To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

My dad has shown me his will. His wife will inherit everything BUT after she has died it will be divided between myself, my brother and SM's brother. The reverse will happen if she dies first (sadly the likely case). Dad has let us know their plans so it was clear to everyone what's going to happen. He would never have dreamt of doing it any other way after his father left everything to his SM and she frittered pretty much all of it away. Upon her death SM tried to leave my dad out of any inheritance whilst including his twin sister and her children. Fortunately the children united after her death and redivided everything equally.
Your dad has let you know of his will for a reason. There are ways he could have negotiated this path without causing the harm that he has. Sadly if his aim was to hurt you then he has succeeded. I think you have to address the problem - it will clarify everything and allow you to continue whilst knowing his motives. Allowing the problem to fester will not get you anywhere.
All the best, this is a really tough situation.

What if SM remarries though? How can you be sure the man's children get anything particularly if she dies 20 years later and can say all the original money was used up and if things are complicated by her new spouse's money.
I think not leaving money specifically in a will to children you don't share with your spouse makes it extremely likely they'll end up with nothing.
I have children and stepchildren and if I die some money goes to my husband and some to my kids as otherwise it's likely they'll get nothing if my husband dies a lot of years later. Leaving someone with no biological connection to your kids to look after their best interests is disinheriting them.

Hi O.P.
I am sorry for your situation & have read some good posts upthread.
I think that your D.F probably is being naive here. ( I guess the other possibility is that he is keeping you on a leash hoping to ensure that you do not desert him but I am guessing/ hoping the former.)
I think you are not BU to feel upset - yes of course parents can leave money to whom they wish & if the sum involved is modest then first responsibility is to care for spouse ( SM) but I feel most parents would wish to acknowledge their own children in some way & as has been said legal trusts / codicils can be created to cater for such eventualities.
Our solicitor confirmed that if their is a car crash or similar with both spouses dying then the younger spouse is deemed to have died last , they inherit & then the estate is distributed according to their will ( in this case to SM's own children / grandchildren) We have gone down the "legal trust" route after death of first spouse to ensure funds preserved for DD in case of remarriage.

Even if a will has been created by your SM stating funds will be left to you & your siblings she could change this after your DF's death.

If I was you I would try & speak to your DF gently but firmly when SM not around & just point out that if he did wish his own children & grandchildren to inherit something (money or sentimental items) that the only way to ensure it is by it being stipulated in his will or by something being gifted before his death. I would also raise the scenario of SM remarrying & the pressures she might be put under by a new spouse. I understand your awkwardness to speak to him but he has already involved you by sending you a copy of the will. Perhaps your SM told him to do this or perhaps it was his idea to ensure she is not harrassed as some have said. I would try & avoid casting aspersions on your SM character but you may need to mention that she has already used the term "real GC"
Have you spoken to your siblings & if so what do they think?

I do not think you are being horrible & grasping. I am sure your DM would have liked some provision & some sentimental items to have been made available to her own children. Anything in the way of " chattels " also needs to be spelt out ( personal experience here as older sibling had purloined items claiming they were gifted & younger sibling & I decided not to contest it- at least I could tell myself my father had thought of me & wanted to be fair but was just a little short-sighted).

Hope you get some resolution & peace of mind scootering

When you are disinherited, of course it's about the money. What else would it be about?

A friend of mine's father died a few years ago. One of his children they are all in later life with adult children of their own is very rich indeed. The father had told them all after his wife died that his estate would be divided between them but the rich son asked that a line be added to say that he would pass his share on to the others as they would get more benefit from it. After he died they found out that the father had made a new will naming the other siblings as beneficiaries and not mentioning the son at all. He was terribly upset, even though the outcome was the same in terms of where the money went. They are a very close family and it was definitely thoughtless rather than intentional, but it still hurt.

I have money because I was taught from a very young age to be financially independent. Hence why I choose to work my backside off in a difficult job rather than sitting at home and accepting my lot, which would be the far easier option.

If you want a nice life, you have to work for it, not assume that your parents will leave everything to you when they die!

the rich son asked that a line be added to say that he would pass his share on to the others as they would get more benefit from it.

I'm sure he didn't mean to be taken literally. After all he could easily give his inheritance to his siblings as soon as he received it. Many people give away their inheritance to people they think deserve it more.

He probably just wanted to signal that he knew the others needed it more...little expecting to be disinherited altogether.

People are funny with wills.

Inheritance isn't about money. It's about the sentimental things. Those things that money cannot replace and remind you of that person. The photos. The little trinket.

Because the op is not named at all, there is a risk that she won't get these things. A silly little novelty that reminds her of her parents that the sm doesn't value the same way.

It matters not a jot what the SM might do, she will not leave you a bean when she dies.

You need to tell your father this. That you are not beholden to trust her at all, and, given how she treats you, you do not, so he has disinherited you.

*I have money because I was taught from a very young age to be financially independent. Hence why I choose to work my backside off in a difficult job rather than sitting at home and accepting my lot, which would be the far easier option.

If you want a nice life, you have to work for it, not assume that your parents will leave everything to you when they die!*

You know that just because someone is hurt by their parents choice it doesn't meant they don't do all of the above? As many posters have said it's often not about the monetary value but about what choosing to disinherit a child says to that child about how you feel about them, how you value them, and yes to an extent even how much you love them.

