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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about the obsession of joint finances?

153 replies

Organon8 · 09/03/2016 18:14

Inspired by another thread, what is the obsession with having joint finances with your partner/spouse?

So many people display such horror and shock when you tell them you have separate finances.

I have heard to plenty of stories where one partner has cleared the whole account and no action can be taken against them.

People are free to have separate finances, it does not indicate a less strong marriage or partnership.

I have separate account from my DH. He pays for all household expenses, bills and childcare from his own account. It works for us

OP posts:
CharleyDavidson · 09/03/2016 18:17

We've never had a joint account. Married 20+ years and still don't feel the need for one.

someonestolemynick · 09/03/2016 18:22

YANBU. I would not give up my financial independence to my DP. It's not a measure of love.

molyholy · 09/03/2016 18:22

Well that's great if it works for you, but with couples who post, its the women, after childbirth, who end up with the shitty end of the stick regarding money i.e. when they are a sahm, their partner is sole earner and they need permission of the sole earner for joint childcare fees etc. or they contribute more where the childrwn are concerned etc. Hence if you have a joint account for all finances, it is joint money, not his money which he can control.

AuntieStella · 09/03/2016 18:24

We've never completely merged our finances.

But complete transparency is, I think, a requirement. Plus agreement about spending priorities and family financial direction.

LemonRedwood · 09/03/2016 18:24

We have joint and separate finances. Each put a share into joint account for mortgage & bills. The rest belongs to the individual. Works perfectly for us.

molyholy · 09/03/2016 18:24

I am not saying that this is the case for all obviously, but when women post about financial control by their h, it does concern the above issues.

StarLuck · 09/03/2016 18:25

We don't have joint accounts, however I have my salary paid into DP's. We don't earn a lot between us and we get paid on the same day so it makes sense to have the larger amount there than two separate ones, all the bills come out of his account on that day. We then split what's left and that monthly amount gets put into my own account. I also keep Tax Credits and Child Benefit.

It is pretty much joint finances I suppose, though we portion off our own spending money at the start of the month to spend as we please. It will probably change over the years when we move up in our careers.

JassyRadlett · 09/03/2016 18:25

I think it's because so many people find themselves in financially abusive relationships, particularly those who have stopped or reduced their earning to care for children, but don't have access to a fair share of family money.

DH and I have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, into which we each pay an equal proportion of our salaries. But if one of us were a stay at home parent, or weren't working full time, or whatever else, I think completely joint finances would be the way forward.

5Hearts · 09/03/2016 18:25

I agree - if it works then great.

Think we would struggle working out who pays for what/what is a fair split so joint finances are easier for us. We both discuss any large purchases - what 'large' means has changed over the years but we never argue about money.

OneWordTwoSyllables · 09/03/2016 18:26

I have been wondering about this too after seeing a lot recently on here.

YANBU - it doesn't make a relationship less strong or fair if you have financial independence.

Zigazigah · 09/03/2016 18:27

Joint finances doesn't mean joint account. Your finances sound pretty joint if your DH pays for all that stuff.

Fourormore · 09/03/2016 18:29

As Zig says - joint finances does not mean joint account. My DH and I have joint finances but we don't have a joint account. He pays for everything except treats/holidays which I save my CM and child benefit for.

Oysterbabe · 09/03/2016 18:30

Fine if it works you just see so many threads about women having to ask their partner for money for essentials.

AndNowItsSeven · 09/03/2016 18:31

If you don't trust your dh enough to share financies you shouldn't be married.

Vintage45 · 09/03/2016 18:32

In a marriage I don't see why anyone should have more than the other. Separate accounts are great but a joint account also is what I would want. Everything goes in the pot then once all household bills/expenses are paid for an equal amount goes into separate accounts to spend how they wish.

Fourormore · 09/03/2016 18:33

It's where one person earns a lot and leaves their partner (and sometimes even their own children) struggling that I think it's a problem. I don't think I could be with someone who bought fancy clothes, had expensive hobbies and generally spent lots of money on themselves when I couldn't even afford to treat myself to a magazine every now and then.

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 09/03/2016 18:36

We have separate bank accounts, joint mortgage. My husband pays the mortgage and bills, I pay for food and the children. No real reason, we have just always done it that way-when we were much younger we worked out as a percentage of joint income what we earned and split the joint outgoings to the same percentages but it got a bit tedious! I like to have my own little bit of money because I like to be able to buy my husband a gift (and me shoes) and know I bought it myself.

plantsitter · 09/03/2016 18:37

I'm not earning. When I was, I earned much less than DH. You can be scrupulously equal about who pays what I suppose, but much easier to have all essential payments coming out of one account you can both see.

And I'm buggered if I'm having an 'allowance' to spend on myself and the household. If i didn't have access to the joint money i would feel very vulnerable indeed. Besides, I do plenty of work even if I'm not paid for it.

I just think a family works as a financial unit better than the alternatives - but of course as long as no one is being financially abused you do what works for you.

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 18:38

I think a good compromise is one joint current account, then say an ISA each. Working out who's paying what bill, who's paying for what meal out or who's paying for the cups of coffee, seems like a pain and a lot of hard work to me.

BackforGood · 09/03/2016 18:41

Like so many others have said - it's not an obsession.
If it works for both of you, then fine, but all the threads where you get a lot of people post those replies, are always to do with the OP not having the money to do things whilst their partner does. That is when it becomes an issue.

dreadedorange · 09/03/2016 18:41

We have a similar set up to you OP but I consider our finances to be joint. Separate accounts work for us but we don't do anything like lend each other money or keep tabs on who has paid for what. For us that means it's all 'our' money, no matter whose name is on the bank account.

DH pays for most things as he's the main earner, and he keeps my account topped up so I'm never short of money, and we don't ask each other's permission to spend on anything.

zoodle · 09/03/2016 18:46

It's important to make sure you're covered in case one of you dies suddenly. Having shared money in your partner's sole account might not come to yours if they die, or not immediately. I also heard of a case recently where a new widow had to fight with all her utility companies to not be cut off because her husband had all the direct debits coming out of his sole account, and that was frozen on his death.

LoveBoursin · 09/03/2016 18:56

to start with there is a difference between joint finances and joint accounts.

Then it depends a lot of what sort of situation you are.
Two people working with similar wages, then you can really just agree who pays what and then just handle whatevr is left from your own account.
Two people where one is not working or has a much much lower wage, then having totallyu separate finances isn't a good idea AT ALL. It's unfair on the person who isn't working etc etc

Finally, iof you are married, your finances ARE shared by law so why on earth would you not want to share it anyway? Eg if your DH/DW suddenly gets a lot of debt, you are also responsible. I would want to know about it but fully separate finances might not allow for that (I'm thinking of the situation of a good friend there). If you separate,. everything is taken into account (ie savings from both sides as qwell as debts from both sides). You might as well share it on an everyday basis imo

FingerOFudge · 09/03/2016 18:56

do you pay for some other joint things Organon8 ? As it stands, it's easy to see why you are in favour of this arrangement Wink I'd say most of us need to pool incomes to meet all the family expenditure, so a joint account that we both pay into makes sense for our finances. But each to their own - I'm not telling you how to run your life!

tobysmum77 · 09/03/2016 18:57

Why does it matter?

We have joint day to day finances because it is a hell of a lot easier. That said I have some money in my name and dh isn't a tight wad.

But my parents have been married for 45 years and have never had a joint account....

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