To wonder about the obsession of joint finances?

[Organon8]

Inspired by another thread, what is the obsession with having joint finances with your partner/spouse?

So many people display such horror and shock when you tell them you have separate finances.

I have heard to plenty of stories where one partner has cleared the whole account and no action can be taken against them.

People are free to have separate finances, it does not indicate a less strong marriage or partnership.

I have separate account from my DH. He pays for all household expenses, bills and childcare from his own account. It works for us

[specialsubject]

...and that alone is a reason to have a joint account which pays the household bills.

otherwise - joint finances doesn't mean joint accounts.

[tilder]

We have several accounts. A joint account for bills (to manage and budget). A joint account for day to day living which dh salary goes into. We both use that as our account and spend from it appropriately. Then my account for my salary which covers big payments.

It works for us. All our money is shared, the different accounts are there for budgeting and not to separate into mine and his.

Control over finances can be a form of abuse. Provided the arrangements are fair and equal with everyone happy then fine. For me personally I find separate finances weird and secretive and not for me.

[MistressMerryWeather]

Because (in my experience) the situation often puts women in a detrimental position once they have children.

It's not healthy for a wife to need to borrow money from her husband for something like a winter coat while he has thousands at his disposal.

[Junosmum]

We also have joint and separate- the majority is separate, household bills (inc all bills for the children, clothes, hobbies etc) are joint but the rest, is separate. Friends are aghast that we get paid in to separate accounts, I think it's silly not too, for many reasons.

[Grapejuicerocks]

Joint finances. Any biggish spend we discuss and agree on.

But we have the same attitude towards money. Neither of us is extravagant.

[ouryve]

It doesn't matter how the money is organised in terms of accounts, there has to be trust there. Where there are no pooled accounts and finances are not completely equal, there needs to be trust that the higher earner will pay for their share of things as appropriate and that the lower earner will always have access to the money they need.

Pooling everything into a joint account (the other extreme) still requires trust that both partners spend fairly. Pooling money doesn't work if one partner has a slot machine habit or thinks nothing of spending £200 at a time on books that look pretty on a shelf but which will probably never get read, for example.

However far along a spectrum a couple is from no shared accounts to everything pooled, if there is neither trust, nor trustworthiness, then that's a problem.

[SquinkiesRule]

All joint here, married 30 years and complete trust that neither of us will do a midnight flit with all the money.

[Believeitornot]

I have joint accounts and joint finances.

Doesn't mean I am not financial independent. I earn the same as dh (roughly) and we don't control each other's spend. We have two DCs so want none of that splitting expenses crap - all in one pot, job done

[MinecraftyMum]

I just don't see how completely separate finances can work in a family. It sounds like headwork. And not very couple-y.

All of our money is shared completely. Like others we have several accounts - sole current and savings accounts and a joint current and savings account - but it's for budgeting reasons, not to split money between the two of us.

[tilder]

junosmum am genuinely curious what the 'lots of reasons' are for separate accounts. I am comfortable with how we do things so I guess am nosy!

[Jenijena]

Because the money isn't his or mine, it's ours.

Because frankly the 'I paid the electricity bill, your turn for gas bill' pisses me off.

Because seeing couples who've been together for years tot up the 'bill' for the end of the month is weird.

Because we trust each other, and have the same mindset. And have out earned each other at various times.

[Artistic]

'Joint finances' does not need 'joint accounts'. It simply means all the money earned is to be put towards family expenses without thinking of who owns which share of it. Accounts are only modern piggy banks.

[IlikePercyPig]

We have a joint account that we both transfer 3/4 or whatever to our wages to because for us it's so much easier, however I don't judge the couples who have separate finances.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

We don't have joint finances although we do have a joint account with savings in.

I think people often use joint finances as a shorthand for fair and equal finances. It doesn't matter how that is achieved as long as both partners end up with a fair result.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I think people use the terms joint account and joint finances interchangeably, but really they mean that in a healthy relationship finances should be transparent and no one partner should be better off than the other, or worse still profiting at the other's expense. You don't have to have a joint account to achieve that though.

