To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

[annandale]

why is it 'horrid' nataleejah? It's not the death, it's the inheritance that will have done something for the children.

Wills are awful. I wish we had the French system here tbh. I have known people who were the only two people who could possibly have loved a person who died unexpectedly - thanks to horrific will shenanigans and lawsuits they will never speak again. I agree with those who think that he has probably shown it to you hoping to avoid a big shock and fight after his death. I'm glad you've said something though.

[VertigoNun]

Let the daft man lose you op, his loss living with the wife he chose giving her the money was his choice. He isn't going to live long now, she will give him lots of fry ups etc from now on.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I think it is quite normal for everything to go to the spouse in the first instance. What is important for you to know, op, is what is in your stepmother's will?

[Kidnapped]

You could ask him if he is cutting you out of his life completely, or is it just the will that he is cutting you out of?

Then he'd actually have to respond along the lines of "I want to be involved with your life but I don't want you to inherit a penny of my money" and it might make him stop and think.

Wouldn't hold my breath though.

[EssentialHummus]

"when it is split between all their children."

Does he understand that if he dies before stepmum, his estate will fall to her and he is then relying on stepmum to make provision for you in her amended will, or choose to leave it to her own DC?

Ie, is he being dense or malicious? Does his reply clarify that at all?

[annandale]

I think you're right to leave it for a bit now. He might think about it in the future.

[Potatoface2]

i would just mention the fact that you are not bothered about him leaving you anything but you are upset that he hasnt left anything to his REAL grandchildren!

[teatowel]

I would have to reply to remind him that it will only be split between all the children if that is what SM will says. He sounds as though he has a rosy idea of life where everybody is going to play fair.

[bloodyteenagers]

I would email back - your will is not clear then because as worded at the moment she gets everything and when she dies, any money intended to come to us doesn't have to brother and I aren't named.
If you want brother and I to inherit, in the same way you have from uncle X them I strongly advice you get legal advice.

It could be she has convinced him she will do good. But as we all know word doesn't mean a thing

[catsrus]

Is this a DIY will if one drawn up by a solicitor? In my experience solicitors are at pains to point out the consequences of this kind of will, so if it's been legally drawn up then he will have been told what will happen should he die first. If it's a DIY will then he may not realise how he could allow the SM to continue benefiting from the estate but still make sure his DC benefited after her death.

[VertigoNun]

His solicitor will have explained all that, he is doing it on purpose. Op needs to go to the stately homes threads.

[greencottage]

Look hold on a minute, there could indeed be another side to this.
I am the step-mum in a 15 year marriage. I brought 2 DC to the marriage and so did he. For 20 years we have built our financial base together, both paid the mortgage and made investments, and both contributed more or less equally financially, practically and emotionally to a very happy, enduring and successful relationship. He put more equity in at the beginning, but I lumped in an inheritance later.
Our wills leave everything to each other, because we each want the other to enjoy the standard of living we have worked hard to create together. And we are in accord and complete trust that on the death of the surviving spouse, the inheritance will be equally between our four children.
This is not explicitly said in the wills but is an inviolable trust between us. I would never disinherit my step-DC even though (because of current health issues) I am likely to die a long time after my DH.
What the OP's father is doing may well be similar. You shouldn't assume the SM is an evil witch who has contributed nothing and who plans to disinherit the OP eventually.
When my DH was extremely ill recently I had exactly this conversation with my DSC to tell them that I would always honour their DF wishes in the future.

[VertigoNun]

Greencottage, do you make comments about real grandchildren?

[Orda1]

I don't see what's so odd here, surely all wills go to their spouse first?

[greencottage]

Ah no, obviously not.

[LuluJakey1]

The thing is that unless he leaves you his money directly when he dies, there is nothing you can do. Another poster said something about her mother and step father and 'mirror' wills - everything left to each other and then divided between children once both dead.
However, once a spouse dies, the other spouse can do as they like with the money and leave it to whom they choose.

My aunt and uncle had no children. Their wills said the money went first to the one still living and when he/ she died it would be divided between 5 nieces/nephews. She died first and he changed his will and left it entirely to his nephew.

Same thing happened with another aunt. She and her husband had one daughter. Aunt died 5 years ago, everything went to uncle with the intention it would go to daughter. Uncle re-married within a year at 76, died last year and left the money to his 2nd wife saying it would go to his daughter eventually. She has told my cousin she will be leaving the money to her son. So my cousin who had a wonderful relationship with her parents and was expecting to inherit almost £500,000 will get nothing. She has seen a solicitor who said there is nothing that can be done.

[8reasonstohide]

I'm glad you have contacted him about it. Not doing so, does absolutely nothing for your worry and curiosity and would eventually eat away at you.

Does you father know how mean and spiteful your stepmother can be towards you - directly and indirectly? You say he can be thoughtless at times and maybe he doesn't realise. He MAY believe that his wife would then split the inheritance between all children when 'the time comes' but going from what you have said, this seems unlikely.

If this was me, I would simply ask WHY has he given you a copy of the Will. I wouldn't mention about not being mentioned in the Will at all and wait until his response before deciding how best to further the conversation.

But if my dad did that (and he probably will because we're not in contact - his choice), I would be taking a VERY large step back and allow him to fall back on his wife and her/their children. It sounds like you are closer to him, than he is to you. Sadly, this happens a lot. I have that experience with my estranged brother.

[VertigoNun]

I don't believe these people trust their spouse nonsense, they know full well the nature of their spouse. I think they are nasty fuckers who hide at all costs who they are. Solicitors explain things very carefully when you make a will.

[Millymollymoo8]

God I think people are nieve as to how money grabbing their spouse/ child will be.

My friends mums partner died and his children ignored all his wishes and turfed her out. ( no legal will but he wrote it all down and spoke to them) he just expected them to honour his wishes.

Just pop a message back clearly stating that you will never see a penny from the estate if he leaves it to his new wife. That you realises that that is his choice to make but actually you need some time to digest that as you feel betrayed. Then take a massive step back from him.

[lorelei9]

Scootering, does that mean he thinks he has set it up, or he believes it's a given, that your stepmother will divide it between all their children?

I have been pondering this. When one of my parents goes, the inheritance goes to the other, then to myself and my DS. I suppose someone like your dad might say that if I trust the second parent to leave everything to me and DS, you should trust your stepmother to leave everything equally divided between all the children?

but I think that's an unfair assumption, it has to at least be discussed. No one wants to assume they will be left money. I wouldn't assume it myself except my folks and I discussed wills for various reasons.

[HermioneWeasley]

I don't think he gets it?

I would have one more go at explaining that he has disinherited you and your siblings and ask if that is what he intended. If it is you can then make your decision about what relationship you want with him going forward.

[Millymollymoo8]

You can protect a portion of you estate for your children. My aunt did just this when she died.
She left her half to the children and when my uncle sold the house, they got a chunk of money. ( she knew he would piss it up the wall)

[VertigoNun]

The same with men who pretend to the wife she will be ok, they know what they are doing. My solicitor told me write funeral instructions separate and leave with the will, that it's not legally binding etc, it's to give guidance.

[Dellarobia]

His answer is bizarre. It seems to imply he does want the money to go to you and your siblings after he and SM are both dead. Is it possible he hasn't realised that isn't what will happen?

[Arborea]

Platelet, £23,250 isn't a cap on care fees: it's what you have to have spent down to before the state will contribute to the cost of your care.

But you're right that the care cap isn't going to be introduced any time soon.