To wonder about the obsession of joint finances?

[Organon8]

Inspired by another thread, what is the obsession with having joint finances with your partner/spouse?

So many people display such horror and shock when you tell them you have separate finances.

I have heard to plenty of stories where one partner has cleared the whole account and no action can be taken against them.

People are free to have separate finances, it does not indicate a less strong marriage or partnership.

I have separate account from my DH. He pays for all household expenses, bills and childcare from his own account. It works for us

[NerrSnerr]

We have everything joint. It's too much effort for us to be splitting bills and stuff. We don't have anything to hide and I don't care if my husband knows what I spend my money on.

[Muskateersmummy]

We have always had a joint account, earn a similar amount to each other, all money earned belongs to both of us. Major purchases etc are discussed.

It's funny because among our friends we are very definitely in the minority. I can't think of a single couple within our social circle who have a joint account. A waitress the other day told us it was "cute" that we had a joint account

[Strokethefurrywall]

It is absolutely down to what works for you and your partner/husband/wife.

DH and I never had joint accounts until we got married. He was the one that suggested the joint account and I was reluctant at first, being so used to being financially independent. But the "you owe $30 for the water bill, and I owe $25 for electricity, so if you transfer the remaining $5 into my account will even it up..." just hurt my head. Everything is in our joint name, mortgage, utilities etc.

But thankfully for us, we both earn similar amounts and everything is paid into joint current account, and joint savings accounts. We pay all bills and utilities from joint current and DH's salary goes straight into our joint savings. I manage the day to day finances and banking which makes me feel more comfortable that I can maintain my financial independence that way. DH trusts that I won't go and spend a grand on shoes, and I trust that he won't bugger off on a weekend jaunt to Jamaica without telling me.

We both have similar views on money and finances and that helps a great deal.

I could never be in the situation where someone else controls my money, or gives me an "allowance". This would feel, for me, too much like "his money" being granted as a favor to me, even though we run the household and raise our family together.

In our case, it helps that we both work full time - I can see this crops up mostly in a SAHM/WOH partner set up, and it seems to me, that there is the thought process that the working partner has to go and "earn" the money and therefore it is "theirs", whilst the SAHM stays home not earning money. So rather than see it as family money, it is seen as "their" money.

In my parents' case, my mum was a SAHM, and my dad worked. All my dad's money would go into an account that was joint, and then further separated into a bills account/grocery account/holiday savings/treats etc that my mum had full access to. She would then reconcile all spending and transfer whatever she needed. So the money was family money, not dad's or mum's.

[lamiashiro]

We have separate finances, but one joint account (though in reality, mine which DH has access to but he never looks) where all the bills are paid from, which we pay a set amount into every month. DH's earnings tend to fluctuate a bit so we review the monthly amount every now and again to make sure it's fair.

I don't think either of us would want to share all finances or feel we had to justify a purchase to the other one. Any major purchases are discussed between us. Now and again, one of us subs the other if we're a bit short for some reason but it mostly all evens out.

[LeaLeander]

I don't have anything to be private about. No vices or expensive hobbies. And I always check the bank statements every month, OH never does.

It's quite offensive to imply that someone who wants privacy does so because she has "vices" or "expensive hobbies."

Money is a very emotionally fraught topic and brings with it issues of control, independence, self-image, etc. That a person considers it a private matter or doesn't care to be held accountable doesn't mean she has anything to hide.

Pooling all available funds is not necessarily indicative of a healthy or fully functioning relationship, as I am sure many here could attest to their woe. And maintaining financial independence is not a sign of problems.

Most couples I know, unless they are very young and/or low-earning, contribute equally to a household account to cover routine expenses and joint big-ticket items, and also have their own checking, savings, investment and tax-sheltered retirement accounts.

[Noofly]

We started off with separate finances, moved to joint and are now back at separate finances again. DH pays for the day to day bills. I don't work but have my own money and I pay for large one offs- school fees, holidays etc. it works for us.

There's no right or wrong answer.

[lamiashiro]

I should add that we have no DCs, DH and I earn broadly the same amount of money and we're both pretty sensible with money. We just do what works for us.

[Micah]

All joint here, married 30 years and complete trust that neither of us will do a midnight flit with all the money.

Most couples with joint finances think this.

Until one wants out if the marriage, and clears the accounts while the other sits there trusting they wont.

BTDT.

Dh and I have totally separate finances. However we see our money as joint, we both have similar levels of savings etc. whoever has the large balance pays when we go out etc...

[Headofthehive55]

Because he was a penniless student and I had to keep giving him money to buy petrol so he could get to uni!
It was easier. Now the tables are turned, I don't even earn enough for income tax yet his career has taken off and I am the one that does the shopping for food thought to hols. Again easier. Otherwise they'd be a lot if transferring going on! I couldn't afford the lifestyle we do without his earnings.

[MummaV]

Dh and I have our wages paid into our separate accounts, on 1st month a % of our wages go into our joint account, % is proportional to our earnings (I work part time). Our bills and all household expenses come out of the joint account, all luxuries (lunches at work, takeout coffees, more handbags/makeup, nights out) are paid for using our remaining funds.

All necessities are covered and we still have our own money so we don't feel guilty in overspending on a luxury in case the other wants to spend that money on something. We did have completely joint finances and DH would spend £150 on a night out or golf or something and I would then feel guilty if I bought a £10 top because there wasn't much excess left. Now the majority of mine goes into savings, his is usually gone by the 10th. frivolous bastard

It works well for us having both joint and separate finances.

