To feel like my step mum has stolen my dad from me even though I'm a grown woman?

[Feellikeim10again]

I apologise in advance for a very rambley ranting post!

My dad and her met when I was about 7, I lived with my dad just me and him and were very close and continued to be.

When I was 20 they had a child together, that's when things started to change.

She stayed nice for a while until the last few years.

She has now told me I am out of the will, throws massive surprise parties for my dad and doesn't invite me, she deletes my texts to my dad asking us to meet and she once even turned up alone saying he was busy (he had no idea until I told him a few weeks later)

She takes down all of the pictures of me and DD from the house when my dad puts them up and says she doesn't know what happened to them.

I have a young DD, and if he says anything nice about my DD she then says 'oh but OUR dd was much better than that at her age' Her DD is 10 now!! If he offers to babysit once in a while when I'm at work she says no he can't because he should be spending time with there child. (He works 2 mornings a week so is home all the time anyway)

She makes comments like how her DD is an only child and how my dad started fatherhood older (NO HE WAS 20 I am his child too!)

I feel pathetic even writing this , but after all these years it's really starting to get to me. For so many years it was just me and my dad and although I understand he has his own family now, I still want him to be a part of mine.

The last straw was when I asked to borrow some money from him for a boiler repair recently. He immediately said yes of course. I then got a text from her saying 'actually we won't be sending you any money, we need to save for our childs future and I don't think this is an appropriate way to spend our money' my dad is filthy rich - think 7 figures - she has never worked since the day she met him, yet makes his decisions now?

She is so nice to my face and acts like we're best friends when he is around but I can see through it all and I hate it. He is oblivious.

Do I need to just suck it up and accept I'm not really going to have a relationship with my dad anymore? Is there anything I can even say? Am fully prepared to be told I am being a baby and UR just wanted opinions.

Mycats, I totally agree with you.

Well, dad had three partners after my mum died.

He was with partner1 for ten years - she was awful.
Partner 2 for three years - she was lovely.
Partner 3 for three years - also awful, a replica of partner 1.

But after his experience with partner 1 he vowed to always keep a home for himself which he did. Also, the will hadn't been updated since 1987. Partner 3 did ask for some money but luckily she spoke to my brother who told her firmly where to go.

She's got his diaries, his watch, phone and other things I would love though.

I'm glad he's wasn't with partner 1. I seriously think she'd have buried him and told us a month later. She was deranged.

I have already grieved from my DF, I feel that his death will have very little impact on my life. He chose not to be a grandfather to my DC and became a superb grandfather to SS's DC, for that, I'm done with him.

Interestingly, my DSis has remained invoked with him that so her DC will benefit from inheritance (he's wealthy). I feel that I can provide financially for my own DC and definitely don't need any help from him.

Yeah, my dad was a brilliant 'step-grandad'

Gosh, it hurts, but it's helping to have so many of us bonding over it!

I think I'm in for the buried & told a month later version. SM's son is a solicitor, she made sure the will was sorted a long time ago.

Fa

Haven't RTFT, but can you meet him on his own OP, and actually show his some of her unpleasant messages? Sending them on to him could be interpreted as confrontational, and I don't think you want that.

In your shoes I would try and reach out to him. Tell him you love and miss him, and explain that while you understand he has another child you still need your Dad and you don't want to lose your relationship with him. You might need to choose your words carefully, but he also needs to understand that his new wife isn't your parent and shouldn't behave towards to in a superior or parental fashion.

I really feel for you, can't imagine how awful it must be to have someone working away against you like this. To me, it actually sounds like she's threatened by you.

I used to feel so sad about it, but over the years I've come to find it all very amusing. Even after all this time, my DSis tells me that SM still talks about how unreasonable I am and that she can't understand why I won't communicate with them.

Before I went NC, I used to find my DF relaying pieces of advice directly from SM as though it had come from him. He'd directly quote her - he had become a mouthpiece for her, nothing more.

for all of you in this situation - reading the last few posts is so sad.

This thread has really saddened me. My heart goes out to all of you who have been hurt in this way. A hideous, primal sort of hurt and betrayal . My love and best wishes to you all.

Thanks mycats.
My dad is a great step grandad too, he doesn't even try to hide it. He always talks about the step grandchildren, sees my dc once or twice a year and mostly ignores them.

I feel I have grieved too, but scared it will hit harder after he is gone. I remember him before he met SM and wish I didn't.

