To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

[Scootering]

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

[Helmetbymidnight]

I would have one more go at explaining that he has disinherited you and your siblings and ask if that is what he intended. If it is you can then make your decision about what relationship you want with him going forward.

I would too. Make it clear what he is doing to you - fucking you over - there is still an outside chance he doesn't realise or he hasn't thought about other options - and then if he insists he WANTS to disinherit you, then I'm afraid the best option is to fuck HIM over. What do your siblings think?

[Platelet]

Sorry, that's what I meant, in a roundabout way. I was replying to a poster who said that the care cap was now £72k. I knew it had been postponed.

[0phelia]

He is naively assuming your SM will amend her will and divide it all equally between her bio children and non-bio children.

OP, is there a reason for believing this won't be the case?

Can't you explain it's unlikely to be divided up equally once left in the hands of your SM?

[0phelia]

Maybe your SM will actually divide it equally in her own will.

[0phelia]

What if she dies first??

[Helmetbymidnight]

Don't leave it, op.

I know you feel sick with it now, but it will get worse if you can't get him to clarify his intentions.

Plus, he fecking started it!

[JolseBaby]

I would email back:

Why are you sending me a will that I am not named in, then replying that whatever you leave behind will be split between 'your' children? I am your daughter, don't I count? I didn't email you because I was worried about not inheriting anything. I emailed you because I wanted you to know how hurtful it was that you sent me something like this, where you haven't included me at all. We speak regularly and you use me for emotional support, yet you seem blind to the fact that by doing this you are sending a message that you don't consider me to be 'family' to you, and that by having a second family you consider me as being second best

[amarmai]

i wd ask for a gift of $$$ now to help with your mortgage etc -that will not affect the will and it's up to your father what he does with his money now and after . In fact he can avoid dispute if he and you can arrange this between yourselves.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I would just say something like, So let's be clear, you have decided to disinherit me and siblings?

[Readysteadyknit]

greencottage - Our wills leave everything to each other, because we each want the other to enjoy the standard of living we have worked hard to create together. And we are in accord and complete trust that on the death of the surviving spouse, the inheritance will be equally between our four children.

A friend's DH was disinherited under a similar will. His DF died and 2 weeks later his SM died - everything went to her children and he and his sister received nothing. Whatever his SM's intention, she had not updated her will in the short period between his death and her death.

[lorelei9]

Ready makes an excellent point

unless SM has already made a will with OP in it, if there was a short period in between 2 deaths, SM's daughter would get everything and OP nothing.

the more I think about this, the more I think OP dad had assumed that SM will give OP her share.

[Vandree]

In all fairness he is right to leave his estate to his wife. They are married, have joint finances and a joint life so why should her quality of life suffer when her spouse has died. Even if she is elderly she will need money to live the rest of her years in comfort in her own home. Once you became an adult he was no longer financially responsible for you, but as a married couple they are financially responsible for each other. Most people save for retirement and their old age so they are comfortable enough to not have to go into a nursing home unless its really necessary. You df I am sure is hoping that should the worst happen his wife is provided for. If he starts dividing up the estate after his death he is taking money out of his wifes pocket really. If she inherits her husbands estate and there is equity left when she dies then of course it should be divided between you and your siblings. She may not feel the same way but thats on her conscience.

To be very honest the equity of your fathers estate should of course benefit his partner not you. In an ideal world the equity for his estate wont be released until his wife has also died if there is anything left.

[OvertiredandConfused]

If they died together do you get a share then?

I wonder if he naively assumes evil SM would include you in her will if he dies first because he's promised to do the same. Just a thought - not an excuse or justification

[RandomMess]

I would reply back tbh

"I am really hurt and upset because if you die first, anything left when SM dies will go to her DD alone; me and x will never receive anything and it feels like you don't care about us at all. I had always assumed that anything left after you both died would be split between all of us equally however that is clearly not the case"

He really does need it spelling out I'm afraid - why you are upset, and what will happen unless he stipulates his will differently.

[fastdaytears]

Whatever his SM's intention, she had not updated her will in the short period between his death and her death

That makes no sense because ordinarily these sort of wills would say I give everything to my husband or if he has died before me to my three daughters and his four sons or whatever. It would be really odd for the solicitor just to stop and the first of those and then sort it out after the first death.

I don't think the OP has said what the will says should happen if SM doesn't survive. If there's nothing in there then very bizarre. If there is then the chances are that SM's will says the same. Nothing to say she won't change it obviously so the arrangement is far from ideal.

[fastdaytears]

anything left when SM dies will go to her DD alone

I think this will need more explaining to the father because from the OP's description of the will there's no indication that this would be true. It's certainly not a fact.

[lorelei9]

Vandree, your point is quite iffy. If there was only £20k left to inherit and you felt the second partner to die needed it for their old age, that would be one thing.

but the estate is over £1m!

[lorelei9]

fast day, as the will stands, if SM hasn't made a will and something happened to both DF and SM tomorrow and they both died then the SM daughter would get everything. And things like this should be accounted for if you are planning responsibly.

it sounds morbid to die together but it was one of the first points the solicitor made to me - people often leave the majority of their estate to the person they are most likely to be with in a car crash or train crash or whatever so it should be considered.

[Kr1stina]

I have several questions

What country do you live in OP ? because In some countries, such as Scotland, you cannot be completely disinherited

Did you already inherit from your mother when she died ?

[StatisticallyChallenged]

OP we've got a similar situation with FIL here and it's really bloody hurtful. In this case the estate is also likely to be pretty sizeable (i.e. he doesn't need to leave everything to his new wife to ensure she has a reasonable standard of living), she was the OW when MIL and FIL broke up (after a long marriage and when she was NOT an innocent, uninformed OW) and has been utterly hideous to FIL's children.

But he wants to leave everything to her on the basis that she will then leave whatever is left of what she inherits from FIL to DH and his siblings when she dies. Apparently they're being completely unreasonable to have any issue trusting her at all...

He can't understand why his children are so hurt by this.

[Readysteadyknit]

In all fairness he is right to leave his estate to his wife. They are married, have joint finances and a joint life so why should her quality of life suffer when her spouse has died

I don't think it is that simple with second marriages. DD tells me that her DF's will has given his DP a lifetime interest in the house they live in (but that he owned outright before they met) plus his pension everything else is divided between DC and the house is theirs after her death. All her assets apparently go to her DC. It all seems fair to me with everyone looked after and I would do something similar if I had a DP.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

Agree re liferents - it's been suggested in our case but excuses include "they're too expensive" (they're bloody not) and "she wants to have free access to any funds" (for her designer handbag habit I suspect)

[fastdaytears]

fast day, as the will stands, if SM hasn't made a will and something happened to both DF and SM tomorrow and they both died then the SM daughter would get everything. And things like this should be accounted for if you are planning responsibly

we've got no reason to think there would be an intestacy.

I totally agree that a life interest would be better but we don't know that they haven't done the imperfect but totally normal think of naming the combined children in substitution. The OP hasn't said one way or the other.

As for people saying it's a £1m estate like that's a fortune and the SM will be loaded as a widow, that could well just be the house in reality and very little cash.