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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like my step mum has stolen my dad from me even though I'm a grown woman?

146 replies

Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 18:11

I apologise in advance for a very rambley ranting post!

My dad and her met when I was about 7, I lived with my dad just me and him and were very close and continued to be.

When I was 20 they had a child together, that's when things started to change.

She stayed nice for a while until the last few years.

She has now told me I am out of the will, throws massive surprise parties for my dad and doesn't invite me, she deletes my texts to my dad asking us to meet and she once even turned up alone saying he was busy (he had no idea until I told him a few weeks later)

She takes down all of the pictures of me and DD from the house when my dad puts them up and says she doesn't know what happened to them.

I have a young DD, and if he says anything nice about my DD she then says 'oh but OUR dd was much better than that at her age' Her DD is 10 now!! If he offers to babysit once in a while when I'm at work she says no he can't because he should be spending time with there child. (He works 2 mornings a week so is home all the time anyway)

She makes comments like how her DD is an only child and how my dad started fatherhood older (NO HE WAS 20 I am his child too!)

I feel pathetic even writing this , but after all these years it's really starting to get to me. For so many years it was just me and my dad and although I understand he has his own family now, I still want him to be a part of mine.

The last straw was when I asked to borrow some money from him for a boiler repair recently. He immediately said yes of course. I then got a text from her saying 'actually we won't be sending you any money, we need to save for our childs future and I don't think this is an appropriate way to spend our money' my dad is filthy rich - think 7 figures - she has never worked since the day she met him, yet makes his decisions now?

She is so nice to my face and acts like we're best friends when he is around but I can see through it all and I hate it. He is oblivious.

Do I need to just suck it up and accept I'm not really going to have a relationship with my dad anymore? Is there anything I can even say? Am fully prepared to be told I am being a baby and UR just wanted opinions.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2016 20:06

He sounds like he's being emotionally abused by her, she sounds abusive. Contact the male abuse charity, Menkind, for advice.

MadisonMontgomery · 07/03/2016 20:14

I'm so sorry. My dad is exactly the same - luckily his ex-wife & new girlfriend aren't as bad as your SM, but he has always put them before me. It is horrible, and I don't think being an adult makes it easier - in a way it's harder because people don't understand.

TravellingLoon · 07/03/2016 20:15

Hmm, if your dad is as well off as you say, it seems like she is protecting her interests and that of her daughter and trying to ensure that you are no longer considered part of 'the family' and therefore do not get a proportion of the inheritance.

I would consider trying to get your dad on his own and gently say what you've said to us here, about how sad it makes you, how you feel pushed out, that there are no photos of you and your DD up etc and see how he reacts. I'd also say that you understand she's his family too and you're not asking him to choose, but you just want to be part of his life still. Write it in a letter if that's easier (and make sure only he gets it).

ShutYerCakeHole · 07/03/2016 20:24

I'm another one still going through it. Sorry for the loss of your mum, OP.
Agree with PPs, it's your dad who allows himself to be 'stolen' and she wouldn't be trying it if she didn't know she'd get away with it.
It's incredibly hard to accept.

I don't think you can win, maybe I'm pessimistic but I wouldn't invest much in a confrontation/discussion changing anything.

My advice (to myself also!) would be step right back and only engage in ways she can't involve herself in - ie. if you know she reads his text messages, only call from now on, on his mobile. Unfortunately asking to borrow money plays right into her hands.

She's a jealous bitch. Imagine driving a wedge between a parent and child, what a miserable life she must have. Not that that helps much!
Good luck, OP

pictish · 07/03/2016 20:32

This is so sad. Sad

cellocello · 07/03/2016 20:44

What happens when you ring him - surely he must answer it sometimes. Texting is so indirect and much easier for her to delete a text. Does she answer his phone for him?

MrsKHB · 07/03/2016 21:01

I've been through this. My kids haven't seen their grandad for 9 years. I know it's my dad's fault for being such a weak man but she also knew how to manipulate the situation.

I miss my dad but for my own sanity, I walked away. He knows where we are if he needs us.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 07/03/2016 21:05

This is your dads fault not hers. He is allowing her to behave like this.

