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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

309 replies

Scootering · 12/03/2016 13:54

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 14:57

Lambzig - how could she tell you you are not family?!

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 14:58

But she doesn't have to suck it up.

She firstly needs to clarify his intentions and ask him why. And then she can decide if she wants to have a relationship with him any longer. I would suggest not to. Sod being the emotional support for a father who'd do that to his daughter.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 12/03/2016 14:59

What have you decided to do, OP?

littleleftie · 12/03/2016 15:00

I agree helmet sorry - I meant legally she would have to suck it up.

I would be terribly hurt in OPs shoes.

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 15:01

Ah yes I agree with you too!

Trollicking · 12/03/2016 15:06

The Dad is allowed to leave his will to whoever he wants

The OP is allowed to feel pissed off about it.

teatowel · 12/03/2016 15:09

Horrible and unfair and completely unjustifiable if the second marriage was after the death of a first wife. The first wifes assets should go to her children and not be passed to the new family. We need to make sure that our wills are written to make it impossible for our spouses to write out our children on remarriage to 'wicked' step parents!

velidhu · 12/03/2016 15:11

I agree that you need to talk to him about it and tell him how hurt you feel. He might not accept that (MIL certainly didn't) and make you feel that you are avaricious rather than the fact that you feel totally rejected by him. Be prepared for that...it's hard to continue being emotionally and practically supportive to someone who doesn't seem to give much though to your feelings though. No step family scenario here but DH suffers much thoughtlessness by MIL in favour of the youngest sibling. The latest has been a cash gift of £80K to the favoured adult child. The other 2 siblings verbalised their hurt feelings to MIL and got accused of petty jealousy! Growing distance is the consequence in our case.

EmGee · 12/03/2016 15:19

I think you are allowed to feel upset by this regardless of the argument that your dad can leave his will to whomever he wishes.

My mum and brother were left nothing by their DF - everything was left to their step-mother. However when she died (20-odd years later), they received an inheritance. Apparently my GF had stipulated that upon her death, the estate was to be shared between my mum, her full brother and their half brother. That was a rather nice surprise for my mum.

The law in France (where I live) protects the children so you cannot choose who to leave your estate to - it has to be divided up between your children with a part being reserved for the spouse. If there are no children, the 'parts' are passed on to surviving parents, siblings, aunts, uncles etc. It is precisely to prevent the kind of situation you have found yourself in.

Upsetting for sure. I really can't understand your dad. Hope you find the words to ask him about it. Not much you can do about it though.

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 15:21

I think he did that to get a kick out of your reaction. He uses you as his emotional crutch. He is upping the stakes.

GrumpyOldBag · 12/03/2016 15:22

You and your siblings should arrange a face to face meeting with him to discuss it.

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 15:24

I advise to go against the grain here.

A face to face will mean he is either a spiteful shit or a spineless shit wanting you to sort out his mess.

I wouldn't waste anymore tears on him, he is cruel.

ClarenceTheLion · 12/03/2016 15:35

He leans on you for emotional support yet lets his wife demean you and has cut you out of his will.

To be honest, I'd take that as a cue to cut him out of your life. What do you get from this relationship that is healthy?

Original poster
Scootering · 12/03/2016 15:35

Hi all

Thank you. This has been very helpful. I have been feeling very hurt.

I have emailed him. I focused on how hurt I felt and while I understood the pressures he was under I didn't understand why he wanted to disinherit me and my siblings.

This has come to a head today as I've been supporting him because an old relative of his died and I've been helping him sort out the will (which goes to him). And I keep thinking why I am helping him sort out 'family money' when it stops with him?

I don't want to hurt him but he has made a very extreme statement - whether he realises or not. I couldn't let it stay unsaid.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Nataleejah · 12/03/2016 15:37

I can see both sides. And i am not sure if a sincere conversation is possible. I think its a smartest thing if parents give something to their children while they are alive and keep the rest all to themselves -- cruise around the world, donate to Greenpeace, whatever. They earned it.
its horrid to think that a parent's death should be solving the children's financial difficulties.

Platelet · 12/03/2016 15:42

The cap on care fees is not £72k. It has been postponed until 2020 and it may not even come in then. It is currently £23,250

AyeAmarok · 12/03/2016 15:45

Good that you have said your piece. Now what he decides to do with that is up to him.

He knows it upsets you, he knows his wife will be upset the other way. He can either side with both (share it between you all) or continue to be spineless.

But at least you'll know you gave him the chance.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2016 15:48

'But she doesn't have to suck it up.

She firstly needs to clarify his intentions and ask him why. And then she can decide if she wants to have a relationship with him any longer. I would suggest not to. Sod being the emotional support for a father who'd do that to his daughter.'

I would email or message him along the lines of what others suggested, why did you send me this?

Get over to the Stately Homes threads. Your father sounds like a spineless git who leeches off you emotionally whilst letting his wife control him, then fucks you over.

'Teh real grandchildren'?

You don't need this.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 12/03/2016 15:48

What other side can you see that no one else can see Nataleejah?

expatinscotland · 12/03/2016 15:51

'I don't want to hurt him'

He doesn't seem bothered about hurting you.

Yeah, you gave him the chance.

I think it's shitty to disinherit your own children who have been nothing but kind to you.

It's a shitty thing to do. And then expect them to help you out?

fastdaytears · 12/03/2016 15:53

If he died without having a will isn't this what would happen with his money anyway

No, not if the estate is £1m (I'm assuming OP is in England/Wales)

OP what does the will say would happen if SM had died? Would you inherit then? It's not great but they might have agreed together that they'd leave everything between their kids on the second death.

EverybodyHatesATourist · 12/03/2016 15:54

DropYourSword you can be 'tenants in common' rather than joint tenants, so that each parent only owns 50% of the house and can will their 50% to whomever they like. The remaining spouse has lifetime interest in the property which means it cannot be sold until their own death. It also means that if one spouse needs to go into a care home the other person's 50% cannot be touched for fees.
So for example the husband dies first, leaves his 50% to his/ their children. His wife stays in the property until her death, then the remaining 50% passes to her/ their children.

NewLife4Me · 12/03/2016 15:55

Has anybody suggested it might be a way of showing you his will was made under duress.
If this is completely out of character for him, and it seems like smil has orchestrated this, he could be very sad, or even scared of her.
I'd speak to him alone and get the real reason.
This must be so upsetting for you.

GreyBonnet · 12/03/2016 15:58

I'm glad you've got this out there with your DF, Scooter - if his actions have hurt you, it is a perfectly reasonable and honest response to let him know that.

It might be because the estate is now £1m+, but I suspect that this Will has turned up precisely because your DF is working with you on the 'family money'. He has inherited funds, and is thinking about wills etc - alarm bells have gone off with your SM and she has moved to guard against any chance that your DF might consider doing anything to divert the flow of all funds directly to her (and her real grandchildren). This certainly is meant as a very clear message to you - from your SM.

But stay on your guard as sadly I think she might also go on to use your - perfectly reasonable - response to your DF to claim that your only interest in him is financial; that you only give him all this help because you are after the money. And now you are going 'claim' to be 'hurt' and cut him off because it has been made clear to you that there is no money. So don't allow any conversation over your feelings drift anywhere close to suggesting that you are not going to carry on supporting him just as you always have. Because then she wins both ways - you'll appear to be as black as she's painted you.

Sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

Original poster
Scootering · 12/03/2016 15:59

Well I got a very curt response back, saying of course it will all go to SM unless they die together when it is split between all their children.

He doesn't get it does he? I just want to leave it now...

OP posts: