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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like my step mum has stolen my dad from me even though I'm a grown woman?

146 replies

Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 18:11

I apologise in advance for a very rambley ranting post!

My dad and her met when I was about 7, I lived with my dad just me and him and were very close and continued to be.

When I was 20 they had a child together, that's when things started to change.

She stayed nice for a while until the last few years.

She has now told me I am out of the will, throws massive surprise parties for my dad and doesn't invite me, she deletes my texts to my dad asking us to meet and she once even turned up alone saying he was busy (he had no idea until I told him a few weeks later)

She takes down all of the pictures of me and DD from the house when my dad puts them up and says she doesn't know what happened to them.

I have a young DD, and if he says anything nice about my DD she then says 'oh but OUR dd was much better than that at her age' Her DD is 10 now!! If he offers to babysit once in a while when I'm at work she says no he can't because he should be spending time with there child. (He works 2 mornings a week so is home all the time anyway)

She makes comments like how her DD is an only child and how my dad started fatherhood older (NO HE WAS 20 I am his child too!)

I feel pathetic even writing this , but after all these years it's really starting to get to me. For so many years it was just me and my dad and although I understand he has his own family now, I still want him to be a part of mine.

The last straw was when I asked to borrow some money from him for a boiler repair recently. He immediately said yes of course. I then got a text from her saying 'actually we won't be sending you any money, we need to save for our childs future and I don't think this is an appropriate way to spend our money' my dad is filthy rich - think 7 figures - she has never worked since the day she met him, yet makes his decisions now?

She is so nice to my face and acts like we're best friends when he is around but I can see through it all and I hate it. He is oblivious.

Do I need to just suck it up and accept I'm not really going to have a relationship with my dad anymore? Is there anything I can even say? Am fully prepared to be told I am being a baby and UR just wanted opinions.

OP posts:
inlawsareasses · 07/03/2016 18:14

I think you need to save all messages from her and show your dad.
Regardless of your age yanbu to feel left out and upset

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2016 18:19

Yanbu at all, she sounds quite toxic,abusive and controlling actually. Is there anyway you can contact him. He sounds quite downtrodden.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/03/2016 18:19

This happened to me too. YANBU Sad

FantasticButtocks · 07/03/2016 18:19

I'd forward that text to your dad and ask him if he has changed his mind or had it changed for him

harryhausen · 07/03/2016 18:20

This sounds horrible. I think most people would feel like you in this situation. She sounds very sly. Yes, I agree to saving all her messages. How does your dad react when it turns out she hasn't passed on messages and takes your photos down etc?

OTheHugeManatee · 07/03/2016 18:22

I've seen my dad once in the last four years because she won't allow him to visit. We live barely 25 miles apart. But she invents things I've done to offend her and makes life unbearable for him if I so much as call. She is a poisonous, hateful woman and I grieve my dad every day even though he's not even dead.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/03/2016 18:23

(Sorry to me-rail your thread but I empathise 100% with your situation.)

figureofspeech · 07/03/2016 18:32

I'd forward all the hateful texts back to your dad tbh regardless of the fall out, he needs to see what's going on. She sounds like a nasty, insecure person. How is she with your dad's extended family, has she isolated him from them aswell? Is there anybody in your extended family that you can confide in?

Really sorry for you and your situation.

JanetOfTheApes · 07/03/2016 18:35

She's a wagon, but your real problem is your dad. If he says he will babysit/lend you money/visit etc, and then she says no, he is the one letter her get between you. She can only do what he allows her to do.

So ask him why he lets her treat you badly, and why he isn't sticking up for you or treating you better?

Original poster
Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 18:38

Thanks. My dad just says 'oh she doesn't mean too' he was alone for so long i think he's scared of that again.

He no longer sees any of his family or friends. Instead only hers.

I would forward the texts but I know if I do that he will choose her over me, he acts as if he would be no one without her.

Thanks for replies and for reassuring me I'm not being a baby

OP posts:
mycatsloveeachother · 07/03/2016 18:39

Happened to me, too Flowers

WitchWay · 07/03/2016 18:41

What did he say when he found out she'd cancelled your meeting him? I think he's being controlled Sad

diddl · 07/03/2016 18:43

I would think it's unlikely thathe doesn't know.

He already chooses to do what she wants where you are concerned.

headinhands · 07/03/2016 18:44

Op your problem is your dad. You need to focus on how your relationship with him is upsetting you and approach him about that. If you make it about her you're on a hiding to nothing.

MissMalteser · 07/03/2016 18:45

Is your dad really not aware of any of this? I find it hard to believe he isn't...
Like it or not he is just as responsible for the failures in your relationship as she is as it sounds like he just goes along with her demands for an easy life? Surely he would correct her every time she stated he started fatherhood later in life? Does he ever contact you to arrange time to visit etc?

FaFoutis · 07/03/2016 18:45

YANBU, it is an awful feeling.
I have the same problem, but I don't blame my step-mother, I blame my father. My father has sacrificed his relationship with me for a quiet life with her. I know if I said anything about my stepmother to my father it would be the last I see of him. She is so very nice to my face when he is there too.

At least your dad wants to babysit, mine wouldn't dare suggest it. If you think your dad is oblivious you should try talking to him about it (somehow I bet he isn't as oblivious as you think). At least you will know where you stand. I'm sorry for you OP, it is horrible.

PegsPigs · 07/03/2016 18:47

Can you just turn up and talk it over with him? Show him the texts (because if you forward them she will find them) and explain how it feels like you're losing him? She does sound hugely abusive. There's a DV EA checklist I've seen being linked to on threads you could go over to see if you think it's worth sharing with him?

Foginthehills · 07/03/2016 18:49

Oh you poor thing. YANBU at all. Definitely not.

notquitehuman · 07/03/2016 18:49

She sounds like a loon, but to be fair I'd be much more pissed off at my father. There's no way he doesn't know what she's like, and is sacrificing seeing his child and grandchild because he won't stick up to this woman.

Can you email or Facebook him rather than text? Does he have a work number you can contact him on perhaps?

FaFoutis · 07/03/2016 18:50

I think it is fear of being alone with my dad too.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/03/2016 18:52

Sometimes I blame my dad for letting her alienate him from his children. Sometimes I think he's being abused (I've seen her behave in very EA ways). Either way it's an awful situation Sad

mycatsloveeachother · 07/03/2016 18:54

My dad did it with two different women.

There was definitely an aspect of EA (and financial) but unfortunately I have had to live with the fact his relationships with women were more important than his children.

FaFoutis · 07/03/2016 18:55

I have had to live with the fact his relationships with women were more important than his children.

Yes, this. It is very hard when you first realise.

mycatsloveeachother · 07/03/2016 18:59

I spent Christmas 2003 sitting in my car at an Asda car park because I had nowhere to go.

What hurts is that he knew and refused to see.

Mrsleighdelamare · 07/03/2016 19:09

I think the PPs are right, you need to address your relationship with your father, on those grounds. Not the grounds about her being clearly a very insecure and unpleasant person. That will detract from you and him.

My father's partner was a real piece of work back in the day, she used to say things to alienate me and DSis. Couldn't handle any reference to Dad's two ex wives. Wouldn't let his friends speak to him on the phone if she answered the landline. Wouldn't turn up to family things so he'd 'have' to leave early. Would tell me about their arguments, tried to get me to side with her. It was very very odd.

However, over the years she's mellowed a lot and we get on okay now. He has lost all his friends bar two, but I see that as being his decision actually. He could have stood up to her but obviously he felt she was worth losing friends over, friends he'd had for 30 years....

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