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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like my step mum has stolen my dad from me even though I'm a grown woman?

146 replies

Feellikeim10again · 07/03/2016 18:11

I apologise in advance for a very rambley ranting post!

My dad and her met when I was about 7, I lived with my dad just me and him and were very close and continued to be.

When I was 20 they had a child together, that's when things started to change.

She stayed nice for a while until the last few years.

She has now told me I am out of the will, throws massive surprise parties for my dad and doesn't invite me, she deletes my texts to my dad asking us to meet and she once even turned up alone saying he was busy (he had no idea until I told him a few weeks later)

She takes down all of the pictures of me and DD from the house when my dad puts them up and says she doesn't know what happened to them.

I have a young DD, and if he says anything nice about my DD she then says 'oh but OUR dd was much better than that at her age' Her DD is 10 now!! If he offers to babysit once in a while when I'm at work she says no he can't because he should be spending time with there child. (He works 2 mornings a week so is home all the time anyway)

She makes comments like how her DD is an only child and how my dad started fatherhood older (NO HE WAS 20 I am his child too!)

I feel pathetic even writing this , but after all these years it's really starting to get to me. For so many years it was just me and my dad and although I understand he has his own family now, I still want him to be a part of mine.

The last straw was when I asked to borrow some money from him for a boiler repair recently. He immediately said yes of course. I then got a text from her saying 'actually we won't be sending you any money, we need to save for our childs future and I don't think this is an appropriate way to spend our money' my dad is filthy rich - think 7 figures - she has never worked since the day she met him, yet makes his decisions now?

She is so nice to my face and acts like we're best friends when he is around but I can see through it all and I hate it. He is oblivious.

Do I need to just suck it up and accept I'm not really going to have a relationship with my dad anymore? Is there anything I can even say? Am fully prepared to be told I am being a baby and UR just wanted opinions.

OP posts:
MTPurse · 08/03/2016 07:41

This is awful :(

sofato5miles · 08/03/2016 07:47

I have exactly the same relationship with my father and SM. Not a single photo of me and my children ( his only grandchildren) in the house.

It is his fault. She is evil bit he let it happen.

It does make me more circumspect on the 'LTB, the kids will be fine' threads though.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/03/2016 08:09

The fucker phoned me at Christmas to say (I'm paraphrasing) 'I'm sorry but I need to cancel the visit we had planned, your SM has just invented remembered something you did that offended her three years ago and is distraught. Would you humour her and apologise? It's the only way.'

I said no, I wasn't going to, as there was no point; she hates me and will just invent a new offence whenever she feels like it and I don't want to play her game. He has made his bed and must now lie in it.

Angry and sad doesn't come close.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 08:14

Manatee are we sisters? Sad

My dad used to say 'well SM says you have to stand on your own feet and stop ringing me all the time.'

I rang once a week.

Organon8 · 08/03/2016 08:20

I know if I died, a husband or partner would just move another woman in immediately

So what if he did? He should be lonely for the rest of his life because you died? Hmm

OTheHugeManatee · 08/03/2016 08:44

mycats I don't have any sisters IRL but I'm sad for all our sakes to see I clearly have many, many sisters in spineless-dad-and-fucking-evil-stepmother-hood.

I'm finding this thread very cathartic though.

I'm pregnant with #1 at the moment. I'm all agog to see if he's allowed out to visit his new grandchild. Ten to one though I get a card through the post, and the visit is repeatedly postponed for several months due to her 'ill health' and then quietly dropped Hmm

flippinada · 08/03/2016 09:17

That sounds familiar. My Dad is only "allowed" to see me or my sibling when my SM is busy.

I say allowed but tbh he chooses to go along with this.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/03/2016 09:29

Flippin - that's the bit that galls, isn't it? That he goes along with it.

I flip-flop between thinking my dad is in an EA relationship (when he phones at all it is covertly, from his mobile while out shopping) and thinking he is just spineless and he accepted never seeing his children for the sake of a quiet life and her nastyhome cooking.

I know it's wrong but if I heard today that she had died I would honestly dance with joy.

flippinada · 08/03/2016 09:33

Yes it is.... and you know what? I feel exactly the same way.

WrenNatsworthy · 08/03/2016 09:34

I sympathise wholeheartedly. My Dad's wife often treats me like I'm the OW. I don't blame her fully, my Dad hasn't always been overly helpful to the situation.