It's Him you need to sit down and have a frank talk about his behaviour.

I have a shit father too Flowers

Kitkatmonster · 07/03/2016 22:10

Another one who's experienced this. Never realised there were so many weak men out there! No pearls of wisdom, but ime self preservation is the only way. Rise above and try to distance yourself from a hurtful situation. Good luck.

Bodicea · 07/03/2016 22:16

Another one who has lost their dad ( to some Ukrainian money grabbing woman my age who I believe has a son ). I still haven't had even a card for my 2 month old. He last saw my son over 6 months ago. Who knows, I may get him back when the money runs out. I am not sure I actually want him. He is a selfish, idiotic prick who never once put his children first.

Kingfisherfree · 07/03/2016 22:25

Flowers Walk away and save your self esteem. I did in the end it was the only way. So sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry to say it seems quite a few women behave like this and the men are weak and accept it regardless of the pain it causes to others.

I do believe in Karma tho.

Kingfisherfree · 07/03/2016 22:28

By walk away I mean NC or just talk to your Df if he calls. You can't dip into this family life it is toxic and will completely destroy you.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/03/2016 22:35

In a way it's a relief to hear I'm not alone in my grief and disappointment at having such a weak and cowardly father, willing to trade his children for the sake of bad home cooking and someone to nag him about stuff.

Doesn't make it any less miserable though. Flowers to you all.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 07/03/2016 22:39

My dad moved to the other side of the world because my step-mum wanted to. I hardly talk to him now.
It makes me sometimes wish I hadn't been born.

Kingfisherfree · 07/03/2016 22:39

Yes OTheHugeManatee it is so sad, it never changes and my Df has passed away now. They carry this lack of love and protection on right to the bitter end.

TealLove · 07/03/2016 22:40

I really feel for you. I have no advice but your post is v sad I'm so sorry.

AyeAmarok · 07/03/2016 22:43

Could you go and meet your dad after his work one day?

I'd worry if you forwarded her messages to him, she'd see them first, delete them and be 'onto you're, and start taking you down without you knowing.

This is awful, and YADNBU. Flowers

Organon8 · 07/03/2016 22:50

he was the one person in my life and she has taken that from me

Your dad is the horrible cruel person here

roastednut · 07/03/2016 23:16

Another one here in very similar situation..SadThanks

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 06:57

I will never trust a man.

I know if I died, a husband or partner would just move another woman in immediately.

GymBergerac · 08/03/2016 07:12

Been there, done that's. I wish I had a helpful suggestion for you.... If I had known how to handle the situation I wouldn't have lost my dad for the 25 years before he died.

But I echo saving your messages to him. Could you write him a letter, maybe brown envelope, typed address to look official/private and try to ensure it doesn't get opened before he sees it. Not a letter to bad mouth her, but just to tell him you and your DD miss him and want to see him.

I regret not standing up for myself more, I think my dad only saw my kids a dozen times and my eldest is 24 now...... They all missed out of so much.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 07:15

Whenever I tried to talk to my dad about it, he'd make wretched faces as in 'everyone is pulling me every which way' and it made me feel sad and sorry.

Timri · 08/03/2016 07:15

The problem is with your dad, not her. He sounds weak and spineless. That doesn't help you though, horrible situation to be in.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 08/03/2016 07:30

It sucks when a parent puts another adult before their child and it hurts even more when you are an adult as you can see how selfish they are. Sadly it's very common as blended familes are everywhere.

Your dad seems to have made his stance clear and you can either make piece with that or cut contact. They are both to blame but he is your parent and should have put you first.

Desertrat101 · 08/03/2016 07:34

Depressingly similar stories to lots of you: father moved in the younger model who slowly but surely chipped away at our relationship until it was in tatters. He officially disowned me and my sibling 15 years ago and has lost out on watching us graduate, marry and have families of our own. Miss him like mad but honestly have zero respect for the weak-willed doormat he became and am thankful not to have the poisonous bitch anywhere near me or my family.