To wonder about the obsession of joint finances?

[Organon8]

Inspired by another thread, what is the obsession with having joint finances with your partner/spouse?

So many people display such horror and shock when you tell them you have separate finances.

I have heard to plenty of stories where one partner has cleared the whole account and no action can be taken against them.

People are free to have separate finances, it does not indicate a less strong marriage or partnership.

I have separate account from my DH. He pays for all household expenses, bills and childcare from his own account. It works for us

Half interested to know what people think. Half thinking I should duck for cover.

MrsSteptoe your situation is similar to that I had in my PP and was asking if people thought it 'fair' for one partner to be subsidising the other partners lifestyle - when the lower earner had chosen an easier a less well paid working life.

I think it's complicated. Obviously come people like the status of 'supporting' their partner but I think I would find it hard to completely merge finances with someone who had chosen a low paying fun job whilst I was working my ass off in a stressful job primarily for the money. Unless they did a LOT of other things to contribute.

What if the £25k person loves, say, kitesurfing (an expensive hobby) and the £50k person loves baking (a much cheaper hobby)? Is that just tough for the £25k person that they can't afford the hobby they love?

Yeah it's so difficult isn't it. But why should someone who has made the choice to go into a low earning job expect a higher earner to subsidise their expensive lifestyle tastes? But on the other hand, maybe the lower earner would be happy living in a cheaper area and not going on holidays which the higher earner wants to do, and then they would be able to go kite surfinG. I don't think this applies once you have children and someone is doing an unraveling amount of childcare/being on hand when ill etc.

Hmmm, I don't normally post - but this is one I feel quite strongly about...

So I know I am probably pretty lucky. But I have never shared finances with OH and would like to think never will. It makes me sad to think of having to ask to spend money, or having my (terrible) spending habits exposed to anyone else. I don't really know how much he earns (rough ball park) and have no idea what he spends his money on. And I know he has no clue what I earn and what I spend.

He pays for the mortgage and I pay for food shops. Bills we split half and half and then we just get on with things.

With DS - whichever one of us is with him at the time that money is asked for (school trips, clubs etc) just pays. We go out as a family about once a week and we just try and remember who paid last and take turns.

That said - we are both quite geeky and have tonnes of hobbies, he likes gaming (not computers - although he does have x-box!) and outdoorsy stuff and I am very musical and am a gym member and nail addict. It makes me sick to think of having to pool our money or share our finances...

I understand its not possible for everyone, but I think where it is - why would you do otherwise?

We've always just had one joint account plus separate savings accounts.

It's worked for us as DH is rubbish with money and hates dealing with it. So I do all the finances and having it all in put into one account just makes it all so much easier.

My dd is about to get married, they've been together 5 years and their finances has been the one thing that has worried me about their relationship. He earns 3x her wage bit while she has managed to build up a good wad of savings, money just slips though his fingers. As they want to save for a house he's now asked my DD to look after all the money. I think this is extremely sensible!

Login just because you share finances doesn't mean you have to ask permission to spend on anything.

Really Bakeoffcake? Fro example - I am going on a choir tour next month and so have just dropped £500 for the tour - I didn't think twice about agreeing and just paying. I haven't even told OH how much it costs and I didn't discuss with him before signing up. I knew we were free that week - so went right ahead and then told him after.

Obvs, he knows now and is happy for me that I am going.

Tell me that if we had a joint account or it was his money I wouldn't have had to ask permission - or at least get his agreement first.

Having your own money makes you free.

It's obviously not essential to share finances but I think that those who do are probably more compatible at least with regard to money. The people I know who separate finances do so because one person is a big spender and sharing would cause arguments. If you both have a similar attitude to money it is much easier to put all/most of the money into one pot to pay bills and other joint costs e.g. children's clothes etc.

Really Bakeoffcake? Fro example - I am going on a choir tour next month and so have just dropped £500 for the tour - I didn't think twice about agreeing and just paying. I haven't even told OH how much it costs and I didn't discuss with him before signing up. I knew we were free that week - so went right ahead and then told him after.

DH would tell me so that I know money is coming out of the account so we don't go overdrawn but he wouldn't ask. People I know who are on much higher incomes wouldn't discuss at all.

Login, I've never asked permission in our 27 up year marriage, to spend any money, if I know we have it.

In the choir situation, I would have double checked with DH that he was able to be around for the DC that week, if there were no children I would have gone ahead and booked.

Sorry don't know where that random *up came from!

We have joint accounts for everything to do with finance and property. We even did away with Isas once we reached seventies. This for only one reason. When one of us dies no need for probate until we both go. My friend lost her husband a couple of months ago and she was so relieved that she had no problem accessing money and no need for probate. If you have a joint account when one dies you only need a death certificate as the money is considered to belong to the remaining account holder. It is a stress you don't need when bereaved. Not a cheerful thought but for the older person or the terminally ill, something to be considered.

whois I think I would find it hard to completely merge finances with someone who had chosen a low paying fun job whilst I was working my ass off in a stressful job primarily for the money. Unless they did a LOT of other things to contribute.
Thanks. Yes, that's how I feel.

