To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

[oneDtwoD]

I wouldn't automatically assume that he did it to intentionally upset you. I'm an only child (with no step parents) and have what i think is a reasonable relationship with my parents. But they decided to leave their estate to someone other than me. When my mum died my dad showed me their wills so that i was aware of what was coming (or in my case not coming) in the future. I don't think he had considered that i might find it hurtful.

It's your Dad's money and he can do with it whatever he wishes, you're not entitled to anything. If you tell him you're upset, is this likely to lead to some big family fallout? I chose to kept silent about my parent's choices because it's not my place to tell Dad what to do with his money and I'd prefer to have a good relationship with him now than his money when he's dead.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Can hardly believe my eyes! I have a couple of posts on a thread I started about something else - about almost exactly the same situation.

To you, op, I would say be very brave and do or say something. I was a bit gobsmacked when I was told about the changes in my ddad's will by my stepmother, and I didn't do anything about it. He died a year later and I really do wish I had responded in some way.

I would also say the same to you, Lambzig.

[pilpiloni]

I would have been devastated if my dad had done that. Also had SM situation but my dad always made it clear my and my db were the ones he'd worked his whole life for. He provided for SM in her lifetime but not for her to leave to her own children.

Yanbu. It's not the money, it's the intention and it undermines the whole premise of your relationship where you assume your dad is looking out for you.

[SilverBirchWithout]

If he died without having a will isn't this what would happen with his money anyway?

it's hurtful, but it's his money to do with as he wishes. At least he (and you) can now have a relationship that is not based around an expected inheritance.

[Lambzig]

Oh yes and huge emotional support given to both of them, particularly since his illness. He also inherited all of my mothers money.

Oh, I am getting upset now, it's just not worth it.

[lorelei9]

Squeegle "It is convention to leave your children your money; he is going against the grain."

I wouldn't say that to him OP - as a childfree single woman I'm probably an outrage

but seriously, him leaving you out of the will is like me leaving out my best mate or my sister - I lean on them for whatever I need, if I left all my money (such as it is) to a charity or something and didn't leave a penny for them, I think they'd be entitled to be pissed off too.

[Helmetbymidnight]

You HAVE to talk to him :(

And if he says that's really what he wants I would say I'm broken hearted and I don't want to see you ever again.

[EweAreHere]

Oh, and btw, he's a fing coward for doing this. He's more afraid of MIL leaving him and having an easier life himself then doing right by his own children, children he brought into the world. Fing coward.

[Wheelerdeeler]

Is there a chance he sent it, so you'd be upset and he'd tell his wife that he had to change if to include you? He might need the push to over rule her

[Italiangreyhound]

Scootering oh that is utter crap, I am very sorry for you. Please tell him how you feel. My Mum just died after a long illness and made provision with what she had for me, my sis and our kids. Once someone s gone you just cant go back and say, actually I meant to say this....

Of course it is his money to do with as he sees fit, but what he is proposing is unnecessarily cruel and heartless. The fact his wife is willing to go along with this (if she is) is totally unacceptable. If someone wanted to leave me a million pounds I was not entitled to, i would share it. I think she should be speaking to him about it!

This is NOT just about money, it is about who you care about and he is signalling that your feelings do not matter to him. Does he have some axe to grind?

Re I'm worried that mentioning it might upset him... But I don't know why he's told me this now. He is always telephoning me for emotional support etc. I suspect he will say that my step mum would be upset if he changed it.

Why are you worried about upsetting him. he is upsetting you and disinheriting you! He needs to know that this is very cruel and unacceptable behaviour. I am guessing that this is a way to manipulate you in some way. (IMHO). Is this a way to do that, do you think?

Absolutely agree with wiltingfast re "You could also ask him what he thinks your mother would feel if she saw how he was disinheriting the children they had together."

I think you need to have this conversation with him and your step mother not there! Possibly face to face.


Lambzig re "My dad has done this. He will almost certainly die first now. Step-mother doesn't have children, but has left everything to her niece. It does annoy me, particularly when they go on about how much they adore the grandchildren - the ones that they have disinherited, but what can you do?" that is appalling, I would have to say that that is unacceptable. It is not about money it is about who you choose to give what you have to. be it a little or a lot. It is plain cruel. I agree with GabiSolis I would challenge this now. Once they are gone, they are gone. Does he know how cruel it is that his wife niece will inherit his money and not his own child/ren and granchild/ren!!!!

I feel some people just do not see that what they choose to do with their will does affect how they will be viewed, both in life and death. How very sad.

[Inertia]

I think you need to talk to him , and ask him why he's sent you a copy of the will as it apparently has nothing to do with you. Is the plan to disinherit you and your siblings to be taken as a hint that he no longer wants you all in his life at all?

[DropYourSword]

Ok, I'm sure I'll be shot down for this, but looking at it from a slightly different angle...I haven't seen my parents will but I'd assume they'd leave everything to each other. If me or my sister were named for the estate to be split 3 ways, wouldn't that mean that the surviving spouse could potentially be kicked out of their own house so me and my sister got our 'share'? Happy to be told otherwise though. He has been with her the past 20 years, maybe he's just not thought this through further. I can't believe that one of the first posters has decided that your DH is 'a cock' based on this
Also, it's never a good idea to live your life expecting any inheritance. I'm certainly not, my parents may very well need that money for care homes etc. It sucks if you're not in a financially secure position, but you're the only one to take responsibility for it.