They are helpful though and there when I need them.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 09:36

Organon, as I think you know given what the threads about - it's the moving out of the children that would upset me. If you want an argument, don't hang around here - I'm not interested. It's a serious issue.

That's exactly what mine did Manatee. Ring me once a week on a Wednesday afternoon as that was when she was at work.

The frustrating thing was he split up with that one and three years later got into a relationship with a near enough identical one!

CallMeMaybe · 08/03/2016 09:56

You only have to look at the step parenting boards on here to see where it all begins.

Countless women complaining that the children exist, that the ex wife exists,that it's all their fault that she, the new stepmother gets all the blame for everything.

The men who marry these women are in some part to blame yes, having said that though, if the women are emotionally abusive is it fair to lay the blame on their victims?

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 09:57

I think we would with women too, if children were being adversely effected.

FaFoutis · 08/03/2016 09:57

Before he was with my SM my dad used to hug me, he won't go near me now and if I try to hug him he moves away. As you say, Wren, like I'm the OW.
He seems to have absorbed her attitudes and ideas, he isn't just going along with it now. Sometimes though, I see his discomfort and I hope he has moments of realising what she is like and what she is doing (that probably just makes me feel better, I think in reality he might blame me for it). I am very polite, it just about kills me.

The only time I really couldn't cope was after I had a baby, I had to pretend to fall asleep when they visited. The lack of interest and affection after all the years I spent with my dad was too much for me. You sound like you are better prepared for this that I was Manatee.

My DH has seen all this develop, there's no way he would move another woman in if I died.

ShutYerCakeHole · 08/03/2016 09:59

I was only permitted to ring my dad on his mobile, or his home office line, as the main landline was 'hers' (he moved into her house) Confused

mycats yes yes, the 'wretched faces' just make you feel awful and guilty don't they. This is why it drags on, I think, both the dad and SM are happy for her to take control while he plays the victim and waffles on about being stuck in the middle. Grim!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/03/2016 10:01

you need to discuss this with your dad, asap

she is a toxic fucking piece of shit and if I were you I wold reduce contact as much as humanly possible

your relationship is with your dad, and he needs to step up and take some responsibility

act like she does not exists, and focus on your dad

its very painful, and I suspect its easier to blame her, than blame your dad Flowers and face up the fact he is being so fucking weak

cut out of will?
not inviting to parties?
deleting your messages

either she is super wily, or he really fucking weak

and personally I would start to avoid any face to face, email or texts with her. act like she is dead.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 10:02

Fa, I hate to say it but my dad was the most amazing parent, person, dad, until my mum died.

I couldn't have predicted in a million years how it would pan out: nor could she.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/03/2016 10:02

so sorry, this thread is painful to read.

FaFoutis · 08/03/2016 10:09

That is frightening mycats. It must feel like such a betrayal of your mum too.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 10:11

What was awful was that I was effectively gas lighted for years and told I was the one with the issue and the problem, that sitting in my car on Christmas Day was acceptable, that ringing up was needy.

The he left her and I was right all along.

Then three years later the same situation panned out. I have to admit I was less sympathetic that time!

Finallyonboard · 08/03/2016 10:13

After all these years, I actually feel that my SM did me a favour though as I can now see what my DF is really like.

They say fairy tales are based on folk lore, they are full of weak men, awful step mothers and the downtrodden DC - snow white, Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel etc. This has been happening for generations, so at least we know we're not alone Grin

FaFoutis · 08/03/2016 10:15

That wouldn't work with my SM stopfucking. If I was anything less than polite to her my dad would have nothing to do with me. He is fucking weak, but he also likes his life with her and wouldn't do anything to put that at risk.

Those of you in this situtation, have you thought about what happens when your dad dies? My SM is considerably younger than my dad, my dad is nearly 80.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 10:15

It is perhaps the most difficult relationship, that's probably why so many fairy stories emerge.

The truth is I have learned that most of the time a man will prioritise his relationship over his children, and that's just the way it is. It's fine as long as he stays married to the child's mother.

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 10:15

My dad died nearly two years ago fa

FaFoutis · 08/03/2016 10:18

I'm sorry mycats. How did you feel and cope? Did you have anything to do with your SM?
I'm mentally preparing myself.

Certainly can relate to poor old Gretel.

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