Bakeoff - Thanks, I can't say its changed my point of view, but I hear what you are saying... Perhaps I have just never known a couple like this - it is unusual to me.

In my experience, and with all the other couples I have known, if they have shared finances and one is about to spend a significant amount of money (of course, significant means different things to different people) then there is some sort of discussion - no matter how chilled they are about spending or sharing the money. Or, if there is no discussion, its because the one who puts the most money in the pot is doing the spending so the other doesn't have much say anyway...

I know that I feel much MUCH happier not sharing our finances. It makes me feel equal.

We have individual and joint accounts. Household bills come out of the joint account which we contribute to from our own accounts. Any irregular costs we discuss ad hoc and sort between us. When I'm on mat leave, DH pays a weekly "allowance" into my account so I have some spending money, though I can always ask for more if it's needed. I don't think it really matters if you have completely joint finances or separate accounts, as long as both parties are transparent and communication between them is good.

"It makes me feel equal"

That's what we should all aim for, no matter how we achieve it.

I was a SAHM for a long time so for me, sharing finances was the solution to feeling equal.

login I would only mention it in passing...I regularly book things I want to go to, why would it be otherwise?

I did once tell him over tea I'd put a deposit on a new house....

And have moved to the other end of the country, got there late at night, to a new house he'd sorted out...I didn't mind a bit. I'd no idea what it would be like, but I was sure it would be just fine.

Tell me that if we had a joint account or it was his money I wouldn't have had to ask permission - or at least get his agreement first.

For anything big, we both consult the other. I thought that would be the case even with separate finances.

It's obviously not essential to share finances but I think that those who do are probably more compatible at least with regard to money.

I think that's the case. DP is a much freer spender than I am, but not so much that we are of different spending kinds, just degrees.

DH and I don't consult each other about any expenses. We don't have a joint account but we view our finances as shared but in separate accounts. About 80% of the household income is from his salary though. If we only had one joint account then I'd probably tell him just for budgeting purposes, in case he was about to do the same so we'd have to make sure there was something left for bills. But having our own accounts means we don't have to keep track of each other's spending.

Of course if it was something as big as a house we'd discuss it, if only because it would either be somewhere we'd be living so we'd need to agree on that, or it might have tax/finance implications etc for both of us. But I wouldn't think twice about paying £500 for a holiday for me.

My wife stays at home with our baby twins and our reception aged son. I am acutely aware that this is potentially damaging to her future career prospects and her future earning potential.

I also feel that without the work she puts in I would be able to earn anywhere near the amount I do. Every penny that comes into our house is earnt by both of us as far as I'm concerned and we each have equal access to it.

This is our solution to our own circumstances and I pass no judgement on anyone else's arrangements. I also don't agree that seperate finances means a lesser relationship.

We're the same as lemon. We keep a certain amount from our salaries each month to spend as we wish and the rest goes into an account for bills, mortgage etc. What's left at the end of the month gets saved.

We used to just split all bills in half before DS came along and kept what was left for ourselves but that just didn't seem workable when we had a child to pay for. I earn more than my DP but I see us as a partnership and so it doesn't bother me that we take the same amount each month for personal spending. If he or I want to buy something specific that is expensive, we just discuss it but it's usually not a problem.

I don't feel as if I've lost my financial independence doing things this way. In fact, it avoids arguments over who pays for what as there is a pot of money for us to spend on 'family/household' things. Each to their own though. I don't thing there is a 'right' way.

Obviously if you're a SAHP it makes a huge difference if you don't have access to your partners' earnings. If you're both working it's less of a big deal.

We do not have joint finances, DH has a higher income than me so he pays all bills and transfers some money to my account by standing order.

He does have more spending money but due to our mindsets and the costs of our hobbies we both have a healthy surplus each month.

He does have more in his savings and investments than me and I am a SAHP now but I could buy myself a modest house outright if the shit hit the fan.

I guess I'm in an unusual position.

I don't think yabu op - everyone's relationship, personalities and circumstances are different. I am obviously a sahm now, we don't have a joint ac but that's because my credit rating isn't brilliant and would affect credit card applications etc I do have access to my dp's ac whenever I need it and have child benefit into my ac as that's all we are entitled too. It would make life easier for us if it was joint as we would then have 2 bank cards instead of sharing one.

We have both joint and independent finances. We both put about 3/4 of our pay into a joint account and it pays for house mortgage bills food car kids family holidays etc.
What we do with the other 25% is whatever we like. If I go away with friends or out with the girls I can spend what i like. I don't have to query a new dress or a completely pointless frivolous treat. Similarly he bought his own cigarettes or footy season ticket and we buy our own clothes and gifts for each other.
Works for us.

P.S.. ..I maintain and deal with the joint account cos I'm bettercat managing finances! But he can use it if he wants.