To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

[Brizilla]

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

now - the point I was making was that an additional couple of hours just with sister was not a big deal either and if it was, it isn't necessary she attends. Plus the 'list' is only what the op has mentioned. Doesn't mean there's isn't a shed load more things planned but as op isn't interacting with her own thread, it is all of course speculation.

That's also true, but I still can't see why on earth mucking in would be such a disaster.

Katenka - I read it as the bride trying to not be a bridezilla with "this is the dress you will all wear, if it suits you or not, just get the one that fits." but rather take them all to the shops and try to find a dress that looks good on everyone and everyone feels happy to wear, which really is a kinder way to do it. (particulary if you have a range of body shapes in your bridesmaids and the bride isn't overly fussed about the colour/shape of dress as long as everyone feels comfortable wearing it).

Post or another way, few woman work in events management. This is probably the only time a woman will be expect to arrange a large event with many guests, thinking about everything from sorting out invites, managing the timings, how many drinks to budget, what to feed people and what to dress the wedding party in. Few will ever have to do something like this while also holding down a job.

A generation back, the parents of the bride did all this organising shit, now the bride and Groom are expected to - in reality, it often falls to the bride. In work, an event of this scale would be considered a big undertaking, and at key points it would be acceptable to pull in other colleagues to help out, but when a woman who has no training or experience in arranging events gets stressed trying to work it all out as she goes, fitting it around her other work/life commitments, spending her own money and trying to keep to budget, they are told they are bridezillas.

dinosaur but if she doesn't want to go, to that. She just has to go along with what everyone else picks. Chances are it wold be a vote or bride get the deciding vote. Her not being there doesn't mean anything

Muskateersmummy has hit the nail on the head for me... with the unknown schedule of events.

Twice in a year I reluctantly agreed to be a BM (both times backed into a corner, no there was no option for refusing). The first I went along with but increasingly through gritted teeth as it was my sister who became more bridezilla ish by the hour By the day of the wedding the entire family were looking for any excuse to be in a different location to the bride.

The second I backed out of after a constant stream of demands (one week notice to do dress fitting between Xmas and New Year 3 hours away... "only" £50 to get my hair done..."only" £40 for makeup, pay for the dress...). PA status updates on the dreaded FB about "knowing who really cares about you" did it for me. I declined what would have been a mega expensive hen do miles away (her second natch. the first being a week in the sun), she exploded so I walked away, we haven't spoken since.

On both aforementioned occasions both individuals knew me well and should have either been happy for me to turn up on the day, wearing dress of their choosing or not asked me in the first place!

It just amazes me that people can be so self-involved. I may sound like a "misery" but actually I just don't have loads of money and what precious free time I do have I like to spend with my DS not attending endless "get together's" about one day!

FWIW DH and I did 10 mins in a registry office, (for both of us the marriage was/is more important than the wedding itself) both above mentioned bridezilla's were spitting feathers

Katenka - which is what I'd have advised the OP to do if she'd complained about her sister not coming dress shoping with her, rather than taking pictures to her sister for her to give an opinion on which one she wanted in her home, adding an extra few days on the OP's faff around buying the dresses. (I'd have told her at the time not to pander to her sister, she comes on the shopping trip/makes herself available to look at a picture on line/on her phone or gets no say in what she wears)

It isn't endless get togethers though is it - OP us getting married in two months and if dresses aren't sorted yet she really isn't being unreasonable to expect people to muck in and make an effort.

It's not as simple as turning up and standing in the photos - I feel sorry for the brides who had people as their bridesmaids who just saw it as that and weren't prepared to offer any help or genuine excitement.

when a woman who has no training or experience in arranging events gets stressed trying to work it all out as she goes, fitting it around her other work/life commitments, spending her own money and trying to keep to budget, they are told they are bridezillas.

Because you HAVE to do a hen do. And you HAVE to have a big wedding. And you HAVE to have bridesmaids that are all matchy matchy.

Oh burn the witch! OP wants a nice wedding!

dinosaur so she doesn't need her there, then

dinosaur I organised my wedding from 120miles away with a bit of help from my mum. I was 32 and had quite a senior job,was selling my house, organising a move and job hunting at the same time -I relocated to where my fiance lived ..I am not wonder woman
Had to have the registrar and in those days you couldn't book til 3m before .So it was done in three months (apart from my dress -bought in London with only my maid of honour).Chapel,(mum) registrar,clergyman (family -mum contacted))organist (family friend-mum contacted)soloist (DHof my maid of honour)cake (another family friend)reception venue and menu, (maitre d' lived next door to parents,it was the obvious choice )car, bouquets and buttonholes.Ordered invitations and service sheets .Mum and I did church flowers with donations from neighbours gardens .We did get married in early Oct but it was a big wedding DH sorted out his best man ,suit and our modest honeymoon .
I think no one agonized so much and spent so much time on everything matching and quirky touches in those days and no one I know had a hen night. You made your choice/decision and that was it .
DH to be and I met up with several friends who were staying at our reception hotel the night before the wedding .I don't remember feeling unduly stressed by it . Was bridesmaid to four friends before I got married and dont renember being particularly involved in the arrangements as I didn't live locally to any of the brides (though my mum made the bm dresses for two of the weddings )Nor do I recall my friends stressing about it all
That's all I meant really. It's become such an industry, so expensive and competitive and people get totally stressed by

I'm sorry nowyoucmo are you saying that you HAVE to have all these material things and added extras or its not a nice wedding?