[RJnomore1]

See, my financial independence is very important to me. I've been with dh almost 20 years married 17 and we have two children a mortgage etc but our joint account is where we put our money for joint expense eg the house. The rest of our money is ours; we spend as we see fit. I out earn him right now but that's not always been the way. I couldn't stomach not having money which is mine or having anyone else with complete access to my finances. I think it requires more trust when you are married to operate like this though. I trust dh not to remortgage and run off to Tahiti, he trusts me not to blow the credit rating on cocaine and poolboys.

[RubbleBubble00]

Never ever would we have joint account. Dh is horribly unorganised with money. Everything comes out of my account and dh transfers all his wage to me except spending money. If I should die - the bills are in joint name so he could pay by his own card if they froze my account.

[Moomoomango]

We have a joint income from business. We pay the bills, food shop everything for kids etc - but have an individual allowance that comes out to our personal accounts each month. He's a spender I'm a saver so that works for us, otherwise I'd be fuming at what he wastes money on, but I'm not because that's his money and I've got equal :)

[Piemernator]

Anyone that doesn't work or have some source of independent income will always be vulnerable to financial abuse. My Mother said never rely on a man for money and it was the best advice she ever gave me.

[RJnomore1]

Totally agree pie. If there's one thing I wish I was sure my daughters would listen to me about it would be that.

[Organon8]

If you don't trust your dh enough to share financies you shouldn't be married

This is the sort of rubbish I am talking about. You can have separate accounts and finances and still be happily married and have trust in each other

[Organon8]

I don't see how completely separate finances can work in a family. It sounds like headwork. And not very couple-y

Don't care about couple-y nonesense, been together for 22 years and we have a great marriage.

There is no headwork, not in my case. Separate accounts. DH pays for all household bills. We both pay for whatever DC needs and groceries.

Simple!

[UmbongoUnchained]

I got absolutely torn apart on here one day because I mentioned that I had a selecta account to my now ex. No way would I ever merge my finances. My ex left me with nothing, and if we had a joint account he would've cleared that too. I can home one day with my 8 month old baby to a completely empty house. No bed or anything.

[Organon8]

do you pay for some other joint things Organon8?

Yes I have paid jointly for extensive house repairs and decorating, furniture etc

[chickindude]

Been together 27 years, never had a joint account, never will. Don't wan't him to be aware of how much I spend on some things, however might be good if he realised how much our kids cost me.

[Canyouforgiveher]

people can organise their finances any way they want. A joint account doesn't necessarily mean happiness and financial equality.

But I would have difficulty with a marriage in which there wasn't financial equality and a sense that you are a joint enterprise.

If I didn't want that feeling of being on the same boat, steering together, then I wouldn't marry. So I don't understand when people post about their husband's expecting them to pay for dinners out even though they earn less etc. or people asking for 10 pounds contribution to the babysitter etc. Surely you are in it together or not at all.

Nor do I understand a SAHM talking about "his money" or worse, a working husband with a wife at home minding kids talking about "his money". It is family money.

I do think for many women, they would be far better off staying working, earning money, and making their husbands step up with childcare etc. Many men will say that having a wife at home minding the kids makes their lives a lot easier but they actually don't respect it at all and they do feel like they are making the superior contribution to the family. you see it on here every day. not surprising when we live in a society that primarily values paid contributions.

The biggest decision I made in my life was choosing the father of my children. A joint account is nothing by comparison. But if my marriage ended for any reason, I would not marry again, even if I fell in love again. I've done that melding together of resources/rearing children together once. I wouldn't take those resources and put them into someone else's bucket.

[YaySirNaySir]

We have a mix but it's all joint money really- separate ISA's, Premium Bonds and pensions - which can't be joint.
Day to day bills, food, house, spending money comes from a joint account- otherwise it would be too faffy for us.
Other accounts for holiday/christmas/emergency etc savings and a separate account for rental property. We need to simplify we have too many.

[GuiltyPleasure]

DH & I have a joint account which all standing orders come out of, mortgage, bills etc. We both pay the same amount in each month. Apart from that our finances are separate. We also have separate ISAs & saving accounts. He earns considerably more than me, but we spend our own money on whatever we want. Sometimes if we have a big purchase e.g a family holiday he pays a bit more than I do, that's just because he has a bit more disposable income. Equally I could access his personal account if necessary & vice versa. The joint account works for us for day to day family life, but that's just us. I would also have no issues with complete joint finances, because my relationship with DH is a partnership. I do have a friend who has just a joint account & she has to account to him for every penny she spends. These are both affluent people, it's not a question of being able to afford things, he's just horribly controlling (a different thread entirely)

[Xmasbaby11]

It's the access that is crucial. Plenty of women may get an allowance from their dp or their own income but do not have access to a fair share of the household income.

[Primaryteach87]

For me it's about lifelong partnership. So I wouldn't be married and not have joint finances. It's different if it's a new relationship.

Often separate finances are a way of the high earner keeping their money not for the benefit of the family. It also breaks when you hear Mums on maternity leave struggling to buy food and clothes. I think it's disgusting for a man not to look after his wife at a vulnerable time when she is caring for he child.

DH have had joint finances since we got married and have both had times of not working due to studying or children and the other earning. It's about the 'for richer or poorer' bit.