Mummybex, why so smug and superior?

It may be normal in your world that a father who is a millionaire (by inheritance!) would chose not to leave anything to his hard working yet skint daughter, but fortunately for most of us, that's unusual.

Do you still have a backside to sit on, Mummybex?

We don't know if the OP hasn't done the exact same thing.

Most parents want to leave something to their children, or give them things, yes, even money! They love them and want them to have the best and make their lives easier as much as they can.

Please speak to him about it or it'll fester, I'm so sorry for you, it must have be so upsetting. I can't see why your sm would object to his leaving 50% ie his share of the estate to his biological children. But then she sounds horrible, so guessing she would kick off. He's got to grow a pair, saying the gc aren't the real ones is hateful. You really must speak to him and presumably your siblings will be on board?

People can leave their money to whoever they like - no-one is 'entitled' to anything. And I say this as someone whose parent chose not to leave any of his money to me. It was his money, his choice, although initially very hurtful. I'm really shocked by how many people on here believe they are 'entitled'

Julius, he hasn't left her so much as a trinket of his and if he doesn't in his will or give it to her now, she will not even get that. How it is 'entitled' to want to be remembered by your own father? Most parents enjoy treating their children.

Why shocked julius? Its the social norm. Its pretty unusual not to, usually involving some unhealthy family dynamic with the golden child/black sheep dynamic, or the playing one off against another dynamic for instance. Its such a social norm that it is written into law in many countries.

I would have less of a problem with my dad leaving his money to the cats home than leaving it to my DSM's niece by accident. It's the capriciousness of one set of family ties trumping another (even when, as in our case, the family ties that win aren't even close - it's auntie to niece) that is so galling.

In this family there is actually a close relationship between OP and her DF. In fact her DF relies on her for emotional support and she also helps him sort out his financial affairs. Also, he is saying he wants her to inherit, but that he trusts his wife to do the right thing. So he is disinheriting her from carelessness/burying his head in the sand and not wanting to upset his wife. The wife has said she doesn't consider OP her 'real' family.

There, that's a summary of the thread for mummybex and Julius as their comments about 'entitlement' suggest they don't know OP's story.

It's also the social norm for a husband to leave his estate to his wife, In This case someone he has been married to for over 20 years.

My DH has been married before and has grown up children. We have also been married for 20 years and during that time have had ups and downs, times when we have been well off and times when we have struggled. Our wills leave everything to each other. However in my will is a clause, that my DH and I discussed and agreed on, and that he felt was important, that says that in the event of my death (assume he dies first and I inherit) a minimum of 75% goes to his children. In fact they will get all of it. And if I die first he gets all of my money with no conditions and if he wants to leave it all to my stepchildren that's fine by me.

It may be that his wife is making future provision for her stepchildren and to say that the OP won't even get a trinket is unknown. It's not mentioned in his will but if anything happened to my DH I would immediately give his son his signet ring and his - quite valuable - watches. I know it's what he would want.

I'm not saying it's as clear cut here but I still believe that people are free to do with their money as they wish.

Julius your will reflects the sort of thing one would expect a parent to do. The issue is around the parents who don't do what you've done and expect children to feel at ease with their parent's money going to a random second cousin. It hurts.

So you are actually following social norms that money goes down the generations? Not leaving it all to the cats home then? How surprisingly conventional.

Julius it is very clear that this SM has no intention of leaving anything to OP. She has already said she doesn't consider OPs dcs to be the 'real' dcs, even though the dcs really love her! I find that cruel, tbh, and it would be stupid to say maybe later she will change her mind and do the right thing. She won't. Also, it is clear what the DF's wish in this case is - he wants OP to inherit but he's assuming that his wife will do the right thing. Which she clearly won't. This is completely different from your situation.

Backingvocals, that is a fair point, and I agree with you. I hadn't looked at it from that perspective.

And you're right it does hurt, but it isn't about the money. My father left his money to one of my siblings, excluding the other two. I didn't care about the money (and the circumstances were quite complicated) but the shock and feeling of being unloved when I found out after the funeral took me a long time to come to terms with.

Ironically just before he died I was the one he turned to to help him and look after him on his deathbed. As time has gone by knowing that has helped a lot. The money meant nothing, it was about being loved.

I'm really sorry it happened to you too julius and you are right - it is the emotion attached to it. Very very few people would be interested in the money for its own sake. Its about what it says about love and care
Ops parent is being very careless with his love and care imo

Apologies, I didn't mean to derail this thread and make it about me...

A lot of people make mirror wills or wills that leave everything to a spouse or another 'trusted' person and relies on that person to do the right thing and look after everyone else BUT they don't seem to realise or appreciate that once they are gone this person can do whatever they like - this becomes THEIR money. And, unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. What seemed right then can change and step parents or trusted siblings/relatives/friends' priorities change. Then so do their wills.
If you want your money/property to go to specific people, you must say so. DO NOT rely on anyone else to carry out your unwritten wishes. Leave everything to your spouse, if you want to. But state that in the event of their death, or remarriage, x amount goes to y person. See a lawyer & sort it while you can.
By the way, I am NOT a lawyer!