You see that mentality that you NEED this, that, the other plus the matching kitchen sink in bridal colours, is the problem here.

You don't. Its falling into that trap that adds the stress...

Not everyone one else around a bride wants to take on that UNNECESARY stress or to deal with the stressed out bride.

Its less about burning the witch and more about applying common sense and a sense of perspective to wedding planning.

Oh burn the witch! OP wants a nice wedding!

But nowyoucmo you really don't need to have all the palaver that people think is 'proper' nowadays, It's usually aspirational and vulgar.

Why can't the sister just arrange her own fitting for a time convenient to her? Why does the bride need to be there? She doesn't need to be there. If the dress doesn't suit her sister, what's she going to do about it? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Presumably she must know that x style is dreadful on her sis, or tha x colour is awful, and so would veto anything like that if the other bms were veering in that direction.

Anyway, op's gone. Luckily, probably. A very vain, selfish post, imo.

So everyone has piled in with the 'I hate weddings, hen dos, dresses, hair, etc, so therefore your sis probably also hates those things'. If she does then why the f did she agree to be a bm?

I don't think people are saying they hate weddings, though some are saying they hate the sort that are endless faff and stress and focus more on the table decorations than the purpose of the weddings. I really can't see why being a bridesmaid means that you have to love hen dos. As I read it, she's not refusing to try on the dress or have her hair done, she just doesn't want to do them with the other bridesmaids, and I really don't see why she needs to.

Being a bridesmaid means you at least need to attend the dress fittings and get your hair done with everyone else on the day, if you can't commit to those then don't be a fucking bridesmaid

Yes, you need to attend a dress fitting, but why on earth do you need to do it with everyone else? And why do you need to get your hair done with everyone else?

I still can't see why on earth mucking in would be such a disaster.

Who said it would be? There's a difference between deciding you don't want to get involved in something non-essential and thinking it's a disaster.

Oh burn the witch! OP wants a nice wedding!

And it won't be any less nice just because her sister doesn't join the Facebook group or sleep over the night before.

"Brides do like their identikit bridesmaids with matchy matchy 'done up' hair. "

Do they? I have only seen that in Hello magazine. Do normal people want that too these days?

PS I would rather die than tell my friend how to wear their own hair.

I don't think OP never mentioned anything 'matchy-matchy' (a pretty snidey term if you ask me) or has said that she is demanding/controlling what people wear or how people wear their hair! Surely it's just 'I'm having my hair done by a professional and am happy to cough up for you to have yours styled too'? That's what I took from it anyway.

There's some serious, and mean-spirited, assuming going on here... presumably because OP has disappeared OP - come back! I'm on your side here but this is doing my head in now!

ToothBrush I don't care what weddings people want - it's totally up to THEM and none of anyone else's business. BUT if someone I loved was having a wedding and wanted something - I certainly would stall progress or dampen the excitement by ducking out of showing a bit of enthusiasm.

Augusta I don't agree the sister should have to join Facebook either

Palaver What's 'vulgar' about OP wanting to spend sometime with her close friends and perhaps-not-so-close sister ahead of her wedding which she is well within her rights to be excited about. And is perhaps a little nervous about?!

Toothbrush I WOULDN'T stall progress I meant, whoops!

I'm not normally one to wonder where the OP has gone but

She's somewhere else talking about her wedding or doing something 'weddingy' - is that even a word?

Binders I expect OP's on her FB group talking about wedding favours.

The OP's list in itself isn't lengthy or include out of the ordinary requests in absolute terms IMO.

We are missing A LOT of info to decide who is being unreasonable.

If the sister is a miserable cow who doesn't want to be involved in dress selection but will moan about it on the day/have a view at the 11th hour/can't be relied upon to organise herself to see if the dress fits until the morning of the wedding etc - SIBU.

If the hen night is abroad/otherwise inconvenient/nasty or the BMs are much older/sis has anxiety - dress picking will be accompanied by matching Tshirts to wear on the day - YABU.

ETC

YES OV - thank you!

Some of the rest of you are just being plain bitchy x

Overnight stays with the bridesmaids? Facebook? Matching dresses, shows, hair, makeup?

Fucking whatsapp groups???

Ffs, who would blame her!

You're ott. Op. You've shown her the dress etc, that's all that's needed. Why on earth would anyone want to go to all this faff?