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Original poster

To feel like my step mum has stolen my dad from me even though I'm a grown woman?

146 replies

Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 18:11

I apologise in advance for a very rambley ranting post!

My dad and her met when I was about 7, I lived with my dad just me and him and were very close and continued to be.

When I was 20 they had a child together, that's when things started to change.

She stayed nice for a while until the last few years.

She has now told me I am out of the will, throws massive surprise parties for my dad and doesn't invite me, she deletes my texts to my dad asking us to meet and she once even turned up alone saying he was busy (he had no idea until I told him a few weeks later)

She takes down all of the pictures of me and DD from the house when my dad puts them up and says she doesn't know what happened to them.

I have a young DD, and if he says anything nice about my DD she then says 'oh but OUR dd was much better than that at her age' Her DD is 10 now!! If he offers to babysit once in a while when I'm at work she says no he can't because he should be spending time with there child. (He works 2 mornings a week so is home all the time anyway)

She makes comments like how her DD is an only child and how my dad started fatherhood older (NO HE WAS 20 I am his child too!)

I feel pathetic even writing this , but after all these years it's really starting to get to me. For so many years it was just me and my dad and although I understand he has his own family now, I still want him to be a part of mine.

The last straw was when I asked to borrow some money from him for a boiler repair recently. He immediately said yes of course. I then got a text from her saying 'actually we won't be sending you any money, we need to save for our childs future and I don't think this is an appropriate way to spend our money' my dad is filthy rich - think 7 figures - she has never worked since the day she met him, yet makes his decisions now?

She is so nice to my face and acts like we're best friends when he is around but I can see through it all and I hate it. He is oblivious.

Do I need to just suck it up and accept I'm not really going to have a relationship with my dad anymore? Is there anything I can even say? Am fully prepared to be told I am being a baby and UR just wanted opinions.

OP posts:
Mrsleighdelamare · 07/03/2016 19:11

FWIW, I took a step back, made sure I kept contact however, and would just ask him over for coffee. Kept it really simple. Although my situation was far less toxic than yours.

I hope you find some kind of resolution, it must be horrible.

Organon8 · 07/03/2016 19:11

Your dad is 100% to blame here

TooGood2BeFalse · 07/03/2016 19:12

I don't have any experience of this sort of situation, but wanted to say I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. She does sound very controlling, bit obviously your dad is very wrong in letting her have this much of an impact on your relationship. Is there anyway you can contact him when you're sure he's alone? And maybe try and tell him how you're feeling?

AGreatBigWorld · 07/03/2016 19:16

Another one who's been through a similar experience!

flippinada · 07/03/2016 19:21

Boy, can I sympathise with this. I'm also in a similar situation. It's rotten but I hope you can take some comfort in the fact you're not alone.

I'm also aware that it's something my Dad is seemingly happy to go along with and that's very hurtful too.

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 07/03/2016 19:23

I've seen something similar happen to my DH's friend when he remarried. The second wife is incredibly controlling and has cut out all friends who were around when he was married to his first wife and she is mean to her DSD.

We 100% blame the husband as he enables the behaviour and we don't see him anymore. In the same way, this is something that is squarely your father's responsibility to sort out. I'm sorry to say I suspect he won't. I am really sorry to hear about the awful treatment you are experiencing from this woman.

Finallyonboard · 07/03/2016 19:23

This happened to me too. I've gone NC, I've grieved (even though he's still alive) and moved on. I'm so much happier for it.

Focus on the people who prioritise you and actively want to be in your life.

It's not you lovely - it's him Flowers

Cocacolaandchocolate · 07/03/2016 19:25

Not so harshly. But I feel too feel like I have lost my dad to his new wife. I wasn't even invited to his wedding 🙁

Narp · 07/03/2016 19:26

She sounds awful; but he chose her, and he chooses to let this continue. I don't think you can pretend he knows nothing about it.

Narp · 07/03/2016 19:27

.. and I am really sorry for you. It's incredibly hurtful and why do so many pathetic men allow it?

sportinguista · 07/03/2016 19:30

Happened to me too. He hasn't seen his grandson for three years now. My sister told me he'd suggested having DS down for a holiday, just DS not me or DH, just her DS,DD and GC. I said no I was not sending a 6 year old off with a bunch of strangers. She has basically alienated me and Dsis. DF goes along with it all for a quiet life.

