To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

[Brizilla]

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

OP are you coming back?

TBH everything you've listed sounds like my worst nightmare. And for this reason I have always declined hen do invites and requests to be a bridesmaid. Perhaps as your sister she feels unable to do this, particularly if your mum is keen. Fortunately my sisters know full well how much I dislike "female bonding" and have been happy to give me other tasks (readings, ushering, directing photographs, herding small children etc. etc.). It doesn't sound like you are enjoying her half-hearted embrace of the role either. Perhaps have an honest chat with her and give her an easy out.

I eloped entirely to avoid the hen do/bridesmaid palava. Even if I had said no, I would not have relaxed for six months beforehand waiting for hilarious drunk women in matching t-shirts to strike. I had to escape a surprise all female office lunch with penis-shaped pasta after I told HR about my name change at work. Too much bloody cackling.

I can imagine my sister not being comfortable with those requests, she was 24 when my bridesmaid but it was very low key in comparison to your plans - no hen do as I was pregnant and very sick, no Facebook groups (whatsapp didn't even exist), one trip to buy an off the rack bridesmaid dress and no hairdresser on the day. Dsis has social anxiety and many of the friends were a fair bit older than her and knew each other well so it would be overwhelming for her as an outsider. Could any of this be true for your sister? 22 is very young and most people get married at closer to 30 these days, it could all be a bit too serious/grown up/boring.

One friend had massive trouble with her sister but it was very much not her style and while she was only a couple of years younger she was much more immature and living a student like existence. Her wedding was a big deal with all this fuss and extensive planning and they divorced a year or so later. Statistically the more money (and probably energy planning) spent on a wedding the more likely they are to divorce. Don't get blinded by the enjoyment of the wedding planning to the expense of your relationships - if your sister isn't comfortable let her opt out, it may be the biggest day of your life but it isn't as important to others and it's only one day.

I have been BM for my DSis who initially promised not to be a demanding Bridezilla having been on the receiving end of this herself. However she did not keep her promise and the extra events involved in being her BM started to build up meaning that I just had to say no sometimes due to the time and cost involved.

Essential
Dress choosing/ fitting- yes
Hen do as long as reasonable- yes
Hair on the day- optional
Phone number- I would take it that's a given as she is my sister

Non Essential
Any more than one hen do
Expensive hen dos abroad
Spa Days
Spray tans & Make up should be optional
Nails
Endless meet ups and group chats
Obligatory hotel stays at the venue pre or post wedding unless the bride is willing to foot the bill

I'm on the fence with this. I can totally understand why your sister doesn't want to do most of the things you have asked her to. I am beginning to wonder if you are being a bit of a bridezilla here.

Quite honestly I didn't realise that being a bridesmaid would be so involved. My sister was my bridesmaid. She got a new outfit and turned up at the wedding. I didn't ask anything else of her.

Those "in the old days, granny made the dresses..." types - would the bridesmaids be expected to actually go to Granny's house and be measured for said dress and try it on before the morning of the wedding to see if it fit?

OP - It seems it's a bit late as you've already run round getting her opinion on the dresses so she got a say when she wasn't prepared to go to the shop and look at them with the rest of you. If you'd posted sooner, Id have told you to say if she wanted a chance to decide which dress she would wear, she had to come to the shop with everyone else, or she'd just be given a dress to wear, if she didn't want to be a bridesmaid, she could drop out, preferable before you'd spent any money on a dress for her. That probably would have saved you a lot of hassle...

If she doesn't want to be a BM at 22 she's old enough to say so, being a bit sulky and refusing to engage is very childish behaviour.

What do bridesmaids have to do at a wedding? They walk down the aisle behind the bride, do things with her train if she has one, isn't that about it? I'm sure you're not a bridezilla, but do they really have to have their hair done at the same time, by the same person? Just because their dresses are the same, does that mean their hair has to be the same? Their faces aren't the same, or their bodies, or their height, so why does their hair have to be the same? How far does this go? Why do they have to be all girls together? Your sister probably doesn't like doing those sort of things, so why should she? Hen nights these days don't sound like fun to me at all, and I know a lot - a very lot! - of girls/young women who wouldn't enjoy the sort of nights which are often described.

Let your sister turn up in the dress and do what she will enjoy doing at your wedding.