[DolphinsandDinosaurs]

YANBU, what matters is that the arrangement is fair to both parties. It doesn't matter one jot how it is arranged as long as it is fair and reasonable!

[Bunbaker]

"Inspired by another thread, what is the obsession with having joint finances with your partner/spouse?"

Because, in our case, it is easier. OH and I trust each other. We both share the same views on spending and saving and he earns £££££££ more than I do. We are a partnership. He may contribute more financially, but I contribute more in other ways. All our finances go into one pot and we have separate savings accounts. It works for us.

I really don't get this "his money, my money" attitude. I wouldn't have married OH if I didn't trust him financially or otherwise. We have managed shared finances for nearly 35 years without any problems BTW.

[MoonriseKingdom]

I'm sure separate finances work well for some couples. We find joint much simpler. I earn more than my husband but I consider all income family money. We have never laid down rules as such but we tend to discuss all major purchases.

However, the majority of women posting here about long term financial abuse have separate finances. It is a very convenient way for the high earning partner to control spending, hide money and spend lots on themselves while their family struggles. SAHMs are particularly vulnerable to this. Often on these threads the woman posts about a financial difficulty (can't afford a winter coat for the children, terrified after an unexpected bill). It's only when questioned on the thread about family income that it becomes obvious that there is abuse going on and the woman is often surprised when posters point it out.

[Tryingtostayyoung]

I personally am really private about money and what I spend and DH and I definitely have different ideas on what we spend on so having all joint accounts would just never work. I'm a SAHM and we pay all bills, food shopping and petrol into a joint account and then split the remainder 50/50 into outer own seperate accounts, everyone's equal but has privacy.

[Bunbaker]

I don't have anything to be private about. No vices or expensive hobbies. And I always check the bank statements every month, OH never does.

[grumpysquash3]

We don't have any joint accounts, not even one for the bills and household stuff.
But we do have joint finances, mortgage etc. Together nearly 20 years.

[waitingforsomething]

Yanbu. Dh and I have always had our wages paid into separate accounts. We then pay an agreed amount into a joint account for food and anything for the children. Child benefit also goes into this account and the mortgage is paid out of it.
We then have our own disposable incomes to spend on whatever we see fit without asking the other is it's acceptable.
If there are additional and unexpected expenses these will be discussed and then paid for as appropriate.
I can't see the issue

[Lucyccfc]

DH (ex) and I kept separate accounts, but joint finances. When he moved in with me, I already had direct debits set up for mortgage and all the bills. We looked at what we both earned and agreed how much he would put into my account each month towards the house. We agreed that he would contribute less, as I earned more than he did.

We stuck £150 a month each in a pot in the kitchen and this was money we would both use for shopping, window cleaners, papers and other bits.

We shared financial responsibility, but had our own financial independence.

It was a good bloody job it was done this way, as 2 years into our marriage I found out he had a serious gambling problem. He could have wiped out all the money if we had a joint account and mortgage and bills money would have gone.

After that experience, I would never, ever have a joint account. Happy for shared finances and both contributing, but I will always keep my own account, own money and independence.

[AtiaoftheJulii]

We have separate accounts, always have done, married twenty years. I've got most of our savings in an account in my name only, because for years I've been not working/earning under the tax threshold/being a student, so we don't pay tax on any interest. Dh transfers me money each month: he pays the mortgage and some bills, I pay most of the bills - the distribution sort of evolved naturally. I work out our savings.

However, later this year I'm going to start a full time job, and we have kids at/starting university with rents that will be due at odd times, and we're coming round to the idea that having a joint account (whilst also keeping both our own accounts!) is going to make some things a bit less complicated. We're not particularly comfortable with the idea, lol.

[museumum]

We appear quite separate with our finances but we are transparent and divide stuff fairly. If I had any worries about my dh and his fairness with money then I'd want a joint account but I have no cbcerns and trust him.