Good for you HormonalHeap. Do you have step parents/siblings and a history of being treated less favourably than other family members so being disinherited would hold emotional significance?

Its also very good of you not to care about possessions, you knoe, the photos the clothes the jewellery. Cool. Good for you.

Hormonal, the op was sent the will- she didn't ask.

I'm sure she would be delighted if her dad enjoyed his recent and substantial inheritance- what a shame that despite his good fortune he has no for his loving and supportive dd to have the same.

Bex, how wonderful that you, with your superior intelligence and two houses, should advise someone who knows she is stuck working all hours in her job and tiny house for the rest of her life to not 'bicker'

Privelege, eh.

Does your Dad hold any sentimental photos, jewellry etc from his family or your mum's? Perhaps try and tease out what his intention is with saying "she would do the right thing", AND say how it would be sensible to direct these sentimental things to you directly "in case they are lost". If you can get him to consider a will edit (on grounds of sentimental items), then maybe encourage the dialogue of putting in what he would like to see happen down the track with other assets.

You are nbu

My friend's father did this recently and three of his four children aren't speaking to him now.

It's bizarre.

Kr1stina - I know DH & siblings saying something now wouldn't count. It's more that FIL seems really very desperate to get them to properly agree with him i.e. he seems to think that if we goes on about it enough and applies enough emotional blackmail they'll somehow become convinced that she's utterly trustworthy. The whole situation is odd and it's driving a huge wedge between them because he just won't drop it . It's causing a lot of hurt - unfortunately she is a genuinely unpleasant person who has already managed to ban us from staying in their home, spread hideous rumours about me and tried to severely rip us off financially (not will related).

From what I read I think the property element might actually be changing at some point, it was one of the points raised in some of the ongoing consultation documents I saw. Probably in recognition that it's become pretty common for people to own multiple properties now (i.e. BTLs) rather than there being one property that the person writing the will might not have wanted to see sold to split proceeds.

I don't know exact figures of course but yes I think it would be reasonable to estimate that FIL (and SMIL too as she had a lucrative career) is fairly wealthy and it's probably not a trivial sum. But tbh I'm not sure if his kids would sign over the right to 50p to her after the way she's treated all of us. I think it's easy for people to say oh, it's just money and it says nothing about how the person feels/how much they love you, but when you're on the receiving end it's just not that simple at all.

When you are disinherited, of course it's about the money. What else would it be about? At least your DF has told you of his intentions before his death. It often isn't that black and white!

Of course it's not just about the money. For many people being disinherited by a parent is extremely hurtful. My grandfather left my father and his siblings the same amount of money in his will because it was important to him to treat his children equally. He knew my father would vary the will and give his share to his siblings but he wasn't going to be the one to treat them differently.

Scootering I might have missed a post, but you say you have siblings. What do they think about it all? Would they support you? Do they have a relationship with your father that might help? If you all present a united front it might help him to see that he is upsetting his family? It might not get you anywhere of course. Many people are simply not very good at seeing things from others points of view, beyond their own mindset, and thus cannot see the effect their actions have on others. Property and money are some of the things that cause the most difficulties in families. Its not just about the money although we have to admit it's influence on us, but it so gives the message that your loves ones don't care enough about you to include you. I have felt that way for years about a property that was left by my grandparents in the family and left to my brother and sister, I understand the good intentions/reasoning at the time but I still feel rather sidelined and basically that I'm not as worthy a person, especially as I was not consulted, it was a fait accompli. My sister has not benefited either as our brother, struggling financially and health wise is living there. But that's my story, which is a digression, just to point out that unless things are done equally and discussed in advance with all parties, it can leave pain for years as Scootering and many others are sadly finding out. I do hope it resolves itself in a fairer way for you.

This situation happened to me three years ago . Except that I found out after not before .
I was hurt but friends told me that it is usual for a husband to leave the estate to the wife ?
I could have never raised it if I knew as he would have seen it as if I was after his money and he himself would have got offended .
I know it's hard .

If he trusts SM to do the right thing, then he can trust her to understand when he leaves her a life interest in the family home and an equal share of any cash, can't he?

Has he been there when she calls her own gc the "real" ones? Because there is a difference between being naive and being wilfully and conveniently blind.

Really sorry, OP. I am aghast that he sent you this, but at least you had the opportunity to raise it. And at least you can assume now that you won't be inheriting anything from him. Could you at least ask that anything of serious sentimental value be named in the will, so there is no dispute later? I'm afraid you can never, never underestimate how angry some grief-stricken people can be. Especially if there was prior resentment, as sounds here.