I had one bridesmaid. She bought the material (silk) in Hong Kong-two colours .I chose the one I preferred .She had the dress made up to a pattern we'd agreed .I saw it for the first time the morning of my wedding .She put up her own long hair .My mum's hairdresser did mine .We did our own make up (separately) .My mum, and only my mum , helped me dress. It was a very private and happy time for both of us (I was 32 and hadn't lived at home for 14 years)No photo shoots in my bedroom
When did everything to do with weddings become such a performance ...
I can see why DD2 doesn't intend to get married as it's become so competitive and such hard work
Buy her the dress the majority like,have her turn up and smile nicely for the.pics

Is your sister the kind of person who will happily wear whatever you and the others chose and turn up on the day? Or is she a drama queen who'll refuse to bother with dress fittings and then throw a tantrum when you decide without her.

The first is disappointing for you since you're obviously upset but will be better for you both going forward. The second...she isn't worth bending over backwards for and I would do what you need to and let her get on with bleating if she does start too.

If she is just very easy going then I'd just incorporate her where she will and try to let go of the disappointment. At least the good thing is that if she gets married and asks you to be bridesmaid then you can do the same and have a chilled out experience.

Oh sweet mother of God - you're my sister OP aren't you?!?

Seriously though it sounds like my idea of hell and I'd be a bit disappointed if my sister only wanted me to be a bridesmaid if I was willing to go through all the palaver...

Ok, just a thought OP but is she maybe quietly miffed because she feels that as your sister she should be the only or main bridesmaid and feels she has been outnumbered by your friends?
Bit curious why having to go round to your sister's house is such a chore though. Don't you normally pop round now and then?

She sounds thoroughly miserable. Weddings are supposed to be celebrations and it's not necessary to do all this socialising beforehand but it's a good excuse to spend done quality time with your sister surely? Especially if she's organising it all and the sister just has to show up.

If the poor wee waif doesn't want to join in because she's shy or whatever reason then she's old enough to tell OP that, rather than just avoid. If she's refusing to have her hair done then it shows she's headstrong to some extent so I don't see why she can't just explain to OP that the hen do etc aren't her cup of tea?

I think your plans all sound quite fun tbh.

Yanbu.....
....except maybe for the hair bit. Do you mean your wedding hairdresser is cutting your bridesmaids hair? As I wouldn't have a strange hairdresser touch my hair and may use a lame excuse like "oh it's not the right time to get it cut" if they're just getting their hair done though, she can jog on.

I was a BM for my SIL. Didn't go to the hen-do, which I know is often a taboo on Mumsnet for the bridesmaid not to go to the hen!

You go along with the rest of it though, I'd have thought. Sounds like she is trying to be difficult in some aspects.

Only on Mumsnet is everyone so fucking miserable about a wedding.

Hen do = shit
Shopping = shit
Socialising = shit
Spending time with people you know but aren't your BFF = shit
Having your hair done = shit

How do these people cope with real life.

Jesus wept, it's her sister.

Unless there are some deeper issues (social anxiety, which again, seems to be the 'go-to excuse for being a miserable bastard on here) then she should be making an effort to get involved and help.

I hope your wedding hoes well OP. Give her an opportunity to drop out without anyone being upset and holding a grudge, and she'll probably take it.

Don't let it cause you any stress in the run-up, or on your day.

(Getting and being married is awesome )

Let me clear this up for you, a lot of people find the things in your OP a massive, dull chore.

No, not only on Mumsnet, ICanTuck. Some people like mahoosive weddings with endless preliminary discussions and preparations with loads of girly bonding amongst bride, bridesmaids, and bride's friends. For some people the thought of taking part in all that makes them want to curl up and die. Some people come somewhere in between those extremes. It's a society-wide thing.

I'm tempted to say that only on MN do you find people who think that their ways are the norm and that the only people who conceivably think differently are a few freaks on MN.

If you love your sister and want her to be one of your bridesmaids, let the rest of it go. Seriously, let it all go.

Not everyone wants to be on FB, attend unnecessary group fittings, go on hen dos, etc. for a wedding, especially a wedding that isn't their own. And even then... many people don't want or need all that.

You are being a rather Bridezilla like to expect or demand these things of others. You just are. And please for the love of life, I hope you haven't uttered the words, 'But it's my special day!' while insisting upon this list of events to anyone!