Just focus on your own life and move on. It's the only way to have peace.

flippinada · 07/03/2016 19:34

Narp

I have asked myself that question a lot.

It seems to be a fairly common dysfunctional dynamic. Spineless, weak-willed man with controlling female partner.

I will never understand it myself.

NeedACleverNN · 07/03/2016 19:39

Save all her messages and one day just turn up with no notice and talk to him just you and him.

Explain how pushed out you are feeling and that you are getting a lot of abuse from your sm.

If he still defends her then I think you need to cut your losses.

No point being miserable around behaviour that will never change.

Original poster
Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 19:39

Seems like a lot of people have been through similar, you don't really hear of it happening to adults much.

He certainly knows some things are happening, and his old friends have said to him about it after he cut them out.

DM died when I was a baby and it affected him allot, he was the one person in my life and she has taken that from me.

He lost his partner, then his mum then his dad in the space of a few years so I have always made excuses for him, that he falls into her trap because he doesn't want to be alone - but I suppose I am a fool for thinking he isn't to blame too.

OP posts:
Quietwhenreading · 07/03/2016 19:43

Can you speak to your Dad and calmly raise these concerns with him.

He needs to take some responsibility for this too, it's not just her.

flippinada · 07/03/2016 19:45

I'm so sorry feel , it must be especially hurtful having lost your mum at such a young age Flowers.

waterrat · 07/03/2016 19:45

it sounds heartbreaking. It does sound as though he is being controlled - but is he a really weak man?

This must be really hard for you if you lived with your dad when you were young - so in some ways this woman was a parent to you too? you were only 7 when she came into your life?

Have you had any counselling? The truth is that if he doesnt want the situation to change it wont. But you can deal with your feelings of rejection.

RubbleBubble00 · 07/03/2016 19:46

what did you say when you confronted him about the boiler money he as going to lend you?

UmbongoUnchained · 07/03/2016 19:49

I feel for you, I had a similar situation. I lived with my dad and step mum for years and she was awful and my dad just let it happen. Then I moved out, had a baby and grew up. She turned up with my dad and her kids after I had the baby and tried it again in my home.
Put it this way she was a pathetic dribbling snotty mess by the time I was finished with her and I haven't spoken to her since. My dad lives 3 hours away and he visits us once a month with my brothers but she doesn't even get mentioned.

Original poster
Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 19:52

she was a bit like a mum to me although didn't live with us for a long time and never really took much interest in me, although As a teen she helped me through things I suppose a mum would help with.

It was mainly when she had my Dsis that it changed but I moved out shortly after anyway.

I didn't confront my dad about the boiler money, I left it there as i didn't want a fall out

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 07/03/2016 19:52

Well, I've been alone relationship wise for best part of 20 years since my husband left me for another woman - during which time I lost my dad, my mum and my sister over a 9 year period - but I still wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my DCs for a man. It's really not an excuse, OP Sad

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 07/03/2016 19:54

Have you ever had it out with her? Asked her what her deal is?

My mums step-mother was an awful woman, she used to set her dogs on my mum and uncle and pour pepper down my mum's throat. Her kids were allowed to eat dinner in the dining room but my mum and her brother had to eat dinner in the kitchen. She was a horrible woman but he was worse because he allowed it to happen, as a kid I worshiped my grandfather as an adult I think he's a coward.

LagunaBubbles · 07/03/2016 19:55

You're not a fool for thinking he's not to blame, it's just a defence against accepting the truth, which has hurt too much. It's interesting your original post doesn't mention your Dads part at all.

GloopyGhoul · 07/03/2016 19:56

I think your reaction must depend on how you view your dad in this situation: a person being emotionally and financially abused by their partner; or a weak person going along with whatever makes their life easier.

PoohBearsHole · 07/03/2016 20:01

I have no words to help you. I feel so bad for you, I think she must be so jealous of you and for her dd not being as important. She is obviously oblivious to you only having one parent and possibly knows how much your dad loves you. except he is falling under her opinions currently.

I'd almost fight it with kindness. or go completely nc. if y did that in an u dramatic way perhaps he will see what's happening. one can hope.