It hurts Fa, for me there's so much I wish I'd said before he died.

I try to hold on to the fact that he really did love me in his own way. Mostly I try to think about how he was when I was little, when if he'd told me he could walk on water I'd believe him :)

Reading this is so helpful. I hope it is helping you too, OP.

My dad's also a brilliant step grandad, tells me all about their 'grandparents' day' at school... completely oblivious. Currently keeping me hanging about whether he'll turn up for DS 1st birthday, while making a big fuss about SM's feelings over it.

Fa when my dad dies, I've no doubt I'll be devastated, but til he does I'm lumbered with pretending to be ok with everything - if I challenge him, he'll go virtually NC for sure, as he has before. He just can't cope with reality. If he does go 1st I can finally let her have it both barrels, and it will improve my life significantly not to have to deal with her again.

for all

Shut, what are your SM's feelings over the party? We had a similar situation with one of my graduations, where one of my SM's couldn't attend because her own DC hadn't got to university and therefore, making a fuss over mine may negatively impact her own DC"s self esteem hilarious!

So sorry to read all this stuff OP & others .

I'm in a very similar situation & it's so painful. DF's wife wants nothing to do with me (though we've never had a cross word) & I'm not welcome at the house. I very occasionally exchange emails with him & managed to see him when she was away 18 months ago - when she found out she was furious. Hardly seems worth trying to see him if she's just going to shout at him - he's 83, she's 25 years younger. I think she is abusive but like others he's just never stood up to her.

When he goes I honestly don't know if I can go to the funeral, which is really sad.

I've already decided I won't go to the funeral, Bethan. It's sad, but there would be little point. He is no longer part of my life and I would just have to watch SM and step siblings honouring his life from the front, whilst I'll be at the back and not part of the family.

My wonderful paternal grandparents have died, he has no relationship with his siblings/ nieces of nephews and therefore, there would be nobody to challenge SM. My sister will go, but she wouldn't want to rock the boat by challenging the situation.

I'll spend the day ensuring my own DC understands how much I love her instead.

So sad, Bethan

Finally the official line is that my family are unpleasant to her (they're not, though they have every reason to be) hence the sympathy vote from my dad - but I know she just wants to stop him coming. It's so predictable!
Your SM sounds like a treat. What a ridiculous excuse!

Have you asked him, whether you really are no longer in his will?

Emotional stuff aside, this would really piss me off. You say he is worth > £1M, so if you are not going to have any share in the inheritance, this is life changing. Your Sister will be a Millionaire and you'll get nothing. That really grinds my gears.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I'm afraid that my DSM was similar, although not in such a blatant and nasty way. What hurt the most was the fact that dad was happy to go along with her, and not to stand up for me and my DS. Even though she was manipulative, I had to accept that he had the power to make up his own mind, but didn't. I now realise that they both felt guilty about having an affair and leaving their partners (one of them my DM) to be together. Neither liked to be seen as weak or to blame, so the blame for a strained relationship was pushed onto us.
You're not doing anything wrong. Are you able to talk to your dad about feelings? Could you speak directly to your dad and meet him when she's not around? Hugs x

"He no longer sees any of his family or friends. Instead only hers."

Hmm, if we were talking about a woman who no longer saw her friends or family, and who had a dodgy sounding partner there would be cries of "red flags" and "emotional abuse". Noone would be saying "it's her fault, she lets her husband behave that way". It sounds like you dad was vulnerable and lonely and she took full advantage to control him.

I absolutely believe my dad is in an EA relationship. I've seen her do it

I agree that a lot of it sounds like and probably is emotional abuse. It's not the responsibility of the child (in the context of a parent child relationship - even if both are adults) to resolve it though, and they are allowed to talk about it without being 'told off'

And mine Manatee. When my father was in hospital terminally ill she became psychotic because I could visit and contact my df without her controlling things. She actually starting screaming and shouting on one visit telling the nurses I couldn't see him because I had forgotten his birthday.. Luckily the nurses saw sense and asked my Df whether he wanted to see me and he said he did - she then left the ward screaming and crying.
In the end she discharged my poor df out of the hospital early on her own when he was very ill just so she could have control. I very nearly called social services.
He has died now and she still has his ashes so we have nowhere to pay our respects - she even took that away from us.

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I just had to get that off my chest.

I wasn't invited to their wedding, Kingfisher, and I well recognise the screaming and crying if things get out of her control but even to take his ashes? I'm so for you