[SouthWesterlyWinds]

Tell him. Quit pro quo. If he leans on you for emotional support then he needs to do the same. Ask him outright, otherwise it will eat you up inside.

[ConferencePear]

I think your father is being extremely unfair. He would not be allowed to do this in some other countries including France.
I agree with inertia. I would take it as a sign that you and your children mean nothing to him.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Don't accept it op.

[Justaboy]

My daughters are all in my will they're are no other beneficiaries but as to you Op I think your dad is being very mean even 50 or a 100K would make a life changing difference to you. Best to call and see him and then raise the subject to see why he's done that, course he doesn't have to consider you at all BUT i am not a lawyer but sometimes I think you can appeal a will after all he is your father surely you have some right any Lawyers on the board?.

[Trollicking]

I think you should talk to him as soon as possible and the fact he has sent you a copy of the will is a good opportunity.

[bloodyteenagers]

I would mention it.
If you didn't want us in your life anymore, then you should have had the balls to tell us to our faces, rather than doing it the cowards way and sending copies of your will out. At least I know where I stand in your life. No-where. Nice to know how my father really feels about his children. Although wish you would have owned up to this years ago instead of using me as your emotional crutch.

Yes he is free to leave everything to who he wants. But it's a nasty thing to do when you haven't gone non contact with that person.

[TheBouquets]

I think that the houses go to the surviving spouse even if that is the step parent as long as they are actually married. There is a proportion usually that can be claimed as the legal children of the deceased (I am not sure if all countries have this). The first dead spouse could leave their share of the house to the children with liferent to the surviving spouse to ensure that they are safe in the house until their death then the other share could go to the children.
In my position my feelings are that the person writing the will should chose where their money goes and it should not be set out by lawyers wo do not know about each families' situation (and squabbles)

[lorelei9]

DropYourSword "Ok, I'm sure I'll be shot down for this, but looking at it from a slightly different angle...I haven't seen my parents will but I'd assume they'd leave everything to each other."

yes, this is often what happens when there's one marriage and one set of children.

the trouble here is that the stepmother is not likely to leave any provision for the OP, a child who isn't hers. I mean, we can't know for sure, but many step situations give money to the child immediately upon death of the parent in order to avoid the problem of them being omitted later.

I know people who have accounted for their children's legacy while doing a divorce settlement - because the fear of a partner having children with someone else and then leaving it all to them is so common.

it is possible the father here thinks his wife will divided it equally between all children I suppose....

[MissBattleaxe]

Yes, definitely speak to him. If you haven't fallen out or anything then it's quite odd that he has left you out. Don't worry about offending him- he is being quite offensive himself!

[littleleftie]

Hmmmmm,

Well, firstly, your father is perfectly at liberty to leave his estate to anyone he chooses - I am sure we all know of people who have been disinherited in favour of the local cats home/whatever. I don't think you would be able to contest it unless you could prove he wasn't of sound mind, but he has left all his money to his wife so, frankly, you will have to suck it up.

It is really strange to me that he sent you a copy of his will. What reason did he give for doing this? I agree with PP that he meant to upset you, there can't really be an alternative explanation can there?

A friend of mine had a similar situation involving £3 million (which had originated from her deceased mothers estate) which was left to stepmother by her father. Stepmother naturally left it all to her own DC when she died and my friend got nothing. She had no case to take to court.

It's very hurtful but ultimately your father has told you where his priorities lie and it's not with you. I think you would be well within your rights to react accordingly, which makes me wonder what kind of sick game he is playing really.

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

It's weird that he sent you the will. Perhaps he was trying to ensure you could raise any issues you have with it while everyone is still around for the discussion.

I personally just want my parents to be wealthy enough to afford their own care in old age. The cap on care fees is £72,000 per person, so £144,000 of their joint estate will go on care fees anyway in all likelihood. People sell properties and empty savings accounts to pay for elderly care. Will there even be anything left to inherit should they need more help in the future, dementia or Alzheimer's care is really expensive.

[CamboricumMinor]

My father has done something similar. I have two older half-brothers, he has split his will 50-50 between them both, he's sent me a copy of his will because he didn't want me to be upset by finding out after he's passed away.

[CalicoBlue]

I can see that you would be upset. Not sure why he sent it to you, other than to have a conversation about it.

My DF did this, left everything to DSM. She has told me that she will leave it all to the child they have together and her DD from a previous marriage. There is very little to argue about, but it is the principle that a lot of my DF's estate was from my DGM. I have gone nc with DSM. DF died 18 months ago.

My DM and her husband have been much fairer. They each leave everything to each other and then when the last one dies, the estate is divided amongst the 4 kids, 2 my DM's and 2 my DSF's.

I would suggest as others have, speaking to him. Fine that he wants to look after his wife, but what about when she is gone. Then the estate should revert to his family or be split with her DD.