It's a day. Yes, an important day ... you're getting married. But that doesn't require a pre-wedding circust. If you want your sister there for you as a bridesmaid (as in, if you will look back in 10 years and regret not having her stand up with you with whatever hair she decides to show up in), then drop off her dress, tell her she's beautiful and that you love her and that you'll see her on the day.

(social anxiety, which again, seems to be the 'go-to excuse for being a miserable bastard on here)

... you do realise it's a recognised mental health issue? Your post is like saying "depression is a go-to excuse for being miserable" or "diabetes is a go-to excuse for not eating sugar"

Only on Mumsnet is everyone so fucking miserable about a wedding.

This isn't about the wedding it's about God knows how months or events and dos.

I am fortunate not to suffer from social anxiety. Nor do I feel I need to make an excuse. I have tried to be polite about it but honestly, it just sounds shit to me.

I'm wondering how old OP and her mates are.

Without more info about the sisters side if this i'm staying on the fence.

• Hen night - could one of these hilarious dress as strippers and all go out and get falling down drunk?

• Trying on dresses together - maybe the sister is very shy or body conscious or hates wearing dresses. (I hate wiggling into clothes in front of anyone except my kids and my DH. MY boobs tend to have their own agenda and it can be embarrassing).

• Staying overnight with the other BMs - maybe the sister has a good reason to want to stay at home or with her own partner? There could be a million reasons. She could have a small baby for all we know!

• Wont join face book - i'm not on face book and wouldn't do it just to see a pic of a dress

• Hair do on the day - this one sounds as if it's a cut. The 6 week thing. I think it's over egging the pudding to include this if that's the case. Who wants their hair cut by a strange hairdresser on the morning of a wedding?

She's your sister and will be for life. Just enjoy your wedding day, enjoy her being part of The Day, and let all this trivia go.

ICanTuck not "only on MN

The only thing that is "only on MN", as Augusta says, is people who think the way their tiny community or social circle works is the only way the real world works and that everything else they read or hear about is some kind of fiction/ dream/ internet Otherland...

I have read on MN that "only on MN" do well balanced people who don't hate their families and haven't been abused or neglected move away from their family permanently or long term, for work or any other reasons. I have also read that "only on MN" do couples have family do all their childcare (so presumably live local to family) or do adults have mothers/ MIL who let themselves into their adult children's family homes when the adult child and household are out (another overly involved local family thing). Those diametrically opposed scenarios must both exist, but the people living them see them as normal, and some of those people see the other scenario as "only on MN" Unreal.

"Only on MN" do people love Hen Nights and 397 different pre wedding compulsory rehersal and bonding events. "Only on MN" do people hate or feel indifferent about Hen Nights and 397 different pre wedding compulsory rehersal and bonding events. Nope - probably both things happen outside MN, just not to the same people...

On the wedding thing though it as a massive taboo with some women to admit you don't actually like weddings, or Bridget Jones, or want to read 50 Shades of Grey, or whatever some people seem to believe all real women really like...

MN just lets you communicate with people who are not Like You in a space where they are actually able to say what they really do/ think, not what they are supposed to say they think and like in order not to be considered a weirdo/ sad/ hard/ miserable/ antisocial. There are hundreds of thousands of us/ them (depending) who are not Like You/ Me and the people you/we associate with and whose real opinions we think we know... :o

No one's being miserable about the wedding, just all the added extras that the sister clearly wasn't expecting. I think the hairdresser on the day is an essential, but none of the rest of it.

I also slightly suspect the mother of wanting DSis to be OP's bridesmaid even if the sisters have never been close and DSis is reluctant, because that is what "nice" or "loving" or whatever sisters/ families do and it would make her happy to see, but instead of admitting that outright trying to "manage" the situation - possibly planting the idea with OP that DSis wanted to be BM in the first place, but at any rate persuading DSis to say yes and promising to talk to OP about not expecting her to attend all the "warm up" activities, and trying to keep OP sweet about her not attending things ...

I only suspect that though because it is exactly the sort of thing my mother does (I wasn't going to have any bridesmaids but didn't want to make my sister feel rejected when my mother said she had been expecting to be asked ... turned out later that no, she hadn't, unless it was on some very deeply buried subliminal level detectable only by my mother :o